My name is Sandara Park. If you are in the ages between 10 – 60 years old, chances are you know me, might have seen me or heard of me. Nah! I am not one of the most famous people in the world but hey I am in the top 1000 of the most followed entities in Twitter (that must have counted something right). Anyway, I am still not sure why I am writing this. Hmmm…maybe I just want to put my thoughts into words. I sometimes do this, I write a letter for myself to remind me how I felt and this is one of those days. In a way this is some sort of diary but the only difference is that after reading my thoughts, I will delete every entry immediately. I know it sounds weird but this is who I am.

Going back to the reason why I am writing. I met my ex-boyfriend again at our company building after weeks of not seeing each other. He looked well, I think. It was just a brief moment, just nodding our heads. A simple nod, acknowledging that we saw each other. However, the weird part is, I did not feel anything. No anger, not a little bit of annoyance and definitely, there was no longing anymore. I guess it is true what they say, time heals all wounds. Also, we have broken up officially for about 6 months now (I guess it’s about time). But to be fair our break up was not dramatic at all. If I have to sum it in three words, “we got tired” would be the best phrase to encapsulate it. I got tired. We both got tired. 5 years of relationship and kaput.

I have always thought of myself as a chill girlfriend. I never nag, I never demanded, I was the girlfriend who would let her boyfriend  go out and have fun (as long as it is clean fun). I believe that as long as we are still not married he can do those things (it is just a harmless socialization right?). It does not help also that my ex-boyfriend was 4 years younger than me. He was the young guy who has the drive to have fun, to live life on the edge and I am the cat lady who would rather sleep 12 hours a day and play tag with my cats than to go out. Our difference was just way too obvious. We were black and white, day and night, milk and coffee (?). It started with small things (around 3 years way into our relationship) like getting annoyed at each other quirks, then escalated to us unconciously avoiding each other, breaking up/getting back together (the constant push and pull).

Then finally the last straw for me was him cheating and experimenting with drugs. When I found out that he was sleeping with the girl whom he said was only his friend for the past 4 years, I wanted to be dramatic about it and do bodily harm to both of them. However, I didn't do so. I didn't even bother to know the story between them. I was just tired. If I had to be honest to myself, and it would sound really bad, but I have foreseen that he will be cheating on me and I kind of looking forward to that day. It sounds harsh but deep in my heart I was waiting for the day that I have enough reason to leave him. Was I a bad person? Why didn't I fight for him? A lot of questions have been plauging me but the only answer I can gave to myself was "I was tired". Tired from what? I have no freakin clue.

It also did not help that what we had was a secret relationships. Yes, I believed that some people noticed us, the way we hold hands, the way we look at each other but whenever we are asked if we are together, we just smiled. Even to our closest friends, we never admitted that we are together. They just knew, they should know. What we had was real and people around us didn’t need any more reason to pry. They knew the answer. Looking back, I think not officially announcing to our closest friends and to the world that we are together was one of the biggest factor why our relationship didn’t work.

Being in a secret relationship is like walking on thin ice.  We were always cautious. We were always keeping distance. We cannot be seen together. Plus, it brings unnecessary pain, jealousy and doubt. However, we had no choice. Telling our relationship to the world is like committing suicide. Our company would be affected, our respective groups would be affected. I would get cursed out. He will get cursed out. It pains me to say this but we were too coward to face the unfathomable consequences of letting the public know that we were dating.

I am way off tangent now. So going back. Yes, we just both got tired of each other. There was no confrontation, no screaming, and no flying plates. Just two people deciding that we are better as friends (more like strangers). Our relationship ended 6 months ago and to tell you honestly the dramatic queen side of me tells me to still long for him but today was a confirmation that I didn’t feel anything for him anymore. Not even a trace of concern of how he is doing. 

Just a nod and that’s it? No. My stubborn dramatic self did not want to end it there, so I consciously search in my playlist a song about wanting to get back together to feed my inner  Diva and found Park Hyo Shin’s “Good Person”.