It is a cold December just a few days before Christmas. The chilly cold night has befallen the city of Seoul Korea as it lights up in beautiful Christmas colors. People were still busy roaming the street looking for the perfect gift to give their love ones. Kids are seen playing in the street as snows begin to fall painting the street white. In the middle of the city a large Christmas tree stood covers in lights as people gathers to take pictures and gaze as its beauty.  Just in front of the tree a group of carolers stood dress in green and red. Their wonderful voices echoed throughout the street as people stop to listen.  The entire area was filled with loud music, happy laughter and excited shopper. 

Just a few blocks down the busy shopping street stood an old apartment complex. It consists of 5 levels with 10 apartment room on each floor. It was old and show signs of aging as well as negligent to properly maintaining its outer appearances.  When people walk pass this apartment complex they will look at it with disgust. Standing on top of the rooftop smoking a cigarette is a young man who looks to be in his 20’s. He has bright blond hair with long bangs falling loosely over his big brown eyes. His skin is as white as the falling snow with a beautifully sculpted face structure. He is slender then most guys and more beautiful than any girls. One would think he is a fairy standing on the rooftop wearing his white snow jacket with white fur around the hood. He wore a faded blue jean with black boots and a red knitted scarf that sway back and forth from the cold wind. He placed the cigarette between his pink full lips as he took a puff and releases the smoke into the air. After taking his last puff, he dropped the cigarette onto the ground as he stepped onto the edge of the roof. He closed his eyes and without any warning he jumped as the red scarf became loose and flew with the winds as his body collided with the ground below. Within seconds, blood dyed the snow red as a loud scream echoed throughout the neighborhood.

A soft melody played in the background as a pair of brown eyes opens to an unfamiliar place. After a few seconds it became harder for the eyes to remain open as it slowly close once again. The melody was like a lullaby, it sounded familiar.

“Jaejoong…” a woman’s voice ring through his ear

“who?...”

“you must live…you have to live…” the woman’s voice cried out to him desperately

The young man name jaejoong tried to open his eyes once again but it was no use. It was as if someone had placed their hand over his eyes preventing them from opening to see who it is that is talking to him. When he is finally able to open his eyes his visions was still blurry. It took him a few seconds before everything became clear. The first thing he notices is the white ceiling and wall. He could hear beeping of machines close to him and feel pains throughout his body. By the smell of the room he knew exactly where he is as he forced himself to sit up.

“I see you are finally awake…” came a deep voice as jaejoong turn to face the old man wearing a white lab coat as he enter the room “you have quite the fall, luckily we were able to save you….”

He walked up to an expressionless jaejoong and begins to examine him before taking notes.

“Although you did survive the fall, it’ll be better if you don’t try and do anything heavy. You did suffer a broken arm and some cuts here and there. Other than that you will recover soon…”

As the doctor continues with his information, Jaejoong only sat there like a zombie. He was no longer able to hear his surrounding; he was in his own little world.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you jump from the building?” the doctor asked after confirming that this was no accident but a suicide attempt. It breaks his heart to see someone so young trying to end his life.

Jaejoong lifted his head to look out the window as the sun shine brightly into his room. There were no clouds in sight, only the big blue sky.

“Can I ask you a question?” jaejoong asked the doctor in a monotone voice

“S-sure…”

“When you look at the world, what do you see?”

The doctor raises an eyebrow at the strange question.

“What do I see? Let’s see…” The doctor begin to think “…when I look at the world I see life in all shape and form. I see beauty both in the sky and on the ground. I see people happily living their life and enjoying the time they have in this world…”

“I see…” spoke jaejoong as silence filled the room.

Even though the sun is shining and there is no cloud, it is still winter as a cold breeze blew into the room.

“What should I do?...” jaejoong asked

“What do you mean?”

Jaejoong turn to face the doctor with eyes as empty as a shell. The doctor couldn’t see any life behind it nor is he able to pick up the kind of emotion going through this young boy.

“When I look at the world, I don’t see beauty, I don’t see happiness, I don’t see life. All I see is a world filled with grief, sadness and death….” Jaejoong placed his hand over his heart “in here I can feel my heart beating, I can feel my warmth, and I can feel the air going into my body…” Jaejoong lower his gaze “and yet I don’t feel like I’m alive…” Jaejoong paused “…what’s the best word to describe this feeling... Let see…empty, yes empty is the word. I have tried to fill this emptiness but it seem the more I try the more empty I feel…”

The doctor continues to stare at Jaejoong with an expression of sadness. He had seen many patients but never anyone like Jaejoong. He wanted nothing more than to pull this young man into a tight hug in hope to warm that heart of his. The doctor was about to say something when his pager started beeping. He looks at the message and excuses himself for there is another patient waiting for him. He advises jaejoong to get some rest and not to think too much. Concern for his safety, the doctor made sure jaejoong is closely watched by the nurse in case he tried to take his life again.

“You must live!...” a female’s voice ring into Jaejoong’s ear as he groan in pain.

He quickly looks around but did not see anyone there. He is all alone in this room and could not explain where this voice came from.  After spending another day in the hospital, Jaejoong was finally released.  He exited the hospital; the nurses that look after him begin to talk wondering if he had any family. No one came to see him even though it’s been two days since he tried to commit suicide. They couldn’t believe that someone as beautiful as jaejoong will try to take his own life. Within just two days, Jaejoong’s story became known by all the doctors and nurses.

Once at his apartment, jaejoong opened the door and went inside. The place smelled like old garbage. There was trash laid out all over the floor with dishes that has not been washed. He tosses his medication to the side and removed his jacket. He strolled through the blue carpet; you could see old blood stains and pills all over the floor. There were no pictures on the wall or any furniture.  The room was bear with nothing more than a small TV and a few books by its side. He ends up stepping onto an old photo facing down on the ground as he bends down to pick it up. It was a photo taken when he was 10 along with 5 others. There were 5 boys and one girl in the photo including him. All of them were smiling happily as the sun shine brightly in the background. Jaejoong remember it was a hot summer day when this photo was taken. His dad had taken all of them for a camping trip that summer. He remembers how excited all of them were. None of them were able to sleep that night as they stare out into the star cover night waiting for the morning light to come. These boys and girl in this photo was his best friend. They had met when they were in day care together. Ever since then all of them bonded quickly and went to the same school up till that tragic day.

It was the 5th day into that camping trip after the photo was taken. Jaejoong’s dad and mom had gone out to gather some few things to make a fire. The kids were order to stay where they are until the parent return. Being the troublesome kids they were they end up wondering into a nearby river. The water was crystal clear as the blue sky and sun reflected onto the water. You could see the fishes swimming in the water as well as the rough grey rocks underneath. Today was windier than usual as the flow of the river is stronger. Jaejoong was near the edge of the river poking fishes with a thin stick he had picked up. The little girl known as Eun chae walked up to him and bends down to his level.

“What are you doing?” she asked

“I’m trying to catch a fish” jaejoong spoke with a smile

“really?! Will you be able to catch one?” she asked full of excitement

“Of course! I am a man, man are able to catch fish” jaejoong spoke proudly

Jaejoong tried his best to catch the fish but failed on all his attempts as Eun chae started to chuckle and jaejoong was feeling embarrass.

“You won’t be able to catch a fish because you are not a man” came the voice of one of the other boys “you look like a girl that’s why you can’t catch the fish” he teased jaejoong.

“I am not a girl!” jaejoong shouted angrily

“Oh yea…then why do you look like one, even my mommy say that you look like a cute little girl” he chuckled

“I’m a boy, I’m not a girl!”

“Yes you are…jaejoong is a girl, jaejoong is a girl…” the little boy started to sing.

This made jaejoong angry as he lashes out at his best friend. This turned into a physical fight as Eun chae tried to stop them.  There were so much pushing going on that when Eun chae reached over to grab jaejoong, he ends up pushing her right into the river.  The current was strong and the river was deep. Both boys were frozen in shock as Eun chae struggle in the water. Both boys panicked as they rushes to find Jaejoong’s parent. However by the time Eun chae was pull out of the river, she was no longer breathing and they couldn’t save her. As everyone cried, the boy whom jaejoong was fighting with shifted the blame to jaejoong and called him a killer. Unknowingly and affected by emotions, the other 3 boys also started accusing jaejoong of killing Eun chae. Being so young, this tormented him and scarred him for life. After that, none of the boys wanted to play with him or talk to him ever again. They end up going to separate high school and college. Even though it’s been 10 years, jaejoong still have not spoken or seen any of them. When jaejoong turn 18, both his parent gotten into a car accident and die at the scene. It was his 18^th birthday and he had wanted everyone there to celebrate. He was acting like a spoil child throwing a tempter when his parent wasn’t going to make it. But without jaejoong knowing, his dad had left work early and pick up his wife. On the way home, their car was struck by a drunk driver.  This only resurfaced the scene of being call a killer by his closest friend. Since then jaejoong had never been the same. He wasn’t able to see the world the same way anymore and begin to see himself as a murderer. He withdraws himself from society and shut himself away in order not to harm anyone else. Even when his uncle wanted to take him in, he refuses but instead asked them to help him pay for an apartment. For 2 years jaejoong struggle with depression and sleep insomnia. He had tried to commit suicide three times, the first was cutting his wrist, the second was over dose on pain killer and now the third jumping off the building. No matter how many times he tried to kill himself, it never works. It was as if this is his punishment, to continue living and suffering.

Jaejoong dropped the photo to the ground and made his way toward the narrow balcony as he slides open the door. The cold breeze enters his body and into his apartment as the warmth disappears. There were snows on the ground of the balcony and without any shoes, jaejoong step onto them. He could feel the piercing coldness below his feet. It felted like stepping onto a thousand needles but he didn’t care. He took out a cigarette and struggle to light it. After a few seconds, he finally manages to light it as he took a puff and releases the smoke. He didn’t wear a jacket but only a thin cream sweater that hang loosely upon his skinny body. The sweater’s neck was large as one side hang over his thin pale shoulder.

“Maybe I should have jumped onto a moving train instead…” thought jaejoong as he took another puff of his cigarette and release it into the air as it faded away.

“Jaejoong?...” came a familiar voice.

Upon hearing his name, jaejoong turn his attention to the balcony next to his apartment. His eyes widen in shock as he drops his cigarette. Standing on the other balcony is the last person he would want to see. Never would he think that he would meet his childhood friend again. Jaejoong figure this must be a cruel fate that has bestowed upon him.

“Y-Yunho….” Jaejoong mumbled his name in disbelief

“It is you!” The young man name Yunho smiled happily after confirming that his next door neighbor is actually his childhood friend “wow! You went blond…I really do prefer the black though” he smiled.

Jaejoong’s body went numb. He couldn’t tell if it was the below zero freezing wind and snow that made his body numb or if it was this sudden encounter. All jaejoong know is that all the emotions he had bottled away begin to resurface. He has to admit that the snobby little brat he remembers had grown to be a handsome young man. Yunho was chubbier back then with round cheeks and shorter. But now he has gotten skinner and is muscular with a perfect jawline framing his handsome face. Jaejoong could see Yunho appearing in one of those fashion magazines.  

“It’s so good to see you again jaejoong, I was kind of nervous coming back here to Seoul and wasn’t sure where to look for you guys…” Yunho smile happily “I just moved in to this apartment today, surprisingly the inside is not as bad as the outside but it’s cheap. Oh did you hear, someone jump off this building two days before I move in…people were saying that there were so much blood on the ground…how scary, right?…but luckily he survive and only suffer a broken arm…” Yunho paused when he notices the cast on jaejoong’s arm “what happen to your arm?...”

Jaejoong didn’t even answer Yunho as he bends down to pick up his cigarette acting as if yunho didn’t exist. After confirming that the light has not died, he placed it back between his parted pink lips. Yunho stood there waiting for some kind of reply from jaejoong but received none. There was something different about jaejoong. He no longer had that cheerful and warm aura about him like when he was young. As Yunho stood there and stare at jaejoong, he notices the paleness of his skin. Jaejoong use to have such wonderful skin that glows in a healthy and beautiful color. Yunho also took note of how skinny jaejoong is and how his clothes hang loosely upon his body. The best word Yunho could think of to describe jaejoong would be “fragile”. He’s like a doll made of glass that if not carefully handle will break.

“H-hey j-jaejoong…I-f you are free tomorrow, want to go hang out and chat?” Yunho tried his best to put on a smile.

Like before jaejoong didn’t answer him or even look at him. Jaejoong took another puff of his cigarette before tossing it over the balcony. He then turn around and walked right back into his apartment

“W-wait jaejoong!...”

Yunho was cut short when jaejoong slide his glass door shut.  Once inside his small cramped apartment, Jaejoong felt like he could breathe once again. The numbness of his body slowly faded as he returned to his sense. Without any more thoughts into having Yunho as a neighbor, jaejoong strolled toward his bedroom as he opened the door. Like the rest of the room in the apartment, his room is also bare. However, the room was clean; there were no trash or smell of old garbage. There was no furniture to fill the room but rather just a twin size bed with one white bed covers and blanket. The bed is held up by a metal bed frame in the middle of the room. The floor was not carped but rather is polished dark brown woods. To the far left corner of the room is a white tall cage filled with a few small birds. Jaejoong could hear the usual creek of the floor as he walks over to his bed. He lies down and stares into the white ceiling wondering what kind of ill-fated future awaits him. 

to continue..................