Taeyeon.3

****

Almost a year, a year without her, a year with a lonely hearts and mind, feeling broken, even if tiffany was there, my life is not complete, without her I feel so alone, I cried at night thinking that it was all a dream, that when I wake up in the morning,  I’ll be seeing her, telling me good morning and get up now, eat you breakfast, I miss her, I miss her every single day of my life, I want her, I really do, I’m so fool looking far from her, I wanted to kill myself, I wanted to leave this world because she’s not her, I miss her so much, I need her, right here right now, but what can I do now? Even I just stoke her around my dad will always finds out, even I wanted to help her, dads figure it out, why this is happening to me? I didn’t do anything, all I did was loving her, is this so much to ask for?, just her , she just all I need anything more nothing less, just being with her will complete me, but my father just ruin my life, and I hate him so much, but still respected him, why? Because I still believe that he will change his mind? That maybe he was just joking, I want my father back, he is a change man now, like I don’t really known him, I don’t know what to do right now, I felt like dying already, I felt my heart piercing a thousand knife when I saw her cried begging me to come back to her, she didn’t give up, she was always stalking me around, I know she’s been hiding but I feel her and saw her following me around,

****

I got home and just seated myself at my bed, when I heard my phone ring, I pick it up on my bag as I saw her message me again, I smile, cause this is the only way I could still feel her love, I open it immediately and she message me telling goodnight and take care always, I wanted to message her too but I held myself, i just put my phone on the cabinet afraid that she will called me, I just went to the bathroom and take a shower, after I was done, I went to my bed, drying my hair with a towel, after I’m done, I was about to sleep and forget about the message earlier,when I heard my phone ringing nonstop, I get annoyed and pick it up and said,

“what do you want?” but I didn’t saw who called me cause when I hear her voice telling me not to hang up and just listen to me, my heart skip a beat and I was so nervous right now, I need to be strong not to broke down to her, she’s saying that she wanted to see me and talk but I said,

“I’m sorry, I can’t and don’t call me again” I wanted to just hang up now before I lose my mind, when she cut me out and say, that this is the last time she’s going to ask to meet me, and said, “let’s talk things out” I just went silent, hesitating, as I sigh and bit my lips and said,

“okay”

 I hear say thanks telling me to meet her at our usually place and meet her tomorrow at 3pm and she said that I won’t regret seeing her. I just hummed a reply and hang up to her, my tears slid down,  I was biting my lips hard and any minutes now it will bleed, I didn’t know that I was holding my breath too, when I hang up, I was sighing hard, I know I will regret seeing her, I’m afraid that I might hug her when I see her or worst come back to her,  I shook my head and I know I will have to be brave enough to face her, it’s been  a year that I hurt and leave her, she just wants to see me for one last time, and I should just give her that right? Then what am I going to tell her? Make a lies again? And continue to hurt her and to hurt myself? I just close my eyes and prepare myself to see her tomorrow,

****

I was on my office, getting nervous and was looking at my clock, its 2pm and I have to get ready to see her, but my dad just came to my office and said, that he need me to meet some business man for our next project, I told him that I had an appointment but he gets mad and told me If it was about ___, I didn’t answer and he gets what he was asking, as he said,

“are you still seeing her!!!!?”

I wrench in pain when he said that, I look at him mad, and told him,

“no I don’t and I know you’ve been following me around appa, assigning someone to follow where I was going, are you not tired appa? I already did what you want, I just want to see her face even just for a second, I didn’t talk to her, I just look at her far away, and you’re mad because of that? How cruel are you appa? Can you just leave me now? I assure that I won’t get back to her, can’t you just leave me alone!!!!?”

He was shock when I talk back at him, as he said,

“don’t you dare disobey me tae or else”

“oh you’re going to make her life miserable? But have you notice your making my life worst than miserable appa” I gritted my teeth as to prevent not to cry anymore cause I’m so tired right now.

“you already know what am I going to do with her, see her again or she lost the restaurant or what’s so ever, go to the meeting before I get mad at you, I’ll wait for you there,”

He said while he walks away, when I know he was out of my sight, I grip my fist, and I wanted to shout, but I held myself, I grab my hair, I feel so frustrating right now, I look again on my clock, I sigh and I know I’ll be going to be late meeting ___, I just went to fix myself and get some things to go to the meeting,

After the meeting was done, I look at my clock and its was 5:30pm, I don’t know if she’s still there but knowing her many years now I know she still waiting there, I widen my eyes as I get my things and told my secretary that I will go now, I went to my car, and drove off to where we were going to meet.

I saw her seating alone at the chair and notice some flowers and some peas doll, she still remember that, I just ignore it and went to her, I saw her stand up while smiling, as I said,

“im sorry I’m late” she just told me that it was okay and said that I probably busy, I just nodded at her when she said,

“do you want to have dinner tae?” I look at her and I know she was hoping me to say yes, but I just told her,

“I come here not to have dinner with you, you wanted to talk right? Now just talk.” I was just faking it , getting annoyed to her, even now that I just wanted to feel her warm hug, I hear her sigh and said okay, after some minutes she still in her own world when I told her.

“oh please just told me what you wanted to say, so I could go home now, I’m tired,” I saw her look at me and sigh again, asking me what had happen to us, why did we broke up, she continue to say if she was lacking something or if she did something wrong to upset me, I look at her, and she must have been waiting for me to talk when I just said,

“you’re not lacking ___ either not enough for me,” I take a seat and look at her again, and saw her seated herself in front of me, as I continue and said,

“it’s just me okay, I just don’t love you anymore and i-I” it was a lie, I love her too much, she cut me off and said.

“you? just don’t give me that reason tae and just please tell me the truth”

I look down as I don’t want to see her begging at me again, I feel her hands holding me saying,

“please taeyeon just tell me, why you broke up with me? why? Why? Why?,” I know she was getting impatient and I know she wanted me to answer her question, I prepared myself and yank her hands away and said,

“okay!!! fine!!!!” i shouted at her and continue.

“it was all your fault!!” (it’s not your fault __ I’m sorry)

“It was just my life , it was just evolve around you, im sick and tired following you around , your over protectiveness, I cant do anything I want, im scared because you love me too much, too much, that i feel suffocate, you messaging me always or asking where I was, or what did I do, im old enough ____ , I was suffocate in this relationship, I cant breath___ I just can’t live with you anymore, I just cant  bare with it, I grow tired  having you around me telling me what to do or not to do, you are worst than my parents, I can’t live and I do what I want, now tell me ___? Have you tried to ask me what I want, have you try if I want that or this? You are so perfectionist, you don’t care about what I feel, you just want to do what you wanted to this relationship, you just too much,, you can’t even give me space for myself, now tell me.. do you think im going back to you? to go back to that boring relationship? No I won’t__ and never will.. I already have move on ____, can you see that im happy now? Can you just be happy for me? Can you just let me go? I’m in relationship now, and I’m happy with her, I don’t want to see you around , stalking me, can you just give me a peaceful life ____?, just what do you want me to do? For you to let me go?” I said, I cried harder in front of her, I didn’t want to tell her that, it was all a lie, I never tried of her, and never will but if this words will made her move on and I have to do it even it hurts me so bad, I saw her crying and it hurts me so bad and I just wanted to run away right now, she didn’t talk nor move at all, she just look at me while crying after some minutes I saw her standing up and look down at me and said,

“okay” she bite her lips and I can feel she’s really hurt right now and said again.

“i- i- l-let y-you g-go” I know she was holding her tears, when she said that, it was stabbing me a thousand knives, it hurts so bad, I was just biting my tongue not to talk cause if I did, I might hug her and never let go, when I hear her say,

“Im sorry I made you cry, even I promise that I won’t. Im sorry if I make your life miserable that I thought you were happy with me, and I didn’t know that I suffocate you, sorry