Cry Hard Enough

It was a windless afternoon. The sun had set and darkness had overtaken the light. There were no birds singing. It seemed the flowers had stopped blooming. The rain fell hard and pounded down on the ground. The heavens was mourning, mirroring the anguish of everyone still present.

Most of the people had left. With the rain pouring harder, people had started walking away and back to their cars. No one had seen the need to stay anymore. It was done. He was gone. He was buried.

But not to those who remained.

Eunhyuk and Donghae held on to each other, supporting each other not to fall. Siwon closed his eyes in silent prayer. Yesung stared straight ahead, eyes blurred with tears, not looking at anything in particular. Kyuhyun gripped Kibum’s hand tightly, his nails breaking his skin. Shindong nestled a wailing Ryeowook. Kangin squeezed his eyes shut, willing the unending tears to stop falling. Hangeng, who flew back from China, sniffled, his hand covering his tear-stained face. Leeteuk, whose faced twitched from pent-up emotions, watched as Heechul, whose eyes were hard, stringently gripped the umbrella he was holding over her.

They all stood there helplessly and watched her cry.

She was bent over his grave, her black dress soaked from the rain and soiled from the mud. Her hair stuck to her face and neck. She was crying as many tears as the heavens were. The skies echoed her agony with its thunderous roar.

An excruciating cry broke from her lips.

She slowly and heartbreakingly crawled to his tombstone, not caring if her hands got muddy, not caring if she got sick from the rain. She didn’t care about anything anymore. None of those things mattered. Nothing was ever going to matter anymore. The sun was never going to shine brightly. Rain had forced and poured itself into her life. There was never going to be a rainbow.

“Oppa,” she screamed. “Oppa!” Her arm stretched to reach and touch his name. “Oppa!” She leaned herself beside the gravestone, her fingers tracing the contours of the script of his name. Lee Sung Min.

Heechul swallowed back his pain. He loved him like a real brother, but he couldn’t imagine what she was feeling, being someone who has been in his life forever. He closed his eyes as he was brought back to that moment.

Most of the members were in the dorm when Leeteuk had gotten a call from Kyuhyun. The magnae was hysterical. He was sobbing and couldn’t form his words properly. The leader tried calming him down, consoling him to talk slower and clearer. As soon as he understood what happened, he pulled Heechul and Shindong out from their rooms, telling them to get ready to leave, without giving an explanation. He strongly ordered Ryeowook, whom he saw first, to call Kangin and Kibum to tell them to come to the dorm. He then demanded Donghae to call Hangeng in China to tell him to call Leeteuk.

Arriving at the scene and seeing for himself what had happened was different from hearing about it. There was broken glass and shredded shrapnel everywhere. Three wheels of the car were looking up at the sky. One wheel had shot off somewhere. Dark red blood oozed out of the vehicle.

It was like Kyuhyun’s accident all over again. Except the magnae was sitting on the sidewalk, wrapped with a blanket, shaking and sobbing like a little child. He was rocking himself forwards and backwards. Heechul didn’t think twice and sat down beside him, bringing his dongsaeng’s head to his chest.

Sungmin was dead. There was nothing they could do.

Heechul’s eyes flew open as she let out another piercing shriek. He threw the umbrella on the ground and bent down, grabbing her arm.

“That’s enough,” he barked. He couldn’t take it anymore. Nothing was going to come out of crying. “Let’s go.” He harshly tugged at her arm. The other boys, who were caught up in their tears, looked up, feeling startled at the new emotion.

“Heechul-ah,” Leeteuk sternly interjected, trying to stop him. “Let her go.”

“I am not going to let her go,” Heechul snapped, glaring at his hyung. “We’ve been here long enough. It’s time to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she sobbed, untangling her arm from his tight grasp. “I’m staying here.”

Kyuhyun, his whole body wet from the rain, woke up from his trance and watched as the girl cried fresh tears. He slowly walked towards her and crouched down at her side. “It won’t do you any good to stay,” he gently advised. “You’re going to get sick.”

His breath hitched at the sight of her tear-streaked face as she looked up at him. “But he hasn’t heard me, Kyu. He hasn’t heard me yet,” she insisted. She looked back at his grave.

“He’s not going to hear you,” Heechul rashly declared.

“No,” she screamed. “No.” She shook her head forcefully. She looked up at Kyuhyun then at Heechul. “Sungmin oppa always hears me when I cry. He always comes running. Always.”

“He’s not going to come,” Kyuhyun whispered, not believing what he was saying.

She shook her head once more. “I’m going to stay here,” she told them with strength. “I want to stay here.” She closed her eyes, a stream of tears falling on her cheeks, and whispered, “Maybe if I cry hard enough, he would be here again.”

Turning to his gravestone, fresh sobs left her lips. “Oppa,” she screeched. “Do you hear me?”

The pain that Leeteuk so forcefully kept since the start of the service burst out. He was tired of being strong. He fell on his knees and wept, his hands the mud. Heechul looked up at the skies. He rarely cried, but this was too much for him.

Kyuhyun reached out to her and brought her to his arms. He wanted nothing more than for what she said to be true. He wanted to see his cute smiles again, to hear his sugary laughter, to hold and hug him. He wanted his hyung to hear her cries and come running back.

But such was fate.

It didn’t matter how many tears they shed. He was never going to hear them.

He was never coming back.