Eun Ah stood in front of Yongguk's study and just staring at the door. She had been pacing to and from her bedroom to his study, unable to touch the knob.

She didn't really know why this was such a struggle. Theoretically, the bedroom should've been a much more harder room to overcome, but she had managed to do it.      

So she didn't know why this was so hard for her to do.

Her and Yongguk had spent a lot of time in that room together before they shared a bedroom. It was before they were even friends.

His study was essentially the setting to their relationship. Everything from the initial hatred to the mix friendliness to the confused butterflies to the full on heart beating a million miles a second.

All the stages had seen that room.

And if she walked in, she'd be feeding the last stage.

Heartbreak.

And she didn’t want to do it. She didn't want to complete the cycle. But the longer she stayed away, the harder it would be to come to terms with herself.

This was supposed to help her, this was supposed to make it easier to deal with the loss. But it didn't feel that way.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

She needed just 10 seconds of insane courage.

10

It was going to smell like him.

9

She wasn't going to see him bent over his table with that crease in his brows.

8

She was going to feel the butterflies from when he'd press her into the couch, kissing her senseless.

7

She wasn't going to hear his deep voice vibrate off the deep green walls.

6

She wasn't going to hear his soft snores when he'd fall asleep at his desk.

5

She wasn't going to feel her lips moving to form soft sentences from when they'd mumble across the room to each other.

4

She wasn't going to feel her breath run out when he'd pull her down on his lap before he'd continue to type things out.

3

She was going to see the picture of the two of them that he kept by his computer.

2

She wasn't going to see his bright smile when she whined about being bored.

1

Open.

She let out a loud shaky breath when she flicked the lights on.

When her eyes adjusted, she just wanted to scream.

It was too silent.

Nothing but the sound of the clock ticking on the wall. It filled her with a loneliness to know that the clock was still ticking on even though the owner of the room wouldn't be returning.

Time was still moving forward. So was life.

She knew that the room was going to be empty but some subconscious part of her was hoping to hear the sound of paper shuffling or fingers hitting the keyboard.

She stepped in, just as timidly as she did in their bedroom, but this time she didn't feel tears. She just felt the pain stabbing at her heart.

She moved soullessly, as if she was being compelled, towards his desk. Her eyes didn’t move from the spot as if staring at it would make him materialize in front of her.

She trailed her finger across the edge of the wooden desk before she collapsed into the chair.

She closed her eyes and leaned back against the chair. She could feel the chill in her bones when her skin met the cold leather.

It wasn't right. It was supposed to be warm from his body seated there every day.

But it wasn't.

And after Eun Ah would stand up, it'd stay that way.

She opened her eyes and took a minute to just stare at the couch that was set up across the from where she was sitting.

She wondered how many times he'd look up to make sure she was still in the room or still awake. She wondered what thoughts ran through his mind each time he saw her.

He was probably weirded out and annoyed at first.

But she couldn't imagine what she made him feel.

She ran her palms across the flat wood and picked up the silver frame. She felt the pain disappear as quickly as it hit her.

She just felt numb all over again. 

When did he change the picture?

For the longest time the frame held a picture of her and Yongguk smiling into the camera with their faces pressed close together. But sometime between the last time she was in that room and now, he had switched it out to another one.

A picture of her.

She was asleep on their bed, her body splayed out, rather unattractively, with her hair wildly spread around the pillow. The angle of the picture could only be from above. Which meant that Yongguk would have to be standing over her on the bed with his phone.

Which he probably was.

She hated him so much right then. She hated how he left her behind with all these torturous memories of him. She hated him for loving her more than someone like her had ever imagined she deserved.

She hated how he loved her so much and left behind a path of love that she didn't even know existed. He wanted her to know that he loved her even when he wasn't around.

She hated how she could never, ever hate him.

She felt parch up and suddenly she was craving for a drink. She needed something to stop her from drowning.

She yanked open his bottom desk drawer, where he'd keep a small flask of whisky. She frowned when the desk was empty except a few pieces of crumpled paper.

She pulled them out and smoothed them out with her hand. It was all messy handwriting and scratched out lines that made the word illegible. 

She shifted through each page until she landed on one that was neatly folded with his neater handwriting.

When she saw the two words on the top corner, she slammed the paper down and held her face in her hands.

'My Vows.'

She took and deep breath. She knew that whatever she was going to read would undeniably break her, but she knew that she didn't have the self control to put it back in the drawer and pretend like she hadn't seen it.

She sat up straighter and braced herself for the most heart breaking thing she was ever going to read.  

Hwang Eun Ah.

You are my echo.

When I first fell for you, I thought that it was all the things I had shouted out into the world, before knowing you, had come back to me in your form.

It was like everything that I  never thought I needed was given to me and I can only hope to do that same.

All the hopes and wishes, dreams and happiness that you have carried this far, I’ll spend the rest of my life making come true.

 If, in the far-off future, someone were to ask me what my life’s achievements were, I would say that it was the time I spent living by your side, spending forever with you, loving you and holding you.

I'm just one small strand of your collective brilliance,  but I promise to you now that, that has always been, and will always be, enough. 

Because for me, it’s not “I do” 

It always "was".

From day 1 you were always my first and last choice. I knew that you were in my life for good and I'm so glad that it didn't turn out any other way.

No one else could get on my nerves and make me forget my own name at the same time, like you do. You're a keeper. You always were.

I hope your parents are looking down on us with their blessings because I  want to get on my knees and thank them for having a daughter as  infuriating, arrogant,  loud mouthed, sarcastic, stubborn, snarky  and absolutely perfect as you.

Calling me a lucky man is an understatement.

I must be blessed.

You saw me.

You’ve taught me to trust.

How to let someone in, and what it truly means to fall in love.

I can’t possibly describe how much I love you but I'll keep repeating the words until they ring in your ears even when I'm not around to say them.

I can't wait for the rest of our lives. I can't wait for every special moment, every normal moment and every stupid moment that I'm going to get to spend with you. I can't wait for the lame jokes, the comfortable silences, the conversations between us that would never seem to end, the tired evenings and angry fights. I can't wait for every single moment, no matter how good or bad.

If it's with you, I can't wait.

You are the absolute living end for me.

I loved you before I even realized I did.

I love you not just because you’re meant for me, but because it's really hard for me to not like you.

Your name will always be safe on my lips and your heart will always be safe in my hands.

Thank you for loving me and thank you for choosing me as the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.

After three years of imagining you in a wedding dress seeing you in front of me feels unreal. It feels like I've finally found who I am supposed to be.

I promise that I will do everything in my power to shield you from anything that might hurt you and destroy anything that might make you cry.

You make my heart a better place, princess. So it's only fair that you get a whole section of it, all to yourself.

Hwang, if my heart was a house, you'd be home. So don't worry because at the end of day, I'll always come back  home.

I love  you.

Don't you dare forget that.

Eun Ah closed her eyes and finally let tears fall. She le