“Baby, I have a music video to film today. I’ll text you later. You rest. I will leave the do not disturb sign on. Love you.” She briefly remembered YongHwa whisper before planting soft kisses on her cheeks and hearing the door shut while she was in her semi-sleep state.

But to wake up without him after her first night with him, was most unsettling and she felt awfully vulnerable. It was a great disparity from how complete and secure he made her feel when they were together, mere hours ago.

“This must be how one night stands feel like,” she thought to herself. Meaningless… insignificant… inconsequential… Very different from the warm fuzzy feeling she had envisioned her first morning after. She had always imagined waking up to YongHwa’s soft kisses while coiled around his warm body, his muscular arms possessively wrapped around her.

The void space next to her made the bed seem too big, way too cold. A direct reflection of the emptiness she was feeling and she felt lonely and so… so… hollow and she wanted to cry.

She had always thought that this degree of physical intimacy would let her feel whole and secure therefore she was totally unprepared for this whole bout of insecurities overwhelming her.

She told herself to think good thoughts only and her stomach fluttered uncontrollably as last night replayed itself in her head. Her first time, their ardent lovemaking and how precious she felt to be enveloped in his arms. It just felt surreal, like an intense dream, one that had surpassed every fantasy.

Except this time, undeniably evident, the room smelled of and she felt sore in all of her most intimate, sensitive parts of her body. Deliciously, painfully sore. Needing his presence, she impulsively hugged his pillow to her nose to smell him and her core watered at the aphrodisiac scent that was a mix of Yonghwa and their lovemaking.

The only man she could imagine and wanted to be intimate with.

She used to think that her favouring him was conditioned by the script of the, “We got married,” show they both participated in previously. But then he put in the extra mile to make her feel comfortable and forged a trust enough for her to share many first with him… first date, hand holding, living together... she felt her heart beat for a boy for the first time and she relished those time when they were “married” to each other. They were some of the sweetest days of her life and when the show ended, she experienced her first break up and she was broken, hurt.

That was when she realised that she had fallen hopelessly for this adorably mischievous boy, his sincerity and charms. While it may have been intended to be a virtual relationship, it was all authentic to her… her first relationship… her first love… her first heart beat and her first heart break.

Then the work schedules got busier and allowed her little time to feel. So little by little the hurt lessened… little by little the feelings were camouflaged and buried.        

“This is how it will be like with our idol schedule, probably even more so with his soaring popularity. The price of being an idol equates to irregular lifestyle and little to no time for a personal life.” She thought, feeling heavy in her heart as she flipped the blanket aside to drag herself out of bed and felt painfully sore. And was even more shocked to see the blood stains on the sheets.

She smelled of and him and headed into the shower to wash off evidence of last night.

She stood under the water for what seemed like hours, hoping that Yonghwa would appear and shake her out of this fog she was in. The water pelting on her skin was so hot it almost burned but it felt good and soothing.

Eventually, she got out and put on her clothes from last night, which was now properly hung on hangers in the wardrobe. She stood in front of the dressing table looking at her own reflection in the mirror, the red mark on her was staring back at her, shouting “Yong’s property” and her heart squeezed. She picked up her mobile to send him a message. “Lookin