Chapter 61:

Jihye’s P.O.V

Just like always, I wake up too early for sunrise and too early for Sumi’s outreach program. I grumble and sigh. I decide to get up and start my day early. But before I take my shower, I need to check my phone if there’s any important message. I didn’t turn it on when I charged it last night. I may have missed too many messages that needed my attention.

I wait for it to completely settle on before looking at the non-stop messages popping in my phone screen. Damn! All I hear is the beeping of my phone.

"Finally! It stops beeping," I utter in relief. My ears are not in the mood to hear that many in the morning.

I grab my phone and open the messages. I sigh when I see that they are all from Jiyong. I even have twenty voice mails and I don't doubt that they are all from that stupid Jiyong. Fine, I will just open them and let me hear what he wants to say.

"Jihye, this is..." he drops the call.

"Jihye, this is Jiyong. Can we talk? I just want..." he drops the call again.

"Jihye, this..."

"Yes, you are Jiyong and please finish your voice mail," I say in annoyance.

"Jihye, this is Jiyong. Please, let us talk. I just want to know your reason...no...I know your reason and it's stupid for all I care. I want to see you and for you to tell me what you really feel. I know I've been cold to you this past few days and didn't show how I cared for you but I want to tell you personally how I really feel about this situation and where my heart lies. Call me if you ever decided that you want to see me. Call me please."

I close my eyes as I listen carefully to the message of the one that made my life whole and the one who can make my life hell. "I am sorry, Jiyong, but I am not sure if my reason is still valid."

I yelp when my phone suddenly rings. "Aisht! Appa, you're going to give me a heart attack," I grumble and roll my eyes. Why is he calling me so early in the morning?

"Yes, appa," I answer the phone.

"Jihye, I have been calling and it is not connecting," YG-appa shrieks in worry. "What happened?"

"I am sorry. I've turned off my phone. Is there something wrong?" I respond. "Have you even slept appa?"

"I have slept and I'm already in my office. There is something wrong, Jihye. Have you seen the gossip news?"

I know from the voice of appa that he is worried sick and that my gut feeling is telling me that the thing I am worried yesterday has happened. "No, I didn't. Is there something wrong?"

YG-appa sighs. "Reporters have connected Jiyong into the issue. Well, he is considered connected because he is the father of your child but the issue became bigger when they concluded that you, two, broke up because you didn't take care of the baby."

Well, that's a better version than mine. Those reporters are good, good in coming up stories. “I am afraid to inform you that I am prepared for that news but they came up with a better idea than mine. But I will not release a statement this time. I will notify you when I plan to release my official statement through my legal counsel this time. I don’t want to issue a statement from your company this time.” As much as possible, I will like to keep my distance from YG Company. I don’t want to drag them into the issue.

“Well, it is your decision. I know you don’t want to drag the company in this issue but if you ever need help or rescuing, please, just please, at least let me help,” YG-appa says, worry and pleading in his tone.

I smile at no one. “Okay, I’ll tell you when I need rescuing,” I answer, half-serious and half-teasing. “I have to get ready for an outreach with Sumi, appa. So, I better say goodbye for now. I’ll call you when I need an ear to listen to me, arasso?” I giggle at my last sentence.

YG-appa chuckles. “I’ll be waiting for that call, Jihye. Goodbye.”

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I stop dead in my tracks and the children have left me standing there alone while they are happily skip walking towards the fun and games in the playground. “What…”

“GD-oppa, what are you doing here?” Sumi speaks in a mix of surprise and shock.

“Sumi, just this one time, let us be for a while,” Jiyong answers stern.

Sumi looks at me in worry and inquiring if she should leave or call for help.

“Leave us for a while, Sumi. And if possible call my guards and tell them to block the room to let us talk, just the two of us,” I tell her.

Sumi nods her head and leaves.

“Let us talk inside, civilly as possible.” I smile curt and comes in before him.

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“I only have few questions for you regarding the news,” Jiyong says seriously and sits on the available chair near him. “Please, sit,” he offers.

I shake my head. “I prefer standing up. So, ask away,” I mutter calmly but in reality my palms are sweating bullets and I can’t seem to cool my nerves.

“I want to know if you regret losing the baby. Don’t lie to me again, Jihye.”

“The real thing is that a part of me regret it and a part of me is relieve because if the baby will just be living in this kind of hell that I’ve been through, I would have just regretted more things than losing it,” I reply with all honesty. That baby is a blessing taken away because God knows that both of us will just struggle.

“Did the baby have a proper ceremony?”

“Of course, the baby did. It is simple but my family made it special to the lost angel.” I am not in a good shape then but I still did my part as the baby’s mother. I stay strong and happy for the little angel to be happy to wherever he or she is.

“Then tell me what really happened,”

“With all due respect, I don’t want to relive the memory again.” I look away before he sees the sadness in my eyes. Just seeing it in a dream makes my heart weak. How can I even relive the tale of the death of my baby?

“I’m sorry,” Jiyong says with regret. “I should have been more careful. Then why did you not file a case against Haeri?”

Few questions? These are not even few to me. What is the meaning of few to him? “I think we, both, know why I did it.” I don’t need to speak it out. Does he even want a confirmation from me? Does he have to know that I will do anything just to keep his life the same before I came?

I hear the screech of the chair but I didn’t look up and continue to gaze at the outside. The sky is blue but at the other half of it is getting cloudy. I feel his hands hold my shoulder and carefully turn my body to face him. His hands go up to my face and cup both of my cheeks and make me look at him. His eyes full of grief, sadness, anger and love. “I love you.”

My eyes mist but I exhale. “Jiyong…”

“Jihye, just this once, can you not bet your heart all in? I am betting everything on this relationship,” Jiyong says persuasively, like he’s holding on his life.

I look straightly into his eyes and cup his cheeks. “I did, Jiyong, and I ended up being empty so badly because I didn’t leave anything for myself. I am tired of being wounded.”

How many failed relationships did I have? How many disappointments on relationships do I have to feel before I finally give up? How many sacrifices does my heart make to completely shatter it? I don't want to feel the same pain that I felt when Grey died but I still did. I died the second time when my baby died and when I left Jiyong. I don't want to go all in anymore because every time I do, I am the loser.

"Let's gamble one more time, Jihye," Jiyong responds. "One more gamble."

"I...I..." I stutter and can't answer him. Tears start to fall from my eyes. "I don't know."

Jiyong's tears fall too and look at me, telling me like I am his life line. "You can. You are just afraid to commit."

Am I? Yes, I am. My heart is tired and doubtful. I am afraid that if I gamble one last time, I will crumble when I lose the game and never stand up ever again. “Commitment? I hate that word. Every time I commit to someone, I always end up as a loser.”

"Give us a chance," Jiyong states pleadingly again.

“Jiyong!” I shriek in despair. “I have given us too many chances,” I exclaim in tears, “Too many times, I tried to understand the mistakes, fights, and your fans. Yes, I got tired of understanding your fans possessiveness over you. I can’t compete with them, Jiyong, because every time I try to compete or fight over with them, I will look like them, possessive and close minded. I didn’t want to be like them that I will fight every single girl that will be link to you. I didn’t want to be an overprotective, doubtful, over-jealous as a girlfriend.”

I stop my rumbling and look at him with grief. “I got tired, Jiyong. I got tired fighting for the relationship and for your fans to understand how much I loved you. I am a person too but in the eyes of your fans I was a leech that’s clinging to you.”

“Then why did you made me hold onto the promise of eventually when you are the one eventually giving up?” Jiyong shouts back. “Jihye, you assured me that the fans were not getting on your skin and that you are okay. You made me think that you are super guarded and nothing will pass through that barrier.”

My tears can’t stop falling from my eyes; even Jiyong is crying a river. “I was guarded but they still passed through…through you. I decided to give up because you…you blame your fans and they ended up hating me more. I decided to break up with you because it’s for my sake and yours. I already warned you that when your mouth confirmed or speak of our relationship, we were going to be on our toes and that’s what you did.”

“I didn’t know,” Jiyong says aghast. “I am not aware that I end up…” he stops and I know that he knew when he did it.

“You finally remembered,” I remark sarcastically grave. “That day, I received the cruelest news of losing my baby and vilest comments I have ever received all my life. That I decided for the peace of both of us. The hatred got to stop back then because if I didn’t stop it, we will have the worst relationship we ever had all our life, Jiyong.” That day I had to decide for both our happiness.

“But, I didn’t read any comments on the accident,” Jiyong says confused.

“You didn’t because my family erased all of it before they grow into a bigger issue and an angrier you,” I informed the man that will do anything to defend me. He will defend me. I know for sure that he will.

“You should have told me,” Jiyong shouts furiously.

“Even if I did, our decision will end up the same, Jiyong.”

“You shouldn’t shoulder and decide on your own, Jihye. I am…was your boyfriend and I should also know what was going on. Why are you wrapping me in bubble wrap? I am not fragile.”

“Tell me, you are not, when you said to the whole VIP nation that they are happy that I’m in my deathbed,” I challenge him.

Jiyong shoulders slump and his anger leaving him. “Mianhe,” he says. “So, everything is my fault and you decided for both of us. Then for all the pain you have put me through and for the lies you did, I forgive you. Just give us another chance and if you are afraid then let me prove to you how much I love you."

"Stop being too understanding, Jiyong. Why can you forgive me in just a snap of a finger? I did terrible things to you."

"Shhh!!!" Jiyong hushes me out. "They are not terrible, Jihye. Maybe, not justified but I understand the reasons behind them. I’m not as understanding. We, both, know that I am not as understanding as what you are implying. I am a jealously possessive jerk and a close minded freak." He ends his piece with a boyish grin.