Chapter 28

Irene sleeps – locked in SeulGi’s arms – that night. The comfort she never knew she needed being given to her.

She’s been crying for quite some time then. Until SeulGi decides for Irene to just sleep it off – since Irene doesn’t speak, or even tell a hint why she’s crying.

But Irene doesn’t let SeulGi go, not even for a second. Not even until they reach Irene’s room, and she’s still holding on to SeulGi, and SeulGi’s too nice enough to let her. Irene doesn’t let SeulGi go, even when SeulGi lays her to bed, and assures her that everything will be fine. It only made Irene hold onto SeulGi tighter.

Because SeulGi had no idea that Irene’s crying because of her.

Because SeulGi has no idea that Irene’s in love with her.

Though Irene thinks that maybe SeulGi senses that something really is wrong because SeulGi lies down with her and pulls her closer – closer than they already are – in a tighter embrace.

“It’s alright, Irene,”

Irene feels SeulGi’s breath hit her ears, and she can’t help the shudder that her body brings when SeulGi’s this close. More so when SeulGi adds, and repeats with that same comforting tone,

“I’m here.”

It seems Irene’s tears have lives of their own, for she cannot control them anymore. It seems her mind has its own life as well, because the image of SeulGi with Wendy and her family all looking so happy keep on repeating and repeating. Taunting her over and over.

Over and over until she can’t take it anymore and her sobs will all be what she has.

And Irene clutches harder to SeulGi, her head sickeningly bowed to meet SeulGi’s chest just to hide her tears.

Irene feels SeulGi’s hand smooth her back up and down. She hears SeulGi whisper tender words as to calm her, to assure her, but Irene does not stop,

Because even the calmest touch cannot calm her aching heart.

---

Irene wakes up with an unbelievable sting on her eyes. She silently curses as she tries to rub it, but then she finds out that she can’t move her hands to meet her eyes,

Because she finds herself cradled into SeulGi’s arms.

“Good morning,” Irene sees SeulGi smile, and when she’s that close to SeulGi – so close she can practically confuse her heartbeat with the other girl’s – she can’t help but feel the pain in her eyes be replaced with the blood on her cheeks, “Are you feeling better now, Irene?”

Irene feels worse, but she can’t help but nod at SeulGi.

With SeulGi’s smile, how can her senses not leave her?

And Irene guesses she’s wrong because then she feels a sense of pain shoot through her heart when she remembers why she’s cried too much.

That that smile SeulGi’s been giving her was nowhere near as bright when SeulGi was with Wendy.

So Irene detaches herself slowly, turning her back on the other girl so she won’t see that darned smile.

And Irene’s sure she wants to leave her bed already. She can’t bear to be on the same space as SeulGi right now. She can’t stand to be breathing the same air, to be feeling the same touches.

And Irene’s sure she’s about to stand up, that is, until she feels SeulGi hug her from behind and pulls her close once more.

“L-Let’s,” SeulGi starts to speak, and Irene doesn’t want to get ahead of herself but she swears she can feel SeulGi’s heart pound against her back, “Let’s stay like this for a little bit more.

“… Please.”

And just how can Irene resist?

When SeulGi said it so softly?

---

Not a word was exchanged during their drive to school.

Not even when she knows it’s confusion in SeulGi’s eyes that she sees when the blonde notices it’s SooYoung instead of SuHo by the school gate, waiting for Irene.

Irene’s sure SeulGi wants to ask, because SeulGi turns her head to Irene, but SeulGi did not speak.

And Irene remains speechless as well when she sees SooYoung talking to Wendy, laughing with Wendy, as the tall girl waits for her.

Feeling somehow betrayed even if it should not feel or look like what it seems.

And Irene’s sure it’s loathing inside Wendy’s eyes when they glare at each other for a moment. She knows Wendy was about to say something, but was quickly stopped when SeulGi greets her and they walk on their own way.

Like Irene wasn’t even there.

And Irene’s sure it’s pain inside her eyes when that happened.

Because even if Irene was the one who set the boundaries right from the start, when she’s the one who made it specifically and crystal clear that she doesn’t want to be seen with SeulGi in school, when she was the one careful not to get too close, when she was the one who built the barriers and walls between SeulGi and her from the beginning,

It feels like when it actually happened.

When SeulGi actually did not acknowledge her anymore? When SeulGi follows her orders of being strangers? When SeulGi acts like they really are nothing?

And Irene knows it’s stupid, she feels stupid for even thinking that.

Because why should it feel like that?

Why does she let herself feel like that?

---

Irene feels herself being turned around when she was about to leave the wash area, and Irene smirks a bit because she’s correct about a while ago,

That it was distaste and hatred written all over Wendy’s face.

But her smirk quickly falters when Wendy asks – questions,

“How much do they owe you?!”

Irene only scowls at the question, not sure if Wendy even got the right person to ask that.

So this only urges Wendy to point a finger by Irene’s shoulder – demanding an answer to a question that Irene has long forgotten,

“How much does SeulGi’s family owe you?”

It eats at Irene because how did Wendy know? And it eats at her more when she thinks it’s because of her dinner with the Kangs last night.

“Dad-,” Wendy exhales first before correcting herself, “Mr. Kang slipped about it and they won’t tell me what really happened.”

And Irene resists all the urges to slap the hell out of the other girl when Wendy dared call SeulGi’s father her own father.

But Irene can’t control the hatred in her words, because she spits the words out,

“Why the hell do you care?”

Irene feels the bit triumphant when she sees the flare light up in Wendy’s eyes, and so Irene only continues,

“Mind your own business, SeungWan.”

Irene honestly thought that Wendy would slap her by then, would scrape her, or at least yell at her, but then it was Irene who was slapped across the face,

Slapped with the words that hurt more than a thousand hands striking her,

“I am,” Wendy smiles – a smile that puts Irene to shame, shamed because Wendy just has to rub it against Irene’s face one more,

“SeulGi is my business.”

Irene grits her teeth in irritation, in anger, in pain when Wendy has said that. Like Wendy is the one who owns SeulGi.

“So now, tell me how much their family owe yours.” Wendy takes a step closer, as to stand her ground, or as to intimidate Irene. Irene doesn’t know, because she feels like Wendy’s doing both.

But Irene decides to be firm as well, “Why don’t you ask SeulGi instead?”

And Irene decides to be the one scorning Wendy when Irene asks,

“I thought you two are so close?”

Irene sees Wendy squint her eyes with what Irene said, and so a smirk forms on Irene’s face.

“I may not know the whole story,” Wendy starts to speak, her eyes still squinted, “But do know that SeulGi will be out of your clutches.”

And it was Irene’s turn to narrow her eyes, because she feels enraged again.

So Irene spats the words as she spitefully glares at Wendy, “Are you threatening me?”

“Why?” Wendy maintains her glare at Irene, and it’s Irene who can’t return the glare anymore,

Because Wendy just has to mock,

“Are you threatened?”

---

Irene pushes pass through Wendy. It wasn’t Irene’s intention to knock her shoulder with Wendy’s when she walked pass the other girl quickly, afraid that any moment she’ll break down again.

Irene quickly walks, not knowing where to go, just knowing she has to get out from there. Because Wendy’s words suffocate her, Wendy’s words hurt her.

Because Irene does feel threatened.

She feels pained again,

Because she knows it’s true.

That one way or another, SeulGi will be out of her reach soon. That SeulGi will only be a memory burning at the back of her mind.

That SeulGi will finally live her life like she wanted to, will enjoy her life again,

A life without Irene.

And Irene doesn’t know what to feel anymore.

Because her own thoughts are hurting her.

When she knows that SeulGi will be perfectly fine without her but she…

She can’t even think of her life without SeulGi anymore.

Because SeulGi had always been what she saw, because SeulGi had always been who she’s with.

Because SeulGi is the one she sees first every morning, and the last that she sees before drifting to sleep. Because SeulGi is the one who makes her heart beat incredibly fast, because SeulGi is the one who makes her blood run like crazy to her face, because SeulGi is the one who makes her bite her lip in excitement, or in distress, or in awe.

Because SeulGi is the reason why she feels different things.

And for SeulGi to not even know of them.

So Irene doesn’t know what to feel anymore, because there have been a lot of things to feel by that point.

Irene doesn’t know what to do anymore, because then she sees SeulGi pass her by the hall – passing by her like she’s nothing but the wind, like she’s nothing at all. Not even looking at her, not even a glance.

And Irene doesn’t know what to ing do anymore,

Because SeulGi was looking for SeungWan.

---

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Irene hears SooYoung ask in between chews.

She only looks at her taller friend as she nods, earning her a look she knows screams that SooYoung doesn’t believe her.

“Did something happen? Between you and SuHo?”

Irene looks down, remembering her conversation with SuHo the day before. She nods, because it’s somehow true.

“.” SooYoung mutters in disbelief, “Did you break up?”

“We were not together in the first place, SooYoung.” Irene finally speaks, “And I don’t want to talk about it now. I don’t want to talk about anything right now.”

She only hears her friend sigh, and she knows SooYoung’s not offended with her words. She likes to think the other girl is so used to her by now.

“Alright, Irene.” SooYoung pats her head,

“If you say so.”

---

Irene is the one waiting by the car that afternoon, surprisingly. Though she doesn’t mind, she doesn’t care.

She waits as she hugs herself from the afternoon breeze.

Had it always been like this for SeulGi? When SeulGi waits for her for minutes, for hours?

But her wandering stops when she finally hears that voice she’s been longing for to call her,

“Are you feeling cold?”

And even before she turns around, she feels a coat cover her. Repelling the cold, and transferring the other person’s warmth to her.

She does feel herself get warm, because she finally turns around and sees SeulGi.

SeulGi smiling.

“Do you feel better now?” She hears SeulGi ask, and Irene can only nod as response.

She’s too lost for words.

“Come on,” SeulGi leads her to the car as SeulGi opens the car door for her, “We don’t want you getting sick now, do we?”

Irene only follows SeulGi’s lead, her senses blank because she also smells SeulGi’s scent cover her.

And Irene doesn’t mind it at all.

So Irene lets out a small smile.

---

Irene would have talked to SeulGi about things.

About her feelings, about Wendy, about SuHo.

About anything.

But Irene’s nerves always get through before her and so she just shuts up.

She shuts up for days that turned into weeks.

Weeks where she feels mixed signals from SeulGi – where SeulGi would be all over her in one moment then would back away the other, where SeulGi would be looking at her like Irene’s the only one person in the world for a moment then SeulGi would be acting like Irene does not exist in another, where SeulGi would be making Irene feel the happiest in one minute and then would also be making her feel the loneliest the next minute.

When she would see SeulGi looking at her with wonder, and what Irene still wants to believe is love, then she would see SeulGi looking at her with what she believes is disappointment, or regret, or sadness. And Irene doesn’t know why.

Why all of a sudden?

The cold-hot treatment, the push-pull game that is still in play between them.

That Irene has set, that she has triggered.

Just for all of it to come back to her, like a boomerang swung off strongly. Only to come back to her and hit her as hard.

And Irene just shuts up for days that turned into weeks.

With Wendy’s words ringing through her ears, with SeulGi’s smile playing in her mind in a loop.

With her thoughts of not being with SeulGi tortures her over and over.

And Irene just continues to shut up,

Until she receives a phone call – which for some reason she fears to answer – from her mother.

---

“Hyun-ah!”

“What is it, Mom?” Irene asks as she’s used to call her mother or the other way around, but Irene admits that she feels… uneasy for some reason.

That this phone call, whatever they’ll be talking about, is different that their normal ‘how are you’s.

“I’m just checking up on you, seeing how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine, Mom.” Irene shakes her head as a smile forms on her lips. Her mom really is a worry-wart, “How are things there at Daegu?”

“Oh, the usual. Your father says ‘hi’, by the way.”