If he could turn back time, he would have left her at her apartment and taken Junhong home alone. He should've stayed out of her life and gone their separate ways. They were feelings he shouldn’t have felt. And someone whom he never should've had feelings for. Before those feelings grew… while he still had the chance to turn back… he should have left, he should've kicked her out before he was in too deep. Before he fell in love with her, before he gave her his soul and took her heart, he should've left. Long before she was the only thing he'd ever want and ever need. He thought that his heart racing every time he was around her would eventually fade with time. And then, he thought he’d be able to leave easily… But that was stupid naivety. It was just an excuse to stay by her side because he couldn't leave. He was selfish like that.

Yongguk was laying down on his stiff mattress, staring at the ceiling. He was glad that his partner had left before he came back from the bar because the first thing he did was sob and he didn't want anyone to see him.

He was pretty sure the last time he cried was three years ago when Eun Ah was kidnapped but now it felt ten times as horrible. He thought that maybe through distance, he'd be able to move on and focus on taking Ryu out but it was as if every moment away from her made him fall for her even more.

He would reminisce about the small moments with her that he had never experienced with anyone else and the way  she made him so alive, so invigorated. His heart would clench in longing when he'd walk into the kitchen and not see her cooking over the stove or to wake up in the morning without her warm body in his arms and pressed into his chest. It was such a small apartment but it felt too big without her there.

When he first left, there were times when he'd subconsciously call out her name or smell her on his clothes and he'd just freeze up.  He missed her more than anything in his life and he was just yearning to hold her again, even for a second.  He loved her, loved her to the point where he didn't even recognize himself.

He used to be so independent and cold and nothing would faze him but now he relied so much on her and even he could admit that he was soft because of her.

It felt like he was being tortured.

Just not being around her and not being able to see or hold her was hard enough but it was worse knowing that he was destroying her. He was ruining her life and he had no way to fix it because this is what he wanted.

He wanted to break her. He had to.

He  had to break her trust to make sure that she never tried to find him. It was his fault, he couldn't have really expected her life to be simple considering his past and the work he was into.

He groaned when he his side and felt a shooting pain run up his body. He slipped his hand under his sweater and prodded at his ribs and waist causing another stab of pain shoot up his torso. He hissed and grimaced before pushing himself off the mattress. He limped over to the dingy bathroom and closed the door behind him before sitting on the closed toilet. He pulled his sweater and t-shirt of his body, wincing in pain.

He grunted when he saw the stitches on the large knife wound on his side come apart and blood drip down his skin. It was like his side was cut open, it was one of his more problematic and violent wounds. 

"." He mumbled before walking to the kitchen and pulling out a bottle of vodka. He sauntered back into the bath room and grabbed the first aid kid from the cabinet before sitting at the bottom of the shower.

He gritted his teeth and pulled out the medical wire from his skin. He tossed it beside him and leaned his head back and clenched his eyes shut as he poured some of the vodka over his wound.  

He let out a loud groan and bit the bottom of his lip so hard that it started to draw blood at the stinging burn. He put the bottle down and shoved a small hand towel in between his teeth before pulling out a spool of medical wire and looping it through the disinfected needle.

He bit down on the towel to muffle his pained screams as he threaded the needle through his skin, sewing it back together like a piece of cloth. It was grotesque to watch himself as he stabbed the needle through his skin and pull his skin back into place like some sort of seamstress. He whimpered when his skin came together and tugged on it tightly before cutting the thread.

He removed the towel and just sat there at the bottom of the shower panting weakly trying to get over the pain. He stared dizzily ahead and tried to push the nausea down when he started to taste acid in his mouth. He looked down at his torso and admired the purple, black, blue, brown and yellow bruises that dotted his pale skin.

That was it.

Thatwas why he wanted her nowhere near him and this is why he couldn't just take down Ryu with her.

He wasn't just going after Ryu. He was ending his connection with the underground world so that he could finally give her the life she deserved.

People were pissed and didn't take his departure easily not when a lot of them were invested in B.A.P and needed his protection. People relied on him and his connections and some of them saw Yongguk as their only chance. They thought he was betraying them, leaving them out to dry. Not everyone was as lucky as him and they needed the gang world to survive, they needed him to survive.

So they were mad and they weren't afraid to show him now that he had no authority.

He couldn't do anything but apologize and close his eyes in submission while every person that thought he screwed over took turns beating on him. It took a physical toll on him and his body was starting to take longer to heal. He didn't even know how he was still alive. He was punched, kicked, cut, stabbed and burned but it was all worth it. It was worth a shot at living normally with the woman of his dreams.

He couldn't let her see what he was going through. If he knew that he was doing this for her, she would've made him stop, she would've felt guilty. It would've wrecked her.

He didn't want to be weighed down by his dark, violent past that seemed to keep putting her at risk and he didn't want to drag her down with him. He wanted to start fresh, he'd been thinking about it for a while and he figured that he had enough money saved up to start new with her until he found something else to do. He wasn't sure why his bank account kept growing but he didn't care.

Maybe Woon was still paying him or maybe there was an error in the system, but it was great because it meant that him and Eun Ah could still live happily.

His partner was furious with him, going on and on about letting people attack him. Yongguk never brought him along but he knew what the younger male was getting into. He lectured Yongguk, telling him to be careful  and not be reckless. It threw Yongguk off at how devastated the man was and how he was so concerned over him. He knew nothing other than the fact that Woon trusted him so his sudden kind gestures were always a little off putting. It was nice, but it made Yongguk uncomfortable.

He sighed and pushed himself up when the door swung  open.

"What the hell happened?!" The man raced in and kneeled in the shower beside Yongguk. "Did the wound open? Are you okay?"

He didn't like the man he was working with and he wasn't sure why, but he didn't trust him, so seeing him worry over Yongguk, confused him. He didn't know why the man treated him so kindly sometimes and other times act mysteriously. Sometimes he's fuss over him caringly, other times he'd snap a