Between the searching and the need to work it out
I stop believing everything will be alright
Broken
We are broken
I'm walking uphill being turned around and round
Secret in motion when my feet are on the ground
Broken
We are broken
_{In my mind's eye}
One little boy anger one little man
Funny how time flies

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Wait Eunji! I will go with you." Baekhyun's voice scared and stopped me there by the door of his granny's house. I was in a hurry, so I just bid my goodbye to them as quickly as I could and left without allowing them to speak a word to stop me. But here, before I could leave, he came.

I was satisfied that he, at least, didn't follow me to convince me to go back. Before I could utter a word, he quickly informed me with great enthusiasm, "I wasn't able to tell you that I almost reached to the other mobile. I just need some more time to achieve something that may help us."

With tearful eyes that could speak to him secretly, I whispered my grateful words to him, ''You don't know how much I am thankful to you and Sohyun-ahh, don't you?" He showed me the most beautiful eye smile ever, and then shook his head right and left like a sweet little puppy.

I also gave my widest smile; and it seemingly paid a little pressure on my eyes and caused my tears to drop down. He was really startled as he rarely saw me crying, so he acted as if he didn't see me so that he won't feel awkward. And he thought that I would feel awkward, too, but I actually didn't. I just started to notice the changes that happened to me, but I didn't hate them that much. That's because my heart was already full of the things I hate, so I just needed things to love.

He held my arm tight and impelled me to walk along with him. As we kept strolling in my way home, I asked him slowly, "If we reach to the other mobile's owner, what will we do next?"

He heaved a sigh and wisely stated, "We will go to him and ask him about everything related to you. And if he didn't reveal anything, then we will chase him everywhere and search here and there till we find out all what you want to know about."

All what I know about is...who I am! That's not much, or is it?

"But...what if...what if that was harmful to me? I mean...what if what I want to know is a hell to me and not a heaven? That won't leave me happier than I am right now, right?" I hesitantly asked, and I could feel the loads I left on his heart, that is he must give me the right answer. And I was sure he didn't have it, because I myself didn't.

"Then...prepare yourself since this moment, Ji. Think of the worst thing that you may know about yourself, so that you won't get hurt that much then. What is the worst thing you may think of?" He got the answer.

I didn't need to think hard, because I got what he wanted to know in my mind since days. Yeah I thought of the worst thing; that idea chased me everywhere that I couldn't sleep for days. That was, of course, the worst.

"If oppa's wound of the past is that he did something bad to my real parents," I uttered it right away that he maybe thought it was so easy for me, but it was cutting me and burning my hurt heart, "then that would be the worst!" I completed my word and allowed my silent tears to drop down again.

He got totally hushed up, and we continued walking without speaking at all. I was really thankful that he left me express myself with those words and cry alone as I just wanted.

As the breeze started to tickle me everywhere on my face, my tears started to get dry and my heart began to get more encouraged to fight anything just for myself. I heaved a relief sigh and stated to Baekhyun, "Now, I promise you and myself, that I won't draw back, I won't get scared and I won't die sad if the worst came."

He smiled a bit and tapped my forehead stating, "Yeah, you have to stay true to your word, girl. I am watching for you, so be careful!"

I paid back his sweet smile and teasing words with a poke I directed to his shoulder that made him whine for some time. As we were playing around and laughing, we heard a weird ringtone that stopped us and made us look around like insane kids.

I quickly picked up my mobile and the weird mobile, but none of them was the source of that tone. Meanwhile, Baekhyun has picked up a small device that looks like a normal mobile from his pocket. His eyes were tightly attached to its display as if he saw something really shocking, and yeah, it was!

"Eunji, the other mobile's signal appears to be in your house. The two signals, your oppa's mobile's and the other's, are there. We have to hurry up to catch him. Let's run."

Although I was totally shocked, I just got the information that impelled me to run as fast as I can, and I did. We were not so far from my house, but I felt as if it was 1000 miles far away. As we reached there, Baekhyun stated that it disappeared. I clung to my hope and opened the door quietly.

Nothing was there; I heard nothing except for silence, and I could see nothing except for darkness. Then, all of a sudden, a high sound caused by breaking an object spread on the air and threw a great feeling of fear through my whole trembling body.

I released the most frightened cry ever and sat down on the floor shaking like a little wet chick. I only felt as if I got back to life when oppa's arms surrounded me tightly as he whispered gently, "You are all right, sweet Ji, and oppa is here."

I actually needed one whole hour to relax and get relieved. Baekhyun was invited by oppa to get in, and he preferred to stay with me till I get better. After some time, I told him that I was okay, and he had to go back to his granny's house or she will get worried. And I asked him not to tell Sohyun about what happened to me.

He excused and intended to leave, so I told oppa that I will show him out. As we stood up by the exit door, Baekhyun quickly stated with a low-pitch tone, "When you got in the house, the signal appeared again. Just for a second it appeared to show me that it went far away; then it disappeared again. I bet my life that he allowed me to reach to his mobile just for moments then he stopped it. He controlled that; I am sure he did." He noticed my thinking face, so he quickly completed providing his interpretation.

"He maybe wanted to convey you another message; that man...knows your oppa very well. Now we are totally sure that he is the weird mobile's owner. And he is the hyung that your oppa meant to send messages to. Now, he is not worried if you know about it. No! He wanted you to know it."

"Yeah! You are right Baekhyun; I think so, too. Anyway...let's leave it here; I am feeling really tired right now." Then he bid his goodbye after telling me to take care of myself.

"Why did you come early? You said that you will stay at Baekhyun's granny's house today, didn't you?" He stated to me just as I stepped into the house. I got really irritated, and as I was tired, too, I just wanted to ignore him and go to my room to get some rest.

"Cannot I sleep in my...I mean...YOUR house?" It seemed like I deep inside wanted to blame him and show him my anger. Yeah! I just didn't want to go into my room to stay awake all night crying and thinking to reach to nothing but more puzzles in the end. I didn't want to stay away of him and to form a ''big ball of dark hate'' to him.

"It looks like you just came to start a fight, nothing more. Yeah! You are not worried about your oppa anymore, right? You have changed a lot those two days, haven't you? What are you...-?"

"Do you even still care about me? Do you even know that I am spending my nights crying? Do you even love me? If I started to change...why don't you damn stop me? Why don't you hug me when I am sad anymore? Why don't you feel jealous of Kim seungsaeng-nim anymore? Why don't you try to make it up with me when I am angry? Why don't you...love me anymore?" I just cut his annoying speech to shout out those words from the deepest point of my heart.

He was totally shocked, but he could do nothing. Yeah! I know that he could feel my sadness, but I don't know why didn't he took me to his embrace and started to utter some relieving words to cheer me up. He just heaved a deep sigh and entered his room silently, instead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To you who is crying

To you who went through an ordeal

This is the song for which I sing with my heart

When you feel you are alone, when the tears flow suddenly

When you feel there is nobody beside you

Remember you are not alone

Though the world hurts you

Now don't cry although you feel lonely and sad

I'll hug you without saying anything

I'll listen to your story

I was listening to that song and crying silently in my room. I felt lonely, sad and hurt, and I wanted a hug to comfort me. But in the same time, I liked to be alone.

Oppa was in the restaurant doing his job. Although he usually doesn't work in the Saturdays, he informed me that he has an extra work, and I didn't care anyway. I just liked the fact that I'd be alone thinking of my miserable life.

After that round of crying, I got up to have something to eat. I found that oppa left me a breakfast meal for today as I didn't catch it with him because I waked up lately. I carried the dishes he made for me and went out of the kitchen transferring them to my room.

That moment, my old-bright-self thought of something childish and naughty to do. I actually thought that it would be nice if I ate in my room and left the leftovers without cleaning; oppa will certainly get mad. Then I just sighed and reminded myself that it's not the right time to play, especially that his mood is really bad in the recent days.

I just realized it...it was the same mood he was in a month before. That same indifferent side of him is appearing those days. It may mean that he went through the same conditions, may not it? Yesterday, he met that man, who is his hyung as we analyzed, and he then had that spoiled mood that even made him break a glass pot and made me freak out yesterday. Therefore, he must have met him that day, too.

Yeah! That's so right. Oppa even justified his mood by stating that he had a fight with a friend. Then...in that time he sent his messages to the weird mobile supposing that he was sending them to his hyung. His messages contained apologies and something about a woman he loved.

Aside from all the messages, the words that blew in my mind that exact moment were the ones he uttered by his own mouth," I just wanted to have her and love her to the rest of my life, but why is it so hard for me?" and "The woman I caused pain to is coming, and the girl I am in love with is being hurt because of me...what to do?"

I am sure that those words are important to me as they hold many questions starting with...who is the girl he is in deep love with? And...who is the woman he caused pain to?

They must be two different persons; he actually caused pain to both of them. And I am the third...yeah! I must put my name in the list because this oppa still causing me a lot of pain. But the identity of those two women must be the most important things to search about here. And, in a way or another, I deeply believe that their matter is related to mine. Therefore, I will try to find out about this, too.

As I was walking towards my room, I was totally steeped in my thoughts that I didn't notice myself heading towards the small side-table that oppa was putting some antiques and pictures as decorations. And I finally bumped into it, and that caused some of the decorations to fall on the floor; I was actually lucky that none of them got broken except for one. It was a picture frame.

I looked to it worryingly, and then I tried to find a way to fix it. Just that moment, I noticed a hand-written message on the back of the picture, which contained oppa in a school uniform smiling happily. I held with trembling fingers and read it, "You are the most handsome and smiling dongsaeng ever, so stay like this forever. Your hyung who loves you very much."

They were not the words that shocked me but the hand writing. It was so familiar to me; it was so unique and I was sure that I saw it before. I just sat there to deeply think of it; I squeezed my mind so hard that I finally found out.

I quickly headed to my wardrobe and tightly gripped the small sheet of paper I got from the weird man before some days and the other sheet I got from the orphanage. That one which the manager said I was holding when I first came to it. And they all were written by the same person; they all got the same hand writing.

I got totally bewildered by that...it meant one thing. Since the beginning...that hyung who was helping me all the time is involved in putting me in the orphanage. So he maybe was another one involved in making my life miserable.

"You should never blame yourself on what I have done; it is entirely my fault." Those words of oppa's call through the weird mobile crossed my mind that moment, and it made me try my best to analyze it.

Oppa meant to say those words to his hyung. That hyung is supposed to be the one who gave me the weird mobile, who helped me well till now, who sent me some encouraging messages, who met oppa two times before and made him upset, and who wrote the "I won't be able to raise her up" statement that was found with me since I came to the orphanage.

Oppa must have liked him very much, but there must be something that makes them fight over every time they meet. It's something that oppa did, but his hyung has helped in. That hyung is, of course, regretting that bad thing he did to me, so that may be why he is trying to help me. He is actually helping me in knowing who I am because he feels regretful and he cannot do anything but this.

A severe headache struck me that I wanted to hit my head repeatedly till it heals. I just started to understand things really well, but still they are so complicated. Therefore, I needed a good plan or a "to-do" list; that would certainly help me to reach to what I want better.

I decided to mend the rift and tidy up the mess I have caused. I went to oppa's room to search for a glue to fix the picture frame I broke. I didn't find it in the wardrobe as I thought it would be, so I searched in the drawers and didn't found it, too.

 As I put my hand deep inside one of the drawers, I could feel a number of pillboxes hidden there. That amazed me, so I caught one of them and took it out to check it. I read its name, but I didn't know to what for it is, and I got really curious. Is this the medicine that oppa take for his indisposition?

I returned everything to its place as I heard a ding-dong on the door. I ran quickly to see who is on it, and, to my surprise, it was dr.Lee, our neighbor. I smiled widely and bid my greetings, and so did he. Then he worriedly asked, "Are you okay? I was passing when I heard a cracking voice coming from your house."

I was glad that he was so considerate person, so I assured him that I am really fine, and I explained to him what happened. Therefore, he smiled and turned to go, but I stopped him by saying gratefully, "Thanks dr.Lee for taking care of my oppa as he is suffering from indisposition these days; I was really worried about oppa."

I thought that he would stop to show me his warm smile stating that it's his job and go, but he stopped to show me his clueless  face stating, "What indisposition? I haven't seen Seungho-ssi since weeks. Is he sick?"

Now...what is that again? Really? That oppa cannot stop lying. I knew that he lied to me that time; I knew it.

I explained him the matter and what happened to oppa that time, and after asking some questions, he stated, "Don't worry, it must be a disorder in his digestive organs; he must have gone to the doctor to take the appropriate medicine."

That reminded me of something, the pillboxes, I have just found on one of the drawers in oppa's room, so I invited the doctor in. Then I quickly brought one of those pillboxes and showed it to the doctor saying, "He is taking this medicine; do you think it is a good one?"

His facial expressions completely changed as he took the first look at the pills, and then he slowly and cautiously asked, "Does he take this regularly? It's not really good if he does; those pills may cause him addiction to them. And they may even cause something more dangerous, a coma. Did the doctor ordained them to him? Or he is taking them by himself?"

I started to shake hearing those worrying words by dr.Lee; millions of questions flew in my mind. Therefore, I answered his question by a question, "Why? What is it for?"

"Those are hypnotics; they are ordained for those who suffer from insomnia. But he has to deal with them with much care. I hope he does." He stated seriously with a real worried facial expressions, so I answered quickly, "Yes, yes, doctor, he sure does; don't worry."

After he left, I sat in my room crying quietly. I could analyze that this oppa was feeling really bad; he cannot sleep well. Whether it was because of his pain of the past or the bad mysterious thing he probably did for me, I only know that this oppa is in deep pain these days.

Yeah, that was the thing I cried for; that was what weakened my soul and body, and that was what broke my heart. The oppa who is my everything was in a miserable state. The one who took me in, took care of me, protected me, sacrificed for me and loved me as his life was feeling really bad while I was causing him more pain. As a reward, I gave him more reasons to feel more suffering.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the next day, I waked up early to go search for oppa. Yesterday, I actually slept before he came to the house as I felt really tired. At the midnight, I waked up to find that he arrived home, and when I approached his room all what I heard was him sobbing. I felt really sorry and sad that I couldn't go to him to cheer him up. But why? Why I couldn't? I always could...but why I just stood to hear him crying that moment without being able to help him? I don't know.

I quickly went to his room, but I didn't find him there. Then I heard sounds in the kitchen, so I headed to it sneaking. And all of a sudden, I back-hugged him so tightly that he got really shocked and startled. With a sad smile, I stated, "I won't leave you as I really miss you oppa, so you have to complete your work as I am clinging to you this way. And I want a delicious food, not anything, alright?"

I could hear him chuckle, and he then did what I asked him to do. Nobody in this whole world may ever know the amount of weird happiness that spread in my naive heart. Yeah, it was weird because I didn't feel it since so long. And in that certain moment, I decided...I will try to solve this enigma so quickly so that I will go back to oppa. Yeah...in that moment, I felt that oppa's love for me was running inside my body till it reached my mind, and it convinced me that oppa...would have never done something bad for me.

When we sat at the table to eat our breakfast, I just deeply gazed at him while he was slowly eating and weirdly avoiding my eyes. Then he took a quick look at me saying, "Don't stare at me and eat you food quickly, Ji."

I smiled and emotionally said with full mouth and heart,"Oppa~ I miss you!"

Yeah, I REALLY missed him. I felt as if I haven't seen him since ages, so that's why I just wanted to gaze at him as long as I could. And I wanted to know him...I hoped that he would reveal his real thoughts and express his real feelings for me. In that moment...I hoped to hear that damn word from him. I hoped to hear him saying that he really LOVES me as he has always done. I hoped so!

But I got this...

He got up and approached me. Then he placed my small face between his big hands, and let my cheeks be gently touched by his warm palms softly gazing at my eyes and stating, "Jung Eunji, you have to believe in one thing...and only one thing. That is, no matter what may happen, oppa...will always and forever LOVE you. Oppa will always love you as a man, and he will wait you to love him as a sweet young lady. Okay?" With a sweet thin smile, he just left to his work.

'OPPA WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AS A MAN'? What was that supposed to mean? It didn't matter what it meant as the state it left me with did. I totally got butterflies in my stomach, and my heart skipped a beat. It left me in a weird state of confusion and bewilderedness. In his eyes and words I was trapped, and I didn't know how to get out of it.

I wasn't in a good state by myself in the house, so I was glad when Sohyun called me saying that she and Baekhyun wanted to meet me in the Central Park. I quickly went to see them.

There we sat for a while asking about each other's state before Sohyun talked seriously, "I found something so important. I actually found you all searching for information about that accident which happened 11 years ago, but I wanted to look for another thing that I, from the beginning, doubted of, Kim seungsaeng-nim. It started as an accident; I have seen him at the police station as I was called there with my parents as the house next door was robbed at night and we were the ones who called the police. I've felt curious to hear what was the officer asking him about, and I heard them talking about a man who was killed by an explosion."

That was somehow but not totally new to me. I knew that Kim seungsaeng-nim was in the police station some days ago, and I didn't tell my friends about it. I didn't know that the matter was about a man killed by an explosion.

A MAN KILLED BY AN EXPLOSION? That's not unusual to me; I know that there was a man killed by an explosion a month- or more- ago. Could it be the same one?

"The officer asked him about his relationship with the victim, and he said that he dealt with him before years...before almost ten years. And he said that they stopped contacting each other since that time. The officer then asked him about a man named "Yo Jisub", and he replied that he is his friend, his close friend. The officer informed him that the police recently found a letter hidden inside the victim's house, and he mentioned their names on it as the people whom he felt sorry for and angry with. Kim seungsaeng-nim eyes went tearful and he said that ,just like the last time, he had nothing to say."

Baekhyun stated disappointedly, "Stop it. It's getting so dramatic and unbelievable now. I started to get lost in this issue. I don't think that this is right; I mean what does all this have to do with Kim seungsaeng-nim. He might...-"

"Do you think I am lying? I am telling you what was happening. Why don't you believe me? I know it's unbelievable, but it is what really happened." Sohyun upsettingly cut his words.

"All what we are doing is linking people together, but we still don't know what was the mistake they've all done. That must be the peak of this drama." I calmly stated while I was gazing into the distance.

"I knew something new about that, too, but it still not completed." Baekhyun said.

"Let me complete to the main and most important point. Kim seungaeng-nim didn't see me, of course, and we finished and went out. While we were going out of the station, I bumped into someone, and guess what...that man looked really very much like Seungho oppa. I got goosebumps as how he resembled him. He got the same sleepy eyes and thick lipsb but his face shape was different; it had the rectangular shape while Seungho oppa's is taking the circle shape."

We looked so amazed that she felt we didn't believe it so she skipped this and went to the other point.

 "Anyway, when I got home, I searched for the victim's name and information, and I found that he was working in the port. My dad worked there for a period of time, so I asked him about that, and he said that he was his senior in the work. He said that he was so respectful person and everyone loved him. That made me deeply think about it...why would a man who is as great as him commit suicide by exploding himself? But I reach to nothing rather than that depression of a mistake he made in a past; that's the only thing that will let him do what he did." Sohyun explained with details.

"So you are saying that he is linked to the accident which happened 11 years before?" Baekhyun asked.

"I don't say this, but...-"

"Yes, I think he does!" With a wide smile Baekhyun stated.

Then he told us what he found out. He said that he made some research, and he found out that 11 years before, the neighbor country was suffering of a severe civil war that caused an exodus. Thousands of people illegally migrated to our country. They reached to here by ships which were not working very well, so most of them sank in the water and hundreds of people died. That caught the public eye and the media in that time. And our country stopped this after it actually allowed it; they stopped it as they saw how many people were killed.

Sohyun asked him curiously, "Why didn't you ask your granny for more details?"

"I did, but she only had a tale of a missing child who never come back home. That's all what she talks about; she is getting old." He ironically answered.

"Can't you be a missing child, Eunji?" Sohyun has caused me a severe shock by this question which she nonchalantly threw to me.

A missing child? What would that even mean?

"Isn't the missing child always get killed?" I seriously and calmly asked, and that made my friends get confused.

"Don't seriously think about it; I was just stupidly saying that. Sorry." Sohyun said patting my shoulders.

We got silent for a moment; and I couldn't keep hiding what I discovered about that hyung of oppa from my friends, so I revealed it all. Therefore, they was really glad to know that we are reaching to something. I also told them about my interpretation, and they totally agreed with me.

Before we went home, Baekhyun suggested us to have a plan. He said that we have to give a task for every one of us. Then Sohyun interrupted him saying that she want to go on her plan, which is to follow Kim seungsaeng-nim, know more about that person who resembles oppa and collect information about that name "Yoo Jisub".

Baekhyun approved that stating that he will pay more effort in collecting information about that accident of the past. He said that we found out what was the important event that happened 11 years before, but we still didn't find anything related to my issue except for that victim who worked there in the port where the migrants get into the country through.

Therefore, I didn't find anything to do. They actually took everything, so I decided to work with Sohyun as she got a lot of work to do. And she was really glad that I will collaborate with her, and so was I.

Baekhyun left first, then Sohyun and I walked together to my house as I invited her because I didn't want to stay alone again for the whole day. While we were strolling towards my house, we kept talking about this and that.

"I just remembered something. When we went to the orphanage and the manager brought your things, that piece of paper which was creased as a chew caught my eyes. And I just got this crazy idea...if that jacket you were when you was young wasn't washed by them, so why it looked so? Did the manager lied? Or there is another thing related to it? I mean...-"

"You mean that I with my family was there at one of those ships which sank, and I was rescued while they died. Is that what you mean?" I fearfully stated.

"I don't know...this is nuts. So don't mind my stupidity these days; I was just stating crazy ideas without any proof." She ended her speech with a light laugh. Then she clung to my arm and walked silently.

But her words didn't leave my mind, and that idea looked more reasonable the more I thought about it. I didn't know why I believed that it is not all wrong; there must be something so true on it, but what part was the most reasonable? That I was at one of those ships? Or that my parents died on one of those ships?

I just believed that it is not true as a whole...but it's not wrong as a whole, too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's my tenth chapter, and I am glad that it's the longest.

The story is getting to an end, so please stay tuned guys, and I hope I won't disappoint you.

Enjoy reading

Thanks^^