Waking up every morning always comes with a relieved sigh and later a day full of uncertainties and trying to make the most of it, doing the things I thought I’d be missing and the things I won’t be able to repeat. As the sun goes down, the longing and more ‘what ifs’ and ‘maybes’ invade my head and one can only hope that the list of things of wants and believed to be needs would be finished before the ticking of the clock stops permanently. Eyelids closes and sleep pulls away the consciousness that is desperately prayed to stay and be broken as the sun rises the next day, that the soft and patterned intake of breath won’t cease because no matter how much one say that he’s ready to go, there’s always a small part that would be holding onto that thin line of life, gasping more of that slowly laboring breath and grasping that wavering strength – fighting for a chance to live just another day to do that one important thing, and maybe this time you can finally say that you’ve actually lived.

The sun rises again, sunlight kissing my cheek that’s turning colder by the day, winter having nothing to do with it but because another 24-hour had slipped off without any kind of progress. Time continued to tick by and the slow, steady sound brings anxiousness and relief of taking another set of breaths.

Still alive

Despite the feeling of every single day being a routine of sleeping and waking up, I hope each day to end up doing something that would make a day different than the others. Maybe doing something that wasn’t included in that short list, or maybe finally finishing that list and create a new one, or maybe finally be able to tell him the words that has been screaming at me, pleading to be voiced out because it knows how much time it has left before it turns to nothing but everything forgotten – like what I would probably end up.

But like every other people in the world, no matter how helpless everything may seem, we can’t help but create a kind of fallacy to call hope – a kind of promise that everything will turn out better in the end, that each step forward you take makes the smallest kind of change, the kind of change everyone is desperate for.

A miracle

That maybe your time would magically be longer, that you’re time isn’t running short, that it’s moving at a normal pace as those others around you.

The dying trees and growing pile of snow on the pavement begs to differ though

My year was almost up, and I can only beg whatever it was I believed in to somehow prolong it just enough for me to conjure up the courage to tell him, to finally have his hand intertwined with mine, or to finally feel his lips on mine, to hear him say that he felt the same way – that I’m more than just a friend.

Because he’s more than that to me, but I’m afraid to tell him because I was scared, a coward.

The first time I saw him, I knew he was the one, and having to know his name was enough to secure that theory. I’ve never believed in love at first sight because it never actually happened to me – and I never thought I’d be able to experience it. The sudden increase of my heartbeat when he first smiled at me, the nervousness and anxiousness that crept its way onto my system when our eyes first met, the floating and fluttering feeling when I first heard his voice; it was enough for me to realize that I had fallen in love for the very first time.

And it just might be my last.

I tried to distance myself, not letting myself get too attached knowing that it would only hurt more in the end, but the moment he replied to my introduction there was something that locked my fate with his; right then and there I knew I won’t be able to keep myself away from him no matter how much I wanted to – my heart wasn’t mine anymore, it was Kyungsoo’s.

And for the first time, I didn’t mind giving something away, reveling in the feeling of loving someone despite them not knowing, despite the fear of everything being short-lived, that maybe everything is just a desperate dream conjured up by a dying lonely soul and a broken heart.

I got closer to him; we became the best of friends, I got to know his favorite season, and noticed how spring could describe him the best. His personality was blooming each day, as bright and as colorful as the flowers that adorned the plain green trees and bushes, bringing happiness and joy to whoever looked at their beauty. And I was one of those onlookers, immediately hooked to the beauty of a person who was named Do Kyungsoo, and it only made me pray harder to have more time, just to have enough time spent with him to create memories filled with Kyungsoo to take with me when my time’s up. Just enough time to have my existence to be remembered by him, to have Kim Jongin’s name be meaningful to someone.

Because I was positive that death won’t be enough for me to forget Kyungsoo, the only word that had meant everything to me.

But fate was cruel and time was merciless, each day of subtle hugs and brushes of the hand came with the fear of my forever shortening life. I couldn’t find the courage to tell him the feelings I was b with, afraid to damage a strong friendship that we’ve established, fear of rejection because my want to be together with him was too strong.

Each step closer screamed of a hundred goodbyes I refused to acknowledge

I was terrified of ending up enjoying his love and have it painfully stripped away from me when the time comes – because it will surely hurt me.

Because it will surely hurt him

So I hid everything, kept them bottled up that it choked me up each night, sobbing uncontrollably alone in the middle of my bed under the moonlight, angry at everything because why would the heavens let me fall in love when they knew I wouldn’t live long to enjoy it? Why meet my true love when he would only be left alone because his other half won’t be there forever? Why has my heart ended up belonging to someone knowing I won’t be able to have his in return?

Kyungsoo deserved someone better, someone healthier and will stay by his side and grow old with him.

He doesn’t deserve me

Instead of voicing it out, I wrote them down, summoning all the words I deemed worthy to put into words the overwhelming feelings I’ve hidden away for so long – all of the fear, the disappointment, the apologies, the love.

Because I knew there wouldn’t be anyone else I’d be falling in love with even if time permits, it’s him and forever it will be him. And so I forced myself to do something my heart had refused to do so, but my brain agreed to be something right – I loved him alone.

Because all of Kyungsoo’s yeses are my every no, all of his steps forward are my backward ones, all of his right answers are my wrongs, his freedom is my cage. But despite all the differences, I wanted to look at him straight in the eyes and scream an l love you because it just might be my only yes, the only step forward I was left to do, the only right answer I could do, the only freedom I could have.

Because he was Kyungsoo, the only reason to my every sigh of relief each morning and the only thing I look forward to each night, the only one I willingly gave my heart to because I know it’s the safest place it can ever be. He’s the only person I wanted to have my inexistent forever with. He was my ray of hope I was desperately holding onto, the reason for me to picture out an impossible future with him.

And all I could do was to silently apologize from being too selfish that I hid my feelings for him because I was a coward, that I was the only one I allowed to give the romantic kind of love in the short of time we had, even asking him of doing something that might be impossibly ridiculous for him – don’t forget me. Because I wanted to be remembered by Kyungsoo, even if it’s just that special friend who was kind, loving and caring.

Being your friend is enough for my lifetime

The letter was done, addressed to the only person I love, had loved, and will love

Somehow I knew it was my last night, there wasn’t enough breath in my lungs to reach the next sunrise and say a proper goodbye, and all I could do was cry out an apology to Kyungsoo because time was heartless. I wasn’t meant to be with Kyungsoo but I never did regret falling in love with him. I wasn’t meant to feel that kind of happiness with him but I never regretted having to see his smiles or hearing his melodious laugh.

Weakly, I looked at my calendar and chuckled at the date I’ve encircled with red ink – my deadline. Three weeks have passed since my last day, and realizing I was able to spend three more weeks with Kyungsoo made me smile.

I was right

Kyungsoo was that ray of hope my life needed – my miracle

And I was thankful for him, for the friendship he shared with me and hoping he’d find someone deserving of his love, of his heart – because it was the purest I’ve seen.

I was happy to have given my heart to him, and I wasn’t planning on taking it back. He doesn’t have to take care of it, doesn’t have to love it back, it’s been happy without the return of feelings and it’d be just fine just being there beside his own – being the heart of that friend he once had, the friend who came into his life and disappeared with nothing but a letter.

I was content

I’ve fallen in love, is in love, and will continue to love Kyungsoo

With a smile, I closed my eyes, feeling the cold climb and seep into my body, freezing all the working parts and lulling them into their final movement. My heartbeat slowed down, my breathing further apart.

Maybe Kyungsoo will have a white Christmas this year

Memories of Kyungsoo flooded my mind, and I was happy to leave.

It must have been the only time where I understood what selfless love was, and all I did was fall in love.