Reblogged on October 19, 2014

Tessa and Karen are just talking about baking and Harry, of course. I mean, you can’t just have two female characters talk about something other than a man, am I right? That’s just ridiculous!

I feel for her, she is really trying to make an effort to get to know me. She believes me to be Harry’s girlfriend and I can’t tell her otherwise.

Er, excuse me, but why not? Just say it was a honest mistake and it was too awkward to correct on the spot like that?  You already have a boyfriend. Does the name Noah NOT ring a freaking bell?

Halfway through dessert, Harry nicks off to go to the toilet and Karen/Ken go on about how great it is that Tessa is going out with Harry, he is so changed, blah blah blah. Seriously, can these people not have anything else to talk about?I know parents can get really nosy and giddy whenever their kids brings their significant other home but this is just so blatant. It really is just Anna Todd’s obvious emphasis to how amazing Harry/Tessa’s relationship is, because that is the only thing she fixates on throughout this story.

I know this is a romance, and their relationship is the crux of it but having Harry’s parents coo over how goddamn amazing Tessa is (especially to Harry) annoys me to no end.

It really just enforces the ideology that even if a guy is a grade A douchebag (like Harry), it is a woman’s job to fix him and his flaws (through love or some other bull) instead of calling out for his behaviour and forcing him to change himself for the better. But I digress.

Tessa is in disbelief at the thought of Harry being “happy” and “in love” with her.

I choke on my breath and break into a heap of coughs, the cool water in my glass slides down my throat, calming it and I look back at them.

I swear that I’ve reread this sentence like a million times, and I still don’t understand what the hell is happening. How do you choke on your ‘breath’? Why can’t you just say you broke out into a fit of coughs? And where did the water come from? At what point were you drinking, and what is ‘calmed’ by you drinking water? So many questions, so little time.

I sincerely hope Anna Todd’s editors/proofreaders/copy-editors haven’t already died from the sheer atrocity of her writing yet. They deserve a raise for justthinking to salvage it.

They think Harry is in love with me? It would be incredibly rude to laugh at them but they obviously don’t know Harry.

Well neither do you. Or maybe you do, but you’re so infatuated with the guy/want to really sleep with him, that you’re willingly to overlook his obvious flaws. Which raises so many red flags, but who cares! Harry is totally in love with you, Tessa. I mean, he only just goes on about how your ual appeal turns him on, and how much value you are to him. Why are you so stupid to not realize this is totally true love and not just his ual attraction towards you?

It isn’t like he just makes the weakest apologies after losing his temper with you, when he knows it’d make you lower your defenses and let him have his way with you. Oh wait, that’s exactly what he’s been doing .

Harry returns and plans on taking Tessa home, but what do you know? It’s storming outside, and Karen insists that they stay the night. Wow, who didn’t seethat coming? It’s practically a golden rule in the hack’s guide to writing fanfiction.

"Great! Then it’s settled. I will show Tessa to a room, unless you will be staying with Harry in his?" She asks, there is no accusation behind her voice, only kindness.

Wow, a parent who is perfectly fine with Tessa/Harry totally doing it in her home? No -shaming whatsoever? If she wasn’t so one dimensional as a character and a transparent ‘Hessa’ shipper (another fanfic cliche: someone’s mum is always going to be shipping the main couple of the story), I think I’d really like her.

However, Tessa opts for her own room, which annoys Harry for some reason. She goes on about how she and Harry don’t have a ‘thing’ going on, even though they totally do.

My snarky subconscious reminds me that we aren’t dating at all, or even close to it.

OH FOR S SAKE, YOU CAN’T JUST OPENLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS LIKE THAT.

I know I’ve said this plenty of times before, and it doesn’t need saying - but I really want to slap some sort psychology textbook into Anna Todd’s face and give her the basic definition of what the subconscious is. The only way I will accept this is if this story is secretly some sort of metaphorical/surrealist piece of romantic literature. But I really doubt that neither Anna Todd or her fans know what any of those concepts are, so we can throw that theory out of the window.

I have a boyfriend who is not Harry

Oh wow, nice to know you finally remember the guy only when it is in relation to Harry.

I ignore her as usual and follow Karen upstairs.

Ignore who? Your subconscious? The imaginary female presence next to you? Are you breaking the fourth wall and presumably talking to the reader? Who?

While Tessa is describing random things in her bedroom, the backyard she sees outside - she starts having a monologue about how this was the best time she’s had to with Harry like, since ever. I just am beyond caring at this point.

He has held my hand, which he never does, he put his hand on my back as he walked (and you didn’t?), and he did his best to comfort me when I was worried about Liam.

Did he now? I really do not recall that at all. Unless this is what Tessa wanted to see, warping her own perception of their reality to envision Harry as being this jerk with a heart of gold. She laments about how she could never have a friends-with-benefits kind of relationship with Harry, which is fine. Not everyone is into non-monogamous/committed relationships and ual partners like that.

But I know I won’t be able to stay away from him. I have tried many times now, and it never works.

Well duh, that is the main conflict that’s driving this flaccid, non-existent plot so far. I mean, if you did manage to stay away then this story would’ve ended like ages ago.

Suddenly there is a knock on the door, and Liam shows up in her room.

"I" we both say at the same time and laugh.

Okay, if we ignored the lack of grammatical punctuation there, I begrudgingly admit that is kind of adorable. Like Steph, Liam is the one constant platonic friend that Tessa has and seems to genuinely like her as a person. So… basically, he is one of the few people who I do like from this story so far.

Tessa tries to apologize to Liam (apparently she possess the ability to spew out massive chunks of dialogue all in one breath without pausing once). She  goes on about how she still wants to be friends with him, despite the fact that he witnessed to her cheating on her boyfriend with Harry (of all people).

And Liam, surprisingly, just responds by saying… how he doesn’t judge her at all for it.

I was rooting for you, Liam! I wanted you to give Tessa a piece of your/my mind and tell her off for doing such a heinous thing, but alas - that is not the case. I wish Tessa was real, only so I can borrow some of her magic Mary Sue-like powers in which people forgive her at the drop of a hat like that. Wow, I mean like - talk about glossing over that waste of potential for some sort of conflict. 

But at least Liam is showing some sort of concern for her?

"I am worried about you and Harry though. I don’t want him to hurt you, and I believe he will. I am sorry for saying that but as your friend I need you to know that he will." he says. I want to get defensive and even angry, but part of me knows he is right, I just hope he isn’t.

He is. These guys aren’t even officially a thing yet and already I want to phone the cops and arrest Harry before he does any further, and possibly irreversible damage upon Tessa.

"So what are you going to do about Noah?" He asks and I groan.

IT IS ABOUT BLOODY TIME THAT SOMEONE FINALLY BRINGS THIS UP.

"I have no idea, I am afraid that if I break up with him I will regret it, but what I am doing to him isn’t fair."

Harry shows up, and leaves in the span of like five minutes only to give Tessa some clothes to sleep in. For some reason he’s really y towards her, but I assume that’s a combination of Liam being there, and Tessa not sleeping with him in his room.

Liam and Tessa talk about his girlfriend Danielle (who I just found out is based on one of his real life girlfriends. Ew, that is just goddamn creepy Anna Todd), Tolstoy, Seattle skyline and lord know what else. Oh hey, Tessa having a conversation that doesn’t revolve Harry and his . Who knew that was even possible.

Unfortunately, after Liam leaves, Tessa goes through the clothes Harry left her and goes into goddamn micro details about what they look like, what they smell like, her getting undressed/dressing into them, etc etc… Seriously Anna Todd, no one cares, just get on with it!

Just when she’s about to go asleep, she hears a loud cry from Harry’s room.

"Please!" He yells again. I jump out of bed and run across the hall.

Do I even want to know where this is heading?