FORTY

She had been pacing inside her house almost all morning since she got up until she decided to clean all the unused utensils and dishes. It was pretty lame since they would all be used only whenever Yonghwa was home. The silent twinge of pain crept through her as she ended up remembering him and what she was about to do.

That feeling and all else seemed to come in a blur as she spun around seeing him right there in front of her. She thought it was Taeyeon who came in silently the way she usually would. Seohyun thought she wouldn’t have to deal with him this soon.

“Oppa?! What are you doing here?” She wiped her hands dry on her shirt, her eyes glued on him forgetting what she decided last night. That magnetic field pushing her to him until she found herself standing in front of him pulled in his arms.

“Hey,” Yongwa sighed totally unaware of the storm taking permanent storm in the pit of her stomach.

Seohyun closed her eyes feeling his warm breath on one side of her neck, her hands holding on to his arms as if she needed anchor to keep herself on her feet. She needed to be close to him—closer than this. She wanted him to hold her like he never held her before. She wanted him to hold her even if she would tell him to let her go.

With that, her hands loosened their grip on him. Seohyun swallowed the pain that clogged .

Yonghwa pulled away a little but his hands settled on her hips. He smiled, “Hi….”

“Hi…” Seohyun replied then bit the insides of her cheeks trying so hard not to break down and cry just because of that innocent smile. But Yonghwa bent closer and kissed her lips for just a short moment that she wanted it longer than it should be.

Last kiss. Her mind reminded her heart and it hurt some more.

Yonghwa held her tighter like he knew she would let him go soon. That particular corner of her neck where his lips rested so close tingled shooting lightning through her soul.

“How are you?” Yonghwa asked against her skin.

“Good,” she lied.

“I miss you,” he whispered when her neck arched as if giving him way to trail kisses on her skin.

Seohyun gasped nodded, it was too hard to think, “Yeah.”

“You’re being monosyllabic.”

She could feel him grinning. Seohyun hated it. He was making it hard for her to be cruel— to do what she ought to be doing not just accepting how her body reacted to his. She hated that he was making it really really hard for her, “I’m not being monosyllabic.”

She hated it. She hated herself some more so she murmured, “There. That wasn’t one syllable.”

“Now you’re being sarcastic,” Yonghwa smirked angling to kiss her better but her hands slipped off his body. A wave of nausea swept slowly through her. He looked at her solemnly this time as if he was near realization, “What’s wrong?”

Seohyun shrugged and turned away from him, “Nothing’s wrong, I’m tired, Oppa…  just too busy.”

“You’re never not too busy,” Yonghwa said from behind and he fell silent for a moment before continuing with a biting tone, “That’s not it. Let’s cut the chase and tell me what’s wrong so we can work it out.”

Seohyun spun around, “It’s not—“ She sighed not knowing how to go on because every reason would be another lie and Yonghwa could see through her and he would probe her further. He would definitely let the truth she didn’t want him to know come out. She couldn’t let that happen because it would only complicate things for them. She breathed so heavily before meeting his questioning eyes and replied before her chance pass, “I think we need some downtime…”

“Downtime? We barely spend time together and you want a downtime?”

“Hmmm… I’m just thinking. We’re both too busy lately maybe it’s better if we don’t see or contact each other that much.”

The moment Yonghwa decided to close the gap between them, her breath quickened looking at the confused frown he was wearing, “I don’t understand, Seohyun. Why?”

She looked away again and crossed her arms on her chest like protecting herself from the onslaught, “Uhm, it’s just that… I-I think we cannot really make this work—”

“Seo Joohyun, look at me, tell me,” Yonghwa stood one step away from her now. One hand resting on her arm, another lifting her chin, pulling her eyes back at him and tugging her heart. She couldn’t look at that solemn yet perturbed expression; but she had to. “I promised I will make this work and you should do your share too. What is this, really?”

“I’m tired, okay? I’m tired of waiting for you!” Seohyun said ever so suddenly sounding desperate, “I’m tired of this… I’m tired of being scared that one day another paparazzi or someone else would discover us!”

She swallowed the vile in her words, the lie that made them even bitter. Going through this needed an ounce of courage but not telling him the whole truth was Seohyun being coward. The contradiction was biting her hard. Her voice mellowed as his face still seemed to figure her out, “I… I’ve been naïve believing that we could make it. Oppa, I don’t anymore, I’m sorry…”  

“I…” he coughed a little like the words got stuck on his throat.

Her legs were wobbly like her heart was weighing her down. Slowly, her knees bended as her legs folded in front of her and she had to hug them to keep her balance.

“I thought you just want a downtime,” Yonghwa murmured almost to himself, “Are you saying now that you want a break up?”

Hearing him say that was even more painful than she imagined—everything seemed worse than she imagined. She shook her head as her tears fell softly yet uncontrollably, “D-don’t want this anymore…  I don’t want this kind of relationship! I don’t want this kind of life!”

“What? Hyun, do you want me to tell everybody?” He said through gritted teeth and eyes bloodshot. Yonghwa sounded angry and she had never seen him like this. Then his voice thundered, “Let’s come out then! I don’t care!”

“You’re just saying that now but you won’t, you can’t!” Seohyun spat back without really thinking. The silence that followed was inevitably painful.

Then Yonghwa shook his head, “No… no, I can… Watch me…”

Confusion drifted over her for a short second until she saw the determination in his eyes. Yonghwa started walking away and her instincts kicked in that she found herself gripping his wrist. “Oppa, no… I just don’t- “ she didn’t really know what to say. “I-I’m just…. I’m just tired, please Oppa, go, just go… this is over. Don’t—”

“No… no…” Yonghwa shook his head vehemently. This time, his eyes searched hers with frantic need to figure out what was really wrong. Then he spoke softly like he was back on the days he was trying to win her heart, “Hyun, will you think about it first?”

Seohyun was choking up turning her head to the side so she wouldn’t have to endure that sight of him but Yonghwa cupped her cheeks in his desperate hands, “Please think about it. I will do whatever you want, baby, okay? Downtime?” He attempted a smile but it was too forced and patronizing, “Okay, let’s have that… let’s have a downtime then. I can give you that much, baby—”

But she shut her eyes tight and shook her head and when she opened her eyes again, she was even more determined. Seohyun would hurt him now so she won’t hurt him more in the future. “What I want is to break up with you. Why is that so hard to understand?!”

“Because it’s fcking bull!”

She almost jumped and instinctively took a few steps back as his hands dropped on his sides.

“Hyun,” his voice softened again reaching out to touch her, “I’m sorry… I was just…”

“Don’t touch me…” she said in a small voice. Yonghwa balked. Something in his eyes frightened her.

“This will never be over. We will never be over…”

“Minho kissed me okay?! We kissed!” Seohyun said sharply. Her mind was just spiraling, she didn’t even know what she was saying until the terror in his eyes flas