I Want You Back

“Kkaebsong~”

Baekhyun’s voice rang out through the speaker of Sehun’s phone, the word followed by the former’s laughter, making Sehun smile so much his cheeks began to hurt from grinning for so long. The thirty-second fancam video repeated for about another five times before Sehun pressed the return button in search of another video, lips still curled in a smile. His eyes are tired from a whole day of being awake, surviving on only four hours of sleep from yesterday’s busy schedule. He should be asleep but Sehun misses Baekhyun and whenever he misses Baekhyun, Sehun goes online and searches for his videos.

He had spent the last two hours on his phone, the screen the only light source in the darkened room. Jongin had already fallen asleep the moment he got onto his bed so Sehun didn’t have to hide underneath his blanket watching videos after videos of his boyfriend. A particular fancam of Baekhyun he found next made him laugh a little, suppressing the sound with a hand so as to not wake Jongin, even though he knows Jongin wouldn’t wake up even if the house was on fire. He had always known how funny and annoying Baekhyun could get and he might have seen the same videos for the last two years but they still make him smile, make him laugh, make him wish he had done things that he didn’t do.

Calming down from his fit of silent chuckles, Sehun clicked on another video, one of Baekhyun sitting by the piano and singing out a line from one of their songs. The camera focused on Baekhyun’s face, and there was that small smile that he usually wears whenever he sings those soothing notes. Sehun lets the video replay repeatedly, smiling whenever Baekhyun smiles until that familiar weight rests over his chest and suddenly breathing seems to be a hard task. Sehun clenched his jaw as his vision blurred, closing his eyes to listen to Baekhyun’s soothing voice. It’s been so long since he heard Baekhyun sing.

When he opened his eyes again, Sehun’s breathing had calmed down a little and he smiled again when Baekhyun in the video smiles before he returned to his homepage and browsed his gallery. Sehun should be stopped from torturing himself but he couldn’t help it. He had missed Baekhyun so much and this felt like the closest thing he could get to closure. He clicked onto one of the folders that was named ‘Baby’, compiling videos of Baekhyun and himself taken during the free time that they had. Sehun clicked onto a particular video, the screen flashing first with Baekhyun’s smiling face. They were in their shared room then, beds pushed together to rid of the gap and Baekhyun was seated on his side of the bed, a pillow on his lap and eyes crinkled into crescents. He smiles at the memory, watching Baekhyun in the video starts to blush at whatever it was that Sehun had said.

“What?” Baekhyun had asked, having missed Sehun’s question and there was that look on his face that Sehun had always loved on him. He was absent from the video but Sehun could clearly hear himself, repeating the question to Baekhyun that made the older boy laugh even though it wasn’t funny.

“Do you love me?” He had asked again, and Baekhyun had been chuckling as he gazed at Sehun instead of into the camera. “Come on, hyung. Tell me you love me. Unless, you know, you don’t.”

Baekhyun had only grinned, albeit a little sleepily because they had just returned from a recording – god, Sehun loves the way Baekhyun’s eyelids droop a little – before he reaches out to, as Sehun remembered clearly, press a soft kiss onto Sehun’s lips. Baekhyun was grinning again when he settled back, puckering his lips teasingly just the way he usually does to get Sehun to kiss him, before he finally said it, voice so soft and so full of love it made Sehun a little teary. “Of course I love you.”

The video had ended there because Sehun had leaned in to kiss Baekhyun again and he remembered pulling the older into his arms just before they sleep, remembered Baekhyun leaning up to kiss his jaw and whisper it again against his skin. “I love you so much, Sehun-ah.”

“I love you too, hyung.”

Sehun closes his eyes again to calm himself. It didn’t seem to work but Sehun couldn’t be bothered. His finger tapped onto another video, of Baekhyun humming a lullaby because Sehun couldn’t sleep that night. Instead of trying to sleep, Sehun had whipped out his phone to film Baekhyun and since the older didn’t object, Sehun had continued. The video was short and it ended when it was Baekhyun who fell asleep. Sehun had chuckled and filmed him just a little more. Beautiful, you’re so beautiful.

It was only when he couldn’t breathe that Sehun realized he was already crying, tears rolling down his cheeks and hand shaking slightly. He wipes at them with his free hand, thumb clicking another video. It started with Baekhyun standing by the window, gazing out with a smile on his face. It had been a nice day, Sehun recalled; they just had their seventeenth win and Baekhyun had been the happiest for no particular reason. Sehun would like to think it was because they get to spend a lot of time together. He had approached the older in the video, Baekhyun turning his head and chuckling little.

There weren’t any words exchanged besides the kiss that Sehun placed on Baekhyun’s forehead. But Baekhyun had looked so beautiful and Sehun would keep this video forever.

“You’re always taking videos of me,” Baekhyun had pointed out in one of the other videos Sehun had clicked, fully dressed with make-up as they prepared to get on stage. He had looked beautiful, as always, and Sehun had stolen a quick peck onto his lips. Baekhyun’s smile brought the sun to shame. “Why do you always film me, anyway? You should put your phone away, though. We’re up in five!”

Sehun had laughed. He’s always happiest when with Baekhyun. It seemed only Baekhyun could make him happy. But Baekhyun’s not here anymore.

The last video was of Baekhyun smiling adorably into the camera, occasionally jutting his lips out into a pout before he ultimately laughed at himself. Sehun had requested for him to say what he wants to say in the video and Baekhyun, as always, had been willing. Baekhyun in the video chuckled again, making a ‘peace’ sign that he positioned just below his nose. The ‘Sehun peace sign’, he had called it. It was ridiculous because he hadn’t come up with that look but Sehun’s in love and everything Baekhyun does is okay. Everything Baekhyun does is more than okay. You mean so much to me.

After a few seconds of being impossibly adorable, Baekhyun finally straightened up and smiled wider into the camera. “Sehun-ah~” He started, keeping his smile. ”You mean so much to me. And because you mean so much, I am willing to sacrifice my time and do this thing you want me to.”

“Hyung, just get on with it.” Sehun had urged, holding the camera in his hand steadily.

“Hm, where do I begin?” Baekhyun had feigned thinking, an index finger tapping onto his chin. “I think I’ll start by saying that I love you. I want you to remember that you’re worth so much in this world, I don’t know where I fit in. I don’t know how I was able to fit into your life. I don’t ever want to leave you nor do I want you to leave me, but if it must come to that, Sehun. Please remember that I love you, with all my heart and all my being, my soul. I am yours as you are mine.”

And when he lost the seriousness, back to the Baekhyun everyone knew him as, Baekhyun chuckled again. “And remember not to stay up so late! It’s not good for your health and you should stay fit.”

Sehun chokes a sob as his chest tightened; it was the last video he had taken of Baekhyun and for minutes after that, he stayed on his bed in a painful silence. He couldn’t help the tears that continued to roll down his temples, couldn’t stop from replaying memories that weren’t recorded, couldn’t stop himself from releasing another sob, and then another until Sehun’s crying into his pillow. There’s a void in his chest where Baekhyun used to be and Sehun wondered if he would ever survive this pain.

It was only when he thought about Baekhyun’s voice that he remembered the voice mail in Baekhyun’s phone. He had never tried it before in the past and it scares him; the thought that he might go insane because he couldn’t live another day without Baekhyun next to him. Sehun takes the phone that he had abandoned at his side, going through the contacts and clicking Baekhyun’s number. It dialled and Sehun pressed the phone against his ear, waiting for the voice mail to come.

When it did come, Sehun feels as though Baekhyun was taken away from him all over again. “Hello! Sorry for not answering you, I’ve been so busy and stuff. Please leave a message so I can call you back! Psst, if it’s Sehun, I can’t wait to kiss you!”

Sehun clutched the phone close to his chest just as he heard the beep, raising it to his ear again so he could speak. “Baekhyun hyung. It’s Sehun. Baek hyung, I missed you. I’ve been spending the last few hours just watching your videos. They still remember you, hyung. We all do. I miss listening to you laugh and I miss holding you in my arms. I’m so alone, hyung. I feel so empty without you. It shouldn’t hurt this much anymore. I want you back. I miss you so much. I miss you so much.”

The phone beeped again, signalling the end of his message time and Sehun clutched it closer to his chest. He re-dialled Baekhyun’s number just so he could listen to the voice mail again, choking a sob every time Baekhyun calls his name. Sehun doesn’t know how long he spent on his bed crying, missing Baekhyun and wishing the pain would go away until he felt a dip at the edge of his bed and knew without looking that it must be Jongin. A hand squeezed his knee and he took a few more minutes to calm down. When he’s sure he won’t burst into tears again, Sehun scooted up into a sitting positon, refusing to look Jongin in the eyes. His best friend only stared at him apologetically.

“Sehun, it’s been two years.” Jongin’s voice penetrated through the silence, sad and just a little sympathetic. “You should let him go. You should let your heart take a break. I’m worried for you.”

Sehun thought about the last time he had held Baekhyun in his arms, skin cold against his warm ones and his lips quivered because Baekhyun had looked so, so beautiful. “I miss him, Jongin.”

Jongin sighed, scooting over and gesturing Sehun to make space for him. The older pulled Sehun down to lay with him, didn’t matter that the bed was too small for two. Sehun closed his eyes and snuggled into Jongin’s embrace, unable to stop another stream of tears to soak the front of Jongin’s shirt. Jongin held him tight, the way he always does whenever he catches Sehun mourning or just whenever Sehun needed it. “I know. We miss him, too. He was our brother as well, you know. I know you’re just trying to express just how much you miss him, but you can’t do this to yourself every time.”

“I want him back,” Sehun muttered against Jongin’s shirt, even though he heard every word that his friend had just told him, understand the meaning of it. “I just want him back.”

When Jongin sighed again, Sehun thinks he’s a goner too. Perhaps he is going crazy as he had thought but if going insane would make it stop hurting, Sehun thinks he’ll be okay with it. They laid there for about an hour before Jongin spoke again, “You know, if it makes you feel better, sometimes I go to watch his videos too. The ones Tao took of you and him. It makes me happy.”

Sehun frowned, raising his head to look at his friend. “Tao took videos of me and Baekhyun hyung?”

“Yeah,” Jongin nodded. “I mean, not in the wrong way. Like, when you two are off to the side just talking. Tao said he just likes the way Baekhyun looked at you and how you looked at him. I think sometimes he watches them too and cry himself to sleep as well. You know how he is.”

It was something Sehun was unaware of, even after two years of Baekhyun’s passing. The car crash had critically injured Tao as well so Sehun could imagine the traumatic phase that he was in and understood why Tao might be sadder than he is. He does feel better, somehow, and Sehun sleeps for the only hour he had left with Jongin still next to him. He dreamt of the sun and the stars and Baekhyun.

When Tao showed him the videos, Sehun cried again.

This time, like the day Baekhyun had passed, the other eight of his brothers held him up so he wouldn’t fall.

A/N: I swear it was just a very adorable video from Vine of Baekhyun laughing and then it escalated to this. don't hat e me. bye.