He spends the evening in Chanyeol’s bed, resting on top of his boyfriend after stripping down to his briefs and wraps himself around Chanyeol’s body. Chanyeol says his roommate won’t be back until the next morning and Jongin’s fine with it– Yixing, Chanyeol’s roommate, has a bit of a staring problem.

He doesn’t explain why he has come later than he promised or why he ignored all of Chanyeol’s texts and calls and Chanyeol doesn’t question him about it: he probably thinks it has something to do with his parents.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chanyeol’s fingers are in his dark hair, gentle and he feels a light kiss in his hair. He knows Chanyeol’s trying to coax answers out of him– he snuggles closer to brush away the urge to tell him what’s running through his head.

The selfish part of him wants to badly place the blame on Chanyeol because having someone else to blame is always better. But his parents haven’t raised a seventeen year old idiot; he knows when to take the blame and when to admit a wrongdoing.

His parents have also raised half an idiot– if he was as smart as they think he is, he would not have an appointment to the doctor on Monday and he would not be waiting for the results of the blood test.

Thinking of his parents make his skin crawl, he knows how they’ll behave once they find out; they’ll skin him alive and before that they’ll play the blame game on whose fault it is and who he takes after between them.

He buries his face into Chanyeol’s shoulder, sighs as he tries to let him relax– to forget about Monday, to forget about everything.

Saying nothing is the same as lying– and he can’t stop the heaviness in his heart at the thought. Talking to Chanyeol has always been easy; he can say whatever he wants without feeling too embarrassed even if it’s something stupid.

Chanyeol always has his back– he’s so sure that Chanyeol will do anything for him because he’d do the same. He’s just not sure Chanyeol will have his back this time around – this is different. Pregnancy is something else, it’s another world. Some of teachers at school are the only pregnant people he has been up close and personal with and even then he avoided looking at their large bellies for too long – afraid to offend them and to him it’s too strange, too weird and he has never pictured himself pregnant.

At least not this earlier in his life, he only just turned seventeen four months ago.

Most responsible lucky adults have stable incomes and are at least prepared for something like this– this is a mistake and there’s no other light he can see it under. He’s only a teenager with nothing to his name, has never worked a day in his life and doesn’t know much about babies or how to take care of them.

Jongin prides himself in knowing his limits– a baby is another life and the last thing he wants to do is some kid up.

Chanyeol sighing breaks him out of his stupor and hearing his voice stupidly startles him a little. “Relax,” Chanyeol laughs and Jongin lifts his face from his shoulder and stares at his face– the corners of his mouth crawling upwards and he doesn’t turn away when Chanyeol leans forward and places open mouth kisses on his jaw and all over his face.

“Disgusting,” Jongin mumbles, but doesn’t tell him to stop because this feels better– Chanyeol’s lips on his skin better his mood.

“You love it,” Chanyeol whispers, “Now get off– I wrote you something.”

“Sure,” He says as he rolls off Chanyeol– almost falls off the bed because it’s too thin for two people, but somehow they manage to sleep in it without face planting on the ground. He turns his weight on his left side and sighs softly he watches Chanyeol stand from the small bed after pecking his dry lips.

“How long did it take you to write this one?” Chanyeol writing his songs is nothing now and as much as Jongin isn’t in the mood to listen to it– he only agrees because Chanyeol takes pride in his songwriting and he likes the sound of his voice.

“Uh,” Chanyeol makes a face as he picks up his guitar leaning against the wall beside the window. He shrugs, “Couple of hours after studying,” He continues, “Thought of your eyes the whole time– it’s not completed yet,”

Jongin pushes himself on Chanyeol’s bed, stares at him before he turns to look around the dorm he has spent so many days and nights in– Yixing’s part of the room looks untouched, Chanyeol is a bit messier than him though.

Jongin feels a sudden sense of deep shame when he thinks about where he was before he got here; he’s scared less and Chanyeol attempt to make him feel better cause the feeling of shame and fear to develop even more. “Oh,” He says unthinkingly, unsure of how to respond to that.

“Oh?” Chanyeol repeats and Jongin can feel his eyes boring into his head, but he keeps staring at the sheets on Yixing’s bed, finding the odd patterns more fascinating than the thoughts in his head. “Jesus,” Chanyeol starts, he sounds annoyed now. “I thought me saying that would make you smile.”

“Oh.” He says, barely managing to get the simple word out. The exasperated sigh coming from Chanyeol makes his chest feel tighter.

“Jongin,” Chanyeol presses and the sound of the guitar being placed none too gently on the floor makes him wince. Chanyeol being rough with his guitar means his good mood is turning salty. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” He brings his hands to his lap and stares at his shaking fingers; he immediately starts toying with the black bracelet around his left wrist to calm his nerves.

“You’ve been acting weird since you came.” Chanyeol says as he stalks towards him, “And I know this isn’t about your parents or Jongdae. I’m not an idiot.” Jongin’s breathe hitches, “What’s wrong?” He sits beside him, large hand coming to rest on his bare thigh and squeezing gently, “Tell me?”

“Nothing,” The words feels fat on his tongue.

“Don’t lie to me,” Chanyeol tries to hold his gaze and Jongin refuses to let him, “We haven’t had in days.”

“We don’t see each other that often– just every weekend.” Jongin snaps, “Your assignments are piling up,” He blurts out before Chanyeol can protest, “You told me that.” Ears heating up because is not something they talk about a lot. They talked about it months before they attempted to practice it and even after doing so – it’s still an awkward topic for him to freely talk about.

The first few times were clumsy, messy and over too quickly with Chanyeol apologizing in his ear and Jongin himself being too embarrassed to keep his eyes open. He figures they are still teenagers leaning about what being grossly intimate with each other is all about.

“Really weird,” Chanyeol squeezes his thigh again before he drops his hand on the bed, “Not only today, you know?” He trails off, “Ever since we started having –”

“Chanyeol, I really don’t want to talk about this now.” He gets up from the bed as if burnt, hands balled into fists as he tries to keep them from shaking and keep himself in one piece. It’s already too late to be thinking about condoms. They talked about it, read about protection and practiced safe , but that means nothing now that he’s already pregnant.

He doesn’t want to talk about or think about it because it makes him feel shame.

“Why are you acting like you regret it?” He flinches at the surfacing anger in Chanyeol’s tone. He has a tendency to be loud whenever the argue and Jongin doesn’t like it when he’s loud because he gets vulgar and it’s hard to get a word in. “If you weren’t comfortable with–” He catches himself and lowers his voice– the dorms aren’t at all soundproof. “You could’ve told me.”

“I don’t regret anything,” He says honestly– I just regret getting pregnant, he wants to add, but says no more and sits beside Chanyeol again. “Just feeling off,” It’s not a complete lie, but he doesn’t have in it him to tell him the truth.

He trusts Chanyeol with every fiber in his being, but he can’t tell him.

What can Chanyeol do? Take responsibility? Then what? What will happen to them? And what about the baby? Chanyeol is in university and Jongin himself will be a high school senior in a few months– he doesn’t have a goal in mind of what to do or study after high school.

A baby was the last thing on his mind and he’s currently trying to push the thought of something unwanted growing inside him. He hopes the blood test miraculously comes back negative on Monday– that he’s being ridiculous and that the pregnancy tests and the symptoms are false.

He also won’t risk losing Chanyeol over something like this; there’s this irrational fear that holds onto him every single time he thinks about Chanyeol’s reaction. He won’t be able to handle being walked out on or left alone.

He doesn’t even know if he wants it– no, he’s positive he doesn’t want it. Jongin bites his tongue to keep himself from screaming. He knows nothing about pregnancy or childbirth or just– babies – it’s impossible to have a rational thought about them when all he wants to do is close his eyes and pretend.

“Just feeling off?” Chanyeol scoffs, “Does that give you a free pass to make me feel like ?” Chanyeol retorts. The silence that falls upon them is incredibly suffocating– he’s having a hard time trying to think straight.

This is the last thing he needs– arguing like this when they don’t have a lot of time together. It’s always weird when they fight because it's something that doesn't happen often.

“I–,” He swallows, he wants to say sorry, but he doesn’t say it. “I’d like to hear the song you wrote for me,” He dares to look up and finds Chanyeol giving him a dull look– he bites the insides of his cheeks, eyes darting everywhere but at him before he raises his hands and gently grasps the back of his neck, gently pulling him down and over to him.

Chanyeol doesn’t pull away from him and Jongin takes it as a green light with a moment of hesitation as first. The touch of Chanyeol’s lips against his help him forget where he was before he rushed here in the first place– he lets out whimper when he feels Chanyeol’s hands touching him everywhere and the kiss growing more desperate.

They haven’t kissed like this in a while– the kind of kiss that expresses apologies they will not say.

Jongin pulls away and laughs a little breathlessly when Chanyeol continues kissing him– from his cheeks to his neck and the bridge of his nose. He wraps his arms around his neck and smiles. He laughs into the kiss that follows and releases Chanyeol; the older teen pushes himself up and walks over to where he left his guitar.

He returns to his side, guitar on his lap and Jongin moves onto the bed with his legs crisscrossed and arms dangling over his knees as he listens to Chanyeol play with the guitar’s strings– obviously trying to find the right notes for whatever tune he’s going for.

Jongin leans against the pillows, intently eyes how Chanyeol’s features go from soft to hard and serious– but there’s a smile at the corner of his lips. “Don’t you have the draft?” Jongin asks out of the blue and watches Chanyeol smile even wider.

“No,” He shakes his head, “Your song’s all up in here,” He points to his head before turning his attention to the instrument. “Listen,”

When he starts strumming his guitar and his rough voice goes in– Jongin’s hands stop shaking and he drowns himself into the passion he hears in Chanyeol’s voice. It’s easy to know the song is important to him and that he has put a lot of effort into writing it– and Jongin scoots closer to him before resting his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes.

He hopes Chanyeol can’t hear or feel how quickly his heart is beating over the guitar. It’s the guilt he feels– keeping something as big and as important as this is bound to backfire– he hopes the world can humor him a little more, until he figures out what to do next.

()()()()

Not proofread because uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just because lmao. Next update will be on Monday C: