You're sitting there prettily, laughing with the others. Here I am, staring at you all this time. I can clearly hear your deep husky laugh that I had learnt to love so much. I can clearly see your smiles, those smiles that I've fallen for, forming on your faultless face.

It's our yearly reunion with our friends, our friends that we learnt to treat like family. It's been years since we last saw each other, but my eyes only see you.

I felt someone nudge me a glass of wine. "Hey Taeng, you've been silent, drink up." It was my best friend, Sunny. She must have felt that I was neglecting her all this time.

"I don't drink, remember?" To be honest, I have drunk a few shots of wine before but only when I'm alone. Never have I told a soul about that, especially my dad.

"Come on, only a glass. And besides, we're all legal age here. Don't be a party pooper." She raised the glass onto my face again. Honestly I can't deny that I'm craving for the taste.

"Fine, just one sip." As I grabbed the glass, I saw you glance at me. I know the meaning of that glance.

I once told you that I would never drink alcohol. It's a thing between us two, that if ever I thought about it, you’re the first one I would tell about it. I guess you never expected me to get a hold of a glass of something that I previously despised.

Once I felt the burning liquid in my mouth, I didn't notice that I drank the whole glass, about more than three-fourths full. The sweet taste of grapes lingering in my mouth has brought me pleasure that I haven't noticed.

Bringing the glass down, I felt a little lightheaded. I also noticed the wide eyes of my best friend, looking at me in an incredulous manner.

"That's a whole glass! And you said you never drank before." I can't find words to defy her sentence. How am I supposed to tell her how I drank all that? But that's not what really matter.

I looked at your direction, our eyes connecting with each other. We held it for about 5 seconds before you broke it, looking elsewhere but me. Are you... disappointed?

"Sunny, I think the alcohol got into my system. I'll just catch some fresh air outside." I stood up, grabbing my pouch and headed outside besides the pool, but not before getting another glass full of wine without anyone's knowledge. 

I sat there, just staring at the moon's silver echo on the surface of the limpid water, glass twirling in my right hand.

I can clearly remember that segment of my life. That time, I noticed that I'm having weird... feelings. It's foreign to me but I'm not oblivious to the fact that it's a form of admiration. What's confusing is that I convey these feelings to a girl. And I'm a girl too. It would be a lie if I say that I'm not freaking out inside. Even my dad suspected me of swinging the other way.

"You haven't told us anything about boys at all". I can clearly remember the suspicion in his voice. It should really bother them. I mean, in that age of mine, normal teenagers would go haywire once their dream guy passes in front of them. Me? Let's just say I have never been interested in them. And of course how could I tell my dad that, "I don't have boy crushes but I fancy girls." I mean, that would totally throw him out of the window.

We’ve been... close. I mean, we've only gotten close during our senior year despite being classmates since freshmen. Let's just say that I'm not the outgoing type.

But what happened between us? I cannot think of answers. I sipped and consumed the content in my glass, not really noticing that I almost drank the half of it. Feeling a little vertiginous, I can't help but remember those moments.

Our first meeting was rather shy and awkward. If it wasn't for my childhood best friend, we wouldn’t get close.

 

 

It was the first time I have set my eyes on you. We were young back then so it was an innocent admiration for me. I can't help but notice you above everyone else in the class. But as far as I can think of, I have never approached you. We have never really talked casually. But it all changed with one question from my best friend.

"Hey Taeng, can my lab partner join us on the way home? Apparently she has the same route as us." She gave me her most convincing eyes. I just shrug my shoulders, not really minding whoever it was.

"Yay! Hey Tiff let's go!" She shouted while distancing from me. I looked at the person she's dragging and to my surprise, it’s you. I thought that it's innocuous. But I never thought that it will be our first step.

I'm so used to walking alone. It's a routine of us, my two friends, Sunny and Yuri, in front of me and me always behind them. I'm so used of it that I have forgotten that you're now walking beside me. Only I remembered when I felt soft skin brushing with the skin of my hands. I felt tingling sensation on that area of my skin. It's like it's burning in a pleasurable manner.

I flinched a bit at the contact from shock and you noticed it.

“I’m sorry,” you bowed slightly at me before putting some distance between us, although there’s no really need to.

“No, it’s fine. I’m just shocked. Your hands are cold,” I said in the steadiest way I could, and thankfully you believed me. You’re a bit gullible back then and I find that cute.

As we walk in silence, I saw Sunny and Yuri walking a bit ahead of us but I didn’t mind it. I just maintained my phase, seeing that you’re also doing the same.

Breaking the ice, I began talking to you, setting my nervousness aside. Why am I nervous anyway? “So, where do you live?”

“Three blocks away from Sunny’s house,” you answered shyly while looking at the ground.

“You’re friends with Sunny now?”

“Well, we did get to know each other during the whole physics lab thing. I can say that I do wanna be friends with her and we seem to get along,” this time, you finally showed me your infamous smile, the smile that captured me from the start.

“Okay? I don’t think we have talked before right?” I looked at you. I can feel sweat in my hands which are gripping the strap of my bag tightly.

“Well… now that I think about it, we haven’t,” you looked at me with that cute expression of yours whenever you’re thinking. How do I know? I don’t know either.

“Well, I hope at least you know my name,” I joked. I saw you smile together with me and that made my heart flutter a bit.

“Of course! You’re Kim Taeyeon, 18, you have a dog named Ginger, an older brother and a younger sister, your family runs an optic shop, you like blue and purple and you aren’t really interested in boys,” you smiled again while looking at me. I can’t help but be surprised. Never did I expect that you know me, what more that you know this much. If it’s others, I would find it creepy. But coming from you, I was actually grateful.

But that wasn’t what really bothered me. What do you mean by the last sentence? I’m not interested in boys? How did you know that?

“Sunny told me about you,” a simple answer from you before looking in the front again.

“Oh, I hope she didn’t say much,” I whispered to myself, afraid that you will know too much.

Before I process the whole thing, I felt a hand grab mine and pull me forward. “Hey, we’re behind, let’s go.”

You’re holding my hand or rather, my wrist all the time. That was the best moments at that time.

 

“Hey Sunny, what did you told Tiffany? Are you two talking about me behind my back?” I asked Sunny the next day after that first encounter.

“What? I was not the one who actually started the conversation. She asked me things.”

I opened my mouth to respond but none came out. I just didn’t expect that. You’re actually the one who asked about me.

“Don’t ask me why. She just began asking me like ‘hey, you’re friends with Taeyeon right?’ and blah blah blah…” Sunny said casually.

“Okay…” I didn’t push further. Knowing Sunny for years, she’s probably saying the truth.

Since then, you’ve been added to our daily routine. We became closer and closer until I felt that I was getting too close. I started having weird habits. I never fail to text you at night, asking you what you’re doing. It's creepy, I know. But at least you always answered anyway and from there, we emerge in a conversation which only stops when one of us falls asleep.

 

 

At that moment, it’s all really innocent admiration. But you showed your interest in knowing me. You asked about me. You know a lot about me even without me telling you things. So I did the thing that I shouldn’t have. I assumed. I hoped.

I looked at the still pool containing the perfect imitation of the full moon. The moonlight gleams through the content of the glass in my hand, showing a red glint in my eyes amidst the darkness of the night.

My right leg crossed over my left, right elbow in my right knee with my glass in my right hand, I sigh in deeply.

I can feel the alcohol taking its effect on me. I can’t say if it’s sleepiness or light-headedness. I didn’t care that much at all. I leaned on to the back rest of my chair and close my eyes, remembering those moments that I wish I could have redone.

 

 

I can't deny that I was feeling ecstatic at that time. It's like it's very natural to do that.  But my problem starts there. My weird feelings are getting worst. I sometimes wonder if this is normal. I kept it to myself for so long. We continued our routine but I toned down a bit. I sometimes lie that I have a massive headache or that I was bombarded with chores and fall asleep instantly. Soon, our daily sessions turned into about only twice a week. That didn't go unnoticed by you. I still can’t believe that you noticed that.

It was one of our free cut days. Half of the class are busy for the incoming school festival. With that, the once left are either preparing the program or lazing around the classroom. I was in the latter. Since my part was for the audio system, I have to wait for them to be finish before I do my part. Apparently, you’re also there. There's around six of us inside, two of which are fast asleep. The other two just read random books. I was sitting outside, near the railings. Our building was facing the school gym so it's an open area.

I was there, listening silently to some music when I felt someone sat on the arm desk of my chair, leaning against me. I didn't have to look to know who it was. Your scent alone gives me confirmation. Yes, I can recognize your scent meters away, and that totally freaked me out.

I felt you move your hands in my hair, playing with the tips. "Taetae..."

I heard you amidst the blasting music in my ears but I stayed still. Seeing that I didn’t respond, you grabbed my phone and press pause.

You put a finger in my chin to bring my face to look at your eyes. I felt my skin tingles from your touch. I was avoiding your eyes but then decided otherwise. I looked at you. Big mistake. Your face was only about a centimetre away and I could feel your minty breathe hit my lips slightly. I jerked back a little at the proximity and thank God you didn't get offended. 

"Is there something wrong?" you asked. I can see the concern in your face.

"I'm fine," no I'm not. You're making it hard for me and I don't even know how.

"You seem to be a bit... distant lately. Did I do something wrong?" you asked again, innocently. That innocence of you, it would kill me in time.

Yes, you’re making me feel wrong. "No, no. Just some stuff at home," I lied. You nodded and smiled sincerely but you stayed in your place.

At that time, I'm having an internal battle inside of me. But being me, I let pleasure first. I set aside my worries and doubts and just let our moments be.

Day by day, our routine went back to normal. We became closer to the point that it's your normal reflex to hold my hand when we’re walking, and that didn't go unnoticed by my best friend.

 

 

Sunny, she’s really observant. But I’m glad that she’s really an understanding person. She’s always there. For more than 10 years that we have known each other, I can say that she’s one of the best people in my life. Besides me, she’s the only soul who knows about my weirdness back then.

 

 

It was night time and thoughts flooded my mind again. My worries and fears came back to me. Not taking it anymore, I called my best friend.

"Hey Taeng, it’s been a while." it has? I looked through my inbox and found her name down below. Most of my inbox consists of yours.

" Uhh... Yeah... It has been,"

"Sooo what do you wanna talk about?"

"What? Can't I just ask how you’ve been?" I chuckled nervously.

"I'd be happy if that's the case but I know you. Come on, you can tell me," she insists. I guess she knows me too well.

"Okay... I've... been feeling weird lately," I started slowly.

"What weird? Care to elaborate?" she asked. I thought hard on how to explain to her without being obvious but nothing. I just inhaled deeply and just decided to tell her honestly.

"Is it normal if you know how someone smells?"

"Well if that person's a stink bomb, then yes," I heard her chuckle but I just tensed more.

"No no, that's not what I meant. I mean, you could feel that person's presence just by inhaling their scent. It's like, you memorize it."

"Go on..."

"You memorized the person's phone number really well. You always have the urge to talk to them. You get upset when they talk to other people the way they talk to you. You get to be extra kind to them. You even treat them lunch. You give them gifts on their special days. You can't look into the eyes while talking face to face. You feel really nervous just by their presence." I enumerated. She paused for a while, making me more nervous than I already am.

"I think I know..." she said carefully. I can sense hesitation in her voice.

"Really?"

"Wait... Is it.... her?" she asked. My eyes widened. I panicked at her response. 

"Wha-what?! Don't be ridiculous.  Why would I feel that way for Fany-ah," I laughed nervously. 

"Uhh Taeng? I didn't even say a name..." she said softly. That shut me up. Damn, she’s right. I was about to defend myself when she suddenly spoke.

"Don't worry Taeng. I still see you as the same dork I met six years ago. I'll keep your secret," she reassuringly said.

"Thanks Sunny-ah, how did you know anyway?" I was curious.

"You're a bit, obvious." I was dumbfounded.

"Seriously?"

"Well... For someone who spent six years with you, yeah I did find you obvious. But don’t panic! I'm pretty sure she has no clue," well, that didn't put me at ease.

"Aish! I'm a mess..." I ruffled my hair.

"But remember, maybe you're just in a phase. Don't act drastically alright? The last thing I wanna see is my broken-hearted best friend," I smiled at that. I was really touched by Sunny.

“Thanks Sunny. But what if I become stupid and do the last thing I should?”

“Then I’ll pick you up and shout at your face ‘I told you so’ before wiping your drools and tears away even though it’s really gross,” she chuckled. I know how sincere she can be.

“I’m really grateful that we met, you know that?” I said randomly. A moment of silence then I heard her burst out of laughter. I joined in soon enough.

“Oh My Gosh Taeng that was just so not you! What did that girl do to you?” she was laughing nonstop.

“What!? Can’t I be sweet at times?” I laughed along.

“No, no it’s not that. It’s just… so gay for us.” Her laughter has reduced, thank God.

“Whatever…” we ended the night happily.

 

 

I smiled at that memory. Sunny always knows the perfect thing for a situation.

I looked at my left hand and saw the lustrous silver band in my ring finger just above a scar.

I can remember well how perfect this ring fits your slender fingers. It looks too perfect for my eyes.

 

 

“Ouch!” I cried as the paper cutter hit my ring finger. Red substance started oozing out of the cut uncontrollably.

“Omo! What happened?!” I saw my cousin, Heechul ran towards me. He reached for his handkerchief and immediately held my left hand.

We were making a scale model of an old medieval castle. I was using a rather large cutter with new blades. I was so focused that I didn’t notice that my hand is in the way. Suddenly, Yuri collided with me, causing the cutter to miss the line, cutting my left hand in the process.

That afternoon, my left hand was bandaged. They said that the cut was deep. I’m wearing a ring on my left ring finger, just above the spot where I got cut, so I had to take it off.

I was playing with it when I felt a presence beside me.

“Hey, how’s your hand?” you looked at me in concern. Those looks were the once that really hold my heart.

“I’m glad it’s not my right hand. It’ll be fine by a week I hope.” I put the silver band down on the table.

“Hey, that’s beautiful.” I looked at you confused. Then I follow your line of vision, which landed on the silver band in the table.

“I’ve never seen you without it. Did someone special give that to you?” you looked at me interested, with an eyebrow raised.

“What? No, no. I just like wearing it.” I smiled awkwardly.

“Oh come on. Just tell me that Teukie gave it to you,” you’re now squealing like a child. If you only knew what’s on my mind right now…

“Teukie?! No no no. Whoever said that must be nuts. There’s nothing between us,” I blushed. Well, I can’t deny that Teukie is good looking and is very kind to me. We’ve been hanging around sometimes, but that’s just it. Though, he’s the closest guy with me besides my cousin Heechul.

“Really? I heard from the others that you two are infatuated with each other.” You’re now looking directly in my eyes. What my problem is, I can’t look at you. Normally, that’s a sign of denial. But in my case, I just can’t look at your eyes completely.

“No, we’re just friends.” I said simply. I suddenly stood up and grab my bag.

“Sorry, nature calls. Gotta go, bye!” I dashed away from you, escaping more questions.

 

That night, I was sleepless. Not only did your previous words bother me, but I felt like I was missing something.

 

The next morning, with my hand still in bandage, I went to school. As I entered the room, you immediately waved at me.

“Hey! You seem tired,” you greeted and that made my day better. I sat on the chair next to you, putting my head on my desk. I’m dead sleepy. I didn’t sleep last night. The moment I felt sleepiness touch me, my alarm went off. It’s already morning.

“Hmmm,” I just mumbled. I looked at you again with my droopy eyes. Your hands are tangled in your flawless hair. Then I saw something shine at your finger. Then I looked at my hand.

“Hey, is that my ring?”

“Oh, I almost forgot. I was gonna tell you that you left it yesterday so I took it for safe keeping. Sorry if I wore it. I know this is precious to you,” you looked down at your lap, obvious regret shown on your expressive eyes. Please don’t feel that way…

“No, it’s fine. Perhaps you should keep it first while my hand’s healing. I tend to loose things when it’s not with me,” I reassured you. Honestly, that’s a lie. I could always put that in my necklace. But seeing it perfectly fits on you, I just want to see it sitting on your fingers a little longer.

You then your megawatt smile, showing your perfect white pearls surrounded by those perfect pink succulent lips of yours. How do you keep those in perfect shape?

“Seriously?! Wow I’m honoured.” You held out your hand, observing your ringed finger. You don’t have other rings so it stands out. From my eyes, it’s perfect, like in my dreams. Some people asked me before if I was engaged since the ring looked like an engagement ring. I do find it that it looked like one too, but I didn’t mind. It’s sitting perfectly in your slender fingers, like it’s really made for you.

 

 

That image I never erase in my mind. It’s the closest thing to seeing you with a ring from me. Yes, I’m stupid, I admit. But no one can really tell once they’re inside the game of feelings.

But at least, my stupidity once saved me from further embarrassing myself in front of you.

 

 

The smell of chemicals dominates the living room. Cans of white paint, rolls of wire and pieces of wood can be seen lying around. We’re currently making our physics group project and we decided to work in my house.

I went outside to put the back panel under the sun. The paint is taking too long to dry up and we still have plenty of things to do. I didn’t notice the dark clutter of clouds from afar approaching.

“Hey, can we take a rest first? I think I can taste paint now,” Hyoyeon, one of my group mate announced.

“Sure, my back’s killing me too.” I complained. We arranged the stuff before sitting down on the sofa.

“So, wanna talk about something?” you asked. Apparently, you’re also my group mate. We’re three in a group. Is fate testing me?

“Can’t think of anything, Hyoyeon?” I looked at the latter. From a frown, turned into a smile.

“I know! I recently read a blog of girls talking about their girl crushes. It’s fun. Wanna try?” she looked at us expectantly. I just shrugged my shoulders.

“Okay, let’s start with Tiffany. So, who’s catching your eyes now?” Hyoyeon focused her attention in you. You looked at me nervously the same way I looked at you. How do I escape this situation?

“Uhm, is it really necessary? You suggested it. You start.” You said as you sigh in relief when Hyoyeon agreed.

“Okay fine. You know the shikshin of the class, Choi Sooyoung?”

“The volleyball player?” I asked. Sooyoung is known for her huge appetite trapped in that slim body of hers.

“She’s the only varsity in our class, Taetae,” you chuckled. Oh right. Gosh I must’ve looked stupid.

“Yeah, her. I don’t know. There’s just something about her that makes me interested. Okay I’m done!” She then diverted her attention to you. “How ‘bout you? Many are interested about your taste. Tiffany.”

“Huh? But why?”

“Dunno, perhaps many are interested to know if they have a shot at you,” she winked at you and that made me a bit uncomfortable. Although, I do wanna know your taste when it comes to a girl.

“Don’t be so silly, there’s nothing special about me,” you smiled while waving your hands. You’re wrong. Just your existence is special enough.

“If you say so. So, who is it?” Hyoyeon pushed. The whole time, I was not uttering a single sound. I was waiting nervously at your answer.

“Fine. But please don’t tell anyone. It’s just a crush anyway. I like Yuri, especially when she dances. Damn her body is just so desirable. She’s just too y,” you said shyly, obvious pink blush on your cheeks. Yuri? My buddy? I don’t know if I would feel happy or jealous.

“I knew many are having crush on Kwon Yuri. Hey Taeng, aren’t you two buddies? Haven’t you thought about having a crush on that black pearl even for once?” Hyoyeon looked at me. No, it’s only Tiffany in my mind.

“Well, we’re buddies since freshmen. It feels weird to think about her like that. I really don’t fancy anyone right now,” I said in my most nonchalant manner that I could muster up.

“Really? Because there are many times I caught you distracted or just smiling goofily while staring past through me,” you commented and that made me anxious. I can’t believe that you noticed that!

“No, seriously, there’s nothing you can dig from me.” I defended while looking at different places except at your direction. Hyoyeon was about to speak when a loud thunder disturbed us. We then heard pitter-patter slowly gaining. I suddenly remembered something.

“Omo! I left the back panel outside! The paint’s not dry yet.” I panicked. You, being nearest at the door, stood up.

“I’ll get it,” you then ran outside.

“Now, tell me who is it,” it was Hyoyeon. And here I thought that I escaped.

Instead of answering verbally, I looked at the door where a certain someone just went out.

“Her? No wonder you can’t answer! Haha Don’t worry I won’t tell,” she smiled.

Moments later, you returned with the back panel, painted in a messy way.

“I guess we just have to repaint it then,” you said while pouting. I shouldn’t have left it outside. Now, we’re way behind schedule. Well, at least, my stupidity saved me from revealing anything to you.

 

 

Looking back, I now find the situation funny. That was a really close call. But I can’t help but think of the possibilities if ever you found out. Will you reciprocate my feelings, or will you resent my whole being, thinking that I’m a monster of nature?

I was to sip in my glass again when I saw the absence of red on it. I suddenly felt giddier than earlier, knowing that I just consumed my second full glass of wine, way too much for my friends’ eyes to witness.

But even before, I felt the feeling of being in lifted in the air. I’ve never been drunk before, but I can say that I was drunk by you.

 

 

It was our last week. Only one week before graduation. I was scribbling as usual in my mini sketchpad that I always bring.

“Taetae,” you greeted me before sitting right next to me.

I then felt a weight on my shoulder. You’re leaning on me while looking at my sketchpad. Too damn close…

“Sketching again?” you asked and I nodded, ignoring the fact that your face is just inches away from me.

“Why don’t you sketch me some time? Then you can give it to me as a remembrance,” you grinned and I just looked at you as if you asked for the impossible.

“Seriously? I’ll take it as a commission work then you should pay,” I grinned back.

“What?! No way. We haven’t even started college yet. You should give it to me for free.” You pouted and all I want to do is to pinch that nose of yours and kiss your luscious lips but of course, I trained enough to keep myself sane.

“Fine, when I’m taller than you,” I looked back at my notepad.

“Then I’ll never have a sketch from you,” you stuck your tongue out and dashed outside before I could catch you.

“YAH!”

 

It was finally our graduation day. Tears and laughter filled the hall. The ceremony had just finished and students are spending their last moments with their friends.

“Taeng, I can’t believe we’ll be apart for once,” Sunny was hugging me so tight but I didn’t mind.

“I know right? Too bad we won’t go to the same university.” I said as I wiped my tears.

“Yeah. Well, at least Yuri’s with me. But you? You’re alone there, right? Only you took the entrance examination there. You’ll be the farthest among us. And you’re the only one alone. Are you sure you still want to push through?” I can see the concern in her eyes. She knows me too well to know my issues in dealing with strangers and new environment.

“Don’t worry. I chose this. I want to enroll to one of the best art schools in the country. Too bad there isn’t any art courses offered here.”

“At least let’s talk once a week okay? And if you find any hot guys there, do tell me,” she grinned and we chuckled together.

“Don’t worry. You’re the first soul I will tell once someone has captured my heart.” And yet, you held my heart captive the whole time, no one could steal it.

“Careful, I might steal him,” she winked at me and we laughed once more.

After bidding good bye to the others, I was walking towards the gates, ready to go home when a hand pulled me sideways. It’s you.

“Hey, Taetae,” you shyly called.

“Uhm, hey Tiffany, I’ll miss you.” Did I just say that?

Instead of saying anything, I felt a sudden hug enveloping my entire being. It feels so warm. Your scent is filling my nose, my mind. You’re filling my thoughts right now.

I was savouring the moment when I heard sniffling noises. I let you go and looked at your puffy eyes.

“Hey, don’t cry. Those eyes are not meant for crying, you know? They’re too beautiful to spill tears.” I didn’t really realize what I just said. I was too focused on wiping the remnants of tears from your face.

“You’re leaving for college,” you punched me in my shoulder. It hurts a bit but I don’t really mind. Heck, I would even take a bullet for you.

“Hey, don’t worry. I’ll be here every three months. We could meet then,” I assured and that seems to work, but only a bit.

“I’ll… miss you, you know?” you reverted back to your shy mode.

“You’re really special to me that you leaving my side… I’m not just used to it.” You admitted and that rendered me speechless. Did you just say that I’m special to you?

Thoughts started running through my mind; thoughts that aren’t supposed to be here in the first place. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. And yet, here I am, assuming again, hoping again.

“You’re really special to me too. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to annoy you every day,” I smiled, trying to light up the mood and it seems to work.

“Try waking me up in the middle of the night and I’ll fly to Seoul to kick your personally,” you showed me your clenched fist, biting your lips. That was just so seductive right now.

Not knowing what I was doing, I suddenly hugged you tightly, putting my head between your head and shoulders, inhaling your sweet vanilla chocolate scent, the very scent that intoxicates me, making me drunk.

I can feel my cheeks burning now. I held you tightly, preventing you from seeing my flustered face.

After what seem like forever, I finally let go of you. Your dark orbs on me, I looked at you straight in the eyes without looking away. I don’t know what came over me today, where did I get my courage to do all those things.

Breaking the silence, I finally spoke. “I guess I should go now. My family’s waiting for me,” I looked down at my feet, losing all the courage I had before.

“Okay, take care now, Bye.” You waved at me slowly. As I walked towards the gates, I suddenly remembered something.

“Fany-ah!” I shouted and you looked at me. I reached out from my bag and tossed you a white rectangular box wrapped up neatly.

Good thing you caught it perfectly.

“Keep that! Bye now!” I said as I ran away, looking back at the school that held many of my secrets ever since I learned to sing A B C.

It was my sketchpad. That’s the only thing I thought of giving you, and you know very well how much I love that sketchpad.

The truth is, every page of that sketch pad contains your perfect features. From your laughing pose, to your serious face, everything there is yours. I just purposely left one page that day so you wouldn’t suspect anything.

 

 

I stood up, walking towards the side of the pool. Rolling my pants a bit, I dipped my feet in the pool, destroying the peaceful reflection of the moon.

I felt the coldness hit my feet, running towards my body. It’s chilly tonight. I can feel my body heating up, adjusting to the sudden change in temperature. But the coldness of the night can’t be compared to the coldness I felt before.

 

 

Things went harder than expected. Seoul Arts University is making my life harder than I thought. I seldom have free time. At first, I was able to talk to my high school friends on a daily basis. But as weeks go by, I seldom talk to them. Gladly, Sunny understands me. But I think one person is not so happy.

“9 missed calls, 10 messages and 5 voicemails. Seriously Taeyeon-ah, you shouldn’t let school take over your life. You’re barely living.” My roommate, Jessica, scolded me out of concern while holding my phone. Apparently, I left my phone again in the fridge.

I’m now living in a dorm near school. With me are Jessica Jung, psychology major, and a classmate of mine, Seo Juhyun or Seohyun, also Multimedia arts major like me but amazingly younger by a year.

As I reached for my phone, I opened the log. Two missed calls from Sunny and seven from you, three messages from Sunny and five from you and there’re also two from mom.

“Hey Taetae. Why won’t you pick up my calls? I’ve been calling you all day.”

“I miss you. It’s been two weeks since we last talked.”

“Hey Taetae-ah! So how’s your day? Any news?”

“Hey, are you ignoring me?  coz I think you are.”

“Seriously Taetae, please talk to me soon :’(“

“Yah Taeng! Answer your freakin’ phone. Tiff’s asking me about your whereabouts. Where are you anyways?”

“Oh I’m so dead,” I panicked while replying furiously to their messages. Later on, I dialled my speed dial.

“Taetae!!!” said the other line immediately after answering

“Fany-ah, I’m so sorry. I misplaced my phone earlier,” I said regretfully.

“Aniyo Taetae. It’s fine. As long as I can talk to you now, I’m happy.” I can hear cheerfulness in your voice.

“So how are you?”

“I’m fine. Programming is killing my brain cells. Can you help me some time?” you asked. Of course, how can I deny your request?

“Of course! Just message me or if I have free time, let’s meet at my house, okay?”

“Sure thanks! You’re my hero,” you said. There was silence between us.

“I miss you,” a random thought that I voiced out.

“Aw Taetae, I really miss you too. It’s different without you beside me.”

I ran out of words to say. Of all the things I want to say, I can’t say anything to you. Those are things that are to be kept to myself only.

“Yeah, same here. Hey listen, I gotta do some paper works now since I have class in two hours. I’ll be hanging now alright? I’ll call as soon as I can.”

“Sure Taetae. Take care of yourself there. Don’t go chasing anyone else, I would be jealous,” you said jokingly. You have no idea what you just said.

“Oh trust me babe, it’s only you in my heart,” I joked but inside, how I wish I could mean that. How I wish I could say that to you face to face without hidden meaning.

“Aw I’m grateful. Okay go now. I don’t want you to be late. Bye, love you!” that froze me. It’s the first time you said those four letter words to me. But sadly, it’s not how I want to mean.

“Sure Fany-ah, love you too,” I love you very much. I was shocked at myself also. That’s the first time I’ve ever admitted to myself directly that I love you.

 

After that conversation, our talk became less often, sometimes only once in a month.

 

A year through in college, it’s finally our Christmas vacation. We, our high school classmates, gathered together. Sadly, we didn’t interact much. Some of my classmates are bombarding me with lots of questions about the big city and you, well, is also busy with your thing.

Truth is, our closeness is not that broadcasted to everyone. Unlike my relationship with Sunny and Yuri, ours are not that known. I remembered the time that I mentioned about you to one of my classmates and she was shocked that we’re close with each other. Being in this situation, we prefer to just go with the flow and just be with each other when time approves.

A week later, it was a sunny morning but not too hot, just right. I was lazing in our sofa when a thought suddenly hit me.

I grabbed my phone and immediately typed a message.

“Hey, you free today? Can we meet?”

Seconds later, a reply came.

“I have to take care of my nephew. Mom’s out and I’m the only adult here.”

Not giving up, I replied again.

“Bring your nephew along. We’ll just go around the lake and maybe eat something on the way. I’ll be leaving again in three days so I do hope that we can spend time together before I leave.”

It took longer for you to reply. Two minutes later, my phone beeped.

“Fine, but you’re paying. I have no money as of now.”

“Sure, I’ll take care of it. Just get changed and meet me at the district market.” After sending my last reply, I immediately took a bath and get dressed casually.

“Mom I’m going out!” I shouted to the kitchen.

“Where are you going? Will you have your lunch here?” she asked while cooking something.

“Just a classmate from high school, she asked me to accompany her.” I don’t know why I didn’t tell her who.

“Is it Sunny? It’s been ages since I saw that kid.”

“No it’s not Sunny. Err… Just a classmate. I think you don’t know her that much. I’ll be going now, bye! We’ll eat outside. Be back later afternoon, bye!” I exited the house and went to the market district where we agreed to meet.

 

I was standing there for like twenty minutes when two figures approached me.

“Taetae I’m so sorry. Kyungsan here took too long. I also have to tell auntie that we’re going out,” you patted the head of the five years old boy beside you. I bent down and pinch his chubby cheeks. Cute.

“It’s fine. Shall we go now?”

 

We’re sitting by the swing now, or rather, you two are sitting and I’m just leaning on the post.

“This place never fails to calm my nerves,” you said with eyes closed.

“I know right. We should come here more often.”

All that afternoon, we’re just playing, or rather, babysitting your nephew. I can’t help but imagine him as our child, even though that idea is just too crazy.

“Unnie, Kyungsan hungry,” the little boy patted his grumbling tummy and you just laughed while patting his head.

“Don’t worry Kyungsan, Taetae oppa will feed us, right?” both looked at me with their puppy dog eyes. How can I resist that now? Wait… Oppa?!

At the same time, my stomach grumbled also so I agreed to eat.

As we went inside the fast food chain, we spotted a familiar face.

“Irene!” you waved at the familiar figure from afar.

“Unnie! Hi Kyungsan,” we approached Irene. Oh now I remembered. She’s your younger sister, I think three years younger if I’m not mistaken.

“Hi unnie,” she bowed when she saw me.

“Irene, she’s a classmate of mine from high school.” you introduced me.

“Oh, is she Taeyeon unnie?” she guessed while pointing at me. I was surprised that she knows me. Do you talk about me at home? I can’t help but feel butterflies in my stomach. Nah, probably just hunger.

“Yeah, hey let’s eat!” you immediately cheered. I laughed at your antics.

“I’ll take the order, so what do you want?” I asked. After taking your orders, I went back to the table.

You and Irene were about to reach for your wallets when I stopped you.

“Don’t worry guys, it’s on me,” I smiled at you. I can see Irene’s a bit hesitant.

“Are you sure unnie? We haven’t known each other that much,”

“I was just kidding when I said you’ll treat me Tae.” you said.

“It’s really fine, guys. You’re Fany’s sister and this cute kid here is your nephew so it’s really fine with me to treat you guys.” I smiled at you and thankfully, you’re convinced.

 

We finished eating with bloated stomachs.

“Thanks for the treat Taetae. You should just have treated me. I can pay for the two,” you pointed at the two figures who’s on their way to the restroom.

“I said it’s fine, really. It’s not that much of a big deal any way. And this is for those times I failed to talk to you these past few months.”

 

We went outside the food chain with Irene carrying the sleeping boy.

“Irene, will you take him home?” you asked. Please say yes. Please say yes.

“Sure. I’ll watch over him. I’ll just call if there’s anything. Thanks for the treat, Taeyeon unnie. Fany’s right about you. We’ll be going now, bye!” she walked away. I became curious. What were you right about?

“Hey, Fany aren’t you going home?”

“Well, there’s someone who wanted to meet me today. Come with me. I’ll introduce you too.”

We waited for about an hour, talking about sweet memories from our high school days and new memories to share. Just then, a tall figure clad in a black fitted V-neck and dark jeans approached you. I watched his moves. I flinched when he suddenly covered your eyes. How badly I want to cut those hands away.

“Hey who’s there? Taeyeon you should not be joking,” you said menacingly.

“Guess who,” he whispered in his deep voice.

Immediately, you faced the well-built guy and smiled in the process.

“Siwon oppa!”

“Hey mushroom, oh hi there,” he bowed when he saw me. I reflect the gesture in a stiff manner. Who’s this guy?

“Taetae, he’s the one I said earlier. Siwon oppa, meet Taeyeon. My high school friend.” Ouch. Friend. Okay.

“Taetae, meet Choi Siwon, my boyfriend.” 

 

 

Those words of yours, it broke me into so many pieces that you didn’t noticed it. I smiled that time, but only because there’s no other thing left to do.

He’s tall, sleek, well-built. He’s rich but down to earth. He has perfect jaw line, perfect chin, and perfect smile. He’s every girl’s ideal guy, but for me, he’s the worst existence there is, for I know that I am nothing compared to him. I’m merely a speck of dust beside a diamond.

It was cold. The wind is howling wildly, creating tiny waves at the pool. I felt so empty inside that I feel like the winds might carry me if it blows any harder.

Those memories trigger something in my eyes. A lone tear. My face was so dry that I instantly felt the tear run down my cheeks.

I’m stupid, aren’t I? I mean, why am I doing this to myself? I know that there’s never gonna be us. I know that there’s no chance that you’ll look at me the way I wanted. I know that my dream is too much for this world to handle.

And as if it isn’t enough, I heard footsteps approaching. I didn’t turn back. From your scent alone, I can tell that it’s you. You’re my remedy yet my poison. You’re my peace yet my chaos. You’re my epitome of perfection yet you’re my approaching destruction.

I held my breath when I felt you coming near me. My heart, which I forgot that I had, is beating furiously. I felt warm all of the sudden.

“Taetae-ah…” you called me in the way I loved most.

I didn’t look up. My eyes are planted on the pool. I don’t have the courage to look at you now.

“Why are you like this?” you questioned. Why am I like this? Trust me, you wouldn’t want to know.

“Nothing,” was all I can say.

“It’s not nothing and you know it. You never drank alcohol before, remember? And seeing you drank that much without struggling means that you have drank before. And don’t deny that you haven’t drank another glass full earlier. I saw you,” you said in your serious voice. You saw me? Wow I didn’t know you’ll be looking at me.

“Fine. I drank when I was in Seoul, when I was alone. But I have never gone to a bar nor drink with my friends. It’s just me alone. Even my dad doesn’t know. You’re the first to know,” I said, a little bit frustrated. Silence was dawned between us.

“You know, I was afraid.” You broke the silence which made me jump a bit.

“Of what?”

“Those times when we don’t talk, those times when you’re too busy, I was afraid that will be the end. I was afraid that I’ll lose you.” Your voice was sincere and I can see it crystal clear.

“Why did you think that?”

“I don’t know. I’m just so used with you asking my wellbeing, sending random good mornings, calling random times. Then… gone. Sometimes whenever my phone rang, I always thought it would be one of your random quotes but only to disappoint me that it’s not from you.” You said those with your eyes trailed on to the shining waters. I can’t help but be touched by what you have just said.

“I have been busy lately. Meeting deadlines, terror professors, unreasonable homeworks, problematic housemates. I’m glad I haven’t fallen to depression yet,” I chuckled, realizing how my past months have become.

There was silence between us. It was a while before you decided to speak again.

“I hope it won’t happen again. It became my fear.” You stood up from your place and went towards the chairs from where I am previously sitting at. I stood up also, following you.

“Don’t worry, it won’t,” I smiled. I’m glad to see the same smile in your flawless face again.

“I’m glad to have a friend like you. Well, anyone would be lucky to have you. I’ll make sure that the guy you’ll end with will treat you royalty. I’ll make sure he’s the perfect guy.” Those words of yours really broke my heart. What if I told you that I want to end up with you? What if I told you that you’re already perfect?

“Yeah, you do that,” I can’t help but give you a faint smile, but I hope you didn’t notice it.

“Are we good?” you asked me. Never been better, yeah. Never been better.

“Yeah, we’re good.” I answered as if nothing’s going on inside of me.

You’re about to stand up, when you suddenly looked at me. Picking up a paper in the table, you gave it to me.

“What’s this?” I asked. I didn’t notice it before.

“An invitation. Being one of the closest people in my heart, I wish to invite you to my engagement this coming August, specifically on my birthday.” You smiled yet again, as if you didn’t just stab my heart a million times and throw the poor thing in the salty sea. But how will you know that? How can I speak of my feelings to you? Never.

“Being with Siwon-oppa this long, we thought that we have proven the world enough that we’re now capable of combining our hearts.” Please stop it.

“Since both sides approved, we decided to hold the engagement at my birthday, then the wedding will follow through.” Enough please. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“And I hope that you’ll personally witness our knot tying. I would be very grateful about that. You’re the one that I expect the most.” You pleaded. You just don’t have any idea what you just did to me.

At that time, I felt numb. I just lost my feelings. I can’t feel pain. I can’t feel anything, basically. That moment, my mind’s working on its own. I felt like a talking robot, not really thinking of what I was about to say.

“Sure, I’ll be there.”

So this is how unspoken feelings do, huh?

 

 

 

 

 

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Hey! I just have thought of this one shot while digging out some ideas on my ongoing fic, TIME (do check it out ;)

So... how was it? Sorry if it has to be sad... I really intended that. I've always wanted to write sad endings....

Don't hunt me down please! T_T And don't kill Siwon :((

Anyways.. share your thoughts? I would gladly appreciate it :D

JUST A THOUGHT: Have you ever thought about if the stories an author writes may be derived from their real life experiences?? :D