Chapter 15.

Enamoured
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Chapter 15.

 

Kim Jongin had never been the type to sleep easily. Whenever he closed his eyes, the errors he had made in his life and the faults that he was comprised of seemed to bear down upon him in full force, so much so that he could even feel the physical ache that they caused.

Even when awake, Jongin was someone who was painfully aware of his flaws.

They ate away at his hollowed out heart and clung to every laboured breath he took. His own thoughts, Jongin had learnt, were a poison that coursed through his veins and turned his blood into an acid that rotted away his insides.

Jongin’s earliest memory was that of his mother. More specifically, his mother’s perfectly manicured, pain inflicting hands. It was by his mother’s hand that he had learnt his first life lesson, in the form of a brutal slap and a viciously whispered warning from her richly rouged lips:

‘As I have suffered, you will suffer’

He had grown up under her care, or lack thereof, and it was his beautiful, unbalanced, cruel and spiteful mother that had first planted the seeds of uncertainty and fear into his young mind. She had made sure to make him well aware of the fact that it was his fault she was no longer beautiful, his fault that his father had left her. To Jongin’s mother, it was because of her own son’s inability that he remained unaccepted and unwanted, thus dragging her down with him. If it weren’t for Jongin she would have it all and if she could make him disappear, she would have.

But Jongin was young and confused -- conditioned to be the way he was simpy because of how he had been brought up. In the time he lived with his mother, it had become his sole wish was to please her. All he had ever wanted was to satisfy her and to gain her praise.

But apparently, his efforts had not been enough. When he was thirteen, his mother committed suicide. Jongin had found her after school, hanging from the second floor banister. She had left him, unfulfilled and unloved, and he was left alone with nothing to do but blame himself for her death. All he had wanted was for her to love him the way he had loved her, no matter how unhealthy and dysfunctional.

‘What kind of mother leaves their son three weeks before Christmas?’ Jongin had paced the hallways of their empty home after her funeral, a trail of shattered crystal and crushed flowers marking his path, smashed against the walls and brutalised beneath his shoe clad feet in a bitter fury. They were jagged and ruined, the perfect reflection of the way he was on the inside. Blood ran from the deep gashes that sharp edges had left on his soft hands, but Jongin was too turbulent within to feel.

 ‘She never cared, she never wanted me. I don’t care, I don’t care anymore!’ Jongin had shrieked in desolate rage, the elaborately carved coffee table he had picked up splintering as he hurled it across the room with all the strength he could muster. Jongin had been left by his mother, tearing away at himself. Porcelain plates and glass from the photo frames he had hurled scattered the floors – destruction had become his means of ridding himself of the toxic emotions that raged within him.

Jongin soon came to realise that anger was a far less taxing means of supplementing misery.

 

Jongin may have been young when he moved in with his father, but he was no fool. He knew what the constant closing of doors and the sound of the static that remained in absence of sound symbolised: it was the continual dismissal of his existence by the one person he had left – the one person who was meant to care, but didn’t.

Jongin’s father was cold and uninvolved. Jongin barely saw him and they spoke even less. It was his successful, wealthy and unloving father who was the epitome of everything Jongin had been wired by his mother to aspire to be. At first he had thought that moving in with his father would be a second chance, his means of redemption after failing her, so to speak. If he could make his father proud, maybe his mother could forgive him for failing her when in life. If he could make his father proud, maybe things would be better.

But he had believed wrongly. His attempts to gain the approval of his father were futile and Jongin soon realised that no matter how hard he tried and no matter how well he did, he would always be the son that should have never been. Being DUX of the school wasn’t enough. Being in the top percentage of the population academically wasn’t enough. Being sports captain and prefect wasn’t good enough. No matter how many awards, medals and titles Jongin received, he came to see that he would never be good enough for his father. No praise, no applause, no smile or gentle pat on the back.

And that was the way things remained. Jongin’s large home was coated in silence. The rooms remained cold and empty and an absence of love echoed throughout the hallways. No one was ever there to welcome Jongin home from school and there was never the comforting smell of cooking food. The sound of conversation and laughter was entirely foreign to the fourteen year old that ghosted the halls of the large and unwelcoming mansion. The seemingly unyielding silence that permeated the air reflected the deafening emptiness that resounded throughout Jongin’s life – the continual blows that had been his ruin.

But rather than trying to mend what was damaged as most others would, Jongin had instead chosen to relish in the absence of wh

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kaimilk
6th Aug: only two more exams and then I'll be able to update (at long last!) Thank you all for putting up with such a long wait~

Comments

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JongRi14 #1
Chapter 38: Reading this in 2023. The story is so beautifully written. And I absolutely love the development of the characters. I'm glad I came across this fic.
Niviexo #2
Chapter 38: wow just wow
Soovann
#3
Oka this story is underrated omggg I’d rly recommend this to everyone 🥰🥰
Soovann
#4
Chapter 38: Oka I wna say ultimately, I loveeee the characters development and emotions involved. The part where Ks explained to Ji that it isn’t the right time and all to be tgt !!! I could relate so well!! I guess this entire fic is rly written in a realistic point of view even the ending like what u said.🥲🥺 oka now I need help to detach myself from this fic rly🥺🥺🥺🥺
Soovann
#5
Chapter 38: HIE YOUR NEW FAN HERE !!^^ omg hope tat I’m not too late man!! Your work is pretty impressive I must say 🥺🥺🥺🥺 Great work authornim, love this fic so much to the point that I can’t let it go. I’m prob still in my own little bubble of happiness.
kakashizzle #6
Chapter 38: This was so beautiful. I loved the slow burn and the build up. I loved the relationships formed between the students themselves and the teachers themselves. I think everything was fleshed out well enough. This story also managed to be calm all through out? I can’t explain it well but everything was delivered superbly. It’s really rare to see fics like these where personal struggles are being expounded on. You started out with a Teacher x Student trope but ended up with so much more. The dialogue is particularly breathtaking, the lines always got me thinking myself. Thank you so much for sharing your work with us!
siemprekaisoo
#7
Chapter 38: Well, I was totally "enamoured" with this fic!!! It was extremely captivating from beginning to end and I really love how you write. Nini's character and the dynamic between both him and Soo had me biting my nails the whole time!!! I look forward to reading more of the sequel and to see more of you works!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!
channieobssessed #8
Chapter 23: The characters are really interesting; I'm particularly fond of Minseok
kadikaeu #9
Chapter 15: he is such an but the good kind HAHHAHAHA im loving how this story is making me cry one second and then make my heart flutter after. ♡
mylovelywookie #10
Chapter 38: This is so good and well-written.