They’re all too anxious to get to the quiet and solitude of their seats on the plane to notice that something is wrong. It’s the only excuse any of them can think of the next day, but by then it’s too late, and excuses are meaningless.

Fans scream and shriek as the group walks by. Someone pulls Jongdae’s shirt hard enough to tear the seam at the bottom. Zitao has so many gift bags and stuffed toys shoved at him that he can hardly see in front of his face. Yixing gets his pinched four different times while he bows politely and dimples at everyone. The managers are doing their best to keep people away, but the fans are persistent when it could be their only chance to see their idols; their only chance to be seen in return.

Luhan has his arm thrown around Minseok’s shoulder in the appearance of friendship. Nobody is fooled, except, perhaps, Luhan.  The managers share knowing looks and can only shrug because Minseok really should be looked after when the crowd of fangirls and fanboys is so eager to steal any piece of them that they can get in their hungry grasps.

Minseok lets it happen like he always does because Luhan doesn’t really know what he’s doing, not yet at least, and it’s so easy to pretend that none of it means anything. Besides, in a world where every touch and glance, no matter how innocent, can lead to a scandal, the only free passes any of them possess lays amongst the twelve of them. It doesn’t matter if they’re holding hands or hugging as they walk by the crowd and are photographed because the fans like to maintain the illusion that their idols are close; only between the twelve members will the fans thirst for such displays of skinship and affection.

Minseok waves cutely, and the shouting increases. As someone calls out a marriage proposal, Luhan’s arm is resituated to rest possessively around Minseok’s waist, pulling the two together from shoulder to hip. The smile that he graces the crowd with is both brilliantly charming and faintly predatory. Sometimes Minseok wonders if Luhan knows how much of it is real and how much is just an act put on to tease the masses. Minseok sure as hell doesn’t know.  The noise level reaches absurd heights, and the flashing of cameras becomes blinding. It’s only thanks to Luhan’s grip that Minseok doesn’t trip over his own feet in all the excitement.

By the time they make it through airport security and are allowed to board the plane, Minseok has a headache. Zitao is already on the phone with Sehun, talking about a gift a fan gave him with a fancy label on the side of the bag, and asking if Joonmyun will meet them at the airport when they land. Yixing has his earbuds in, head resting against the seat as his fingers drum out a beat against his thigh. Jongdae’s long eyelashes are already brushing his cheekbones, lingering longer and longer, and he’s asleep before the plane even takes off.

Luhan takes the seat beside Minseok without question like it’s his rightful place. He sprawls out in the chair, legs splayed wide, and Minseok honestly can’t tell if Luhan has their legs pressed together because there isn’t enough room or because he can’t seem to stop touching Minseok. Luhan doesn’t even notice he does it anymore, and Minseok can never find the right time to bring it up. It is one thing to be this way in front of the expectant eyes of their fans, but they’re alone for now. What does it mean when nobody is watching?

****

“He said that he had something important he had to take care of.  It didn’t seem suspicious at the time…”

“I just don’t understand how you guys left him there,” Kyungsoo says tightly. Joonmyun is silently seething on the couch behind him, and that’s even scarier than if he’d been stomping around and yelling. “Why the hell would you get on the plane without him?! When have we ever split up like that when we’re not on break?!”

Baekhyun snorts derisively, and Minseok can’t help but cringe when Kyungsoo turns. Luhan’s hand clutches at his thigh, knuckles white from his tight grip. He’s still as a statue, face pale and lips pulled thin.

“Now is not the time for your bull-”

“When do we ever get a ing break?!” Baekhyun snaps under the glare, completely unrepentant. He barrels on even when Chanyeol tries to pull him back to his seat. “No! No, this. Kris left, and I’m happy for him! We work our asses off every single day, and we get nothing in return! No money, no dating, no family or vacation. We never-”

“He betrayed us! We have to work even harder now because he’s a lazy mothe-”

“Whoa! Whoa!” Chanyeol steps between Baekhyun and Kyungsoo and makes them move apart. “Calm down, okay? You’re going to say something you’ll end up regretting. We don’t know anything for sure right now. Hyung might come back, or the reports could be wrong and this is all a big misunderstanding. We don’t know, right?”

He’s sending pathetically pleading looks toward Joonmyun, begging the leader to give them some kind of hope. Minseok can almost see the shutters that Joonmyun slams shut over his fury brewing in his eyes, and in the span of a second he looks perfectly calm and collected.

“Chanyeol’s right; we don’t know anything for sure. The only thing that is certain is that we need to stick together. No fighting, and I mean it,” he says with a gentle steel in his words.

Minseok almost believes him.

Chanyeol sags with relief, and Zitao finally stops sniffling long enough to wipe his tears. Sehun’s face is blank like it has been ever since he first showed everyone the news article on his phone. Jongin is scowling at the floor, but every few minutes he blinks rapidly to keep himself from crying. Yixing looks lost as if he’s just learned everything he’s ever believed in was only a lie. Jongdae has his arm around Zitao, trying to help the younger boy hold it together.

Luhan’s as pale as a ghost and trembling where his hand clings to Minseok. He looks terrified.

****

Kris isn’t coming back. EXO is.

The concert, their very first official one, is rapidly approaching and all of the choreography needs to be changed to accommodate eleven people instead of twelve. Songs need to be rearranged. It’s impossible to learn Kris’ lines and not feel his absence like a gaping wound that is ripped open with every note. It hurts even more to know that he’ll never be there to sing those parts again.

 Life is hell.

Sleep has never been overly abundant, but with all the extra work that needs to be done last minute, sleep is virtually nonexistent. They’re given energy drinks and caffeine pills to stay awake as long as possible. Their food becomes protein shakes and salads that can be eaten quickly on the go from one practice room to another or in the back of the vehicle as they’re hauled around. Exhaustion is something that each of the members becomes intimately acquainted with.

Walking the halls of the building is like a field of land mines. Other groups either laugh at their misfortune, pleased at EXO’s fall from grace, or they give them pitying looks that are almost worse. Outside the building is dangerous as press and fans hound them for some kind of comment or response. People want to see their anger and hurt; they crave the drama, feeding off it like blood leeches. It feels like people only want to see them fail. The company has demanded their silence, and nobody is to have contact with Kris. Their phones are taken.

It’s revealed that Baekhyun is dating Taeyeon. The scandal is huge because the fans feel like they’ve been made fools of, especially in light of all the supposed evidence on instagram. They’re hurt and betrayed, but more importantly, they’re momentarily distracted. EXO stays relevant in the headlines as the concert gets even closer.

Dorm life is like walking on eggshells; an uneasy silence weighs the air down with impossible strength. Nobody is pleased with Baekhyun’s dating scandal—nobody except the company. Taeyeon is pretty and talented, but she’s also rude and condescending. Chanyeol walks around looking like a kicked puppy. Baekhyun is unnaturally quiet. Kyungsoo has retreated into a protective bubble with Jongin and Yixing, doing his best to make sure they don’t irritate their old injuries while dancing so fiercely. Sehun is petulant at all times. Any tiny thing can send Zitao off on a righteous spiel or a crying spree. Joonmyun is ignoring Jongdae because Jongdae was the last person to speak to Kris and didn’t have the foresight to force him to get on the plane that day. It’s childish, and Minseok can already see Joonmyun beginning to cave in, but Jongdae’s quickly getting thinner and thinner, stressing his voice as he throws himself into vocal training to escape the silence.

Luhan falls asleep in Minseok’s bed more often than not. For the precious few hours they manage to collect, Minseok can’t find it in himself to wake Luhan up just to move. Luhan clings in his sleep, leaving fingertip shaped bruises on his hips that burn like a brand on Minseok’s skin all day. The dark circles under his eyes are more pronounced when he’s dreaming. When they wake up with their legs tangled together and Luhan’s hair tickling Minseok’s nose, he can’t even spare enough energy to ask Luhan what it is they’re doing.

****

That first concert comes and goes, only to be followed by an endless procession. They travel more times than can be counted, staggering from stage to stage, from country to country. The fans are the only strength that the group has to keep them going. Tensions are high, the members all still so hurt and exhausted that they can’t do much more than coexist.

They are interviewed a million times, and their ‘official’ stance on the situation is that Kris left for selfish reasons, but the remaining eleven members are stronger and closer than ever. Individually, nobody believes it.

Most of them are still ignoring Baekhyun who isn’t helping matters by sulking around like he’s guilty. There are rumors on the internet that Baekhyun and Taeyeon aren’t really dating, but the company is throwing them under the bus because press about dating is a lot less harmful than press about disbandment and lawsuits for the stock holders. Minseok honestly has no idea if it’s true or not, and whenever one of them tries to ask Baekhyun about it, he avoids the question with a forced joke and leaves the room. It’s an unsettling thought, but Minseok wouldn’t put it past the company to use them in such a way even though it’s clearly had a negative impact on Baekhyun’s already overstressed emotions.

Chanyeol follows Jongin around with only praise falling from his lips. Even Jongin doesn’t have the heart to tell him to stop when it’s obvious that Chanyeol is suffering from Baekhyun’s isolation. Joonmyun does his best to keep the group’s image favorable; his determination is admirable. Sehun is glued to Zitao’s side with a permanent scowl upon his face, wearily staring at each member when they’re not looking like he’s trying to decide who will betray him next. Kyungsoo is busy with drama filming and there’s talk of a movie in the future.

Minseok walks in on the Chinese members having a heated conversation in rapid-fire Mandarin. He’s picked up a lot of the language in the last few years, but he has no idea what they’re saying and they quiet as soon as he appears in the doorway.

Later, after Zitao and Yixing leave, Minseok crawls into bed and waits silently until the mattress dips beside him. Luhan is clearly nervous about something, but it’s not about this, not about them. Luhan doesn’t even give a thought to climbing under the covers after him, linking their fingers together and holding so tight that Minseok can feel Luhan’s heartbeat through the touch.

“You can talk to me,” he says gently, holding on just as tight.

Luhan’s face is turned so all that is visible is his profile. It’s dark, but Minseok can make out delicate eyelashes clinging wetly to pale cheeks. There’s a choked off sob that makes Minseok’s heart lurch painfully. He curls his arm around Luhan’s waist, pulling him around until Luhan’s face is pressed into the hollow of Minseok’s throat. He curls himself around Luhan until the trembling stops and his breathing evens out to sleep.

Minseok spends the next few hours they’re given before morning wakeup call (3am) with thoughts racing through his head.

He and Luhan have always had a lot in common, and they got along well as friends. When the company told the group that more skinship was needed, it was easy to let Luhan’s casual touches come more often and linger longer. He’s always known that friends don’t hold hands and sleep together in quite the same way that the two of them do.  Luhan’s obviously attracted to him, but he’s just as obviously unwilling to admit it. Minseok isn’t sure if it’s because he is afraid of being ‘unmanly’ or it’s just plain denial, but Luhan refuses to accept what everyone else can see written so clearly on his face every time he looks at Minseok.

And Minseok only now realizes that he has always been looking back.

****

Things are awkward between them for the first time.

There’s one part of the choreography of the concert where they are supposed to pretend to kiss. It’s stupid, and they’ve done it what feels like a hundred times, but the crowd always goes insane as soon as they lean toward each other. The screams are louder the closer they get.

This time is different for Minseok. EXO is on stage, the other members bouncing around and trying to look cute while pushing the two of them together. His heart is pounding with excitement, the loud music rushing through his veins as it echoes from the speakers. The fans are chanting and singing along. There’s streamers and confetti literally everywhere.

And Luhan…

 Luhan is staring at him like Minseok hung the moon in the sky. There’s always been a particular sparkle to his big brown eyes that has caused many a person to call Luhan beautiful instead of handsome, but right now, in this moment, there’s a whole galaxy glittering with promise and adoration. With love.

The moment bursts like a popped bubble when Jongdae shoves them together with a boisterous laugh. He stumbles forward a step, and Luhan’s arms catch him like they always do. His cheeks are burning, his heart is racing, and Luhan is just so tempting with his shiny lips and heart eyes.

There is a second when they lean toward each other, just for a single breath, where Minseok forgets that they’re on a stage surrounded by fans and cameras. In that moment they are alone, lost in each other and their heaving chests, and he is certain they’re finally going to acknowledge it, finally going to cross the very last bridge that holds them apart.

But then Luhan laughs, loud and with that adorably weird smile, and they’re pulling apart.

****

“Tell me.” It’s said quietly, softly, but there’s no room for argument in his voice. Luhan shrugs and tries to stand up, but Minseok won’t let him go: not anymore; not now that he knows what they both want.

He catches Luhan’s wrist which is too thin and fragile in his grasp.

“Tell me, please.”

Luhan tries to yank himself away, but he’s never been as strong as Minseok, and the difference is only more pronounced now. He lands on the edge of the bed and pulls his knees up to his chin. He’s pale and thin. All of them have been affected by the extra work and grueling schedule, but this seems extreme. Luhan has never looked so young and scared before.

“You’ll hate me,” Luhan whispers so quietly that it almost goes unheard. “You’ll hate me, and I-I can’t deal with that.”

Minseok sighs with a heavy heart. Something is wrong, and he just wants to know what it is so he can help. How in the world can Luhan be so oblivious? There’s nothing that Minseok can think of that would ever make him hate his friend. If it’s about what almost happened at the concert, then they can deal with it together. If Luhan doesn’t return Minseok’s feelings and it’s all been a huge misunderstanding (which is almost unimaginable, to be honest), then Minseok will be content to leave things the way they are. He can live his life happily being Luhan’s friend if that’s all Luhan wants from him.

They just need to be honest and clear the air.

He shoves Luhan good-naturedly, and then quickly steadies him when he almost falls over. “We’re best friends, Han, and that’s not going to change no matter what you say.”

“Even if I’m the reason he left?” Luhan asks with a humorless laugh. Minseok’s heart stops and then begins beating in overtime. There’s no question as to who Luhan is talking about. Only one person has left them all behind. This is not at all what he thought they’d be discussing.

“What are you talking about?” Minseok says carefully, clenching his hands together to hide the shaking.

Luhan won’t look at him, hanging his head down so his voice is muffled by his pulled up knees. “We tried talking to the company; we really did. Together and separately, we’ve both tried so many times to make things better, but they wouldn’t listen, Minseok. They just wouldn’t listen.”

Minseok doesn’t want to hear this. He doesn’t want to be in this room, sitting on this bed that he’s shared with Luhan for months and months. He doesn’t want any of it to be true.

“What are you talking about?” he asks again, but he doesn’t yell. He won’t yell no matter how upset he is. His voice cracks, but he’s not sure if it’s from anger or sadness. “Why?”

“You know why,” replies Luhan with quiet vehemence. “They’ve never treated us the way they treat the rest of you, and they don’t even treat you guys they way they should. But still, we don’t get the opportunities that you get. We don’t get the respect that we deserve.” He sniffs, and Minseok can hear the tears in his voice, the resentment and anger that’s built up after years of holding it in. “There have been so many movie offers, and dramas interested in us, but the company always turns them down. Why? They let Joonmyun, Chanyeol and Kyungsoo do all sorts of projects. We’ve worked just as hard, Minnie. We’ve given up just as much. Why are we worth less than the rest of you?”

“That’s not true!”

Luhan sighs and turns away. “Isn’t it?”

They sit there in silence for long minutes. Minseok doesn’t know what he’s thinking or feeling because nothing makes sense anymore. He swallows thickly and forces out a question that he’s not sure he wants to hear the answer to.

“What did you mean when you said he left because of you?”

“He and I talked about the situation a lot. It’s been a long time since the issues started--maybe even from the very beginning.” He keeps rubbing at his face, trying to wipe away tears that won’t stop. He’s crying, but his face is set in a determined frown. Minseok’s heart falls even further, and he just knows that this is bad, terrible news. “After the last time the company dismissed us when we asked for changes, I told him that I was going to leave. He said it wasn’t a good idea, and that everyone would blame me for ruining the group. He said you guys would never forgive me, and that I would never be able to be happy with that guilt on my conscience.”

“He seems to be shouldering the blame just fine,” Minseok mutters angrily.

Luhan laughs again and it sounds pained. “He hoped that the company would take the situation more seriously if he was gone. That they’d treat the rest of us like humans instead of machines. And…” he trails off.

“And what?”

He takes a deep breath and exhales, facing Minseok and staring him the eye for the first time all evening. His eyes are so deep and sad, clouded by tears and heartbreak.

“He did take all the blame on himself, Minseok. He left first to pave the way for the rest of us if it becomes too hard to stay here, if the company was still unwilling to change. People will be angry if somebody leaves, but they’ll never blame anyone as much as they blame Kris for leaving first. It doesn’t matter if it’s another Chinese member or if it’s a Korean member; any of us can get out now, and it won’t be as bad as it is for him.”

It only takes a moment for horrifying comprehension to dawn in Minseok’s mind. He feels his heart shatter completely in the pit of his stomach.

“You’re going to leave.”

Fresh tears leak from the corners of Luhan’s eyes making his eyelashes spike against his pale, sunken cheeks. Minseok really looks at him, through the cute smile and sparkling eyes, and he sees how small Luhan has become. He can’t get over the bony wrists and thin skin. Luhan has been quiet lately—he’s always tired and has been scarily close to passing out after concerts. There have been multiple occasions where he really probably should have gone to a hospital and stayed for awhile but didn’t.

He’s still a star, but now he’s one that is dulling slowly, fading away until there will only be black, empty space where he once existed.

Minseok doesn’t want to see him burnout.

****

Their first and only kiss has been years in the making. It seems fitting that it happens on stage for everyone to see since it’s only become what it is because of the fans demanding they get closer.

Jongdae doesn’t even have to jokingly push them together.

When the time comes for them to pretend to kiss, Luhan is nearly breathless with laughter and excitement. He’s shining so brightly that for a second it’s easy to forget that he’s so ill. Minseok pushes the worry from his mind and tries to memorize every moment, so he can keep it forever.

They’re closer than they’ve ever been before. With every breath, their chests brush together and the air between them mingles. It’s hot and electric, heavy with anticipation. It can’t be more than a few seconds, but each heartbeat feels like a lifetime. Luhan’s gaze darts from Minseok’s eyes to his lips, tongue sinfully peaking out to wet his own mouth. Minseok has never wanted anything as badly as he wants to keep this forever.

The distance between them closes as easily as water parting. It’s so simple to lean forward and pull Luhan’s lips against his. The kiss is fast because the crowd is screaming uproariously, and everyone is watching, but it’s the best thing he’s ever felt. Luhan’s skin is sticky with sweat and soft beneath his hands, and he wants to drown in the groan he can feel fall from Luhan’s mouth. His own whimper of need is swallowed by the tumultuous arena.

They pull apart reluctantly, and the concert continues as it must.

Minseok has never felt regret so keenly in his life. Why hadn’t they tried that sooner?

****

“No! Absolutely not!” Joonmyun is finally angry enough to yell. It’s a lot better than his quiet rage though, so Minseok isn’t too worried. “How could he do this to us?!”

Everyone turns to stare at Minseok with accusation blazing in their eyes like they think he could have prevented this somehow. He shrugs and glares back. “This wasn’t healthy for him.”

Joonmyun begins pacing with his arms behind his back and a huge scowl on his face. “What are we going to do now? Who else is going to leave?” He looks directly toward Yixing and Zitao, and they both flinch.

“Don’t you dare take this out on them!” Jongdae shouts as he shoots to his feet and gets up in Joonmyun’s face. “This life is very difficult for all of us, and honestly, if any one of you says you haven’t thought about leaving at least once, then you’re a filthy liar. This is ing hell at least seventy percent of the time, and the only payoff any of us gets is the support of our fans.” Joonmyun opens his mouth, and Jongdae cuts him off with a poke to the chest. “No, listen to me! I love our fans, and I know that’s true for all of us, but it doesn’t make the sleepless nights and hungry days any easier. It doesn’t make all the emotional suddenly better. It’s really ing hard! And if Kris and Luhan have a chance at being happy and healthy, then why the hell should we hate them? They are our friends, our brothers, and we should have been there for them, but we weren’t. Not enough. All we can do now is be here for each other. We always say, ‘We are one,’ and it’s time we start acting like it.”

Jongdae’s breathing heavily, cheeks pink from anger and eyes burning brightly. Joonmyun looks shocked for about a minute, and then everyone gasps as he dives forward and kisses Jongdae breathless.

The other eight of them are silent as the surprise sets in.

Sehun breaks the quiet by groaning and telling them to get a room already. Zitao smiles faintly beside him, clapping and saying, ‘Yeah, get it, mom.’ Chanyeol starts laughing like a blow horn, and Baekhyun stuffs a hand over his large mouth to muffle the noise. The two glance at each other uncertainly until Chanyeol throws his long arms around Baekhyun and squeezes. Jongin has a tear sliding down his cheek—crying for the first time Minseok has ever seen. Kyungsoo shushes him gently and wipes the tear away. He whispers something in Jongin’s ear that brings a tiny smile to his face. Yixing is absolutely silent, but his dimple is brightening the room, so it can’t be that bad.

They’re all still sad about losing another member, and undoubtedly, there will be backlash and even stricter rules from the company, but Minseok isn’t worried. They’re closer now than they’ve ever been before. He has the bitter thought that all of this could have been avoided if they’d all talked sooner, before Kris left, but it’s too late to change the past. All they can do now is take care of each other, and hold on tight to what they have left.

****

“Hurry up! The show is starting!” Zitao yells from the couch where he’s draped around Sehun like a cat. Kyungsoo is on one side with Jongin leaning back against his legs on the floor. When Minseok comes out from the kitchen with the snacks, Yixing pushes Chanyeol out of the way so Minseok can sit on the couch. Chanyeol pretends to be upset, but he ruins it by smiling and then he sits on top of Baekhyun on the floor. Baekhyun squeals and tries to squirm away.

It’s a rare moment of peace that they’re enjoying during their new comeback promotions. Tomorrow will be a hectic day filled with screaming fans, interviews and cameras shoved in their faces. They're looking forward to performing their new songs, but this free day is a nice surprise that the company has allowed them.

“It’s on! Turn it up!” Jongdae shouts. Joonmyun cuffs him on the back of the head for yelling next to his ear. Jongdae winks at him, and Joonmyun rolls his eyes, but he’s blushing so nobody believes his phony exasperation.

Zitao turns the volume up and the program starts. Minseok’s heart clenches painfully as Luhan grins on the screen. Kris is beside him just as shy and awkwardly charming as ever. They both look refreshed and healthier as they are interviewed about their new drama.

Luhan’s cheeks are rosy and puffier. He’s clearly been eating and sleeping well, and it’s a good look on him. He’s smiling so hard that it makes Minseok’s cheeks ache in sympathy. The reporter tells a joke, and it makes Luhan throw his head back and laugh, transforming his face from handsome perfection into the adorable derp that’s always been so endearing. Kris smiles wide enough to show his gums, and his eyes are crinkled in the corners. He and Luhan bump shoulders and lean on each other throughout the interview.

Looking closely, Minseok can tell that they’re both scared. They’re sweating along their hair lines and their hands are clasped in white knuckled grips between their knees. Luhan can’t sit still, and Kris keeps awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.  They’re nervous, but they’re doing well. He misses Luhan like crazy, and he hasn’t seen either of them in person since they left, but Minseok is proud of them.

His phone buzzes multiple times in his pocket as the interview continues. Yixing pokes him until he reaches in his pants to retrieve his phone and stop the noise. Yixing nods gratefully and goes back to watching the television.

Minseok slides his thumb to unlock the screen and can’t help the dopey grin on his face when he checks his messages.

Luhan: Are you watching the interview?

Luhan: I’m handsome, right?

Luhan: Definitely handsome enough to kiss more than once?

Minseok’s not sure how, but he knows they’ll make it work. As he looks around at the members that are with him, and the ones on the screen that aren’t, he can’t help but think that everything will be okay. It’s all been worth it.

The End