“What’s more painful? When a person whom you trusted, hurts you or the person whom you hurt, still trust you…” 

Dear Diary,

The meaning of being a mother is virtually endless. A mother is a protector, disciplinarian and friend. A mother is a selfless, loving human who must sacrifice many of their wants and needs for the wants and needs of their children. No matter what they do or say, being a mother means she will love her child unconditionally. That was what I learned from my mother and his mother.

Because I wanted to save and protect So Won, I know I’ve been very selfish and hurt a lot of people in the process. I believe anybody who heard my story would think that I was the victim and the most painful one. But what about him? Looking at his expression after I told him everything, I realized one thing. He was a victim too. People used to say truth hurts but lying is more painful. He was kept in the dark for 9 years and his heart was being torn apart slowly when each and every truth exposed in front of him. He was not given a chance to choose what he wants. I decided everything without telling him the truth. And same goes to his parents.

This was the first time I saw him cried so badly. His whole body was trembling. He knew what he wants but because everyone around him was trying to control and decide everything for him, he became lost. He wanted to fight but he was afraid that history will repeat again. He doesn’t want to lose So Won, doesn’t want to lose me again. I wanted to hold tightly on him and tell him let’s fight together. Let’s not back off like what we did last time. But can I do that? Should I be stronger this time and fight for him? I don’t know.

Love,

Shin Hye

-----------------------------------------------------------

9 years ago…

After Park Shin Hye left the hospital, she felt very lost and didn’t know where to go. She got down from the taxi at a bus stop in Dongdaemun. She can’t remember how long she has been sitting there but she realized the sky was already dark when heavy rain started to pour along with her heart being washed away. She wrapped herself tightly with her arms as the heavy rain has already made her soaking wet and she shivered as a gush of wind blew.

The rain has finally stopped after a long time. Shin Hye took a look at her watch before she put her hand on her stomach and her heart started to race. It was already 10pm. She knew she can’t sit here like that doing nothing. Her parents will found her if she didn’t find a place to hide. She will catch people’s attention sitting here like this. She took her wallet out and pulled the name card from one of the compartments.

“Call me if you need my help one day.”

Kim Mi Kyung’s voice replayed in her mind. She looked at the name card for a long minute before she took her phone out and switched it on. There were 45 missed calls. 35 from her parents and 10 from Min Ho. She knew she have to make the call quickly before someone call her phone again. She pressed the numbers according to the name card and waited impatiently for the other side to answer. Her heart almost stopped when the call was answered within few rings.

Kim Mi Kyung: Yoboseyo.

Shin Hye: (silent)……

Kim Mi Kyung: Yoboseyo… Who is that?

Shin Hye: … It’s me, Park Shin Hye.

Kim Mi Kyung: (silent)……

Shin Hye: I-I’m sorry to call you this late. But… I really need your help.

Kim Mi Kyung: What happened? Why is your voice like that? Are you sick?

Shin Hye: C-Can… can I see you… now?

Kim Mi Kyung: Where are you? I’ll come now.

Shin Hye: Dongdaemun, in front of Acacia Hotel.

Kim Mi Kyung: Okay.

----------

Shin Hye stood up instantly when she saw an expensive black car stopped in front of her. Kim Mi Kyung stepped out of the car with her eyes widened in shock. She walked towards Shin Hye and scanned her from top to toe.

“What happened to you? Your whole body is wet.” She placed her palm on Shin Hye’s pale face. “And you are having fever. Let’s go. I send you to the hospital.” She said as she pulled Shin Hye’s hand but stopped by her. Kim Mi Kyung turned around and looked at her in confusion.

Tears started to roll down her cheeks. “I can’t go to the hospital.”

“Why?” Kim Mi Kyung asked.

Shin Hye inhaled deeply before looking at her. “I’m pregnant.”

Kim Mi Kyung’s eyes were widened even bigger now and looked at her in horror. “P-Pregnant?”

“Please help me. I can’t go home now. My father forced me to abort the baby. Please save my baby.” Shin Hye paused and bit her lip. “It’s Min Ho’s baby.”

Kim Mi Kyung closed her eyes briefly before letting out a sigh. “Go inside the car first. You need to change to dry clothes and I need to give you something for your fever. Your body is shivering and the fever is not good for the baby.”

Shin Hye nodded slowly as she followed her and stepped into the car.

----------

Shin Hye walked out from the washroom after a hot shower, wearing a bathrobe. Kim Mi Kyung was sitting on a sofa chair in the hotel room, immersed in her deep thought. Her attention was caught by Shin Hye when she saw her walking out from the washroom. She stood up and looked at Shin Hye.

“Sit down on the bed. I need to do a simple check-up for you.” She said as she walked over to the bed with her medical bag. She took a seat beside Shin Hye and opened her bag. She took the sphygmomanometer and wrapped the cloth cuff around her arm as she placed the stethoscope diaphragm below the cuff, checking her blood pressure. After a while, she unwrapped the cuff and took a thermometer from her bag. She gently placed it in Shin Hye’s ear. She read the temperature on the thermometer before she looked at Shin Hye. “38.5c, a slight fever. I think it was caused by the rain. Is there anywhere else you don’t feel well? Nausea? Headache?”

Shin Hye shook her head softly. “I just feel a bit tired.”

Kim Mi Kyung nodded her head as she gently pulled Shin Hye up and helped her to lean against the headboard. She took a box out from her bag again. “Since you are pregnant and your fever is not too serious, I won’t give you any medicine for now.” She said as she took a fever pad out from the box and placed it on Shin Hye’s forehead.

Shin Hye squirmed when she felt the sudden coolness touched her skin.

Kim Mi Kyung pulled the comforter up to cover her body. She then let out a long sigh before looking at Shin Hye. “How many weeks already?” She asked softly.

“Six weeks.” Shin Hye looked down.

“Did Min Ho know about it?” She asked again.

Shin Hye quickly looked up at her and shook her head. “No. He didn’t know. I already broke up with him. I won’t see him again. I’ll keep my promise.”

Kim Mi Kyung sighed again. “How can you… how can both of you do this kind of thing? You two are just 18 years old. Don’t you know as a girl you have to protect yourself? No matter how much you love that guy you have to control yourself and protect yourself. What are you going to do with the baby? You are so young and your future is still a long way to go.”

Tears started to flow from her eyes as she sobbed very hard. “It has nothing to do with Min Ho. It was my fault. If I didn’t go out that night, if I didn’t drink the orange juice, if I let Min Ho bring me to the hospital, everything won’t happen now. It was my fault.” Shin Hye cried.

“What are you talking about? What orange juice? What hospital?” Kim Mi Kyung asked in confusion.

Shin Hye tried to sniff in hard to avoid more tears before she looked at her. “I was drugged with aphrodisiac pill. Min Ho wanted to send me to the hospital but I refused because I’m worried my parents will find out.” She bit her lips and looked down. “I was very painful and suffered. Min Ho helped me and we…” She continued but unable to finish the sentence.

“You were drugged? When?” Kim Mi Kyung’s eyes widened as something crossed her mind. “Last month when he was grounded, there was one night he didn’t come home. That night I gave him back his phone. That night when I… ” She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply.

After a while, Kim Mi Kyung opened her eyes. “You were right. It’s not Min Ho’s fault but it’s not yours either. It was mine. It was my fault.” She let out a deep sigh.

Shin Hye was confused with what she said. That incident has nothing to do with her. How can it be her fault?

Kim Mi Kyung looked at Shin Hye again. “Are you planning to run away from your parents just like that? They will call the police and look for you. It’s not as simple as you think. Especially you are underage.”

“I know but I can’t go back to them. My father will force me to abort the baby. He might look around for me but I think he won’t call the police.” Shin Hye paused as she looked away. “He wouldn’t want anybody to know about it. He wouldn’t make it big because he can’t let his students and parents know about what happened to his shameful daughter.”

She looked back at Kim Mi Kyung. “I know it’s too much to ask for your help but I really don’t know who I can look for. Please help me. The baby is innocent.” She begged her. More tears rolling down her cheeks. “You told me before. As a mother, you were just protecting your son and you don’t expect me to understand. But I understand now. I really do. I just want to protect my baby too. I can feel his/her heartbeat inside of me. I know what I’m going to face in the future if I make this decision but I’m willing to take the consequences. I know what you are afraid of. But I promise you, I won’t let myself and the baby to bring any harm to Min Ho. I will still keep my word. He won’t know about all these.”

Shin Hye took her hand and slowly put on her stomach as she looked deep into Kim Mi Kyung’s eyes. “This baby is your grandchild. Please help me. I just need a place to hide until the baby is born. Please.” She continued to beg.

Kim Mi Kyung’s gaze dropped down to her stomach and she sighed deeply. She then nodded her head softly.

Shin Hye bit her lower lip as she let out a grateful smile. “Thank you. Thank you.”

Kim Mi Kyung caressed her hand gently. “Don’t think too much. You still have fever. Lie down and get some sleep. I’ll come back to see you tomorrow. Don’t worry about other things. I’ll arrange for you. Call me if you are not feeling well tonight, okay?”

Shin Hye nodded.

----------

“From now on you will stay here. I’ll come to see you when I’m free. Since it’s not convenient for me to bring you to the hospital, I’ve arrange an obstetrician to come here to give you a check-up every 2 weeks. She is a close friend of mine, so you don’t need to worry. I’ll bring you to her clinic if you need to do the ultrasound later.” Kim Mi Kyung said as she showed Shin Hye around the house.

“This house is my personal property and no one knows about it. This place is quite far away from the city so I don’t think anybody could find you here.” She paused as she turned to the middle age woman beside her. “This ahjuhma will be staying here with you, taking care of you. If you need anything, just tell her, she will prepare for you.”

Shin Hye looked at the woman and bowed at her politely. She then turned back to Kim Mi Kyung when she passed her a phone.

“You can call me anytime using this phone. I think it will be better for you not to use your own phone now in case anyone could find you.” Kim Mi Kyung continued.

“Thank you. And… sorry to trouble you.” Shin Hye said softly.

Kim Mi Kyung gave the woman a signal and she immediately leaves them alone. Kim Mi Kyung held Shin Hye’s hand as she pulled her to the couch. She sighed before looking at Shin Hye. “You don’t need to feel sorry because somehow I have the responsibility to take care of you. Since you already decided to keep the baby and I’ll respect your decision. But I just want you to understand; taking care of a baby alone is not as simple as you think. You have to be very strong because the path you decided to walk will be very hard.”

Shin Hye looked up at her with a weak smile. “I know. From the first day I decided to keep the baby, I know it won’t be easy. But everything that happened was my fault. I have to be responsible on what I have done and tried my best to protect this innocent life. I know it’s hard but I won’t give up.”

Kim Mi Kyung sighed again before she let out a soft smile. “Since the first time I saw you, I know you are very strong. You are willing to sacrifice everything for the one you love. As his mother, I’m grateful that you love him so much. But at the same time, I’m sorry that I have to be selfish to protect my son from all this mess.”

“I understand. You don’t need to be sorry. I don’t want to drag him into all this as well.” Shin Hye said.

“Don’t think too much and rest more. Ahjuhma will take care of you. I’ve already arranged the doctor to do the first check-up for you tomorrow. We will come around 10am.” Kim Mi Kyung said as she looked at her watch. “I can’t stay here for long. I’ll come again with the doctor tomorrow.” She continued as she stood up of the couch and walked towards the door. Before she goes, she turned around and looked at Shin Hye. “There are some books in the paper bag.” She pointed at the coffee table. “I don’t know what kind of books you like to read but I saw you holding a novel when I see you in the school last time. I guess you like to read.”

Shin Hye smiled as she bowed slightly at her. “Thank you so much. I love to read anything.”

Kim Mi Kyung nodded. “Okay. I got to go now. Just call me if you need anything or not feeling well. Ahjuhma will take care of your meal. Just tell her if you want to eat anything. Okay?”

“Thank you.” Shin Hye smiled.

----------

“I heard from ahjuhma that you went out yesterday and only came