“And the winner is… f(x)! Congratulation!”

 

I stood there stunned. I didn’t know what was happening but everyone around me was congratulating us. I looked over and saw our members crying and smiling receiving the flower and trophy.

 

Oh right, we won.

 

Our very first win.

 

I opened my eyes and everything was gone. It was only myself in the room lying on my bed. It was quiet and I couldn’t hear a single noise. Emptiness, I felt this loneliness again piercing through my heart.

 

This pain – will it ever disappear?

 

I lazily pushed myself up and hop off the bed. Walking to the bathroom I did my usual wake up routine – brush my teeth, shower, and wash my face. Every time I stood in front of the mirror and see my own reflection I would question “Is this what I want?” but every time I questioned I can never answer myself.

 

I finished refreshing myself up and without bothering to put makeup on I just casually grabbed a pair of jeans and white blouse. When I was about to close my wardrobe I spotted a jacket – a jacket that does not belong to me. It belongs to a precious friend whom I haven’t seen for awhile. It was early in the morning and the weather could be cold so I grabbed that jacket just in case I need it. It’s funny because although the jacket has been there for a long time I can still smell her scent. Before leaving the house I grabbed my bag and put on a black cap to hide my makeup-free face.

 

My manager then drove me to the filming location. The van was big but it was only myself at the back. There was no laughter or talking just silent. I used to hate how we had to cramp together in one small van. There was no room for us to stretch our legs but now I wished it’s cramped.

 

Has it been two years already? I lost count of time but I’m still not used to being alone. I wondered if the others feel the same as I am.

 

I closed my eyes and let them rest while my manager drives me to the filming location.

 

I felt the car stopped and that’s when I opened my eyes. The sky has already brightened.

 

“Soojung we’re here.” He called me and parked the car aside.

 

The assistant hoped off the van and she opened the door for me to come out. When she opened the door I can immediately feel the breeze blowing against my face. Good thing was I brought a jacket. I grabbed the black and white cardigan jacket that I forgot to return years ago and put it on. I felt warm all of a sudden.

 

I stretched my arms and legs before heading to where the crowd is. The crew was already setting up the camera and equipment. Seeing the scene and had read the script I suddenly felt excited. This will be the first time I’m filming an action drama and in this drama I’m playing as a policewoman. There will be a lot of fighting and gun shooting scenes instead of romance.

 

I greeted the director and all the other staffs with a smile and a bow. Another staff came to me and told me the rundown of this filming scene. The only time I can take my mind off the unnecessary thoughts is when I’m focusing on something else. I listened carefully to every of his words and showed them my professionalism.

 

The filming ended earlier than expected which was a good thing. I got dressed back in my clothes and hop back in the van after bidding everyone goodbye. The moment I was back to being alone my smile disappeared. It was tiring to smile for a long time but I had to otherwise people thinks I’m unreachable. This is how it is, if they don’t see my smile reporters and netizen think I’m being rude. Before I got my members to back me up but now I’m just alone.

 

The van drove off and I took my ipad out to check out news. I often read the showbiz news because that’s the only way to keep update with them. I scroll down the page and saw the name that captured my attention.

 

“Park Luna a new musical.”

 

I clicked on the article and read it.

 

Luna unnie has obtained another musical.

 

I quickly got my phone out because it’s so late so instead of giving her a call I decide to text her.

 

Congratulation for participating in another musical!

 

Within the two years’ time Luna unnie has been constantly doing musicals and singing OST for dramas. I don’t understand why our company wouldn’t let her debut as a solo artist because amongst the five of us Luna unnie loves music the most.

 

Music is her life.

 

Seeing how hard Luna unnie works motivates me and gives me the energy to not slack off. Sometimes I don’t even know if I want this kind of life but thinking about her it gives me strength. Although we are still in the same company but we hardly bump into each other. We are always busy with work or studies. But when we do get a chance to bump into each other even if it’s only for one minute Luna unnie will never forget to show her love towards me.

 

“Soojung-ah how are you?” “Are you doing well?” “I watched your drama you did great.”

 

These are the words she would always say to me and her smile never changed – still as bright as ever. Not only that she often text me messages and her messages never fails to cheer me up.

 

As for our leader, Victoria she is often in China. She is now known as The Queen of China and loved by all the people. She dominated a lot of the commercials and modelling for many brands. I would have to admit her career was far brighter in China compare to being an idol in Korea. I can see her smile smiling brighter than ever since she’s back in her home country. She hardly comes back to Korea, maybe two or three times a year or maybe less than that.

 

We sometimes call each other but most of the time we message each other. She is still the same leader as I used to know, always caring me like a mother and whenever I have problems she is the one I discuss with.

 

I am happy for her when she told me she found a guy. She even sent me his photo. He’s very tall and handsome. At first when the rumour leaked she didn’t admit to it she told me the company was against her admitting it openly. But Victoria unnie fought for it and now they are openly dating. I am just waiting for my wedding invitation. 

 

Sulli, I feel sorry for this girl. She went through a lot of criticism before the group split up. I still remember she called me one night crying out loud saying how painful she is feeling. I’m not the type that’s good at comforting people but I did my best to cheer her up. We were on the phone for the entire night.

 

Things got better when Sulli got a supporting role in a big production movie. Her acting skill was acknowledge by the nation and even received an award. I was so happy for her. I knew from long ago that Sulli’s dream was to become a successful actress. Being an idol was just a stepping-stone for her. She was never interested in music or dancing but though she didn’t she still tried her best.

 

And Last about Amber...

 

I never thought of this but Amber was the most hurt one when we received the news from company that they decided to give up on us. She is often seen as tough but that moment she cried. She didn’t say anything but just looking at her face I know what she is feeling and seeing her pained face hurts me too.

 

My phone suddenly blinked.

 

“Krystal... Amber, she’s drunk again.”

 

It was a message from Ailee and it wasn’t the first time I received such message from her friends. I lost count in the number of messages I’ve already received and every time I just ignored it. It’s been over a year since I last saw Amber. Though Amber was hurt because of the disband but she continued on with her music. She was working on music with her friends and other famous composers.

 

And our relation.... continued on just like how it was.

 

She is the one that makes me happy, confused and hurt.

 

There was a time we are very intimated and she gives me a feeling that I’m in love. Just being with her makes me happy and I would never feel bored. She plays with my feeling and makes me so confuse. For a moment it feels as if we’re dating then later it feels as if we’re just friends.

 

We had this deep feeling for each other that I cannot use any words to describe.

 

She makes me so confuse to the point that I had to cut it off.

 

I stopped seeing her; I start to ignore her calls and messages. I lied to her that I’m busy when I was just lying on my bed thinking about her.

 

I had to do this because nothing will work out.

 

Then I was so busy working in Japan that I wasn’t in Korea for most of the time. A year? Or half year? I forgot how long but something happened to Amber during that long period of time. I was told she was getting drunk all the time and gave up music. I was so worried when I heard that but I refrain myself from seeing her because if I did I might let my feelings take over me.

 

“Please Krystal... only you can help her stand back up.”

 

I got another message and my heart softens.

 

I told my manager to take me to her place. Slowly I walk to her door step and finally press the doorbell. It rang and seconds later the door opened.

 

“I’m glad you came. She’s been calling your name.” Ailee said with saddening eyes. I step inside and saw her half lying on her couch. The place smell like alcohol and so messed up. I was relief that Jackjack and Gongju is still surviving. Ailee gave me a pat on my shoulder before she left the place.

 

I looked at Amber, it was hard to believe she became like this. But instead of pity the girl I got angry. Everyone is working hard after the disband but here she is slacking off and doing nothing.

 

I got really angry.

 

I ran to the kitchen grabbing a big bowl and filled it with water. Holding it I came back to where Amber was. Without thinking I poured the bowl of cold tap water onto Amber’s face. She squirmed not knowing what just happened and still in a very drunk state. I place the bowl on the floor and angrily grabbed Amber’s collar. I roughly pulled her up and made her facing me.

 

“K...Krystal?” She mumbled. At least her mind is cleared up a bit.

 

“What are you doing? Why are you being so useless right now?” I shouted.

 

“Just leave me alone. I thought you’re not coming back.” She smacks my hands away and brushed her wet hair with her fingers.

 

I was angry, as well as hurt. I want to scream at her for being an idiot but I cried. I let my tears run down my cheeks.

 

“Do you know we all are working hard towards our goal but why are you like this? Where did the old Amber go?” I shouted with anger. At this very moment I just want to hit her and I did. I climbed on her and crazily swinging my arms, flying punches at her. She was trying her best to block my punches.

 

“I DID!  BUT I’M ALREADY AT MY LIMITS!” She shouted back which made me stop.

 

“After all, I don’t have talent for music.” She looks away, avoiding my eyes as she said those words.

 

“What do you mean? Remember you wrote Goodbye Summer?” I didn’t understand why she said that.

 

“It wasn’t just me who wrote that.” She said and there was a long silent pause in between until she spoke again. She straightens herself, sitting up properly on the floor and I got off her. “In these 2 years I really tried to work on something but every time I send my demo in it never made it to an album. Soon I couldn’t even write anything. So just leave me alone.”

 

My heart ached so badly.

 

“Amber I believe you. It’s just a matter of time. So stand back up.” I cried louder.

 

“ENOUGH!” She raised her voice. Her face looked so pissed and it was the first time to see her like this to me.

 

She stood up and the next thing I felt was her dragging me to the door, as I hugged onto her leg trying my best to stop her. But it was useless; she threw me out the door like a piece of junk.

 

“Just leave me alone.” She said and slammed the door shut, as I continued to cry.

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A/N: T________________T