05:06
 

 

I cannot undo

what I have done;

I can't un-sing

A song that's sung.

 

And the saddest thing

about my regret -

 

I can't forgive me,

and you can't forget.

 - Unknown

 

I never stopped.

It is like a melody, a soft blowing of wind that caressed his hair, a brush of lips against skin, a twinkle of the stars up above in the night sky. He closes his eyes for there were no other sounds that had been as soothing as the voice that whispered into his ear; there were no other words that could have lifted off the painful weight that was ever present in his chest. There were no other pair of arms that could hold him and give him such warmth, security, love.

I never stopped.

There were no other men who could love him as much as he does, and always will.

For even after the knife that Baekhyun slashed at his heart, Sehun clutched his bleeding wound with his hands. Even after Baekhyun crushed his trust and his happiness and his life, Sehun stared after, longingly, and wished he had done better. Evil wears a mask of an entrancing beauty, pulling Baekhyun into its lair time and again, never stopping, determined to continue until one breaks and the other is broken. Baekhyun had never known such cruelty and was more ashamed than angry that he had fallen for the devil's charm, leaving behind the one thing that was true to his heart. Mistakes are forgiven, trust has been restored but he could never, ever, forgive himself. Guilt has a way to stay and it stays forever.

I never stopped.

Baekhyun kept his eyes closed, feeling the cool breeze on his skin and the warmth of the arms that wrapped around him. He smiled, leaning back against the body that had pressed against his for as long as he could remember. He felt lips touching his skin, a brush of kisses on his temple and into his hair. Sehun's voice sings the words of love into his ear, promises of holding on and forever lulling him into a state of daze. He's filled with the scent of eucalyptus, a little bit of olive, laced with a hint of sandalwood. He's filled with Sehun.

Where once he had thought he would not know what happiness felt like anymore, now he once again understood the true meaning of it. Happiness is that flutter in his stomach whenever Sehun kissed him, the smile that lights up Sehun's whole features as he gazed so adoringly at Baekhyun as if... As if Baekhyun was his very own miracle instead of the boy who had taken his heart with a promise to keep it only to brutally crush it into pieces.

Baekhyun couldn't lose this; he couldn't lose Sehun. Not again.

 

His eyes fluttered open, lids heavy from sleep as he took a few seconds to realize that he was awaken from yet another dream. The digital clock by his bedside table flashed a bright red of 05:06 am. Almost like an instinct, Baekhyun shifted so he could face Sehun, whose face looked peaceful in his sleep. He smiled upon the sight of his sleeping boyfriend, a hand going up to caress Sehun's face with the tips of his fingers. There is lightness in his chest as he studied Sehun's features, from the curve of his brows and the slight tilt of the corner of his lips, the slow inhale and exhale of his breath and the way his fringe fall and covered his eyes.

Baekhyun pushed Sehun's hair back so he could lean up and kiss the taller's closed lids, running his fingers through Sehun's brown locks. His hair had grown over the couple of years since the night they decided to try again, styled to part in the middle that made him look manly and mature, melting Baekhyun's insides into a gooey mess. He gazed adoringly at Sehun, chuckling to himself when he noticed the small smile that colored Sehun's lips and wondered what had visited him in his sleep. He continued to run his fingers through Sehun's hair, placing a kiss on his nose and his lips continuously that it awoken the other male.

Sehun released a sleepy moan once his brain registered that it was only Baekhyun, leaning into the smaller's touches with a smile playing at his lips and winding an arm around Baekhyun's waist to pull him closer. His voice was thick and hoarse, heavy from sleep. "Is it that time of morning again when you wake up and then wake me up as well?"

His tone was laced with playfulness that elicited the chuckle that escaped Baekhyun's lips, pulling back his hand so he could snuggle in and bury his face into Sehun's clothed chest. His arms found their place around Sehun's torso and he breathed in the faint scent of Sehun's shampoo. He had noticed this automatic daily routine as well; waking up at exactly 05:06am just so he could watch Sehun with enough touches to wake the younger up. It was like his body clock - he had no control of it whatsoever. It wasn't something they made a big deal out of, however, because Sehun doesn't mind and Baekhyun needed the assurance.

"You know I love you, right?" His first question resonates through the silence of the night as he listened to Sehun's calm heartbeat. "I love you so much and I would never, ever, do anything to hurt you again." His voice was almost too soft but he knew Sehun had heard him from the way the taller male rubbed soothing circles onto his spine. Baekhyun closed his eyes as he continued, "I've done enough damage for the both of us and I know it could never be forgotten but I need you to know that I love you. I love you with my whole life."

Sehun hummed, tightening his hold around Baekhyun and placing a kiss onto the crown of the smaller's head. Baekhyun could feel the smile in Sehun's voice when he spoke, "I do know that, Baek. I've known it since the moment I kissed you and you kissed me back. You see," He paused, pulling away just enough for Baekhyun to look up at him. Sehun smiled, a thumb caressing Baekhyun's cheek. "Some things last, but there was no guarantee that there would be no obstacles in the way. It's a matter of whether or not we survive them."

They fell into a comfortable silence, in which Baekhyun thought through the words Sehun had just spoken and wondered if there would be more obstacles in store for them. Sehun wasn't done, however, because he smiled even wider before leaving a kiss on the tip of Baekhyun's nose. "Ours broke us and I would never forget the pain it had brought me but our love, Baekhyun, our love is strong. It had been since we first started. And that's why I am here now with you and you are in my arms again. So I do know that you love me and I love you, too, with all of my being and existence. We'll make it."

There was not even a trace of accusation that laced Sehun's voice when he recalled the very obstacle that had broken them apart. There was no anger in his words when he spoke of the pain that Baekhyun himself had inflicted upon him. Sehun had long forgiven him but he has yet to forgive himself. It took him a minute to let Sehun's words fully register in his head, lips quivering and hiding his face once again into Sehun's chest. He thinks he doesn't deserve a soul like Sehun's, he thinks he should not be given such an opportunity to be held by the purest, kindest being in this whole planet yet it was the only thing that he craves.

He shed a couple of tears that Sehun kissed away tenderly, warmth and love filling him up and lulling him back to sleep. Sehun's voice lingered in his head, even as he stepped into his dreams - a mixture of nightmarish memories and relief of it being over, wrapped in the arms of the man who had sworn to love him for life or forever, whichever comes first.

'Sehun, do you think you will ever love me again?'

'I never stopped.'

 

Like every other morning since Sehun had asked him to move in into the same apartment, Baekhyun woke up fresh despite shedding tears almost every time he wakes up in the middle of the night just to remind Sehun that he loved the taller. Sehun had left for the office in the early hours of morning after the breakfast that Baekhyun prepared, leaving in hurry because his preparation for work had mostly consisted of Baekhyun distracting him, but not without giving Baekhyun a loving peck on his forehead. His smile, even as he looked tired, shone brighter than the sunrays that peeked through their curtains.

Baekhyun's usual routine after Sehun left would be to make the house look decent before leaving for his perfumery. Sehun had helped him start it during the first year of their reunion. It was well into its third year and Baekhyun was satisfied at how his business is going really well. His fragrances sell easily, especially during festive seasons, and he had received time and again the positive feedback that his customers had provided. Apparently, his use of natural ingredients made it all the more special and even with a high price, people are willing to buy. He has Jongdae to thank, of course. His fragrances had improved with Jongdae's help.

'Oh to my Byun' was put for sale for a very limited time, and within a week, the twelve bottles he made were sold out. Sehun wasn't too pleased, however, but he had only added a playful comment on how now a lot of other people would have his scent (to which Baekhyun had assured that it could never be the same). Baekhyun is living a dream and there was nothing much he could do to repay all the kind deeds Sehun had done for him.

"Your dreams are mine too, Baek." had been Sehun's reply when Baekhyun cried the night the perfumery first opened, thanking Sehun continuously for making his dreams come true.

Now as he stepped out of the elevator and into the apartment lobby, he flashed Kyungsoo, the apartment's concierge, a wide grin and a small wave of his hand. They had been friendly when Baekhyun first moved in and the two had clicked right on, sometimes going out for coffee whenever Baekhyun is free from his shop and Kyungsoo has the day off.

"Your boyfriend was late today," Kyungsoo teased, "Did you have any involvement to the distraction that he mentioned?" One of his brows raised teasingly, nodding in a way to greet Baekhyun good morning.

Baekhyun laughed at this, walking over towards Kyungsoo's counter to give the shorter male a brief hug. Over the last couple of years, Kyungsoo had become a close friend to both Sehun and Baekhyun, catching movies together or going on pointless road trips. Kyungsoo had broken up with his teacher boyfriend over a year ago, something Junmyeon who disappeared out of the blue without any messages or calls to tell Kyungsoo where he had left to and if they had any chance to ever get back together again. Some said he was probably dead.

With a light pat placed upon Kyungsoo's cheek, Baekhyun winked playfully at him. "Oh Sehun is very hard to resist and he happens to find me as equally irresistable. Distractions are bound to happen, Mr Do."

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes, chuckling in amusement and shaking his head. He drummed his fingers on the counter, looking as if he had something to say to Baekhyun but the hesitance in his eyes were obvious. Baekhyun felt a wave of guilt rushed through him because even if Kyungsoo wanted to talk, he had to rush to the perfumery. He clicked his tongue, biting down onto his bottom lip and mirroring Kyungsoo's actions by drumming on the counter. Deciding that he should make time later for the boy, Baekhyun flashed Kyungsoo a smile.

"How about coffee later at four?" He suggested, relief washing over him just as soon as he saw the smile that grazed Kyungsoo's full lips. "Starbucks just across from my shop. I'll see you there and then you can tell me anything. Don't be late!" He called out with another wink, rushing out of the lobby with hurried steps as he made his way to his perfumery.

He reached Byeon-ui Iyagi (a name he had come up with for his store since he was young) just in time, greeted not-so quietly by his closest friend slash future business partner Jongdae, who ran up to him with an excited grin and a piece of paper in hand. Baekhyun guessed that must contained the urgent news that Jongdae had rushed him for but the smile on Jongdae's face only tells him that it wasn't all that urgent, if Jongdae is smiling like that. He sighed, flashing Jongdae an annoyed expression as he made his way into his little office at the back of the store, Jongdae tailing him from behind and buzzing like an excited puppy.

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, making a mental note to apologize to Kyungsoo later on. He gestured with his head towards the letter Jongdae was holding. "What is that in your hand?"

As if he had been waiting for Baekhyun to speak all along, Jongdae squealed and waved the paper at Baekhyun's face. "It's a letter, Baekhyun! A letter from someone you wouldn't believe. Like, ever. You're gonna die from happiness." He handed the paper for Baekhyun to read, the latter taking it as his eyes scan over the handwritten words on the blank page.

Apparently the son of Seoul's billionaire, Lee Donghae or something, had caught a whiff of Baekhyun's Oh to my Byun and, as he stated in his letter, had fallen in love with the scent. He pursed his lips at the request the letter had asked him for, unsure if Sehun would actually like the idea of him making more bottles of the fragrance for someone else, even if it's one person. He looked up at Jongdae after reading through, placing the letter on the table.

"Well?" Jongdae prompted, taking a seat before him. "Please tell me you're taking this offer."

Baekhyun's lips pursed even further, leaning back against his chair. "Jongdae, I don't think it's actually nice of me to do this to Sehun. He was already slightly upset I actually sold it out to people. I mean, you have to understand where we're coming from. It's- It's our thing."

It was so easy to know when Jongdae is upset, angry, or in this case, annoyed. His eyelids droop a little, losing the smile that adorned his face earlier as his hands fall to his sides. He eyed the letter from the corner of his eyes. "Baek, it's a request from Lee Donghae. Do you even know who Lee Donghae is or do I need to google him for you?"

"I know who he is."

"And you're saying no?!" Jongdae screeched, piercing through Baekhyun's eardrums.

Baekhyun raised a hand to scratch at his nape, biting down onto his bottom lip. He was undecided about this request; it would be great to be the young Lee's personal fragrance maker - imagine how famous he would be after that. But on the other hand, he had to respect Sehun. He did come up with the fragrance for his boyfriend and it would only make sense that Sehun wouldn't want him making more of the exact same thing for other people. He sighed, flashing Jongdae an apologetic smile. "Yes, I'm saying no."

Jongdae reeled, "Did you miss the part where he mentioned 'how much you would want to charge me would not be of any problem'? Which means that he's willing to pay even if you set the price at like, one thousand U.S dollars? You have to accept this."

"Jongdae," Baekhyun chuckled, getting up from his chair with intention to leave the office so he could take a look at the sales floor. He patted Jongdae on the shoulder, "I don't really care about the money, Dae. Oh to my Byun is special not only to Sehun but to me as well. One day, we'll decide if we will sell it again. If this Lee Donghae guy wants a personalized fragrance and he wants my work, maybe you could ask if he would like for me to come up with one just for him, hm? I'm sure I can slot it in my busy schedule."

His friend's shoulders slumped, abandoning the letter on the table as if it's lost its importance within the last second. "Byun Baek, you are whipped. And you are not busy. If you meant to say, 'I'm sure I can make time in between my make out sessions with my boyfriend to make one personalized fragrance for Seoul's richest man', then yes. I'd believe you."

Baekhyun laughed, scrunching up his nose at the way Jongdae was making puking sounds from the mention of make out sessions. Baekhyun rolled his eyes, stepping out of the office and onto the sales floor, where his employee stood at the cashier counter, serving a customer. The flow of people that goes into his store was smooth, even if they leave empty-handed. He needed exposure and with more people noticing his product, Baekhyun could pray for a more successful business in the future. His business reputation could bring him a lot of things.

A soft series of laughter brought his attention back towards the counter, noticing the student part-timer who had been working for him for the last half a year standing by the shelves, smiling rather sheepishly and laughing at whatever Jongdae was telling him. He looked eerily similar to Baekhyun, a college senior named Taehyung who had first visited the store out of mere interest, claiming he was probably Baekhyun's very first fan. It was adorable and when he came again looking for a job, Baekhyun had to accept him with no hesitation. (Also Jongdae actually became nicer since Taehyung came).

A less than manly yelp escaped his lips when a pair of arms wrapped around him, pulling him close to the owner’s body and if he doesn’t recognize the feel of the hold, Baekhyun would probably freak out at the hot breath that Sehun breathed out into his ear. He chuckled, sounding almost like an excited girl as he turned around to face his boyfriend. Sehun was gazing at him adoringly, the way he usually does whenever Baekhyun caught him. Aware that there were no customers in the store, Baekhyun tiptoed to press his lips onto Sehun’s, mewling playfully when Sehun deepened the kiss. He patted the taller's cheek, kissing it.

"You surprised me," He chuckled, winding his arms around Sehun's waist, chin resting onto Sehun's chest. "Did you want something?"

One of Sehun's hands came up to caress Baekhyun's cheek, his first three words a whisper only for Baekhyun to hear. "I want you. But yes, I did come for a purpose. How about lunch together? I happen to be free right now and we haven't gotten the opportunity to eat together for awhile so... I was thinking of getting some tonkatsu."

Baekhyun cheered, the idea of having lunch together with Sehun after the weeks of eating lunch in the company of Jongdae exciting him. He nodded a yes and told Sehun to wait as he disappeared into the office to grab his wallet and phone. There's a buzzing in his chest although he doesn't really understand why. He couldn't remember the last time he gets to eat out with Sehun since the shop opened and Sehun's cases piled up on his desk at work.

He's grinning as he skipped out from the office, halting midstep just as soon as his eyes caught sight of a man he hadn't seen, and never wished to see, for a very long time. His grin faded off into a frown, the same painful weight that rested on his chest all those years returning at once. He almost stumbled back from the shock of seeing Chanyeol - the man who he had chosen over Sehun, the very source of his regrets - standing right in the middle of his shop, eye to eye with Sehun who had his hands fisted at his sides. Baekhyun attempted to calm his breathing as he took tentative steps towards the pair, keeping his eyes on Sehun to see if the boy would do anything to Chanyeol like he once did when he first found out.

Taehyung and Jongdae could feel the tension in the air, the latter being the only one who knows what exactly is going on since Taehyung looked as confused as Baekhyun felt. He cleared his throat, and only then did both Chanyeol and Sehun turned to look at him. He swallowed, eyeing Chanyeol closely as he hooked a hand around Sehun's arm.

Chanyeol's gaze fell onto Baekhyun's hand, a small frown forming on his forehead even as he flashed them both a small, apologetic smile. He looked different from the last time Baekhyun had seen him, at court just after the end of their divorce case. He had looked like the devil in disguise then, the victorious smirk on his lips to remind Baekhyun that he had won the game.

Baekhyun couldn't forget the look on his face.

But now as he stood there before them, hands in his jeans pocket and eyes sad, he looked like a totally different person. He looked like the Chanyeol Baekhyun had fallen in love with during the times that he was there for Baekhyun while Sehun was gone. The Chanyeol who had held Baekhyun close in his arms when he cried about Sehun. Suddenly he remembered why there was even room for him to love someone else beside Sehun, remembered why he had fallen in love with Chanyeol when he should have waited longer for his boyfriend.

The deafening silence between them had made Baekhyun clear his throat again. This time he turned to look at Sehun, who had been staring at him for the last few seconds, realization as clear as crystal in his eyes. He looked away slowly, pain reflecting in the way he stared at the ground and the way his fists unclench and only then did Baekhyun realize what Sehun must have assumed. He shook his head but Sehun wasn't looking at him. Suddenly slightly angry, Baekhyun's eyes fell back onto the giant, swallowing before he spoke.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, voice bitter.

Chanyeol's smile only softened, "I just wanted to come by and you know, see how you're doing. And I also..." He glanced at Sehun, whose eyes stayed on the floor. "I wanted to apologize for what I've done to the both of you in the past. I've learnt my lesson the hard way." His voice cracked at this, and he pursed his lips as if to stop a sob from escaping. "It took me losing someone to know how it feels like to have them taken away from you. And I'm sorry, Sehun. I'm so sorry I took him away."

Even the strongest withers, they say. And for the first time in the six years that Baekhyun had spent with Chanyeol, he saw the giant break down, literally dropping onto his knees as he sobbed into his hands. Baekhyun gasped just as soon as Chanyeol's knees touched the floor, looking around to see if there were people. Lunch time was almost over, so it wasn't a surprise to find that the only people in the store were only them and Jongdae with Taehyung.

"If I had known how much it hurts, I wouldn't have done it." Chanyeol continued, wiping at his tears hastily. "I wouldn't wish for anyone to ever be cursed with this pain because it hurts. It hurts so much. You didn't deserve such pain. But Baek, I did love you. I loved you."

Sehun flinched, his body going tense as he glared down at Chanyeol, jaw clenched. Baekhyun could feel a sob ripple at his chest, clamping his lips together to keep it from leaving his mouth. He had hurt to know that Chanyeol had lied about his feelings and to find out that it wasn't a lie after all was like a trigger to his emotions. He had loved Chanyeol, maybe not as much as he will always love Sehun, but he still loved Chanyeol. He dared not move now as he kept his gaze elsewhere, refusing to shed any tears.

The times of which Sehun spent calling Baekhyun his angel seemed rather pointless, for Baekhyun was far from an angel like Sehun very much is. Baekhyun watched as Sehun crouched just enough for him to pull Chanyeol up, the taller of the two getting back onto his feet with Sehun's guide. Sehun flashed Chanyeol a smile, nodding as if he understood exactly what the giant had been saying all along just before he pulled the taller male in an embrace. He held Chanyeol tight, hugging him just enough for Chanyeol to stop crying.

"I forgive you," Sehun finally spoke, pulling away from the hug. It seemed to have been the main trigger to Baekhyun's tears, however, because the tears that he held back rolled down his cheeks just as soon as Sehun spoke. I forgive you.

All he did was love Baekhyun, gets heartbroken by doing so, yet it was him who had willingly accepted Chanyeol's apology as if all the giant did was push him down the stairs.

'Some things hurt more than just hot steel on skin, Baek. Those kinds of pain are the ones that take the longest time to heal.'

Sehun's words from the day they had met again after three years echoed in his head, and he guessed Sehun must have healed from all the pain that both Chanyeol and Baekhyun had inflicted upon him. He thinks he doesn't deserve the kind of love that Sehun was giving him. He thinks Sehun would be better off with someone who had never hurt him before.

'But if I were to be honest, it was worth the pain.'

 

Chanyeol's visit had taken the time Baekhyun could have had for lunch with Sehun, the incident ending with Sehun leaving back for his office with only a brief kiss onto Baekhyun's forehead. He knew Sehun was upset, even though he had been sincere when he forgave Chanyeol. While he could never forgive himself for what he had done, Sehun could never forget. The whole ordeal was still fresh in his head, and Baekhyun knew this because he could see it in Sehun's eyes. He could see it in the way Sehun hold onto him so tightly, as if afraid he would be taken away again if he loosen his hold.

Kyungsoo couldn't make it for coffee and Baekhyun had dinner alone in his office. He didn't finish his food, of course, ending up staring into space as the scenes earlier repeated in his head. He spent the remaining hours lost in thoughts, trusting Jongdae to whatever matters that needed to be handled, until Sehun's car appeared in the driveway to bring him home.

The whole ride back to their apartment was silent. Baekhyun was afraid it wasn't the right time to say anything, so he was quiet as he thought about Chanyeol's visit. It refused to leave his mind; Chanyeol's words had repeated in his head over and over again. Chanyeol had loved him after all. Chanyeol was capable of love after all. And he couldn't remember why he had believed Chanyeol never loved him. He was so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed the car stopping, snapping out of it at Sehun's call of his name. From the sound of Sehun's tone, Baekhyun guessed he had been trying to get Baekhyun's attention for quite some time.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" Sehun asked, clenching his jaw as he stared ahead into the empty parking lot. "You can't forget what he said. He loved you, and you loved him."

Baekhyun's heart clenched as hard as Sehun's jaw had. "Sehun, it's not like that. I did love him but that was from before, remember? I love you more than anything else."

Sehun's gaze fell onto his lap, chewing at his lower lip the way he always does. "You still love him, Baek. I saw the way you looked at him. I'm not stupid so don't lie to me."

It felt like a slap across his face and he was suddenly angry at Sehun for doubting him. He knew that he had loved Chanyeol before but he was sure now that he doesn't. Not anymore. It could have been fatigue that pecked at him, or the rush of memories that washed over him for the last couple of hours since Chanyeol's visit. But as much as he would like to blame all those for what he said next, he knew that the only thing he could blame was himself.

"Do you know why I fell in love with him? It's because he's kept his promises during that time and he was actually there for me when I needed someone." He spat, the words causing Sehun to visibly flinch, blinking rapidly as if he couldn't believe what he had heard.

Baekhyun regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth, but he was tongue-tied soon after, and he couldn't find any words to say. Sehun pursed his lips, refusing to spare Baekhyun a glance as he got off the car and headed towards the elevator. Baekhyun watched with a heavy heart as Sehun disappeared into the elevator, sighing and leaning his head against the headrest in defeat. He closed his eyes, hating himself for hurting Sehun yet again.

It seemed to be the only thing he was good at.

He made it to their apartment unit about fifteen minutes later, feet as heavy as his heart as he turned the doorknob, expecting it to be locked. But it pushed easily and he breathed a sigh of relief because Sehun hadn't been that upset to lock him out. He found Sehun already in bed, the sight of the lump underneath the comforter making him feel more guilty than he was earlier. He bit at his lip, silently joining the taller male in bed and wrapping an arm around Sehun's wait as he snuggled into his boyfriend, whispering apologies into Sehun's ear.

He knew Sehun wasn't asleep from his breathing pattern and he knew Sehun had heard him, but he lets himself fall asleep anyway. Sehun would be easier to talk to once he's calmed.

It was exactly 05:06AM when Baekhyun's eyelids fluttered open, and as soon as he registered the familiar surrounding, he snuggled even closer to the body he had his arms around. He barely noticed pressing his face into Sehun's chest, vaguely remembering last night's argument and how Sehun had slept facing away from him. He could feel Sehun's familiar arm resting over his waist, and he looked up to look at his boyfriend's face, smiling just as soon as his eyes laid onto the lashes that kissed Sehun's cheeks. He placed one on Sehun's nose.

He began to caress Sehun's face with his fingers, playing with the boy's hair until he was groaning awake. Baekhyun felt a little sorry this time, because Sehun looked really tired, but he needed to tell Sehun what he needed to say. Sehun flashed him a lazy smile when he stopped blinking sleep away, cradling Baekhyun's head to his chest and peppering kisses into Baekhyun's hair. Baekhyun closed his eyes, appreciating the affection Sehun was giving him. He couldn't imagine waking up to none of this and he wished it would go on for a long time.

"I'm sorry," He broke the silence, whispering into Sehun's chest. "For what I said last night. I didn't mean it. I love you and only you. I could never love anyone else as much as I love you. You need to know that. I can't have you doubting me and my feelings for you, Sehun."

Sehun hummed, threading fingers through Baekhyun's hair and placing a kiss right onto the crown of Baekhyun's head. "I know," He said, keeping his lips against Baekhyun's forehead. "I'm sorry I doubted you. I know I shouldn't have. I love you, too, Baek. And I don't want to lose you again. I can't lose you again. You're all that I have left."

His voice sounded a little cracked at the end, but Baekhyun was distracted by the fingers that played with his hair to notice much. He smiled up at Sehun when he pulled back, kissing Sehun's jawline softly. "You will never lose me again, Sehun. I promise. I'm yours forever."

When Sehun pulled him in again for another kiss, and one of his hands went up to cradle Sehun's face, he could feel the wet trail of Sehun's tears and he wanted to ask why he was crying but Sehun continued to kiss him, deeper and a little hungrier by the second. And he forgot about it completely when Sehun took him there in the blissful morning. He could only remember the promise he made for Sehun, determined to keep it for as long as he lives.

I'm yours forever.

 

Waking up at 05:06AM everyday was becoming a problem not only to Baekhyun but Sehun as well. They were losing sleep because of it but no matter how much Baekhyun tried not to wake Sehun up along with him, he couldn't help his fingers from tracing the lines of Sehun's features, or caress the number 140506 tattooed on Sehun's finger. Sehun is not a deep sleeper, and he wakes up at the softest of touches. He didn't seem to mind but Baekhyun had noticed how tired he looked when they wake up for breakfast or when he leaves for work.

Baekhyun found himself talking to Jongdae about it on a sunny day in Seoul over two bowls of patbingsu, a few weeks after Chanyeol made an appearance in his shop. Jongdae was the only other person who knew about his problem besides Sehun and he was glad Jongdae hadn't judged him, no matter how much he actually disliked talking about feelings. He says it makes him nauseous but for Baekhyun, he would go through it to listen.

"I'm constantly afraid that I would lose him, Dae. I feel this need to tell him that I love him and the urge is stronger whenever I find myself awake at like, five in the morning. But at the same time, I don't want it to lose its meaning." He sighed, leaning back against his chair.

Jongdae sipped the last spoon of his dessert before mirroring Baekhyun's actions, hands clasped onto his abdomen as he pursed his lips in thought. "I get where you're coming from. I mean, I don't understand these needs nor do I want to understand it but I get what you're trying to say. It's not normal, we both know that. Maybe you should see someone about it."

The idea of having to meet a professional makes Baekhyun sit at the edges of his seat, not ready to actually find out if he was going crazy. He bit at his lip, rephrasing his question carefully in his head before voicing it out. "See someone? Like.. Like a psychiatrist?"

"Someone like that, yes." Jongdae agreed, missing the horrified look on Baekhyun's face. "I know someone who might be able to help you. He's a friend from college and I think Sehun knows him too. Remember that case Sehun won about a girl suing the doctor and accusing him of molesting her?"

Baekhyun nodded, the memory of it fresh in his head because it had just been a year ago and it marked Sehun's fifth win. He couldn't remember the client's name, however, even though he vaguely recalled how the man had looked like. He snickered, his next words came with intention to lighten up the mood. "Are you sure he won't molest me?"

His best friend choked on his own saliva, laughing a little before shaking his head. "I'm not so sure about that. I mean, the main reason to why he had won the case was because he was gay and there was actually a nurse there with him. But I don't know... You're a guy, he's a guy. I can't guarantee he won't want to touch you at least somewhere."

"Oh my god, Jongdae." Baekhyun spluttered, coughing slightly. "Let's not stray into that. Will he be able to help me with my problem, though? Will he think I'm crazy?"

Jongdae rolled his eyes, "He's a psychiatrist. He meets crazy people every day so I doubt he would actually judge you. And yes, he might be able to help. Just don't get any meds prescription. They say these meds will make you crazier than you think you are."

Baekhyun scrunched up his nose at Jongdae's last sentence, deciding that it won't hurt to actually seek help about his morning problem. If he could control it, Sehun would get the rest that he needs. "Do you have his name card or something to make appointments?"

The other boy was quick to fish out his wallet, slipping a card onto the table for Baekhyun to take. "Dr. Kim Minseok. He's a tiny thing so you can definitely kick him if he tries to touch you. But don't worry, I doubt he will."

 

Minseok is tiny.

When Baekhyun first landed his gaze onto the petite psychiatrist, he remembered what Jongdae had said and had to bite down onto his lip to stop himself from snickering. Sehun had taken the day off to accompany him for his appointment, of course only after Baekhyun reasoned that he needed to see Dr. Kim for both their sakes. Sehun was doubtful it would help, but Baekhyun had talked him into agreeing and letting him go.

It was a Friday afternoon where they found themselves seated on one of those classy white sofas they decorated the office with. Minseok was friendly, greeting them both with a wide smile and cheeks puffing up that reminded Baekhyun of buns. Adorable buns. He thought they would make great friends if Minseok isn't gay and wasn't accused of molesting. He smiled back with an equal friendliness, however, dropping a kiss onto Sehun's cheek when he was asked to follow Minseok into his office for their actual appointment.

Minseok's office is huge (for a man so tiny), painted in white and decorated in a way a doctor's office would look like. Baekhyun took a few minutes studying the interior, smiling again when Minseok offered him to seat on one of the couches present in the room. He took a seat, nervous and trying hard to calm himself down. Jongdae did say it wouldn't end badly and Minseok's a doctor, so he wouldn't be the one judging. Except Baekhyun grew a little embarrassed as he continued to think of how he should start. His dependency on Sehun would definitely show and what if it actually wasn't a matter of the mind but the heart?

"So how can I help you today, Mr Byun?" Minseok started, taking a seat on another couch just opposite Baekhyun, looking professional and just like those psychiatrists he sees on TV.

Baekhyun cleared his throat, pursing his lips as he thought through what exactly to say. Minseok looked so sincere as he waited for Baekhyun to speak and it made him smile somehow, a little at ease as he began to explain his problem. Minseok listened intently, taking down notes when necessary and nodding occasionally to tell Baekhyun that he understands where Baekhyun was coming from. Letting it all out helped a lot, and Baekhyun realized this when he felt the weight lift off his chest by the time he finished saying his part.

Minseok hummed, tapping the back of his pen against his chin in thought as he leaned back and crossed his legs. "Well, from what you told me, I understand that there is this fear that is constantly bothering you and this urged you to assure your partner that you love him. Did something happen before to make you so afraid you would lose him again?"

Something tugged at Baekhyun's chest at the reminder of his regretful past, hesitating as his breath caught in his throat. Minseok reads him clearly, smiling softly at him as he nodded. "I understand that it might be uncomfortable but Baekhyun, I can only help you if you're willing to help yourself. And you can by opening up. That way, it would be easier for me to help."

He's a psychiatrist. He meets crazy people every day so I doubt he would actually judge you. Jongdae's voice echoed in his head and he guessed that it was actually okay to tell Minseok. He smiled hesitantly, playing with the hem of his shirt. "Sehun and I, we were lovers for a very long time..." Baekhyun began to tell the story of his life for the last twelve years, from how he got together with Sehun to how he betrayed Sehun's trust. Like before, Minseok listened carefully, no trace of judgemental look ever crossing his features and Baekhyun figured he must have heard worst stories than of a man who cheated.

Baekhyun was a sobbing mess by the time he finished, a crumpled piece of tissue in hand as he constantly jabbed at his eyes. Having to tell the story verbally brought fresh memories and it was too much for him. He thinks he's pathetic because through it all, it was Sehun who had hurt the most. It was him who had hurt Sehun the most. Yet the only time he had seen Sehun cry was the day he left Sehun behind even after the boy begged him to stay.

The psychiatrist came back with a cup of tea, handing it over for Baekhyun to drink. Minseok flashed him the softest of smiles that somehow made him feel better, and in the midst of it, Baekhyun wondered if Minseok was born to be what he is today. He clutched onto the tissue paper in his hand after taking a sip of the tea, waiting for Minseok to say something. The older man sighed, lips pursed as if he's rephrasing his words in his head.

"Baekhyun, I understand what you're going through. As your doctor, I would say that it is a normal state of the mind. It's human to be afraid and you are human, like I am." Minseok's smile seemed almost apologetic and as he sat next to Baekhyun, the jokes he had shared with Jongdae about Minseok seemed to have disappeared altogether. "But if I were to speak as a friend, and I consider myself as one because Sehun and I have grown closer over the year and I know certain things about him enough to tell you this."

The sniffling boy stared at Minseok, nervous to hear what the psychiatrist was going to tell him. He steadied his breathing, the silence too overwhelming and he pleaded with his eyes for Minseok to say something. Minseok smiled again, a hand squeezing Baekhyun's shoulder. "It's more of a friendly advice. I want you to look him in the eye the next time these urges visit you. I want you to tell him that you love him while you're looking into his eyes. Make sure he's looking right back into yours. Make sure he believes you. The eyes tell so many stories, Baekhyun. They spill secrets that the mouth kept hidden."

Baekhyun blinked, Minseok's every word registering slowly in his head. Minseok stood up and guided him along, bring him towards the door and marking it the end of their appointment. "You have to keep in mind that not all secrets are bad. Sometimes they exist to protect someone. And who knows, maybe you're protected by it right now. You'll be okay, Baekhyun. I don't see why you should stop telling him how you feel and even if it was tampering with both of your sleeping patterns, I suggest that you might want to prescribe to some sleeping pills, but I heard from Jongdae that you won't be needing any."

The door opened just as Minseok finished speaking, revealing a smiling Sehun whose smile disappeared just as soon as he noticed Baekhyun's swollen eyes and reddened nose. Baekhyun was silent even as he watched Sehun approached him, an arm wrapped around his shoulders and thanking Minseok for today. His thoughts are all over the place and he wants to ask Sehun if he was keeping anything from him but he was struck speechless, silent.

 

The routine continued. Bekhyun still found himself awake at 05:06 in the morning, waking Sehun up every time just to say the three words. He had taken Minseok's advice to heed, making sure to look into Sehun's eyes every time he said it and Minseok was right; there were things that reflected in those brown optics but he couldn't figure out what they were and he was too afraid of wasting time asking. So he clutched onto the front of Sehun's shirt, listening to Sehun's heartbeat as the taller male assured him with whispered words of love.

It wasn't helping Sehun get the sleep he needed, however, because he was growing tired as the days go by. Baekhyun noticed the little changes that was happening to Sehun; things like how he sleeps an hour earlier than he used to or his loss of appetite. The dishes Baekhyun cooked for them both always ended up in the fridge, becoming leftovers that would eventually get thrown into the trash. Baekhyun was never a good eater, but he knew Sehun was. Whenever Baekhyun made special Korean dishes, Sehun would compliment his cooking and finish the whole bowl. But ever since the changes in Sehun, the compliments still came, but there were more leftoevers than there had ever been the last few years.

He noticed the dark that rimmed Sehun's eyes as well. He was concerned but Sehun is a stubborn man, refusing to take off days from work to consult a doctor, claiming that he's as healthy as a horse. He had smiled at Baekhyun so adorably whenever Baekhyun uses his serious tone, getting away from having to go to the clinic every time. Baekhyun assured himself that Sehun would be okay sooner or later and for a couple of weeks, he was sure.

It was in early March when Sehun randomly requested Jongdae to take care of Byeon-ui Iyagi so he could take Baekhyun out. One of our rare dates, he had said when Baekhyun asked, hands clasped together as he pulled the smaller male towards the flower garden that was open for visitors. It was rare indeed; Baekhyun remembered the last time they actually went out on a real date, not the ones where they get dinner together or stay up all night. He cherished every moment, of course, but he had missed those days where they would spend with only each other and knowing Sehun had taken the day off just for that made Baekhyun happy.

They held hands in the growing crowd, Baekhyun's head resting comfortably onto Sehun's shoulder. The stares were obvious but neither Sehun nor Baekhyun bothered to care. It felt as though there was this bubble that warmed up Baekhyun's heart, unable to lose the smile that adorned his face from the moment Sehun had brought him here. The atmosphere was just perfect; not too hot and not too cold and they continued to hold hands while sharing an ice cream cone, Sehun occasionally scooping a spoon to feed Baekhyun with.

"This place is perfect, Sehun." Baekhyun said after a minute of soothing silence, hands hooked around one of Sehun's arms and stopping to admire a particular garden of orchids. "Thank you for making time for me and for us. The flowers are beautiful."

Sehun's smile was, like the flowers that surround them, blooming, showering Baekhyun with waves of love and affection. One of the taller's hands came up to caress Baekhyun's cheek, voice calm in a slight whisper. Baekhyun likes that most about Sehun; the way he whispers the things he compliments Baekhyun with only for him to hear. "Not as beautiful as you. And I would always make time for you, baby. I was afraid we were losing so much of it."

"Don't worry about time, Sehun. We have the whole of our lives ahead of us. We'll make it." Somewhere at the back of his head, Baekhyun remembered Sehun saying the exact words to him. He believes. He believes Sehun most. We'll make it.

The taller boy's smile faltered, for the briefest of seconds but Baekhyun had seen it. Sehun was quick to retrieve it, however, smiling again as if it hadn't changed anything. Masking his emotions was what Baekhyun noticed Sehun had mastered long ago when they had met again, smiling to hide the hurt in his eyes. Baekhyun knew Sehun was not to be blamed for he had been the reason to why his boyfriend had mastered such skill, but he wished Sehun could trust him again and enough to not hide his feelings from Baekhyun.

"Still, we have to cherish every moment, right?" Sehun spoke, his voice soft. "We'll make as much time as we can, even if we do have the rest of our lives ahead of us. I wouldn't want to waste a chance at spending time with you if given the opportunity."

Baekhyun squeezed Sehun's arm gently, tugging him down so he could kiss Sehun's lips without having to stand on his toes. "We will have the rest of our lives ahead of us, Sehun. Unless you plan to leave me, of course. Are you planning to leave me?"

He regretted saying them as soon as he had, however, because he had never seen Sehun look so offended in the many years that they had known each other. Sehun's chuckle came out humorlessly, almost sad rather, but the offended look that had colored his face was gone in an instant. "I would never wish to leave you, Baek. Let alone plan to. Even if I do leave, it won't be my choice. I love you too much to let you go. Love is selfish just as it is selfless."

His eyes fluttered shut just as Sehun's thumb brushed across his lower lip, leaning into the touch before opening his eyes again to study every curve and line of Sehun's face. He already remembered them by heart but it didn't stop him from carving them into memory over and over again. For a moment, Baekhyun wondered why Sehun continued to love him. "I love you so much too, Sehun. With my life. I know I have done many things in the past to make you doubt my love for you and I will make it up to you if only I knew how -"

Sehun hushed him, shaking his head and smiling lovingly at him before he leaned in to press a kiss onto Baekhyun's forehead. "I don't doubt your love for me, Baekhyun. And you don't have to make up to me or whatever it is that you think you should do. I know you love me. To forgive you means to trust you again, and I've frogiven you a long time ago."

A sob ripped from within Baekhyun's throat, the tears he didn't know had pooled in his eyes falling down his cheeks as soon as he blinked. The emotions that filled him were overwhelming and Baekhyun thinks he doesn't deserve the kind of love that Sehun had showered him with. Sehun wrapped his arms around Baekhyun to pull him into an embrace, hugging his head to his chest and running a palm down Baekhyun's dark hair to calm him down. He could feel Sehun kissing his head a few times as he steadied his breathing, arms secured around Sehun for it was the only thing that could assure him he would be alright.

It could have been hours of Sehun holding him like that in the garden, Baekhyun wasn't sure. He only knew that he had calmed down after awhile, and he wasn't sobbing embarrassingly anymore. He pulled back only when he was sure that he was okay again, smiling up at Sehun with red-rimmed eyes and a hiccup. "I love you. Promise you won't leave me, okay?"

Sehun flashed him a sheepish grin this time, unlike the sad ones that he had been wearing all day. Baekhyun loves this side of Sehun the most, the side of which Sehun is adorable and he smiles so cheekily as if he's seventeen years old again and Baekhyun remembered exactly why he had smiled when Sehun kissed him for the first time twelve years ago and kissed him back instead of pushing him away. Because Sehun had been able to put him back together so quickly after he was shattered apart the moment his father left him. Sehun was there all those times as they both grow up. Sehun knows him more than he knows himself.

With a soft peck to his lips, Sehun nodded and parted his own. "I prom-" He was cut short, however, by the ripple of cough that erupted from his chest. Sehun pulled back on instinct so he wasn't coughing right at Baekhyun's face, but Baekhyun could feel a splatter of something that touched his cheeks at Sehun's first cough. His brows knitted in a frown, concern etched on his features as he patted Sehun's back in hopes it would ease down his coughing. Sehun coughed into his fist, the sound an excruciatingly painful one that made Baekhyun cringe.

The coughing fit stopped after a few seconds, and Sehun's eyes first caught the sight of Baekhyun's face. Baekhyun watched his boyfriend closely, noticing the way Sehun's eyes widened before they landed onto his fist. Baekhyun's gaze followed and he gasped upon seeing the red splatters of blood on Sehun's hand and he touched his face to see if the liquid that had touched his cheeks were Sehun's blood. Like an instinct, Baekhyun's first reaction was to fish his handkerchief from his pocket, wiping at his cheeks before he carefully cleaned off Sehun's bloodied fist. He didn't even know he was crying until Sehun stopped him.

"Shh," Sehun said, desperately trying to calm Baekhyun down. His lips were red. They're red and Baekhyun couldn't look away. "It's okay, Baek. I'm okay. I'm alright. We'll go home now, okay? I'll tell Luhan I can't go back to the office and Jongdae can take care of the shop."

Baekhyun doesn't know why Sehun was assuring him with his words; he wasn't the one coughing blood a few seconds ago. But Baekhyun only nodded, and he took a moment to wipe away the red on Sehun's lips. They wouldn't go away and Baekhyun's about to break into a sobbing mess again because why isn't it going away? when Sehun hushed him again.

He was silent in the car as Sehun drove them home, playing with his fingers as he eyed the buildings they passed. A million questions run through his head.

It was only when Sehun stopped the car that he dared to ask.

"Sehun, what's happening to you?"

 

Sehun is lying to him. Baekhyun knows it because Sehun wouldn't look him in his eyes when he said that nothing was happening to him. He had been silent on the way up their apartment, ignoring Baekhyun's question until the door closed and Baekhyun asked again. Baekhyun could feel anger rise up his throat. He wanted Sehun to be honest with him, he wanted to be someone Sehun could go to if something went wrong.

Didn't he say that when he forgave Baekhyun, he trusted Baekhyun once again? Why is he hiding something now, when something is obviously wrong?

"Don't lie to me, Sehun." Baekhyun said firmly, approaching Sehun who had dropped himself onto the couch. "I thought you said you trusted me. Why are you lying to me now?"

The taller boy sighed, elbows on his knees as he massaged his temples. "I'm not lying to you, Baek. I do trust you. Nothing's wrong with me, I promise. I'm just tired, that's all."

Baekhyun refused to buy it. He wasn't stupid. "Tired people don't cough out blood, Sehun." He could feel a sob threaten to slip past his lips; he was scared of possibilities, he was scared of being alone again. He bit onto his lower lip before he sat next to the taller boy, clutching onto his arm. "Are you sick? Please tell me if you are. We'll get you treated somewhere. We can afford it, Sehun. You have to be well for us to grow old together. You can't leave me."

It seemed as though he no longer had control over himself, because the sob that had built up in his chest spilled from his lips, and Baekhyun is burying his face into Sehun's chest as the taller man wrapped his arms around Baekhyun's petite frame. "I won't leave you," Sehun whispered into his hair, rubbing his arms to soothe him down. "I will never leave you. I'm fine, Baekhyun. I'll be fine as long as I have you. I promise, okay? I promise."

He remembered nodding, closing his eyes with a hand clutching onto the front of Sehun's shirt and calming down his breathing from Sehun's soothing caress. His mind was going hazy from the questions that run through his head. He wanted to know so many things that he knew Sehun was hiding from him. He wished he could crack open Sehun's thick skull and read every thought and wishes he had ever made. But he knows that asking Sehun won't get him any answers. He needed to think of a way to find out. He needs to know.

Baekhyun sighed as he loosened his hold from the grip he had on Sehun's shirt, fluttering his eyes shut for a brief second when he felt the taller kiss the crown of his head. Sehun shifted a little and Baekhyun took it as a sign that he should probably move. He pulled back to look at his boyfriend, who smiled at him and said that he needed to take a quick shower and that he would meet Baekhyun in their room, disappearing into the bathroom without another word.

It was only five minutes later that Baekhyun heard the water running. He swallowed the sudden lump that grew within his throat, conflicted on whether or not he should join Sehun in the shower. He neared the bathroom with careful steps, a hand reaching out to close around the doorknob when he heard it. There was that series of coughing fit again before the teary sounds came. The shower was loud, but not loud enough to drown out the sounds of what could only be Sehun's sobs. Baekhyun could feel his own sob rising, brows knitting into a frown as he leaned against the door, sliding down against it with his eyes closed. It was painful, to know that something is wrong but Sehun wouldn't trust him enough to tell him.

He didn't know how long he sat there hugging his knees to his chest with his head buried in his arms and listened to the running water mixed with Sehun's coughs and sobs. After about an hour, Baekhyun got back up onto his feet and disappeared into their room, changing into clothes to get ready for bed. Seeing that Sehun was still in the shower even after he was ready, Baekhyun slipped under the covers and waited until he heard the opening of the bathroom door and his, flashing Sehun the realest smile he could muster.

Sehun was only clad in his boxer briefs and a worn out t-shirt Baekhyun recognized from back when they were in high school. It made him smile for real this time, and he reached out for Sehun with grabby hands until Sehun was grinning at him before he took Baekhyun's hands in his as he slipped under the covers next to Baekhyun. He adjusted enough so Baekhyun could rest his head on his chest, an arm wrapped around the smaller's shoulders. Baekhyun closed his eyes as he listened to Sehun's calm heartbeat, moving his hand so he could lace his fingers with Sehun's free ones and they lay in silence for a few minutes.

It was Sehun who broke the silence, voice hoarse from what Baekhyun knew was his sobbing earlier in the shower. "Baek, do you remember what I said about love being selfish just as it is selfless?"

Baekhyun tightened his hold onto Sehun's fingers. "I remember."

"Like I said," Sehun continued and Baekhyun could feel that same sad smile lingering on his lips. "I'm selfish in a way that I could never let you go because I love you too much. But... at the same time, I would let you go if you still loved him. Chanyeol, I mean. I would let you go if it means you'd be happy. Your happiness means the most to me."

There was a crack that came from within his chest and Baekhyun was sure Sehun heard it from the way he tensed up, jerking his head to the side so he could glare at Sehun. He wants to be mad, but Sehun's smiling at him and Sehun's reaching out to brush back a strand of his hair behind his ear. Baekhyun could feel his lips quivering. "I am happy, right now with you. I can't love anyone else as much as I love you. So please, please don't let me go. My place is here beside you, with you, in your arms. I can't imagine being anywhere else."

That earned him a kiss on his forehead that his eyes fluttered shut to, briefly, before he once again lost himself in the intensity of Sehun's gaze. The taller boy pursed his lips, as if to stop a sob from parting through them and he pulled Baekhyun's head to his head again, holding him close. Baekhyun squeezed his eyes shut again, pressing himself close against Sehun as if afraid he would wake up alone. There was a strong urge to cry; he could feel the staccato of Sehun's breathing as he tried with all his might to stop his tears. Baekhyun wished Sehun would shed tears in front of him but he continued to stay there against Sehun.

Later that night, when Sehun thought he had fallen asleep, Baekhyun watched through one eye as Sehun cried again. He's up in a sitting position, hands covering his face but Baekhyun knew he was crying from the way his shoulders shook. He wanted to reach out and hold Sehun close to him, make him spill whatever it is that he was hiding, but he dared not to and he painfully watched Sehun sob into his hands. Why does it hurt so much?

Afterwards as the clock struck 05:06 in the morning, it was Baekhyun's turn to be awake and this time he didn't wake Sehun up with him. He carded his fingers through Sehun's brown hair and watched him sleep, smiling at the small smile that played at Sehun's lips. He kissed Sehun on his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, his lips. Again, and again, and again until he was broken down into a crying mess because he was afraid of something he doesn't even know. He was afraid of something that shouldn't ever cross his mind.

 

Dreams can be like a piece of clue in treasure hunts, Minseok tells him when they met for their third appointment. He mentioned them being guidelines, but only sometimes because most other times they are just things to fill up your dreamless sleep. So when Baekhyun woke up in the middle of March a week after Sehun's unknown breakdown after a dream of Sehun bringing him to that grass-ey space kind of meadow that they went to when he first met Sehun again at court, Baekhyun had the perfect idea; one that would allow him to find out Sehun's problem.

He remembered the visit down memory lane as they lay on the grass, staring up at the sky. He was hoping they could do it again and even though he knew there was really nothing much he could gain from it, Baekhyun wanted to see if there would be things Sehun might say that would clue him in. He desperately wants to know what was going on and although it hurts that Sehun wouldn't tell him, he was certain that it was kept a secret for a reason.

Sehun had willingly said yes when he asked, smiling knowingly as he nodded that Saturday afternoon before he urged Baekhyun to get changed so they could get going. He knew Sehun likes moments like this. The last time they had been to the place, it was Sehun's idea of cheering him up and making him talk. Baekhyun thought he could do the same. He figured he would also like to spend the night this way, calm with the soft wind blowing at their skin.

It was half past nine when Baekhyun found himself wrapped in Sehun's lanky but warm arms, holding him close to his chest as they lay on the grass. The night was cold and Baekhyun was glad he had worn extra layers, but it didn't stop him from shivering. Sehun noticed this, and being the gentleman that he had always been, he had shrugged his sweater off so he could shield Baekhyun from the cold. If he was cold, he didn't show it. You're warm, he said.

They stayed silent for a long time, enjoying the calm breeze of the wind and Baekhyun closing his eyes from Sehun's occasional kisses placed upon his forehead. In return, he traced invisible patterns onto the back of Sehun's hand that rested on his stomach. He was finding the right time to ask and start the topic and it was when he realized it was getting late that he should pick up his courage and do it before Sehun tires and asks to go home.

"Sehun?" At the call of his name, Sehun only hummed and Baekhyun took it as a sign to continue. “What were you thinking about three days ago?”

Baekhyun lifted up his head to look at Sehun's face, grinning when he saw a knowing smile color Sehun's lips. He had obviously remembered this very conversation; sometime three years ago and another back when they were ten. Sehun hummed again, thinking. "I was thinking about Byeon-ui Iyagi and how I wanted to open another branch in Gyeonggi-do. Bucheon, most probably. What about you?"

There was a leap in his heart at the mention of opening another branch and Baekhyun placed a kiss onto Sehun's cheek for it. "I was thinking about getting a dog for a pet." He chuckled, seeing as it would be impossible to take care of another living thing due to their schedule. “What do you think we’ll be doing when we turn fifty?”

He made sure to look at Sehun's expression when he asked, noticing the fall of Sehun's face at the question and how his smile quivered just a little. Sehun cleared his throat, his hold around Baekhyun tightening a little, voice shaky. "I.. Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe we'd already be grandparents. I'd be retiring soon so I could spend more time with you and you would already have let our foster child take over your business, nobody knows."

Maybe.

Sehun sounded tired and Baekhyun buried his face into the taller's clothed chest so he could hide his disappointment. He had expected to hear a different answer, a more positive one than the one Sehun had said. He wanted to hear Sehun say that they would be spending more time together, without adding the 'maybe'. Baekhyun sighed, holding back a sob.

“What are you thinking about now?”

At this, he could hear Sehun's smile when the taller spoke. "Us. I'm thinking about us."

He decided that doing this hadn't provided him with anything as a clue to what was happening to Sehun. In fact, the whole thing had only made him sad again. Perhaps it was Minseok's advice that told him not to dwell on things that are meant to be little that made him tell himself that Sehun would be okay. That they would be okay.

But it could also be that Baekhyun had never been good with accepting reality.

 

March is ending in about a week and time, to Baekhyun, was passing by rather quickly.

The next time he saw Chanyeol was when he was on the way home from Byeon-ui Iyagi, literally bumping into each other with mutters of whispered apologies. It was Baekhyun who smiled first, it being in his nature, and Chanyeol hesitantly returned it with his very own curl of the lips. Chanyeol looked different yet again from the last time he visited Baekhyun's shop, this time looking more mature with his dark hair that had grown over the weeks. Good kind of different, Baekhyun decided, and he couldn't help but smile wider at this positive change.

Baekhyun lost track of time after he accepted Chanyeol's offer to treat him for some tea at the nearest cafe. For the first time in a very long time, Baekhyun found the joy and comfort of conversing with Chanyeol. He remembered the first time he had called Chanyeol for coffee, losing himself in a conversation about nothing and everything. Chanyeol still had that tiny dimple whenever he pursed his lips in thought. And his laughter, although not as lively as Baekhyun remembered, was still infectious because it had Baekhyun laughing as well.

There was just something about the way Chanyeol speaks, full of live and meaning and Baekhyun found himself gazing at the giant with admiration and adoration and... He wasn't sure of it himself but he no longer wondered why he had fallen for the other male so many years ago. He doesn't doubt his feelings; he was sure that he doesn't feel anything for Chanyeol anymore. It was a relief, however, to be able to forgive Chanyeol. There was only one other person he has yet to forgive; himself. He wondered how much longer it would take.

"Imjado was great," Chanyeol was saying, a genuine smile coloring his lips. "I honestly had fun there. Me and my team managed to catch some fishes while we're on the boat. You might think fishing is boring but the joy of actually catching one was real. We had a great time. The place itself was amazing. You should find some time in the future and bring Sehun along. I could show you around. I've been there more times than one so you could trust me on directions." Chanyeol wiggled his brows in a smug gesture, chuckling right after.

Baekhyun shook his head, laughing as well before taking a sip of his tea. "I'll make sure to mention that to Sehun very soon. We really need a vacation. You seem to really like Imjado."

Chanyeol's face fell at Baekhyun's last sentence, pursing his lips and letting his gaze fall onto his empty cup. When he looked back up at Baekhyun, his eyes were rimmed a little red as he cleared his throat. "Imjado is... a very special place to me. There were a lot of memories. Jongin was born in Imjado and he brought me there a few years ago. We spent a lot of our time there, with his parents and his friends. Jongin was amazing."

He should not have asked further, but Baekhyun was curious. "Jongin is...?"

"My boyfriend." Chanyeol's answer came immediately, voice cracking and hesitant, almost guilty. "You've seen him before, when you caught me cheating on you."

"Oh," Surprisingly, the memory brought no pain to Baekhyun. "You must have loved him."

Baekhyun couldn't remember ever seeing Chanyeol look so lost, so broken. When Chanyeol accidentally let out a sob through parted lips, he chuckled humorlessly at himself. "I did. I do love him. I love him very much. I think I always will and I think you know what I mean."

He thought about Sehun at Chanyeol's words, about how even after he had fallen in love with Chanyeol, he was still thinking about Sehun and not just because he was guilty. A shaky breath escaped Baekhyun's lips, a burn in his eyes as he blinked. "I think I do."

"Do you know what the hardest part about losing someone was?" Chanyeol continued and upon Baekhyun's shake of his head, he breathed out a similar shaky breath, dropping his head as he took about a minute collecting himself. He sniffled, eyes red. "It's knowing that you can never hold them anymore, no matter how much you wished you could. You can't tell them you love them and have them say it back to you. They're gone but at the same time they're still here. You can feel them, but you can't see them. It's painful."

Chanyeol was crying openly now, streaks of tears staining his cheeks and he only wiped at them once. Baekhyun could feel Chanyeol's heartbreak and he felt his lips quivering as well at the emotions the giant was portraying. Wiping his cheeks again, Chanyeol continued. "I wished I had more time to tell him that I love him. I wished he knew how important he was to me. When I lost him, I lost everything else, Baek. I lost everything."

They didn't speak of it anymore as Chanyeol walked Baekhyun home, silence weighing down between them. Baekhyun wanted to tell Chanyeol that it would be okay, that the fact Chanyeol was still standing now only means that he will be okay. But who is he to speak, when all he does was wake up in the early hours of morning just to make sure Sehun knows of his love, just to make sure he won't lose Sehun again? Baekhyun had no right to it. He doubts he could be as strong as Chanyeol looked tonight if he lost Sehun again.

He had no specific idea of what had happened to Jongin, but he wouldn't punish Chanyeol with anymore questions. Upon reaching the front of his apartment building's entrace, they stopped and Baekhyun took this chance to reach up and wrap his arms around Chanyeol in hopes the embrace would comfort the taller. Chanyeol returned his embrace with slight pressure, and they pulled away only to stare into each other's eyes. Baekhyun smiled, a hand clutching onto Chanyeol's sleeve as he tiptoed and placed a kiss onto the giant's cheek.

"Want to know something?" Baekhyun asked, letting go of Chanyeol's arm.

"Sure."

Baekhyun flashed him another tired grin, "I'm sure Jongin knows just how much you love him and how much he means to you. You have a great way of showing it, I know."

Recognition colored Chanyeol's features in an instance and he smiled at what Baekhyun knew would be a memory of how good he was at showing his affection for Baekhyun, back when he hadn't turned into a complete . There was a mixture of content and sadness in Baekhyun's chest as he continued to smile up at the giant, pursing his lips to stop them from trembling. His memories are fresh and he remembers every moment of which Chanyeol had held him and made him feel loved, wanted and he was sure Jongin had felt the same.

The taller male shed another tear that he hastily wiped away. "You know, I really am sorry for what I did to you. You deserve so much more. And I need you to know that I did love you, even if it was only for a short while. We were sins, but not a lie."

Baekhyun nodded, reaching up to playfully ruffle Chanyeol's dark curls. "I know. We were our regrets but it was real. I know it was real. I forgive you, Chanyeol."

Another humorless chuckle left Chanyeol's lips, "I haven't forgiven myself."

Neither have I.

 

The first thing Baekhyun saw when he turned around after watching Chanyeol disappear into the night was Sehun waiting for him in the apartment's lobby. He shouldn't feel guilty at this moment, because going out for coffee with his ex-husband wasn't considered cheating and Sehun was smiling at him so why did his heart beat too fast? But then he remembered hugging Chanyeol and giving Chanyeol's cheek a kiss and ruffling Chanyeol's hair and he realized that friends don't do that after a coffee session and he figured Sehun must have seen them all. The guilt of his past plaqued at him and Baekhyun didn't like it.

Sehun had chuckled then, reaching a hand out for Baekhyun to take. "Babe, why do you look so scared? It's just me."

A sigh of relief escaped Baekhyun's lips and his shoulders relaxed. Maybe Sehun hadn't seen but that would make him feel worst. "What time is it? I completely forgot about time. I'm sorry." He smiled apologetically while his hand clasp with Sehun's, the taller pulling him into the elevator.

"It's almost ten. Don't worry about it. You haven't talked to Chanyeol for quite awhile so I understand. Where did you go, though?"

Althout there was no doubt in Sehun's voice, Baekhyun still tensed as the door of the elevator opened on their floor. So Sehun did see him with Chanyeol. Baekhyun clamped his lips together, following Sehun out and they headed towards home. He cleared his throat, wetting his suddenly dry lips. "How long were you standing there?"

The door of the apartment opened and then the lights came on. "Long enough,"

"It's not what you think," Baekhyun started, ready to defend himself.

Sehun chuckled again, shaking his head as he closed the door. "Baek, baby, I wasn't thinking anything. I didn't want to interrupt so I just waited inside. Although, I think my heart did weigh a little heavier when you kissed his cheek. But that's okay, he looked like he needed some sort of comfort."

Baekhyun watched as Sehun shrugged off his jacket and abandoned it on the table, settling onto the couch before he spreaded his arms for Baekhyun to fall into. Baekhyun hesitated, afraid that Sehun was just disregarding his anger but the smile that adorned Sehun's face brought on Baekhyun's own and he flopped down into the space next to Sehun, quickly draping an arm over Sehun's torso and resting his head onto Sehun's shoulder. The taller male the TV and they fell in silence for a minute or two.

"Chanyeol's lost a big part of himself, Sehun." Baekhyun started, lacing his fingers with Sehun's and playing with the digits. He didn't know why there was a need to tell Sehun this; maybe ot was because he needed to explain exactly what they were talking about or maybe because he knew Sehun would understand. His voice, when he continued, cracked just a little bit. "He's changed now. He isn't how I remembered him to be, or at least during the last year of our marriage. He's like the guy I met at the herbal store again, kind and understanding, only wiser now. So much wiser."

Sehun's breathing was calm, heart beat steady against his chest. He hadn't interrupted, listening carefully to every word Baekhyun was saying. Baekhyun was lost again in his memories, closing his eyes as images of the past flashed behind closed lids. He only realized that he should not have let himself get lost om the past when he heard Sehun coughing.

When he pulled away to look into Sehun's eyes, he could see that Sehun had made a conclusion, the taller smiling softly. "You missed him."

"I missed what I thought we had," Baekhyun was quick to correct Sehun, squeezing Sehun's hand in his. "I don't miss him. I don't miss what we went through, good or bad. It's just that, for a very long time, I was tormented with questions of why I had even fallen for him in the first place, enough to forget you."

Hurt flashed across Sehun's features, brows knitted in a frown as his hold onto Baekhyun's hand loosened. Baekhyun regretted his words immediately, not wishing to bring back the painful memories to Sehun but he needed to say it. He needed to let it out. "He is a good guy, Sehun. It was my lack of faith that pushed me to him. I love you, more than anything else. But for that moment, I was blinded by temptation, desperate for someone to hold me and I missed you so, so much."

Pausing to steady his breathing, Baekhyun lifted Sehun's hand to kiss the back of it, pressing it against his cheek with his eyes closed. "I love you, Sehun. I love you so much. I have never loved Chanyeol, or anyone else, as much as I love you. If you leave me, I will end, Sehun. I can't live without you."

Sehun shook his head a little frantically, pulling his hand back so he could cup Baekhyun's face with both. His eyes were glassy, frown a little deeper. "You can't make me your life, Baekhyun. You can't. I know you love me. I'm very happy that you do," Sehun sniffled, a lone tear falling down his cheek. Baekhyun frowned, confused as he searched Sehun's face. It was the first time Sehun had cried openly since the day Baekhyun left him behind. "I love you so much too. But I will leave one day, I just don't know when, nobody does. And I wouldn't want you to end if I had to go first. You can love me more than you love anything else, but you can't  make me your worth more than your life."

"But, Sehun -" Baekhyun wanted to reason but Sehun cut him off.

"I don't want you to," Sehun said firmly, cheeks stained with tear trails as he pulled Baekhyun in for a hard kiss on his lips. He kissed Baekhyun again, and then again, and again, breathing a little harder after each kiss. "I love you very much, Baekhyun. I want you to be happy, no matter what. Because if you're happy, I am too."

Baekhyun wanted to protest, argue, because Sehun is his life and nothing could changer that. But every time his lips parted to speak, Sehun would cut him off with a kiss, deeper each time until Baekhyun's reduced to a gooey mess with kiss-swollen lips and he gave up trying.

They didn't get anywhere further than just kissing and Baekhyun didn't mind; he was content with Sehun holding him on the couch, a random drama playing on TV. He had kissed away the wet trails of tears on Sehun's cheeks and they sat in silence in the living room even as the clock struck twelve. Baekhyun wondered in silence if Sehun was, in fact, leaving him and when he was close to breaking down into sobs, Baekhyun closed his eyes and breathed.

"Honey," Sehun paused and Baekhyun hummed in response. "I have loved you for so long, it would be impossible for me to ever stop. I want you to remember that no matter what. I always want the best for you. Promise me you'll continue to be happy, even if I'm gone." Sehun rubbed soothing circles onto Baekhyun's clothed shoulder, occasionally placing a kiss onto the crown of his head. "Please be happy for me."

Baekhyun sighed, letting out a shaky breath as he nodded. He figured there would be no need to argue. "I promise, Sehun. Only because I know it won't be anytime soon. You won't leave me so soon."

"That's what I hoped for," Sehun smiled, carding fingers through Baekhyun's hair. "I want a lot more time with you. I want to grow old with you and travel with you. I want to do a lot of things with you. If time permits, there are many things I have planned."

There was a weight on Baekhyun's chest that made breathing almost impossible for him. He clutched tighter onto Sehun's shirt, squeezing his eyes shut for he could no longer hold back the tears that threatened to fall. An almost silent sob escaped his lips and the tears fell down his cheeks as he pressed his face further into Sehun's chest. For about five minutes, Baekhyun continued to cry, not ready to ever loose hold onto the boy whose arms tightened around him.

Sehun's kisses were soft like the first drops of rain that touched his skin, delicate like a flower, fragile like glass. Baekhyun breathed in the soft scent that Sehun carries, calming himself down from his outburst and it helped. Sehun is like fresh air; the kind that Baekhyun needs for when it was hard to breathe. And he shed more tears over the fact that Sehun seemed insistant that he would be gone one day. His chest weighed heavier at the thought that he would wake up alone, cold at 05:06 in the morning, and Sehun won't be beside him.

He wished he knew what goes on in Sehun's head and he thought about all the things they could do if only Sehun would tell him. They stayed in the comfortable silence until Baekhyun could feel sleep slowly claiming him. Sehun's voice when it came, lingering within Baekhyun's sleep-hazy mind, was soft and sad and Baekhyun thinks Sehun cried again.

"Will you forgive me if one day you wake up to find out that I didn't?"

 

Baekhyun missed baking. He had been so busy with Byeon-ui Iyagi that he had failed to find time to bake, something he used to do back when he just got out of high school and helping his sister at her bakery, all through the time Sehun left for Oxford until Chanyeol came into the picture. Baekhyun decided he should bake for Sehun, and gift him with a surprise visit.

Sehun seemed exhausted from his work, losing sleep from Baekhyun’s early morning routine and Baekhyun figured Sehun probably needed to loosen up despite the murder case he was handling at court. Sehun claimed to have met the accused murderer, some guy who did the tattoo art on Sehun’s finger named YiXing.

Jongdae had (begrudgingly) said yes to Baekhyun when he asked if he could look after the shop for the week. He wanted to dedicate himself to Sehun for the whole week and it shall start with the surprise visit he had planned along with the cupcakes he wanted to bake.

The whole of Monday morning was blissfully spent in the kitchen, nose covered with flour and counter tops messy. He was having too much fun just baking, mixing the ingredients with a grin on his face and a heart full of love. He had to finish up by lunch so he could catch up with Sehun and he hoped his surprise visit would make Sehun smile. It feels as though time is passing by too fast, and Baekhyun feared he would lose too much of it.

While adding a few more ingredients, his phone rang and he smiled even wider when he saw that it was Sehun. With hands busy with the mixing, Baekhyun used his free shoulder to hold the phone to his ear. “Hello, baby. Did you miss me already? You called earlier than usual.”

Sehun’s chuckle was soft, soothing and light. “I always miss you. And I think I forgot to say I love you when I left this morning, so, I love you.”

Baekhyun laughed, shaking his head even though Sehun couldn’t see him. “You’re so adorable. I love you too, Sehunnie. And you did say it when you leave for work. Will you be very busy today?”

There was some ruffling on the other side of the line and Baekhyun waited until Sehun spoke again. “I won’t be very busy today so I’d definitely come home on time for dinner. Will dinner be special tonight since you’re home?”

Baekhyun clicked his tongue, “I’ll cook something really nice, just for you. Oh, I could light up some candles. Any special request, Mr. Oh?” He teased with a wider grin on his lips, carefully pouring the mixture into cups.

“I’d love a candlelight dinner, but I think I’ll pass.” Sehun chuckled again. “You’re enough to make my everyday special, so dinner with you alone would be enough.”

Something swell within his chest and Baekhyun absently clutched at it with a hand after pushing the tray of cupcakes into the oven. It’s love, he’s pretty sure, and it comes to him every time Sehun says things like that. “You’re making me cry with all the cheese, Sehun. I’ll come up with something special for sure. You better get home on time. A hungry Byun is not a happy Byun.”

His boyfriend laughed at this and he could picture Sehun’s eye smile in his head. “I can’t wait to see you tonight. I have to go now, though. I have an appointment soon. Talk to you later, okay?”

Baekhyun had said okay before ending the call, more excited for his planned surprise visit. He prepared the cupcakes by putting them in a box, disappearing into the room to quickly come up with a card for him to write. He knew he could just say it to Sehun in person, but Baekhyun had never been truly good with expressing his feelings. So with a self-made card and a pen, Baekhyun began writing.

His smile stayed on his face as he writes, all the way through till his final full stop. Satisfied with how it looked like, Baekhyun had changed into better clothes before he left the house with the box of cupcakes and the card. He wished Sehun would love what he was about to do and he made his way to Sehun’s office with a more than usual bubbly grin.

Sehun wasn’t in his office when Baekhyun arrived and he was allowed in only because Sehun’s colleague, Luhan, knew and lets him in. The Chinese lawyer mentioned that Sehun would return in a few more minutes and Baekhyun thanked him for his help. Luhan had been his lawyer back when he had that divorce case with Chanyeol and his friendship with Sehun was genuine so Baekhyun actually really liked the guy.

He waited for about ten minutes before the door to Sehun’s office opened and Sehun came in. Baekhyun had never gotten up onto his feet so fast. In the midst of it, he clapped his hands, bursting out into a laugh when he saw Sehun jumped, literally shocked. He opened his arms as soon as Sehun grinned, running up to wrap his arms around the taller’s waist.

“Surprise!” He exclaimed into Sehun’s chest, looking at the boy and smiling up in what he hopes would look adorable. Sehun looked happier than he had been the last few weeks and Baekhyun scrunched up his face when Sehun pecked his nose, arms wound around him.

Sehun rewarded him with a brief peck on the lips. “You literally surprised me. I could have had a heart attack, you know? But thank you, I really love you.”

Baekhyun frowned while keeping his smile, playfully hitting Sehun’s shoulder as he pulled away. “You’re supposed to say ‘I really appreciate it’, not ‘I really love you’. It goes better after a thank you. But anyway, I baked you something and wrote you a card.” He (almost) shyly pulled Sehun towards his work table where he already set up the cupcakes on a plate and the card right next to it. “Read first.”

The taller boy took a seat before he playfully eyed Baekhyun, the corner of his lips tugged upwards. “Is it something you can’t say by voicing it out? Are you pregnant?”

“Oh my God, Oh Sehun!” Baekhyun gasped, reaching out to pinch Sehun’s cheek. “I’m not pregnant because that’s impossible, now read the letter.”

The laugh Sehun let out made Baekhyun smile again, and he nervously waited for Sehun to read the card he wrote. Sehun slowly opened it, clearing his throat with a frown on his forehead as he concentrated. Baekhyun facepalmed when Sehun chose to read it aloud.

“Dear Sehunnie, I’ve noticed how tired you are these days; the dark circles are showing. Firstly, I apologize for waking up at 5 every morning and waking you up as well. I thought I should do something to show how sorry I am and so that you’d know that I appreciate you. I love you very much and I want you to always remember that. Thank you for being the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for listening to me even though it’s too early to listen to any of my crap.” Sehun paused then, and Baekhyun saw his hands shake, eyes rimmed a little red.

“Thank you,” Sehun continued, swallowing. “For always being there when I need someone. Thank you for Byeon-ui Iyagi. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for giving me a second chance that I honestly don’t deserve. I want you to know how thankful I am to have you in my life. Thank you for everything.” By the time Sehun finished reading, he was already sniffling despite the smile that adorned his face.

Baekhyun clutched at his chest, smiling as well as he watched Sehun. “I wrote and baked these cupcakes with my heart. I hope you like them.” He went over to where Sehun sat to softly wipe at Sehun’s tear-streaked cheeks, kissing his temple. “You’re going to make me cry, Sehun. Stop and eat the cake.”

Sehun chuckled, tilting his head a little so he could give Baekhyun a kiss on the lips. He silently took Baekhyun’s hand and kissed his knuckles, placing the card on the table. “Thank you for these. You make me cry a lot though these days. I don’t remember being so weak.”

“You’re not weak.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes playfully, making himself comfortable on Sehun’s lap while peeling off the paper cups of one of the cupcakes. “You’re just more emotional, and you love me very much so it makes you emotional, which is totally fine.”

He hovered the cupcake at Sehun’s lips, the latter taking a bite. Sehun’s expression at the taste was heavenly and it made Baekhyun a little too happy. “I almost forgot how good you are at baking.”

The smaller man chuckled, pulling at Sehun’s arm. “We should go get lunch together, I’m craving pizza. Can we go?”

He didn’t need to put on a pout to make Sehun stand up and agree but Baekhyun had always been a natural at being adorable, so it comes to him as easy as smiling. Sehun’s smile reached his ears and Baekhyun feels a kind of accomplishment in his chest. Knowing that they are okay had made him feel so much better.

Later when they've finished dinner, Sehun had brought Baekhyun up to the apartment's rooftop and they sat near the edge where they could look down at the streets of Seoul. Baekhyun's seated between Sehun's legs, back pressed against the taller's chest and Sehun had his arms around him. They sat in silence for god knows how long, Baekhyun tracing 140506 inked in Sehun's middle finger and the latter occasionally giving Baekhyun’s temple a kiss. The night was cold but Baekhyun's warm from Sehun's hold.

The taller laced their fingers together, humming a tune Baekhyun couldn't recognise. It was soothing; however, like the breeze that caressed his skin. Sehun had put on 'Oh to My Byun' and Baekhyun smiled at the intensified scent that Sehun originally carried.

"You smell really good," He broke the silence, causing Sehun to chuckle. Baekhyun made a point by shifting slightly so he could bury his face into Sehun's chest, sighing in content. "I love you, Sehun."

Sehun hummed, "I know. I love you too, Baek. Let's be together for a long time. I'm not ready to let go yet."

A soft smile colored Baekhyun's lips, reaching a hand up to cup the side of Sehun's neck. "I'll say yes to be together for a long time. I don't want you to let me go, though. So, don't. Not ever."

The pause that Sehun took made Baekhyun look up at him, the taller quickly flashing him a similar smile. "I don't want to either. Don't worry; I won't ever let you go. You have me and I have you, right?"

Baekhyun masked his trembling lips with another grin, "Right. You and me, together for a long, long time."

Promises are made to be broken, they say.

But nobody said that he would break too.

 

The first week of April had passed quickly and Baekhyun had spent every day of it visiting Sehun at the office. Sehun's birthday would be soon and Baekhyun had secretly contacted JunHong, Sehun's brother and Tao, Sehun's best friend, to make sure they would be in town to celebrate. He had planned for a small birthday dinner and invited Kyungsoo as well as Luhan. They promised to be there and Baekhyun was more excited than Sehun might have been if he knew. Of course, Sehun had no idea.

Jongdae had volunteered to help with preparation, dragging Taehyung along with him. Baekhyun wanted it to be special, even though it won't be a grand celebration. He knows Sehun would appreciate it.

It was Saturday, eleventh if April, and Baekhyun has had everything prepared in the fridge, ready to be cooked the next day. Sehun came home from meeting his client right in time for dinner, his smile a little sad and when Baekhyun asked why, the taller only said that listening to his client's story had touched him. Baekhyun had smiled then, kissing Sehun's cheek and called him "You silly thing. You'll help them win the case, I know it."

Dinner was as usual, silent save for the small talks and random questions. Sehun finished his meal and thanked Baekhyun for the food. After the quick shower that he took, Sehun had pulled Baekhyun to bed with him, saying he was tired. Baekhyun didn't mind; he was tired too and he wanted to be up early to prepare Sehun's birthday dinner.

The plan was that Tao and JunHong would bring Sehun out for some buddy time, since they haven't had any for a long time, and Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongdae would get dinner ready. Luhan, Taehyung and Minseok would come a little later. Baekhyun was excited and he spent the silence thinking about it. He only found out Sehun wasn't asleep when the taller spoke, voice soft and a little distant.

"What are you thinking?" Sehun asked, lips pressing onto Baekhyun's cheek.

Baekhyun yawned, stretching his arms a little before draping one over Sehun's torso. He smiled tiredly, voice a mumble. "Nothing in particular. Maybe I was thinking about you. But that's all the time so it doesn't count."

Sehun chuckled, "Baekhyun?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I love you. I think I'm going to miss you a lot." Sehun sounded sad when he said it, like he was going somewhere far away. When Baekhyun frowned up at him, Sehun smiled apologetically. "Just, you know, you're going back to work and I'll be very busy with the murder case. I'll miss you."

His heart was beating a little too fast and Baekhyun didn't like it, not losing his frown when he spoke again. "Don't be silly. I'll still be home and you'll come home. There won't be any more room to miss each other."

"I guess," Sehun trailed off and they fell back into silence. Baekhyun closed his eyes and listened to Sehun's breathing, calm and soothing, and his steady heartbeat. It made him smile and his worries subside. He refused to think further because he's too excited for the next day and sleep was slowly claiming him.

But no matter how calming listening to Sehun's breathing is, Baekhyun could still feel a weight on his chest. It was hurting him and he wished it would go away. Even as his eyelids doubled from fatigue, Baekhyun couldn't sleep. He sighed, snuggled closer into Sehun. "Sehun? I love you, too."

Sehun coughed once, twice and then Baekhyun could hear his smile. "I know. You're happy, right? I make you happy, don't I?"

"Of course," Baekhyun's reply was immediate, not liking where this might lead into. "You make me the happiest, Sehun. And I thank you for it."

There was a nod from Sehun, a sofr sigh escaping his lips. Baekhyun lifted himself up into a sitting position, leaning down to kiss Sehun on the lips. They kissed slowly, almost painfully and Baekhyun had to pull away before he starts crying. The clock struck twelve, marking Sehun's birthday abd Baekhyun took the opportunity to smile, masking his worry. He pressed a peck onto Sehun's lips once, using a thumb to caress Sehun's cheek.

"Happy birthday, Sehun. I love you."

He thinks Sehun looked more beautiful than he already was that night, smiling up at him with eyes full of love and lips curled in a small smile. He wanted to cry and hold Sehun close to him, never let go but he smiled instead, despite his quivering lips and lay back down to snuggle into Sehun.

Sehun thanked him, repeatedly so while he kisses Baekhyun on his cheeks, his eyelids, his nose, his mouth. Baekhyun couldn't understand the weight that rested in his chest but he didn't want to dwell on it, so when sleep came with open arms, Baekhyun didn't hesitate.

 

He woke up again at 05:06 am, out in exhaustion as his mind registered the sight of their room. He smiled lazily, tightening his arm around Sehun's torso. With half-lidded gaze, Baekhyun began pecking Sehun's lips, cold from the chilly night. It wasn't enough to wake Sehun up and Baekhyun decided that perhaps he should wait until Sehun wakes up on his own.

He rested his head on Sehun's chest, expecting the soft thump, thump, thump of Sehun's heartbeat to fill his ears. Baekhyun jerked to as stop, frozen in his position as a hand clutched onto the front of Sehun's shirt. He lifted his head to look at his boyfriend's sleeping face. Sehun looked peaceful, the same small smile on his lips, the way he looks whenever he's asleep.

Baekhyun assured himself that it was nothing so he sighed and once again rested his head on Sehun's chest, waiting for the soft beating of Sehun's heart. He closed his eyes and tuned out the rest of the world. Suddenly the buzzing of the A/C grew too loud and the screeching of car wheels down below became too clear. Baekhyun only wanted to hear one sound but all he could hear was everything else he didn't want to.

His hand found Sehun's cold one, lacing their fingers together and squeezung to assure himself that he was imagining things. He shook Sehun a little, hoping it would wake Sehun up but Sehun didn't move. Baekhyun's breathing grew rapid and he frowned at tge ache in his chest. He called out Sehun's name once, twice, leaned down again to press his ear against Sehun's chest.

He gasped, panicking as he shook Sehun a little harder, called his name a little louder. Sehun. Sehun. Sehun. Please.

There was no heartbeat.

Sehun didn't move, even as Baekhyun shook him the hardest, kissed his lips and straddled his hips. A part of him believed that this must be some kind of a joke, that Sehun is pretending to stay asleep even as he shook him awake. Baekhyun's breathless as he hopped off the bed, stepping back in fear and shock and sorrow. It's difficult to breathe as he knelt by the side to where Sehun lay, carding fingers into Sehun’s chocolate hair. His skin is cold, so, so cold.

Baekhyun reached a hand out hesitantly, a sob building in his throat and his lips quivered as his finger hovered above Sehun’s lips, right where he would be able to feel Sehun exhale. Baekhyun waited and waited and he squeezed his eyes shut because Sehun’s breath was non-existent and Baekhyun had never been so afraid. He gingerly clutched at Sehun's arm.

"Sehun," He called, shaking the taller's arm a little harder. "Sehun, wake up. It's your birthday." He persisted even as the tears rolled down his cheeks, looking at the time, at his feet, anything but the peaceful look on Sehun's face. His hands grew weaker and he stopped shaking Sehun. "It's your birthday, Sehun. Tao and JunHong will be here really soon."

But no matter what he does, Sehun won't wake up. He stayed on his knees next to Sehun, a hand clutching one of Sehun's cold ones to his chest. Baekhyun refused to believe what his mind was telling him, stubbornly shaking his head at the voice that tells him it's over, he's gone as he dialled Jongdae's number and cried out to him with so much incoherence that Jongdae didn't bother listening and opted to just come over, panic and concern in his voice.

Baekhyun didn't know how long he waited for Jongdae to come, keeping his fingers laced with Sehun's too cold ones as he tried again and again to wake him up. It could have been hours later when Jongdae appeared, hair tousled from hours in bed. Baekhyun couldn't speak, scared as he watched Jongdae paused in the doorway.

His best friend's steps were slow as he approached them and Baekhyun scooted a little back to give room to Jongdae. He kept a tight grip onto Sehun’s hand, burying his face in between his knees, never been more afraid in his life. Still, he waited for the inevitable.

Jongdae's gasp was louder, more real than the scenes that finally registered in Baekhyun's head. He looked up to see Jongdae's tearful gaze yet his heart refused to believe what Jongdae's eyes read. Baekhyun shook his head, squeezed Sehun's hand a little harder, scooted a little closer. He couldn't see, he couldn't breathe; his cheeks are wet from his flowing tears, he just couldn't see.

Jongdae wrapped his arms around Baekhyun but the mourning man pulled away. There was a loud wail that sounds in the room, a howl of mournful cry piercing into Baekhyun's skull and it hurt not only in his head but his chest and his legs and his hands. They were weak and he struggled to get back on his knees, falling back one time too many. He wiped at his cheeks, cupping Sehun's face within his hands.

"Sehun, wake up, honey." He sobbed, kissed Sehun's lips once, "It's April 12th, it's your birthday. Everyone's going to be here for you. Sehun. Please. Don't do this to me."

But there was no life in Sehun, no rise and fall of his chest, no sounds of his breathing, nothing. Even with the faint curl of a small smile on his lips, Sehun's skin is cold against Baekhyun's and Baekhyun knows this cold, felt it on his fingertips once when his father passed. But Sehun was there then, Sehun held him when he cried and held him still when it's over.

Who would hold him now?

 

In his head, there was laughter.

In his ears, there were cheers.

Behind closed lids, there was Sehun.

Sehun smiled as his friends and family sang him a birthday song and Sehun pulled Baekhyun closer so they could kiss. In his dream, Sehun held his hand and they were happy. They were all happy. There were no tears and sorrowful cries and black suits and black dresses.

Not until Baekhyun opened his eyes.

His gaze scanned over crowd of people that surrounded Sehun's final bed, dressed in black and shielded with umbrellas from the drizzle of the rain. His vision blurred, clearing only when he blinked. His chest carried a weight so heavy he could fall under, barely standing on his own. Across him, his eyes caught sight of JunHong, jabbing handkerchief to his face with one of Tao's arms over his shoulders. Baekhyun sees Luhan and Minseok and Taehyung and Kyungsoo; all those who were supposed to be at the apartment for a birthday party instead of a funeral.

A sob escaped his slightly parted lips and Baekhyun stepped out from under the umbrella that Jongdae held above his head to drop onto his knees next to the stone that was engraved with Sehun's name. Baekhyun shamelessly let his tears fall, crying while grabbing onto the stone with a hand and another clutching at his chest. It hurt all over, it hurt so much.

"Sehun," He managed to mutter, a sob in between his words. They were all watching, the world is watching. "I love you so much. I love you so, so much." He wanted to say more but the rest were just a series of sibs and repeating Sehun's name.

He stayed on his knees until the crowd began to disperse, unable to think as he was wrapped with loneliness and loss and it had never hurt this much. Baekhyun stopped crying somehow, as the people lessen. He closed his eyes and pictured Sehun in his head, of how he last remembered him; Sehun had been smiling, tired but definitely smiling.

'You're happy, right? I make you happy, don't I?'

Sehun's words rang in Baekhyun's head, voice clear as if he was there. Baekhyun caressed Sehun's name carved on the stone, shedding another tear or two and clamping his lips together to keep from releasing another sob. He felt so lost, so empty, and it hurt so much, so much. He wants to stay forever, never leave Sehun's side but a promise at the back of his head resurfaced and Baekhyun was forced to stand up, slowly as he couldn't trust his knees.

Even as he stood, Baekhyun kept his gaze at the stone, unable to let go just yet. He's washed with images after images of Sehun, of how alone he would be later. Baekhyun startled when a voice spoke but he didn't have to look to know. He turned to face Chanyeol.

"It's not fair," Chanyeol said, staring blankly ahead. "All they ever did was love us, yet they were the ones who suffered most."

Baekhyun bit at his bottom lip, unable to hold back a sob. "Do you remember when you asked what part of losing someone is the hardest? I think I know what you mean."

A lone tear fell down Chanyeol's cheek; he wiped it away quickly. "They didn't deserve this. They deserve life. Sehun deserved to live."

He's sobbing again as he covered his mouth with a hand, refusing to look at the giant as he cried.  Sehun deserved to live. "I love him so much, Chanyeol. I don't know what to do now that he's gone. It feels as though I've lost my whole life, my reason. How is it possible that you're capable of smiling again? How did you move on?"

"I didn't, " was Chanyeol's reply.

When the giant's arms wrapped around him, Baekhyun lost all of the strength he had kept throughout the burial, collapsing into the taller male with incoherent sobbing, mourning a loss he could never retrieve. He had lost it all. There were no more purpose and Baekhyun wished someone would take the pain away because it hurt so much and he doesn't want to continue.

He kept his eyes closed as Chanyeol held him, and behind closed lids, he pictured another day waking up with Sehun next to him.

There are but a memory now.

 

Baekhyun had never thought the world could feel so empty even with so many people in it. There were so many kinds of noise yet the silence was deafening. His heart is so heavy in his chest; breathing hurts and sleeping is impossible. He laid awake in a half empty bed for hours, staring up at the blurry ceiling and letting his tears soak his pillow. He couldn't close his eyes without seeing Sehun, and after every image of the boy he could no longer hold, the weight grew heavier.

Jongdae insisted to stay so he could look after Baekhyun even as the mourning man said he need no company. JunHong and Tao stayed as well, ignoring Baekhyun when he asked then to go home. In the end, there was no energy left in Baekhyun for him to continue to argue, so he lets then stay and he spent the night in his room alone.

Minseok's words rang in his ears over and over, an explanation he couldn't understand. He was angry and upset, knowing Sehun hadn't trusted him enough to tell him that he was ill. Ill enough to leave him behind, ill enough to leave him so soon. He thought about all those times they had spent talking about forever, and he couldn't help but feel as though Sehun had broken them all on purpose.

He grew tired of staring up at the empty ceiling, suddenly too aware of the silence in the apartment. He tilted his head to look at the clock, noticing that it had struck two in the morning and he guessed the rest had gone to sleep. He doesn't know what sat him up, hand reaching out to turn on the lights on the bedside table. He scooted over to Sehun's side of the bed, pulling out the drawer to the table.

His eyes first caught Sehun's bottle of 'Oh to my Byun', a whiff of it causing Baekhyun's throat to close up, heart heavy. He squeezed his eyes shut to stop himself from crying again, clutching the bottle to his chest. Sure that be won't be shedding any tear, Baekhyun placed the bottle on the table, eyes going back to browse the insides of Sehun's drawer.

His face felt swollen from the crying, making him uncomfortable but he couldn't bother to travel the short distance to the batgroom. So he continued to find something, anything, from inside Sehun's drawer. Hus fingers grazed a stack of folded papers, a frown forming on his forehead. He had yet to take a look at one when his eyes caught a full page handwritten letter staring up at him.

Abandoning the folded stack onto the space next to him, Baekhyun picked up the letter, recognising Sehun's handwriting immediately, dated April 12th and he guessed Sehun must have written it when he was asleep.

 

Dear Baekhyun,

I'm sorry, for making a promise that I can't keep. I really, reallu wanted to, though. I want to grow old with you and do all those things we talked about. I want to hold you when we're fifty and stare up at the stars. I want to ask you what you would think when we turn seventy. But I doubt that I'd be abke to hold you again after tonight.

I'm really sorry. I don't... I never wished to leave you like this. But in loving you too much, I couldn't bring myself to be truthful. I didn't want to spend my remaining days going through a pointless therapy. I would rather spend them witj you. I love you so much, Baek, and I will miss you very much. I want to hold you forever but forever does not exist, at least not for me. I'm so sorry that I made you believe that I would always be here. I'm sorry for making you believe that I would never leave.

If there is a way for me to hold you again, I would find it. I would do anything for you to be in my arms. It seemed, though, I wasn't strong enough to fight for us and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you believe that we could be forever. The night you asked if I would ever love you again was the hardest night I had ever experienced, knowing that I'd never stopped but also aware that I can't take you back. But I couldn't lie and tell you that I don't love you, because I do. I had always loved you even in the years we were apart. I thought about you most during my treatment. The treatment was a waste of time and then I had you again. At that moment, nothing else seemed to matter.

You were all that matter.

I'm sorry because if I had been selfless enough, I would have let you go home that night. I'm sorry because I was selfish;  I didn't think about how you would feel when my time comes. I didn't know that I had a few more years to last. It was harder to let go.

Baekhyun, I love you. Please always remember that. I feel like I haven't said it enough and I'm afraid that I won't be able to anymore when you wake up. I love you very much. I had never stopped loving you, even after what happened. And please remember that I had forgiven you a long time ago. You've made me the happiest I've ever been, so thank you.

I will miss you very much and if I could hold you again, I would. Maybe I would get to later, when we meet again.

I love you. Forever and always.

Regards,

Your Sehun.

 

Baekhyun didn't know he was sobbing again until Tao appeared at his door, concern etched onto his face before he closed the distance and reached Baekhyun. He had no strength to push Tao away when the Chinese wrapped his arms around him; it was so hard to breatge and his chest hurts so much. Baekhyun clutched the paper close to his heart, could hear Sehun's voice reading those words aloud. And he wants to hold Sehun so much, wants to kiss him again but he couldn't, not anymore.

He thought about all those times they talked about everything, and he's reminded with the fact that those times are lost. He thought about Sehun's smile and Sehun's arms around him, and he cried a little harder because he won't get to see Sehun smile again and he won't get to feel Sehun's arms around him anymore. Baekhyun thought about his early morning routine, and how he constantly reminded Sehun that he loves him.

But why does it feel as though he hadn't said enough?

Tao's arms around him felt alien but he lets the Chinese man hold him in his tears and he doesn't know how long he stayed awake and how long Tao had to hold him until he fell asleep. It didn't seem to matter that Tao was crying too, because he was too wounded to make sure that Tao is okay. How could anyone be okay? How could he ever be okay?

When Baekhyun woke up again at exactly 05:06am, his eyes first adjusted to the ceiling above, and then slowly the memories flooded in. He reached a hand out to feel for the space where Sehun used to lay, half hoping that it was a dream yet when he felt nothing, disappointment crashed at him. His chest constricted, his breathing halted. It hurt again.

He curled into a ball, facing the empty space next to him and tracing invisible patterns onto the bedsheet as he kept his eyes closed. He could almost picture Sehun beside him and it almost made him smile. His eyes when he opened them caught the letter on the foot of the bed, and he guessed Tao must have read it. His eyes were tired from crying and when he reached out to take the letter, it took all of his breath away.

Clutching the paper against his chest, Baekhyun returned to lay on the bed, curled up into a ball with his free hand splayed across the empty space. He could almost feel Sehun under his arm.

Almost.

 

It's weird how they say life goes on, because Baekhyun's didn't. He watched as plants grow and people leave, saw the changes in season, from spring to summer, heard those constant silent tears turn into joyful laughter. He was there as life continued, leaving him behind, leaving him stuck in time.

It's also painful to see that JunHong could smile again, to hear that Tao was laughing again, to know that Jongdae no longer shed another tear at night. It's painful because he couldn't do that; he couldn't smile without forcing himself, couldn't laugh without trying, couldn't sleep without crying. It's painful because it seemed as though he was the only one who remembered Sehun.

Of course he was wrong; he still sees Tao on Sundays at Sehun's grave, a hand gripping the stone with a kind of wisdom in his expression. He still sees JunHong with a bouquet of flowers on Fridays, talking and smiling as if Sehun is there responding. And he knows because he visits every day, an hour each just staying close. Jongdae said perhaps that was why he couldn't move on. Moving on, though, didn't seem appealing. He wasn't ready to let go; he's afraid he'll never be.

It's been a year since Sehun left; a whole year of feeling empty, of sorrowful loneliness eveb with Jongdae's company,  sometimes Kyungsoo's, sometimes JunHong's, sometimes Tao's. A whole year of nights spent in bed alone, longing for Sehun's presence and Sehun's warmth. He missed Sehun the most.

He reads the letters Sehun wrote, some dated all the way back to the time he had sent Baekhyun with the cheque. Undelivered letters that Sehun kept and Baekhyun kept it close for they seemed to be the only things that could keep him smiling each night, even as he cried. He could swear that he could hear Sehun's voice, feel Sehun's arms, breathe in Sehun's scent. The phantom feelings of those memories were the only ones that kept him going.

But Baekhyun is tired; he is tired of crying every night, tired of being alone, tired of missing Sehun. He wants to take that step forward but his feet were heavy; he couldn't go on. He was stuck and he will be forever.

It was May 6th, a year after Sehun's passing that Baekhyun found himself alone by the beach. He's content, at peace while listening to the sounds of the crashing waves and the feel of the wind against his skin. He smiled, staring out at the horizon of the sea and wondered what awaits him. He wasn't going to find out, though. He's too tired to move.

Baekhyun was sorry; it seemed he had always been for the most part of his life. His biggest mistake and regret was letting the one thing that meant everything to him go, by hurting him, by destroying his trust. He thought about Sehun when he closed his eyes, he listened to Sehun's kind acceptance to every one of his apologies. He's no longer guilty; he's forgiven himself.

He thought about Jongdae, who had been such a great friend; someone who can definitely take care of Byeon-ui Iyagi. He thought about Tao, the best friend he never liked yet the one who had held him the strongest because he knew it was what Sehun would want him to do. Baekhyun thought about Chanyeol and wondered if he was stronger, if he was smiling and laughing instead of living in his own guilt. He wondered if Chanyeol would be happy again, and prayed silently that he would be.

He sent out another string of apologies, hoping Sehun would hear him. "I'm sorry," he says, eyes up at the blinking stars, smiling even as his tears fell. "I'm sorry, Sehun. You said not to make you my life but you are. And I cannot continue without you. I cannot go on without you. I promised to be happy, but how could I be when I'm only happy with you?"

He doesn't wait for any sort of signs as a response; he doubts that there will anyway. He made sure to reply to Jongdae's 'where are you, birthday boy?' message with an 'I love you' and a 'thank you for everything'. He had thanked Tao the last time he saw him and hugged JunHong tighter than he had ever hugged. He told Luhan and Minseok goodbye; there was no need to meet again. He had also kissed Kyungsoo on his cheek, thank you thank you thank you. Baekhyun only regrets he didn't get to see Chanyeol, but that's okay.

He ignores the buzzing of his phone that continued, no doubt from from Jongdae. Baekhyun's just really tired and he's ready to go. He misses Sehun so much. He thinks it's wrong but it feels right, and even more right as he goes deeper and deeper into the water.

It's always right when there's Sehun.

 

The disappointment in Sehun’s eyes was crystal clear, but as he reached a hand out for Baekhyun to take, there was only love and there was longing. Baekhyun sends him a look of apology, "I'm sorry," but Sehun says it's okay.

Sehun smiles and squeezes Baekhyun's hand in his, wraps his arms around Baekhyun and it feels so, so good to be held again. Baekhyun had missed this the most. Sehun pulls back only to wipe away at the tears that stained Baekhyun's cheeks, a soft kiss on the lips before he pulled the smaller male with a smile.

Baekhyun follows.

Baekhyun will always follow.

"Sehun, do you think you will ever love me again?

"I never stopped."

 

 

A/N: This took forever omggg.

 

In process of writing this I have faced so many kinds of emotions and obstacles. I was happy then upset then confused and my laptop also crashed (so I'm without laptop for a long time sobs) and I was stuck on finding the right words more times than once. Also because 140506 was so well received that I feared the sequel would disappoint. I do hope you enjoyed reading this and if it was a disappointment, I deeply apologise! I'm actually quite satisfied with it. Lool I wasn't going to post until I'm satisfied so I guess this is worth posting? Thanks for reading! And thank you so much for your support and love. ♡♥

P.S: 'Regards, Your Sehun' will consist of the letters Sehun wrote for Baek that didn't get delivered. COMING SOON.

(bc I cant let go of 140506 (and sehun) just yet)