chapter 1 four 

Chapter 1 Four

I swing back and forth, again and again, till dizziness takes over my mind and the world around me is nothing but a blur.

I like it that way.

Even though it was almost a year ago, it is still fresh in my memory, like a morning rose; without the morning. Gazing at her pale, lifeless face made me think of all those times we fought or lied to each other. All those times when all we wanted was each other to forget the mess we had landed ourselves into.  Everything has changed since.

I avoid contact to the outside world. I hate it when somebody pities me. My only source of food, news, and survival being Christina. She comes over sometimes and just sits with me trying to comfort me, to give me company; to make sure I don't inject myself with the memory serum- safely locked in my cupboard - and forget about the experiments, the faction, Tris.

"Four," Christina would say to me" I know how you feel, after all Tris was my best friend. But do you really think that she would want you to take the coward's way out? To forget all about her with some liquid, like she didn't even exist? No, she would want you to be brave. For her. She would want you to move on, however hard that might be." I wish I could believe her, I really do. But some part of me still keeps a little ember burning, hoping that Tris would return; or that all this is a big, bad nightmare and when i wake up, she would be beside me, my hair, and smiling gently...................

God, Tobias! Pull yourself together. She is not coming back. Not now, not ever.

I almost fall, just thinking about her. I clutch the arms of my chair tightly. Till my hands turn white, blocking the flow of blood. Can one die by blocking their blood supply? I hope.

I keep inventing theories, about tris. They are all stupid, I know. But I have nothing much to do now anyway. I visualize her sheepish grin, her high cheekbones, her wild eyes, her. I recall our time in dauntless, however short. The days of living, the days of freedom. The first time I saw her, she was a haze of gray. And the first time she saw my tattoo, it had traitor written all over  it but to her it was an armor of bravery. I wish I could forget her but the more I try, the harder it becomes.

I swing again and again in my chair for; I don't even know how much time. Until somebody knocks on the door.

I keep quite. I keep still. I am in no mood for more sympathetic looks or people telling me it's going to be okay. And I am especially not in the mood for Marcus to tell me "It was just a girl, you'll get over her."

A second knock.

"Four!"

Christina.

"Four, open up!"

I get up, reluctantly and make my way across my unkempt living room, to my dull, gray door. Like an abnegation's. Factions never leave us, I guess. I open the door and Christina looks at me in a somewhat weird way.

"What? I ask, annoyed. It doesn't take much to annoy me these days.

"I have to talk to you" she says. Only, she sounds like she just saw a ghost.

"It's............... it's about "she gulps and takes a deep breath." It's about Tris" she finishes.

I look at her with...... I don't even know what, I don't know how I look at her or where I am standing or even if I exist. Just the sound of her name is all it takes for me to crumble to my knees.

Suddenly, I am breathless. As i struggle for air, Christina acts quickly and gives me a paper bag. I breathe heavily into it and discover that a lump has formed in my throat.

Tris is a strong name if it can make me feel so weak.

"Okay?" Christina asks, after about fifteen minutes. She is the only one who takes this as normal. Probably because she is going through the same.

"It's okay. I know "she says as though reading my mind. She seats herself on a dull white couch - left unattended for months- and a new layer of dust flies around the room as she thumps on the sofa. She smiles at me, at the sight of the dust. I try to smile back but the dust just reminds me about HER ashes. So I keep my face straight.

"I am sorry I had to bring it up. But there is something I want to tell you. I had wanted to tell you before but just couldn't find the courage" she sees my expression and gets up "maybe some tea would help."

I distract myself by watching the brewing tea. The whistle is shrill and blocks my mind.

Good.

When she is finished, she brings over two cups filled to the brim with green tea. Normally I wouldn't drink tea- I don't even know how I have green tea- but I don't object. I don't have the energy.

After some time, Christina finally breaks the silence.

"A couple of months ago, I went to Tris's old room. I don't know why, but I couldn't help myself." I know what she means. I am a frequent visitor of that room myself. I don't know how but it helps to grieve over it than to move on.

"I was just sitting on her bed," Christina continues, "doing nothing when I noticed a lump under her pillow." I look at her, finally. "I know, I too thought that it was a gun or something......... but it wasn't. It isn't."

Christina takes out a package from her bag, covered in brown paper. Slowly approaching, as if i were a wild animal, she hands me the package. I fumble around the paper, tearing it until i see what is inside.

A diary                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Tris's diary.