Meanwhile Taeyeon couldn’t focus driving no thanks’ to Tiffany’s sudden bad news that made her heart wrenched. It felt like her heart was squeezed out that it stopped beating albeit merely for seconds. The tears stormed out from her eyes uncontrollably. No, Tiffany was not wrong. It was all Taeyeon’s wrong for hoping too much, for putting her heart on her sleeve, for exposing too much of her feelings that when Tiffany directly rejected her, she felt like the world was about to end by today.

She didn’t even know when it began; when Taeyeon’s heart started to beat differently; it beat faster when Tiffany was around and the different beat it caused was out of Taeyeon’s reach to control. Taeyeon was stupid, idiot even for falling for the person who least liked her. Tiffany hated her at first and due to some unknown miracles; she wanted to be Taeyeon’s friend and eventually became best friend. Who was Taeyeon that she could hope for more? That Tiffany would end up reciprocating her feelings.

Taeyeon spent most of her free time with Tiffany so it’s very hard not to fall for her. Taeyeon assumed it was merely an infatuation, a common physical attraction that would go away as time went by or until she have found a more attractive woman and yet months had passed but Taeyeon’s eyes couldn’t look another woman the same as she looked at Tiffany.

“You pabo Taeyeon! Pabo pabo pabo!!” Taeyeon kept on slapping her head with one of her hands while the other one was used to clench the wheel drive.

“Why?? Why must I fall for her?!” Taeyeon literally screamed inside her car for no one but herself to hear.

Taeyeon was a player, not that she was proud of it. She had a bad heartbreak story behind it and she had told Tiffany, but she hadn’t told Tiffany the complete story. She thought, there’s no need to tell Tiffany about it because ever since she had known Tiffany as a friend, she had promised herself to be a better person for herself and Tiffany.

She knew it’s likely impossible for Tiffany to like her back. She had prepared her heart for it, telling that it’d be okay just to be her best friend, as long as she could still see Tiffany smiling her heart for her, as long as she could be by Tiffany’s side, for as long as she could still hear Tiffany’s husky voice and unique laughter in her ears. So why must she feel despair that Tiffany told her she wanted to try dating again?

Taeyeon’s feelings were unrequited, not like it hadn’t predicted before. Then why after all the preparation she had planned; after the impenetrable wall she had built, she still got hurt at the end? Worst part of it, Tiffany didn’t have any idea that she had destroyed Taeyeon with her supposedly good news about dating plan.

Taeyeon sobbed while her tears flew like a waterfall. Her eyes were getting swollen. How long had she cried again? Why hadn’t she reached home? Because she deliberately drove around, going further and further away from her apartment. She didn’t want to reach her place just yet, no because she would felt more miserable, more lonely. At least driving around, she still could see the flashing lights radiated from the tall buildings, the lined up street lights, and people as she passed by them in hope there’s someone out there who had the same feelings as her; the feelings of being dejected and drowned in despair.

“Tiffany, Saranghae!” Taeyeon yelled for no one to hear.

“I love you so much! So much…” Taeyeon’s voice weakened. She hit the car’s wheel drive in anger, in disappointment, most of all, in desperation.

“Why can’t I be a man instead? Why love must know genders?” Taeyeon furiously complained.

“Why can’t I be the one you love, Fany-ah?” Taeyeon finally gave up.

She couldn’t blame Tiffany for not reciprocating her feelings. She couldn’t criticize Jessica for persuading Tiffany to have a date and at the very least, she could only appoint herself as the one who’s at fault. It’s all because of her unmanageable and stubborn heart that she was pun in this condition. It was due to her rebellious heart that kept telling her brain to dysfunction when it came to Tiffany. If only she didn’t lose her senses. If only her heart was obedient and chose not to manipulate her brain to obey her heart’s desires. If only…

Unable to going through this alone, she dialled Becca’s number from her hands-free. It was almost immediately answered.

“What time is it now, Tae? Ugh!” Hearing nothing but a faint sobbing, Rebecca immediately sat up, wrapping herself with nightgown and left the bedroom.

“What is wrong? Where are you now?” It was already late. The time showed it’s almost 12 am by now and Taeyeon was a friend who would never disturb her if it’s not important. She grew panic, hoping Taeyeon was okay.

“I don’t know where I am. I am still driving.” Came Taeyeon’s answer.

“Why are you not home? Didn’t you go home with Tiffany earlier? Wait.. it’s related to her, isn’t it?”

“She- she will have a date tomorrow.” Taeyeon cried again.

“Oh poor baby. Now hush. It’s gonna be her first date right? I heard from Jessica she never successfully went to the second date for the past year. There’s still chances for you.” Yes, Rebecca was the only person who knew about Taeyeon’s feelings for Tiffany and she fully supported Taeyeon, knowing Taeyeon likely the only person who could match and understand Tiffany best.

“But it’s not only because of that.” Taeyeon started. She inhaled slowly, trying to clear first before continuing.

“Then what is it?” Rebecca asked.

“It means she has decided to date a man. It means she has rejected me, Becca. There’s no way my feelings for her will be returned. My love for her will be forever unrequited.” Taeyeon’s exclamation made Rebecca sad too. She hold her hand to her face, trying to hinder the tears from coming out.

“You shouldn’t assume that far. We should first see how her date goes. Who knows by going to a date with a stranger would open her eyes and she will finally realize you are much better than all of the men in the world combined and it’s including John.” Rebecca tried to crack a joke. And yes, Taeyeon laughed even only a bit.

“Stop trying to make me feel better by lying, Becca. I should just swallow the truth that she would be owned by anyone but me. I want to move on, Becca. Tell me how to move on.”

“But.. You shouldn’t give up, Tae. You’re so close with Tiffany. All you need to do is confess. How can you already say that Tiffany cannot return your feelings when your feelings haven’t even been acknowledged by her? Don’t you think it’s unfair for Tiffany?”

“If not trying to say no to me indirectly, then why did she have to inform me about her date tomorrow? Why not lying instead, knowing it would only hurt me.” Taeyeon reasoned out.

“Like I have said, she hasn’t realized what you feel for her. How could she know it will hurt you?” Rebecca said calmly.

“She knows, Becca. I know she knows. I can feel it.” Taeyeon argued.

“Even if she knows, doesn’t mean she meant that way. What if she literally hinted you to act faster, to do something about her date?”

“Nah. I know her very well, Becca. She was very expressive that if she doesn’t like something, she would say it bluntly. If she doesn’t like someone doing something bad, she would confront that person vulgarly. In this matter, she didn’t say anything.” Taeyeon’s attempt to prevent her tears was a big failure. More tears streaming out and she couldn’t do anything to stop it.

“Would you please cast aside your negative thoughts first? Or at least, give it a chance. If it’s proven that Tiffany wouldn’t have the second that with that stranger, promise me you’ll be back to the optimist Taeyeon that I know?” Rebecca convinced.

“But what if-“

“No more what ifs’, Taeyeon. We shall discuss further about this on Monday, when we have known whether Tiffany decided to proceed to the second date or not.” Rebecca butted in.

“Fine. Should things don’t go as planned, will you help me to move on?”

“You can keep my words.”

“Thank you, Becca.” Taeyeon felt calmer now. Her logic had rebooted; her brain had worked again, understanding that no matter what she said or did right now wouldn’t help.

“Now go home and have a proper rest. By tomorrow we can hang out. I will go to your place and we will drink your sorrow away.” Rebecca tried to console Taeyeon.

“Let’s do that.” Taeyeon could finally smile, although there’s no one to see it.

---

Jessica told her to be ready at 11 am because that man, Arthur would pick her up sharply at 11.30 to have lunch before taking her to other places. It was like planning for suicide because it’d be the first time she had a date after a long time but she said yes when Jessica asked for approval whether it’d be okay to have a full day date.

The time already showed at 9 am but she hadn’t moved an inch from her bed. She had woken up since 7 am, drinking a glass of milk as her breakfast and going back to bed. She once never let go the mobile phone off of her hand but no message came from the person she wanted. No notification, no news about her since their goodbye last night. What went wrong?

Tiffany tried to contact her through message, telling her how sorry she was last night because she fell asleep before Taeyeon informed her she had arrived. She had sent it before she finally realized that Taeyeon didn’t even call her last night. She thought it was okay but after an hour without reply, she started worrying so she called her only to be answered by the automatic reply that the latter’s phone was unreachable.

“Where’s that midget? Why I got no news from her?” Tiffany muttered, restless.

And then Tiffany opened her gallery folder only to find numerous photos of her and Taeyeon in various places. Tiffany chuckled to herself. It turned out there were already so many restaurants she had visited together with Taeyeon. There were even photos from their quick escape together to Hongkong Disneyland last month. However, it made Tiffany missed her best friend. She missed hearing her annoying laughter, her melodious voice that often lulled her to sleep, and her non-stop teasing about how loud her voice was.

“It’s not the right time to think about her. You have a date, Tiffany!” Tiffany told herself, trying to knock her senses so she could divert her thoughts from Taeyeon.

“But at least I should tell her that I am going to a date at 12 pm.” Tiffany was already typing the words when she finally realized.

“Why must I tell her? It’s not like she’s my mother or my lover.” Tiffany murmured.

“Lover? What did I say again? Stupid.” Tiffany hit her forehead while laughing to herself.

“Right. I better get ready.” Tiffany got up and threw her phone to the bed.

The man turned out to be gorgeous with a couple of blue eyes and thin lips. His medium blonde hair was combed neatly. He turned out to be a veterinarian who opened a clinic only few blocks from where Tiffany worked. He was an laid back person but his communication skill was more than okay that Tiffany didn’t feel awkward even though it only was their first meeting.

He brought her to a Chinese food and it immediately reminded Tiffany of Taeyeon. That best friend of her loved Asians food above anything else and it sometimes caused them to fight because Tiffany preferred classic American foods while Taeyeon would pick Asians food every time. Tiffany mentally slapped her check because at the moment, she should have focused on the man sitting in front of her, not Taeyeon.

“Tiff? Tiffany?” Tiffany went back to reality after the man tried several times to get Tiffany’s attention.

“Ah yes, sorry. What were you saying again?” Tiffany smiled apologetically.

“Are you alright?” The man’s eyes full of concerns.

“Yes, I am. I just thought of some work.” Tiffany lied.

“You are a workaholic, aren’t you?” The man smiled sweetly.

“Not really.”

“If you’re not, you would have already a boyfriend. I have the same issues. People say I love pets more than human.” Arthur tried to make Tiffany smile and it worked.

“You should smile more often.” The man said.

“Why is that?”

“Because your smile is contagious that the virus is spread already. Look, I am smiling now.” The man obviously tried to flirt with her,

Thankfully, Arthur was easy going. She eventually could reduce her thoughts about Taeyeon and tried to react to Arthur’s jokes every now and then. The jokes were soft, unlike the sarcasm Taeyeon on air but still, she wondered why she preferred hearing Taeyeon’s lame jokes by now? At least, Taeyeon never openly romanticize Tiffany like him, not that Tiffany like it though.

The man took her to the cinemas next. He decided to watch romantic comedy and who was Tiffany to say no? It’s either the movie was very long or that Tiffany simply felt bored. Her phone was inside her pants’ pocket but it never vibrated even once. Taeyeon hadn’t replied her messages and it’s been hours. With a sigh, Tiffany pretended to be interested to the movie since the man beside her threw glances now and then. She could only smile when their eyes met.

Yes, Tiffany couldn’t lie that in her normal condition, she would have thought that Arthur was a man that’s fun to be with. He was humorous, he looked like a caring person since he fully paid attention to her during the date, he was handsome and he was a veterinarian (which Tiffany thought this was his best point). No, she didn’t compare him with Taeyeon, at least she didn’t want to admit it. He was different from Taeyeon; even their status was totally distinct; Taeyeon was her best friend while he was her date and soon to be her boyfriend should they decided to escalate their relationship later.

The long day finally came to an end and Tiffany felt relieved because she could finally get to meet her bed again. Today was fun, yes but at the same time it was tiring. He halted his car in front of Tiffany’s apartment building.

“Thank you for today. I have fun and I hope you do too.” The man said.

“I have fun too. Thank you for the effort and experiences. I am sorry if it was bored to you though, I am just this kind of boring woman I guess?” Tiffany awkwardly laughed.

“You are not boring. If anything, I would love to have another date with you tomorrow. What are you saying?” The man confidently asked.

“I..” Tiffany was confused. Should she accept or should she say no? The man was okay so far. He was even polite and could fulfil most of Tiffany’s checklist form. So, why should she feel hesitate?

“Do you have plan already?” The man asked again.

“Of course not. Let’s have another date tomorrow.” Tiffany’s heart was contradictive but she used her logic; that she should even feel lucky this man offered another date; that she would be stupid to say no.

“That’s great!” The man exclaimed excitingly. Tiffany smiled too seeing him so happy.

The man then came closer. Slowly but sure the distance between their faces grew smaller and the moment Tiffany realized, the man was already had his head tilted. Tiffany frowned, thinking. What should she do about it?

“I will see you tomorrow then, Arthur.” Tiffany made a decision. She swiftly wrapped her hands and hugged him.

“Oh Okay.” The man was startled but he looked fine.

“Bye for now.” Tiffany unfastened her seat belt and walked out.

“Bye. Dream of me okay?” The man lowered his window and waved his hand before driving away.

Tiffany should have felt happy, right? This time, Jessica’s choice was close to perfect and he even the one who asked for another date when most of the time there would be only one date for her because the man told her he wasn’t the right man for her. Those things been said, why she couldn’t feel anything? Relieved. That’s the word she could say about today’s date. What about tomorrow? Tiffany sighed, her mind was about to explode for all the desultory things running wild inside her mind.

---

Taeyeon was worried; constantly worrying for Tiffany and her date, about whether it was a succeed or not, whether the man was like a prince riding on a white horse and was anything Tiffany could dream of.

Taeyeon was afraid; the fright made her restless and diverted her thoughts on her imagination of Tiffany. Tiffany and her date; Tiffany, whose status was about to change soon; from single to dating. Taeyeon’s dread was about to kill her that even Rebecca’s presence couldn’t change much about it.

Taeyeon was sad; Rebecca made her watching comedies series but instead of laughing, she had urge to cry her heart out. Rebecca was panic seeing Taeyeon sobbing when the scene was shaking her stomach that supposedly it has to make Taeyeon laugh, but no. Taeyeon’s mind was in a messy state and so Rebecca turned the TV off and tried to console her friend.

“Are you sure you are okay to be alone?” Her friend asked full of concerns.

“I will be fine. I will just straight to the bed after you go home.” Taeyeon smiled, her face showed tiredness and she looked older with the still swollen eyes and cracked voice.

“You promise me to do that.” Rebecca ensured again. She grabbed her things and put it inside her purse.

“I promise, Becca.”

“You know I can always have a sleepover here. John wouldn’t mind.”

“But I don’t want to troublesome you. Besides, I am tired and I am sure my eyes will close automatically once my head touches the pillow.” Taeyeon stubbornly said and Rebecca gave up.

“Fine. Call me if you cannot sleep. Don’t sink yourself in despair further. I don’t like the gloomy version of Taeyeon. I prefer the cranky one.” Rebecca said as she walked to the front door.

“I know. I will be better in time. For now, let me pull out all the sadness I have inside.” Taeyeon nodded her head.

“Alright but please don’t take too long? I am sure you can always find a better version of Tiffany in other women out there.” Rebecca reminded.

“Blame my heart for it only wants Tiffany for now. But who knows, right? Maybe next month I will be ready for another venture and exploration for finding my baby.” Taeyeon tried to make a joke, just to make the worrying eyes of Rebecca slightly reduced.

“I will always be there for you, Taeyeon. I will even help you finding proper candidates if you want.” Rebecca put on her shoes and turned down the door’s knob.

“Thank you for everything, Becca. You are a good friend. Please let me know when you have arrived at home later, okay?”

“Will do! Good night, Taeyeon.”

“Goodnight”

And so her friend went home but sadly her dejection hadn’t said goodbye to her. She did as promised, going directly to the bedroom and rested her body on the fluffy bed. However, she promised to go to bed, but it didn’t mean she would go to sleep immediately; not because she wouldn’t but more like she couldn’t. Her mind was wandering and she lost control to order them to go back to the right place; no, her mind was Tiffany and she gave up trying to distract it to think of anything else.

Taeyeon looked at her phone. She deliberately turned if off since she had once being called by Tiffany in the morning. She didn’t want to talk to her no matter how much she missed hearing her cheerful voice. She didn’t want to hear anything related to Tiffany and her plan to date. She knew she was being childish and maybe selfish too, but she’s just that fragile when it came to love.

Her thumb was itchy to turn her mobile phone on. She wanted to reread the messages she exchanged with Tiffany. She wanted to take a look of their photos together just to reduce her longings from the latter. But she was afraid; what if Tiffany messaged her and informed her how her date was ecstatic? That she would love to have a second date real soon? Or worse; that the man already asked her to be his girlfriend and Tiffany had said yes.

Taeyeon shook her head, trying to dissipate her wild imagination. She was being judgmental about Tiffany. The Tiffany she had known was not an easy woman. She wouldn’t say yes right after the first date, would she? Tired of assuming, she pressed the power button longer and the screen lit up. She waited impatiently until the signal was on and the notification of messages started to attack her.

From: Tiffany

To : Taeyeon

“Taeyeon, I am so nervous about today’s date! What if the man later doesn’t want to have a second date like previous men before? Do you think I have to be myself or to be the woman who’s lovable for him? Like being obedient, love to throw giggles sweetly, and doesn’t show my dominant side?”

“You should just be yourself, Fany-ah. He is an idiot for not liking you the way you are.” Taeyeon said. She scrolled up and found new messages from the same sender.

From: Tiffany

To : Taeyeon

“I just remember something! How could you not tell me what time you arrived last night?! I fell asleep while waiting for your message. I just hope you are okay, Tae! Wish me luck for today!”

“I also forget to message you last night, Fany-ah. My mind was and still is in chaos state. I am physically okay; you don’t need to be worried.” Taeyeon weakly smiled. Taeyeon saw there were numbers of missed calls from Tiffany too but since her phone was off, she couldn’t reach Taeyeon.

Taeyeon locked her phone and was about to change her clothes into pyjama when a new message notification was received. She was surprised, thinking that Tiffany wouldn’t message her again until she met her for real on Monday. She quickly grabbed her phone to read the message out loud.

From: Tiffany

To : Taeyeon

“I got back from the date. It was unexpectedly more than okay. His name is Arthur and he is one year older than me. He is handsome and polite man. He’s even a veterinarian so automatically he loves cat XD

We are okay, aren’t we? Why can’t I reach you at all since we parted last night? L

I missed you…”

“I missed you too, Fany-ah; more than you can ever imagine. But my heart is not that strong to hear about your exciting date story. Please let me be selfish just this one time?” Taeyeon put down her phone and again drowned in her sorrow. She spent her night crying until she finally fell asleep.

The morning woke Taeyeon up because obviously she forgot to close her curtain that the sun light penetrated her window and finally reached her face. She frowned, eyes wrinkled and finally opened.

“Ugh.” Taeyeon clenched her head, feeling like it was hammered with a stone.

“What time is it?” Taeyeon grabbed her phone only to find it dead. She weakly smiled, dragging her body to rest on the bed headboard.

“I am thirsty.” Taeyeon took the water on the bed side table and gulped it in one go. It’s Sunday by now and so far, it’s the worst weekend Taeyeon had ever experienced.

*Growl*

Taeyeon was hopeless. Her stomach protested, asking to be fed when she had lost her appetite. But then again, making her friends worried about her was the least thing she preferred. She lazily climbed down from her bed and directed her feeble body toward the kitchen. She chose cereal as her first food after hours of empty stomach.

Taeyeon brought her bowl to the living room. She turned the TV on just so she wouldn’t feel the emptiness eating her even more. It’s a lie if she said that she was okay, because apparently, she’s far from being alright. The longings of seeing Tiffany was unbearable but she just knew, meeting her meant she would restart her attempt to avoid Tiffany.

It took her an hour until her bowl was completely empty. The show on the TV was ignored. Her gaze was empty, her heart was stinging, but her eyes complained because she had endlessly cried. Another hour took place but she hadn’t moved from her place.

She suddenly remembered something so she went back to her bedroom to have her phoned plugged into the charger. She didn’t bother to wait for it to reboot. She left the room, going to the bathroom to have a bath, thinking maybe she would feel refreshed after she had washed herself.

Taeyeon exited from the bathroom and took a quick glance at the clock. It was merely 12 AM. Surely time flew too slowly for her liking. She cursed under her breath, wishing it was Monday already so she could make herself busy with work. She changed her clothes into a casual one with jeans and white T-Shirt covered by grey cardigan. She planned to drive around, spending her time with strangers in the park.

Taeyeon’s gaze was far directed to the people playing around, couple holding hands while enjoying the summer breeze, and some old people walking their dogs in the park. Taeyeon was here all alone; Tiffany was not by her side. The wind was cold and tears filled up her eyes. She sat, resting her back on the tree. Taeyeon had a smile on her face, but not the happy one. She was however happy for people who she looked around seemed happy. At least, there were happy people although she wasn’t included.

The day had become dark and the sun had slowly replaced by the moon that’s ready for the night shift anytime. Taeyeon felt slightly better that today had almost ended and it’d be in merely 12 hours from then, she would wake up and get ready for Monday. She walked back to her car. She locked the door but hadn’t started up the engine yet. Her mind told her to go home but her heart couldn’t endure it any longer. She missed Tiffany too much and at this rate, she’s sure she would lose her sanity if she didn’t see Tiffany.

This would be the last time she follow her heart or so she told herself. Taeyeon then drove her car toward Tiffany’s apartment. She even skipped dinner, reasoning she wasn’t hungry and that she had eaten one-handed burger while sitting on the grass before anyway. It took her half an hour until she arrived. It was thrilling; mixed between exciting and afraid to meet Tiffany. At the very least, she would have a close look at Tiffany’s face and if she’s lucky and Tiffany wasn’t that mad at her, maybe she would see Tiffany smiling at her too.

It was merely few meters away until she reached Tiffany’s apartment building but she stopped her car halfway. From the opposite direction she could look a black slick sedan parked in front of Tiffany’s apartment building. She could always ignore it but she chose not to; her intuition sto