Regards, Your Sehun

(Sehun’s POV from part of 140506’s Epilogue)

Sehun shuddered at the cold gush of wind that entered the house through the window, closing them quickly as he wrapped himself with the thickest quilt he could find in the drawer. It was finally his day off – being a lawyer was a tiring job and finally, finally, he has the whole of today to himself. His teeth chattered under the cold of the winter wind, draped in his old quilt that he’d refused to get rid of despite the memories that it brought. He had spent his morning lounging on the couch, a cup of coffee in one hand and a bread toast in another. Tao had to go to the office, and their other housemate, Taemin, was probably still asleep in his room; Sehun couldn’t be bothered to wake him up.

Taemin hadn’t been a complete stranger – they’d become friends halfway through elementary school until Taemin had to move out of town. Apparently, the older boy has exactly the same interest as Sehun in law studies, and they met again when Sehun was recruited. He didn’t think three lawyer-in-the-making staying under one roof was a good idea, but he was actually comfortable with both Tao and Taemin. He was only fortunate that Tao hadn’t made him pay rents. That would .

There was one thing that Sehun disliked about off days and that is the fact that he would be alone most of the time with basically nothing to do. With nothing to do, Sehun’s thoughts travelled back to painful past and unforgettable memories. He remembered Baekhyun, and maybe that’s why he found himself on his study table, writing a letter to the boy he had so long missed.

Dear Baekhyun,

I know you probably never expected to hear from me and before I forget, I’d like to wish you an early Merry Christmas. The last time we celebrated it together felt like forever ago. Oh, and I also hope you’re happy. I think that’s enough to make me happy as well.

I remember not too long ago that I promised to make your dreams come true. There’s a cheque somewhere in the envelope and I know it isn’t much but I hope it would help you start. If you ask, I’m doing quite well myself. I’ve handled a few cases and even though it’s stressful, I quite enjoyed it. I hope to see your shop in one of the malls in the future. I hope I helped.

And Baek, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your wedding. I know how big it must have been for you. Tao said you were happy, and I really hope you still are. Thank you for inviting me, though.

Lastly, I’m also sorry I wasn’t good enough for you to hold on to. I had big plans for us but I guessed I must have slipped somewhere. You don’t know how many times I wished I was the one who was there for you when you needed someone. I wished I had been there for you and I’m sorry I wasn’t. I’m sorry for a lot of things that couldn’t possibly be written on this paper alone.

Sorry again this letter had gone a little too long. All the best.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I've been thinking about you lately. I hope the cheque I sent reached you and that you are starting up the perfumery soon. I know I shouldn't be writing you this but... I can't help it. I know that you belong to someone else now and that I shouldn't be telling you any of this but I feel the need to.

I've missed you. Last night I couldn't sleep because I saw something that reminded me of you. It's been so long since I last saw you and I've been wondering if you look any different today. I hope you're healthy and most importantly, happy. I hope Chanyeol makes you happy. But I guess he does; I guess that's why you chose him over me.

I hope you know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't try hard enough to keep you with me. I missed you very much and I wish I could see you right now.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

Last night I received the most devastating news I ever had. And after so long, I cried for something that isn't about you. They say it's pancreas cancer and that I won't last very long.

It felt much like self-pity; these tears that I shed drying onto this very paper. I try to tell myself that death is normal; everyone will die eventually. But why am I so afraid to go? Maybe it's because I am not sure if I'd be able to hold you again before my time comes. Maybe I'm afraid of that most.

My doctor kept saying I need treatment, and I think I would go. I'd have to, anyway; Tao isn't letting me go off if I refuse. I do feel that it's pointless; I could donate the money to charity instead, but Tao said he needed me and he's crying and you know how much I care for him. I couldn't say no.

I only have a few years. I don't know if I'd be lucky enough to stumble upon you within these years. I hope so, though. I hope I get to see you before I go.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

Some things are not painful when you have something to hold on to. When I close my eyes, I pictured you holding my hand and imagined listening to your voice. I missed you.

Treatment is painful. It's internal and I would never wish for anyone to ever experience such pain but I guess there are thousands others. It is less painfula, however, when I think about you. It seemed, even after so long, you still are the reason for me to go on and fight, this time for my life. It hurts though, Baek. It really hurts.

But if I survived my heartbreak, I think I'll survive this.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I've written a couple of undelivered letters for you, actually. I was just kind of afraid that none of what I wrote would matter to you. Would my life matter? Do I matter? I am not sure if I do; I guessed I haven't been for a long time. You still matter to me, though.

You'll always matter to me.

I hope you're doing well. I haven't heard from you for a long time. The other day Tao said he saw you at the herbal store. He said you looked happy. It's made me happy too. I hope you and Chanyeol are doing great.

I'm doing okay myself. The treatment is going okay. They said I might have hope after all. But the more days I spent preparing to go, the more ready I am. I guess I'm not as afraid as I was before.

Will you come to see me if it was my last wish? I hope you would. Seeing you would be thw only thing I'd want. I've missed you very much.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun, 

They do weird things to me in the hospital; things that don't work but cost so much. I honestly think it should stop. It isn't helping. I am going to die anyway.

There are still so many things I want to do before I go. I want to see the world and help people from going to jail, justify what has been unjust. I want to see you and perhaps kiss you, but I can't ro that. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I wasn't intending to. I have just missed you is all.

I think I am ready to go, even though I have yet to do those that I want to. I've been happy and I've been broken, and I think I don't want to go through them again. I think I've had enough taste of life. I think when my time comes, I can let go.

Tao will tell you, even if it wouldn't matter. I'll be happier to know if you'd come to leave me flowers. You've been the only one who could make me happy anyway.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I've stopped going for my treatment. They've confirmed that it won't help. Tao is ready too, he said. He's crying again, though, and he hugged me so tight and I think I cried too. I would miss him very much.

I'm tempted to give you a call and perhaps say goodbye, but you must have changed your number because Tao tried and he couldn't reach you. It's okay, though. He said he would find you to tell you personally.

It's scary to know that you won't have much time anymore; even if death itself isn't terrifying. I've thought about you most, it's helped me smile a little easier.

I want to thank you. For everything that you've given me. Thank you so much.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

It's a miracle, Baek. It truly is.

They say I might have a longer time and I'd actually like to think that you're somewhere, watching the moon and the stars just like I am and praying for my health. If you did, thank you.

I love you so much, Baek. And I missed you more.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

You looked beautiful tonight. Your eyes lose the shune and your smile lost the sparkle, but you look beautiful still. Beauty can never leave someone no matter how broken he could be. I want to fix you,  I really do.

You asked me the hardest question I ever had to answer. Of course I will love you again. I've never stopped loving you and I forever will. You mean so much to me.

But... It's hard because I don't know how long I have. If I take yiy back into my arms, only to leave you soon after, I would hurt you again. And I don't want that. I want you to be happy.

Will you forgive me if one day you wake up only to find that I didn't?

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

The words are at the tip of my tongue. I was so close to spilling it all out to you about what's happening to me, but I can't bring myself to do just that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

I want to tell you, but I don't want to spend my remaining days with you worrying, scared and crying. I want to spend time with you, whatever time that I have left.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I'm scared. The pain is coming again, Baek. I fear my time would come too soon. I'm writing you these because I'm scared I might not get to tell you myself. I'm sorry for not telling you.

I'm really sorry.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

It's a beautiful kind of joy to see you smile because of me; another kind of joy to watch you laugh and say yes; yes to going home with me, yes to staying with me, yes to me. It's a whole new kind of happiness to have you in my arms at night and when I wake up.

It's this kind of joy that makes it harder to let go. It makes me so scared, so unprepared. What if I don't wake up? And I don't get to hold you again, and kiss you and tell you that I love you? What if I can't make you happy anymore?

What if my time comes too soon?

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I've almost forgotten how good it feels to see pure happiness in the tears that you shed as you held onto me and bury your face in my chest. Holding you feels like home. Home, I've learnt, is wherever you are. I don't know if I've thanked you enough.

If you had seen the look on your face the moment 'Byeon-ui Iyagi' opened, you would see yourself how I see you. If only you could see yourself in my eyes... Such beauty and sometimes I think I don't deserve you. But can I let you go? For the reason thay I think you deserve someone better? I'm not too sure.

I am selfish, in a way.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I was staring at our engagement rings this morning. I pictured you wearing it again and for a second, I thought about asking you to marry me. The fear now isn't about if you would say no, but knowing that it would only be unfair, because I can't marry you, only to leave you later. I wouldn't do that to you.

I know that you've known the bliss of marriage, that you've experienced it, although it was with someone that isn't me. I do wish I get to experience it with you. It seemed, though, that it won't be happening. I'm sorry... I know I should give us a try but I'm scared. I don't want to hurt you.

I never wish to hurt you.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I saw children and I saw couples holding hands out in the open. They wear smiles on their faces and they looked happy. I wondered if you want children, and I'm sorry if being with me can't give you any.

I dreamt of a day that I sit on a rocking chair, with you next to me and our hands entwined. Maybe we would have adopted a child, and he or she would either take over your business or be the next lawyer, whatever he or she wants to be.

I saw myself growing old with you, and it saddens me to know that could never be.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

There were no words to describe the weight that rest on my chest when I saw the way you looked at Chanyeol. I know he came with pure intention but I can't help but be afraid that he might take you away again. I can't have that. I can't lose you.

I believe you when you say that you only love me, but while I forgave you for everything that happened, I can't ever forget the pain that was in my company for the years that followed.

I can't forget that you loved Chanyeol, and that you might still love him.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

My heart is heavier now that you've noticed that something was happening to me. I hadn't meant for you to witness any that you have seen. I haven't been coughing for awhile. It came at the wrong time.

I'm sorry I didn't come clean to you. You were so close to prying it out of me, and I was so close to telling you. But I couldn't bring myself to. I'm not ready, Baek.

I feel like I won't ever be ready.

Regards, Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I feel the end coming. It's like falling from the tallest building, slow and scary and not knowing what happens after you hit the ground. I'm falling, and you're the one on the highest peak reaching out for me, thinking you could help, thinking you could keep me, thinking you could break my fall.

I hope you forgive me because I made you believe that you had a strong grip on me. When in truth, you're only holding onto the false hope that I kept giving you.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

Thank you for making time for me. I was beginning to think that you found out about me leaving soon. Did you know? Or was it just an instinct? Whatever it is, I cherish every moment of the week you had taken off from the shop for me.

Please don't think that I have tired of speaking with you. I have just lost the need to speak, for I feel that words are not enough. Somehow, I feel that I am now assured that you know just how much I love you. I love you very much, and I think you know.

I want to hold you for a long time; I want to kiss you and I want to grow old with you but if that is not meant to be, there is nothing I could do. I will miss you and I'm sorry if missing me would hurt you. I'm sorry that I'm leaving you too soon.

I love you. I love you so much.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

Dear Baekhyun,

I'm sorry, for making a promise that I can't keep. I really, reallu wanted to, though. I want to grow old with you and do all those things we talked about. I want to hold you when we're fifty and stare up at the stars. I want to ask you what you would think when we turn seventy. But I doubt that I'd be abke to hold you again after tonight.

I'm really sorry. I don't... I never wished to leave you like this. But in loving you too much, I couldn't bring myself to be truthful. I didn't want to spend my remaining days going through a pointless therapy. I would rather spend them witj you. I love you so much, Baek, and I will miss you very much. I want to hold you forever but forever does not exist, at least not for me. I'm so sorry that I made you believe that I would always be here. I'm sorry for making you believe that I would never leave.

If there is a way for me to hold you again, I would find it. I would do anything for you to be in my arms. It seemed, though, I wasn't strong enough to fight for us and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you believe that we could be forever. The night you asked if I would ever love you again was the hardest night I had ever experienced, knowing that I'd never stopped but also aware tgat I can't take you back. But I couldn't lie and tell you that I don't love you, because I do. I had always loved you even in the years we were apart. I thought about you most during my treatment. The treatment was a waste of time and then I had you again. At that moment, nothing else seemed to matter.

You were all that matter.

I'm sorry because if I had been selfless enough, I would have let you go home that night. I'm sorry because I was selfish;  I didn't think about how you would feel when my time comes. I didn't know that I had a few more years to last. It was harder to let go.

Baekhyun, I love you. Please always remember that. I feel like I haven't said it enough and I'm afraid that I won't be able to anymore when you wake up. I love you very much. I had never stopped loving you, even after what happened. And please remember that I had forgiven you a long time ago. You've made me the happiest I've ever been, so thank you.

I will miss you very much and if I could hold you again, I would. Maybe I would get to later, when we meet again.

I love you. Forever and always.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

"Sehun, do you think you will ever love me again?"

And it didn't matter, at the moment, that he could die tomorrow or even in an hour. Baekhyun looked like an angel on earth; his teary gaze bringing shame to the stars that twinkled above them. He had wished for so many nights to be able to hold Baekhyun again in his arms, kiss those soft pink lips like there is no tomorrow. And it may be selfish for Sehun to take him back, to make Baekhyun believe in another chance at forever, but Sehun couldn’t let it go. He couldn't let Baekhyun go again. So he smiled and he gazed at Baekhyun the way he used to, refusing to ever forget the beauty that was staring back at him.

He's mostly sorry, and he's washed with guilt for giving Baekhyun hope; hope for only a temporary bliss. He wants to cry, wishing for more time with Baekhyun but he'd never know when his time would come. He says sorry in his heart, but his words spoke of the truth that he had kept close even after all that's happened.

"I never stopped."

Would you forgive me if one day you wake up to find that I didn't?