prompt fill for ikon’s prompt meme, sinoshijak [original prompt] when I wrote this it was at like 3-4am  and… yeah. lol. in lapslock bc I was lazy.

this is set after a modified version of m&m where all of the members were up for elimination. title is from avril lavigne’s when you’re gone.

they all knew it was a possibility, but no one ever expected it to actually happen.

as if sajangnim hasn’t tortured them all enough already, they all have to wait just like the viewers to find out who the final members of ikon are - day by torturous day, kept at the edges of their seats with their eyes glued to the line chat as each member is announced throughout the week.

the first, to no one’s surprise, is hanbin himself, followed by bobby. they’re yg’s golden boys, after all, the next gd and top or what-have-you. they share a fistbump after bobby’s name and picture appear on hanbin’s phone screen, but it’s too early for celebration.

not when the rest of their team is still up in the air.

junhoe and yunhyeong’s names are released over the next two days. bobby buys a bottle of champagne from the store down the street, since it looks like their original tet is going to make it through.

the day after, though, is chanwoo. they all knew chanwoo was one that sajangnim favored, and was relatively popular with the viewers, but the reminder that there are three other boys vying for spots is fresh in hanbin’s mind once again.

bobby buys a few bottles of soju that night, the cheap stuff that’s good for knocking you for a loop, and the original trio sit in bobby and hanbin’s room (junhoe relocating for the night, understanding of the bond that the three share), drinking in silence. hanbin’s still a year too young, but no one will tell if he doesn’t.

"what if i don’t make it?" jinhwan asks, starting on his second bottle. his voice is close to tears, and his shoulders hitch. hanbin reaches out and wraps an arm around jinhwan’s shoulders, trying to comfort the oldest.

"you’re gonna make it," bobby says, but his voice is deep and grave.

"don’t worry about it, jinhwan-hyung," hanbin says, and he swallows dryly. the alcohol’s starting to get to his head. "they can’t break us up."

jinhwan doesn’t look convinced, but downs the rest of the bottle in silence.

the sixth name is donghyuk, and by this time all the members are starting to get nervous. jinhwan stays in his room, buried under blankets on his bed. it’s so unlike him, to close himself off, and hanbin’s torn between wanting to give jinhwan his space and holding him forever.

"jinhwan-hyung has to make it, right?" donghyuk asks him, a terrified whisper. "if i made it and he didn’t, i’d never—"

"don’t talk that way, donghyuk," hanbin says, rubbing the younger’s head. "you worked hard. he’ll make it."

they’re all crowded around junhoe’s ipad in the living room as the clock ticks closer to eleven. even jinhyeong and hongseok have made their peace with their all-but-certain elimination, instead standing as silent pillars of support for jinhwan.

"one minute," yunhyeong says, and they watch as the teasing message comes up first, one they’ve seen six times over. hanbin doesn’t think the little thunderclouds are funny, and wonders who on earth in their company is sadistic enough to come up with such an idea.

the numbers in the corner of the tablet change, and a picture pops up.

it’s jinhyeong.

hanbin feels like crying.

junhoe opens the image, swiping at it this way and that to see if there’s some kind of hidden message, but the “hyeong” stays there resolute instead of “hwan,” and jinhyeong’s frozen smile remains on the screen.

real-life jinhyeong is frozen, too, expression halfway between relief and despair. chanwoo pats him awkwardly on the shoulder, but the dorm is silent.

"i," jinhwan chokes, "i need some air."

he bolts for the door, and hanbin moves to run after him, but bobby holds him back, giving his head a small shake.

"give him a moment. we’ve still gotta celebrate jinhyeongie making it," bobby says. "i didn’t buy the bubbly for nothing."

the toast is dismal, voices low and demeanors somber as they clink plastic cups and drink. hanbin stares into the pale golden liquid, bubbles rising from the middle, some clinging to the sides. he wishes he could rise up as freely, but he feels stuck, with no way out.

"i’m gonna take one out to jinhwan-hyung," hanbin says, and bobby hands him a cup wordlessly, taking a sip of his own drink, bangs casting a shadow over his face.

hanbin finds jinhwan sitting outside the building, his knees curled up to his chest and sobs wracking his body.

"here," hanbin says, sitting down next to jinhwan and offering him the cup, "i brought you some."

jinhwan turns to face him, eyes red and puffy, and hanbin feels decidedly useless.

he doesn’t even have tissues.

"thanks," he mumbles, taking the cup and drinking the whole thing down in seconds. hanbin offers up his own up, and jinhwan downs that, too, setting the cups beside him.

"it hurts, hanbin-ah," jinhwan hiccups, "why couldn’t it be me?"

hanbin can’t answer that, instead wrapping his arms around jinhwan and letting the oldest cry into his shirt. he wishes he wasn’t so bad with words, so that he could offer some type of support instead of awkward back pats and empty whispers that everything will be okay, because it’s not.

it’s not okay, and never will be.

hongseok and jinhwan move out the next morning, packing all their things into boxes and suitcases. they all cluster around again, saying their last goodbyes. hongseok is silent, shaking hands with all of them before he gets into one of the company vans. hanbin feels bad for him, just a little, because they all know that right now everyone only cares about jinhwan.

"be good, all of you," he says, voice cracking a little. "hear that, june-yah?"

junhoe scoffs, but it’s weak; hanbin can see his eyes watering, their team’s original youngest fighting so hard to keep it together.

"donghyuk-ah, yunhyeong-ah, you’ve worked so hard since we first met. i’m proud of you."

donghyuk can’t bring himself to look jinhwan in the eyes, instead keeping close to yunhyeong, who helps him stay standing.

"chanwoo-yah, jinhyeong-ah, keep it up. you’ve already surpassed your hyung."

it’s a grim joke, and no one laughs. jinhyeong looks just about ready to throw his spot away for the oldest, but they know it’ll never happen. it’s not a matter of their selflessness (if that were the issue, hanbin would’ve given up his spot in a heartbeat), but of sajangnim, who wouldn’t give them a chance in hell of letting that happen.

"bobby," jinhwan says, and said man grabs him in a bone-crushing hug.

"don’t go, hyung," bobby cries, ever the emotional and attached one. "don’t go."

"keep him same, hanbin-ah," jinhwan stage-whispers, cracking a weak smile and patting bobby on the back.

hanbin gulps. “i’ll try.”

bobby releases his hold on jinhwan, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand and pushing hanbin forward.

"you can do it, hanbinnie," jinhwan murmurs, as hanbin locks his arms around him. "be strong."

"how?" hanbin asks, and his voice sounds like a stranger’s, even to his own ears.

"don’t rely on yourself so much. you’re part of a team, you know?"

it’s not a team without you, hanbin thinks, but jinhwan whispers something that might be “i love you” into his ear and he snaps back, ready to ask jinhwan to repeat himself, but he’s already hugging the others and getting ready to go home.

junhoe runs back inside the second the car leaves, the rest of them following soon after, sans hanbin, who sits at the front of the building alone.

he’s not sure how he can go back inside when jinhwan’s not there waiting for him.

he sits there for hours, lost in his memories (when they first met, when hanbin first grew taller than jinhwan, when they went to jeju together and ate at jinhwan’s mom’s, when they first went through win, hours and hours of practice sessions and late nights awake and all the words hanbin’s always wanted to say but never did), until the wind bites at his skin and the sky darkens.

he trudges inside, shoulders slumped, heading straight for his bunk. the dorm shouldn’t feel so empty with seven people, but it does.

somehow, though, hanbin feels like everything’s crowding in on him until he feels like he can’t breathe.

hanbin barely leaves his bunk for the next week, only getting up to use the bathroom and eat whatever bobby forcibly shoves at him and pilfer alcohol from the back of the fridge. yunhyeong’s stocked the good kind of beer, probably for himself, but hanbin figures he’ll let a few bottles slide.

it’s a weird feeling, knowing that yunhyeong’s the oldest, now.

he lies in bed and drinks and writes songs, lyrics spilling from his pen in messy hangul over his notebook, raw and painful like a slap in the face every time he tries to reread them. eventually, he just starts tearing the pages out, then he’s tearing apart the entire book and junhoe walks in to a flurry of paper bits in the air.

(they spend four hours silently taping the pages back together.)

when hanbin goes back to the yg building for the first time after mix & match ended, he feels gutted. he’d left so much in the rooms there, but something (someone) won’t be coming back.

hanbin’s tried sending katalk messages, but they go unread for days until eventually he just stops entirely. he’s tried phone calls, emails, even tried sending a couple of good old-fashioned letters, but he’s got nothing.

maybe it’s for the better, he muses as he whips his body around, making sure to spot himself in the mirror, that they’ve cut themselves out of each other’s lives completely. ripped off the bandaid completely, instead of in tiny increments.

(hanbin doesn’t think it actually hurts less, this way.)

the weeks pass by, and then his father is arrested, of all things, and hanbin is confused and betrayed and he retreats back into himself, only emerging when bobby and minho flip his mattress over and tell him he’s performing born hater live with them, so he better haul out of bed right this instant.

when he’s onstage the next week, looking out at the crowd, thousands of people watching him, he wonders if jinhwan is watching him too.

slowly, hanbin comes back to himself, in bits and pieces as he yells himself raw every time they perform at big bang’s concerts and learns how to interact with the others again. they treat him like broken glass, until junhoe apologizes for wearing one of hanbin’s hats and he just laughs, because junhoe never apologizes to anyone.

(except jinhwan, but he doesn’t think about that.)

he never stops missing jinhwan - not when they finally start recording tracks for their debut album, not when they’re practicing choreography night after night, not when jinhwan finally sends him a fighting, b.i! i’ll be watching on the night of their debut showcase, but he’s okay with it, now.

thanks, hyung.

love you.

love you too.