Luhan knows the feeling of dying.

He has experienced it. Twice. But the first time didn’t seem to be as painful as the second time around.

The first time he almost died, it was during his 83rd soul. He’ll always remember the number, what he wore that day, what the skies looked and what the weather felt like. What he did. It’s like something engraved into his head that he can never forget.

They were walking along a path in the woods and it was almost nighttime. The sun had started to set and he and Yixing were walking side by side, talking about the last soul they’d taken. It was silent and peaceful. They were on their way to the next city having heard that rotten souls lived there the most at that time of the year. It would be easier to hunt them down, Luhan had said. Yixing had told him to take it easy. Eighty two souls in just two months was a great accomplishment for the both of them. They should take their time. But Luhan didn’t want to take it easy. They were almost there.

Ninety-nine souls and a witch. Luhan never understood the history behind such numbers and order. But he hadn’t question it either. He never paid any attention during his history classes back at the academy. He never really cared. All he cared about was getting those souls. Getting that witch. And he can finally see through his purpose. To become a scythe. To fight alongside Death. Make his meister proud.

“What if I told you we should go on a vacation?” Yixing had asked him - . Yixing always liked to about being so impatient. Luhan was impatient. Even until now. But back then, he was the type who wanted this whole thing to move forward faster. It was always the adrenaline rush and the excitement of fighting that made him want to go take on another soul.

“We’re already on a vacation,” Luhan had replied, bumping shoulders with Yixing as they walked. “Aren’t we traveling all the time, taking in the scenery, meeting new people and eating good food…”

Yixing laughed. Luhan remembers smiling, loving the sound of it.

“And fighting along the way,” Yixing continued where Luhan trailed off. “Getting bruised, getting our knees and elbows scraped and getting our clothes ripped off.”

“Don’t you mean getting myself bruised and getting my knees and elbows scraped,” Luhan had teased back, reminding Yixing that he does all the fighting.

“I have bruises. I got my clothes ripped off too,” Yixing argued back.

“When?”

“Just last night, before going to bed-”

Luhan had pushed him playfully against the trunk of a nearby tree, swallowing Yixing’s laugh with a kiss.

They were both tired. They started their journey early that morning and they both couldn’t wait to get to an inn, take a nice long hot bath and just curl up in each other’s arms and sleep.

Luhan remembers Yixing humming a sound of contentment as he leaned against the tree. That tree that even until now Luhan would still manage to spot and remember if he ever traveled all the way there again. Yixing had curled his arms around Luhan’s waist and Luhan can still remember the feeling of sinking into his hold, dropping both their bags filled with all their necessities by their feet so they could just hold each other properly and have a moment of solitude.

“We do need a vacation,” Yixing had mumbled along Luhan’s cheek. His breath warm and so is his touch that Luhan melts at his hold.

“When all this is over,” Luhan promised him.

Their moment of solitude lasted for a total of two minutes when Luhan heard a twig snap just a few feet away from them. He should’ve known then to run, pull Yixing along with him. Even as he plays that moment in his head after all these years, Luhan still feels like an idiot for not doing so.

But instead, Luhan had pulled Yixing behind him in an instant, a protective arm covering him as he scanned the area. Because back then Luhan had been very careful even if he was also mostly reckless. It wasn’t his life on the line every time they encountered a fight. It was his and Yixing’s. And between the two of them, Luhan would give anything to keep him safe first.

Yixing had whispered to him that they should get moving and Luhan agreed knowing how if anyone tries to come at them, they’d be at a disadvantage when they’re in the middle of nowhere and it was almost getting dark.

But they weren’t able to make it. Because in that moment, they were met with wandering evil souls and all Luhan could do was prepare himself to fight them off.

They were used to it. Out of all the number of souls they’d taken, Luhan was used to taking them two at a time. Three at most. But that night had been different. That night, there were more than two. Seven, Luhan recalls. There were seven of them emerging from the path and blocking their way to the nearest city.

Yixing had urged him then that they should go back. Find another route. Deal with them at another time and another day. But Luhan didn’t want to back down. He can tell that they wouldn’t make it and who knew what other souls lurked by. They had to fight. He had to fight if they were to survive that night.

Luhan should’ve listened to his meister and turned and ran with him. But he had thought about it, thought about where to attack and who to go at first and a weapon should never think at a time like that. A weapon should have trusted his meister completely and obeyed him. But Luhan didn’t and soon enough he was battling three on his right and four on his left and all the while keeping Yixing at a safe distance while he instructs Luhan what to do.

There were too many of them. He was struck on his ribs and on his chest then later on the side of his head. Luhan still has the gash in his skull, covered by his hair now. And Luhan can still remember the pain of getting devoured and beaten. It was as if the world was slowly turning and Luhan can no longer see anything or hear anything, his ears still ringing at the blow they gave him and the pain in his body growing so intense.

But Luhan didn’t back down. He didn’t stop fighting. Even when Yixing no longer called out commands and orders in his head. Even when Yixing demanded through their link that he retreat, his voice in his head pleading and cracking around the edges, because Luhan is losing. He’s losing blood and time and strength. But Luhan didn’t stop because all he could think about at that moment was not the number of souls to add on the list. It was not his duty to Death that kept him going. It was Yixing and how he needed to protect him, to keep him safe, long enough for him to run into the city and get help.

No one told him the rest of what happened since Luhan out. But he has read from the reports that Yixing had to file (and Yixing had always refrained from talking about it again no matter how many times Luhan asked) and from a team that had been walking along the same path, saw Yixing battling them off by himself, very poorly they added (for a meister only knows a handful of ways to fight them off himself), dragging Luhan’s mangled body away from those souls. If they had arrived a minute later, they wouldn’t have both found them alive.

And that was how Luhan almost died the first time.

Luhan was only able to open his eyes a week after that incident and he found himself in the hospital, alive, safe, Yixing by the side of his bed, a bandage on one side of his cheek and scratches along his arms, eyes wet and red and his whole body trembling.

“Hey,” Luhan had mustered out with a smile. He frowned though when he saw that Yixing had gotten hurt at that fight, the bandages and the scratches to prove it, when it was his duty to protect him. And even if Yixing rarely cried, he did that day, sobbing and burying his face in Luhan’s neck, arms clutching tightly but also carefully at his shoulders.

“I thought… I thought…” Were the only words that came out of Yixing’s lips, voice raspy and heavy and Luhan could only pat his back since he couldn’t hold him any tighter, couldn’t hug him and assure him it was alright with his touches. His body was still recovering. His head still felt heavy. So he had lain there, whispering, even if it also took most of his strength, at how he’s fine, they had made it - Yixing, it’s okay. Please stop crying. Yixing, I know. I know. I’m sorry.

It took months for Luhan to recover. He had to go through surgery after surgery, treatment and therapy. It was hard to get back on his feet and move like he used to. Yixing was there through it all, telling him to take his time, that there’s no rush. But Luhan bit his lip through it all and made sure he was going to be as good as new.

Luhan ached to get back on the field. It was the only thing that kept running through his head. How he had to get better. For himself. For Death. For Yixing. He had to continue. He had to get his 83rd soul and so on. He didn’t want to let anyone and himself down. He wanted to be a scythe. He wanted Yixing to earn another level. So he endured and pushed himself until he can fight like his old self again.

If Luhan could turn back time, he would probably have stopped and realized that rushing through things was a mistake. To always talk about going back and picking up where he and Yixing left off. He should have taken his time and not spend most of his hours back in the training grounds, preparing himself and making himself stronger and instead, observe the signs of what’s about to come.

He’s cleared for his duties after a year of recovery. And Luhan had ran all the way to his and Yixing’s quarters to tell him the good news. They handed me my license back! We can go! They had been waiting for it, expecting it for almost a year. Luhan has already mapped out the places they’d go in search for more souls and where he can finally get his witch to end it all.

But when Luhan arrived at the door, bursting inside the living room, he sees Yixing dressed like how they’d usually dress when they’re heading out of the city. He has his boots on, his cap in his other hand and a bag on the other although Luhan wondered why it’s bigger than the usual one they’d carry around.

“Oh,” Luhan remembers eyeing the duffel bag Yixing is holding first then looking at him. “I wasn’t expecting we’d leave so soon but alright. I’ll be done packing in about ten minutes-”

“I’m leaving.”

Luhan nodded as he made his way past him to get to their bedroom.

“I know. I’m glad you know too. Word must have come around so fast for it to reach you so soon. I got my license back-”

“Luhan, I’m leaving.”

It was the the tone Yixing used that made Luhan stop and turn around to look at him.

“I’m leaving,” Yixing said one more time when Luhan didn’t seem to understand it. Luhan’s insides had filled with a strange unpleasant feeling at hearing Yixing say that and he should’ve known then what he was going to say so he could’ve stopped him from saying it one more time and Luhan would never have to hear those words in his head at night.

“I’m leaving,” He said again. “I’m leaving you.”

Luhan had only stared at him.

“Why?” He asked dumbly.

“We can’t do this anymore,” Yixing replied. “I don’t think you’re good at this anymore.”

Luhan had already known what he meant. But at that moment it had been easier to play it stupid, to think that Yixing had meant it differently.

“What do you mean?” Luhan had asked. “I’m still the same-”

“You’re not,” Yixing said, his face hard and serious. “You lost, Luhan.”

But still, Luhan continued to play stupid to all those things Yixing said. Because Yixing would never say that to him. Yixing was his meister. Yixing loved him.

“Yixing,”

Yixing shook his head at him.

“I can’t afford to have a weapon that’s so weak.”

Luhan is not weak. And Luhan knows this so well. He is strong and powerful and he can take down anyone and anything in his path. He had a slight lapse in judgement that night. He hadn’t acted properly. But it was just one mistake. Surely Yixing could understand that?

But funny how a single remark from someone you trust and someone you love can turn things differently. Can make you think and believe something so differently.

How it can make you doubt yourself.

“I’m leaving you,” Yixing said a second time as he walked to the door and Luhan, who was bursting of energy just a few minutes earlier felt the life being drained out of him. “I can’t have a weapon that’s holding me down.”

Yixing left him in the middle of their living room, took all his things with him and went on his way without a second glance. Luhan will always remember standing there, looking at the door, wondering if all that happened was a joke. That Yixing would come back and tell him it was a bad joke. But hours passed and the skies turned dark and Luhan had spent the whole night, hugging his knees and thinking how he was weak.

Yixing didn’t come back. Luhan didn’t look for him. He was weak. He was holding him down. He didn’t deserve a meister like Yixing.

And it felt like he was dying all over again. The inability to breathe. That cold feeling filling his insides. He felt so much pain all over but he couldn’t pinpoint the exact location where it hurt. No therapy or surgery can fix a broken heart.

He thought about dying then. When Yixing left him. When his license was revoked. Because a weapon is nothing without a meister. He thought long and hard about it. Would dying for real be better than having to feel abandoned and betrayed? Would it be better to die than to go through life feeling weak? To not fight anymore and not live like he was meant to live? To not have a purpose in this world?

His friends didn’t give him the time to think about it. Kris made sure to get him back on his feet. Chanyeol, his therapist, insisted he train once more but Luhan couldn’t go back to being a weapon. There was no other person he’d be willing to listen to. Who could command him to do the things he has to do in a fight. He had to change course. If being a weapon was considered weak then he’d become a strong meister. Because a meister was never weak. A meister never lost.

Death granted Luhan what he wanted even if it took a lot of convincing. Luhan had to study all over again. He had to convince Death that this is a path far better for him. His outstanding record and credibility along with his near-death experience back at the woods helped push Death to make a decision. He was pleased to know that a weapon won’t stop fighting and would still continue to serve him despite what happened to him.

So he trained. And he studied. And he made himself strong, strong enough to take on a weapon for himself. A weapon that has no other goal than to become a scythe. Luhan can’t afford to have a link as deep as the one he shared with Yixing so the tall, gangly boy Kris pointed out to him, the one that only has the goal to stand beside Death, would be perfect.

Sehun would bring back the life he lost.

Luhan isn’t fooled though. He’s still dying. He’s still struggling to breathe every single day. He still feels that pain he felt when his meister walked out the door. He’s reminded of how humiliated and betrayed and abandoned he feels.

But he continues to pick himself up. He trains Sehun everyday without fail. He deals with his bratty and makes sure he wins every fight. He makes sure not to feel any kind of remorse for the kid when he pushes him too hard.

This is how dying feels. To live every day as if nothing’s wrong. To live and train and pretend. Pretend as if he was never abandoned. Pretend as if he never loved someone until his heart would burst. Pretend that the sight of his old meister walking through the crowd right in front of him and seeing him again after all these years is an ordinary sight to see.

Dying, for Luhan, feels a lot like living.