TWISTED BEGINNING

I am just a typical girl who didn’t know what she really likes in a guy. Not until I met the guy who would influence my entire being.

I am just in my freshman year in college and I seriously had a culture shock, because I am so fond of high school, before I thought that the world that I am in when I was in high school is already big but when I enter college I realized that the world that I perceived as big is as tiny as a dime compare to the current world that I am in. I nearly cried on my first day of class, my thoughts were bombarded with a lot of things and I seriously wanted to go home already. The shock continued for the rest of the week, yeah I already have friends but I still feel lonely, well they’re great and all but maybe it’s because their preference is different from mine. Just then I decided to join an organization and luckily I passed and became an executive committee in our institute’s student council. And because God is great, He had given me the set of friends where I truly belong, as the old saying goes, “tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are” indeed they resemble me in many ways. Everything is going smooth for the succeeding weeks.  The shock is slowly drifting away. I am an organization-oriented kind of student (if there is such a thing) that’s why I enjoyed me being an executive committee and the rest of the officers were so kind and all so it’s easy to adjust, I even had a crush on the student council president. But there’s one officer that I haven’t met yet, all I know is he and I have the same course and he is 1 year ahead of me, I had heard a couple of things about him that makes him so mysterious for me like, he is too religious, too quiet and an instance wherein the vice-president saw him in a mall alone and when he asked him who is he with, he answered “with the Lord”, weird eh? From then on I had anticipated the day that I will meet him.

The day..

It was my first ever event project as an executive committee so I was a bit nervous and excited, when everything is set and the program had started I am chatting with my cousin which was enrolled in the same university and belong to the same institute as mine turns out to be my co-executive committee, isn’t it amazing? I am in the middle of conversation with my cousin when he shifted his gaze to the side and said “look, it’s the representative” and I was like who? Then I shifted my gaze to the person he is referring to, as soon as I saw the representative my whole attention is shifted to him and I silently muttered to myself “finally”. I cannot take my eyes off of him, he is indeed mysterious, I don’t know why but right then and there his whole existence became a mystery for me, like a jigsaw puzzle that I have to solve. I unconsciously walked towards him but when I am one step closer he started walking out of the door. I can’t help but feel sad, I am so close. From then I looked forward to meeting him and hopefully know him better.

Last Friday of June 2010..

I invited two of my friends to come with me in the student council office since we still have time before our next class and as soon as I open the door I am welcomed by an angelic smile, a smile that can make my heart pound so fast and it belonged to him, the representative, he was sitting in his desk, I am struck by his angelic and mysterious aura, plus the sun shine so bright that day and the sun rays directly complemented his white skin. I was put back into my consciousness when my friend pat my back in confusion as to what had happen to me. I successfully manage to say hello and gladly he replied. I instructed my friends to sit down on the couch and I was struck again for the second time that day when he speak “Hey, what’s your name?” again with his angelic/mysterious smile. Right then and there I gathered all my strength and walk towards him, “this is it!” I muttered to myself and flash a smile before telling him my name and we shook hands, his hands were so soft and comforting. I manage to introduce my friends then he began asking questions like, what year I am, what course, and so on, I enjoyed talking to him, I literally don’t want to end it. And I notice his notebook on the desk and I am curious as to why the notes were written differently, I asked “hey is that alibata?”, “nope it’s baybayin” he answered again with his signature smile, “can you write my name with that?” I blurted out without thinking but he wrote it immediately. I was amazed, not with just the baybayin but to him. I was totally into our conversation that I didn’t notice the time, he needed to go. We said our goodbyes and also left the office. I apologize to my friends for ignoring them, they understand anyways. After that meeting I could not stop thinking about him, I want to know him more, see him more, talk to him more, he’s like my personal brand of heroine, I thought to myself replicating Edward Cullen in twilight. From then on I knew that I like him, was it love at first sight?

 

From then on I started to see him more often it was like I have a radar in my head that directly lead me to him, the university is so big but I always manage to bump into him, maybe because we have the same course but I began to think differently when one morning I decided to go early in school to review for my exams and it was 6:00 am in the morning and I know there would be like 5-10 students who would be there and just as I was about to go to the pavilion to review I saw him walking in my direction and my heart beats so fast for the nth time. I was like why would he be in here so early? Why would he be in the same route as mine? My mind is filled with why’s? And it was followed by an afternoon incident wherein me and my friends waited outside our next classroom and when we entered the room there is a notebook and a scientific calculator in my desk and when I look at the calculator there is a name printed on it that states “Michael” no surname attached and my heart instantly beats so fast I also scan the notes and I instinctively knew that it belong to him. I started to panic, pacing back in forth the room, my friends were like ‘call him already, text him’. I composed myself and text him asking if he lost something and after 2 minutes he replied, “yeah, where are you? thank you so much” and I had a mini heart attack! I texted where I am and immediately fix myself, well more like my friends fix myself (supportive friends) they even set a video for it! I was nervous as hell until I saw him walking towards me with his angelic smile that melts my heart everytime, he thank me and go. I scream at the top of my lungs! And again my mind is filled with why’s, of all students in the university it was me who manage to find his belongings? and from then I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, we’re meant to be. My feelings begin to grow each day and he became my inspiration, role model, my love. Since I started liking him I never felt anything so special towards another, it’s like he is all I want, all I need. I became like a stalker and with the help of my friends I’d able to stalk him like 24/7? Hahaha, I even called my stalking as ‘ninja moves’ well I manage to know everything about him. My ‘meant to be feels’ became more intense when I learned that my sister and his brother were friends, I was like WE ARE MEANT TO BE! I continued to like him (love him) for 3 years and when he was in his senior year we barely met, because of OJT and stuffs. I became lonely, I don’t know how many times I’d told myself to let go, to move on, to not believe the meant to be thingy, but my heart took over my mind.

As day goes by I miss him less, I seldom look for him, yearn for him, I thought I loved him less… But when I saw him again in the school gate one afternoon, my heart beats so fast I could win over a sports car, my eyes were glued to him, my mind was flooded with thoughts of him, I realized that I miss him so much I can’t breathe properly. He smiled at me and asked “hey, how are you?” and I smiled back and answered “fine”.

 I followed him with my stare. Loving him is like a drug. I am addicted to him. I am drowned with his every move. I loved him with everything that I am. To the point that I am so scared with what I am feeling. My friends asked me, “what if he fall inlove with someone else? What would you do?” well.. this question was like an arrow that strike my heart. I answered, “I think I’ll die” then I laughed. I would not die, but my heart will. How pathetic right?

 

MASSIVE HEART BREAK

Then the day that I loathe came. I was browsing facebook then something got my attention. A certain post leads me to a mini heart attack. It was a picture of him…. With a girl. And the caption really triggered my tears. Finally, someone has captured his heart, someone made his heart pound a thousand times per second, someone made him fall. And that someone is NOT ME. HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND. HE IS IN LOVE… BUT NOT WITH ME. I was right, I did not die but my heart did. I am so hurt I just want to disappear. The next day I told my friends about it and they comfort me, told me things that meant to comfort my wounded heart, the hurt ease a bit but the pain continued to linger with my whole being. I tried my best to smile and laughed so that my friends would not be sad for me anymore. I don’t want them to be sad just because of me. But 2 of my friends know me too well and I know they didn’t believe my pretense. They comfort me the most, they made me feel that they understand, that it’s okay to be hurt, to cry. And I am thankful to them. Not seeing him is a good thing for I let my heart heal a bit. Until the day came that I manage to smile truthfully. I was back to being me, however a part of me is still broken eh? You cannot just moved on you know. I decided to let go, to move-on? But there’s one thing left to do. Confess. I want him to know so that I will not be haunted with regrets and what if’s. I called him and luckily he answered, I told him to meet me up on Wednesday in the afternoon and he said “sure”. I waited for the day, I practice a million times the things that I want him to know, I mentally made a script. Crazy right? I don’t want to be haunted by what if’s so I am doing this.

 

CONFESSION DAY

And the day came! It’s Wednesday! I will meet him in the afternoon after the seminar. I fix myself and I am so nervous I can collapse. Then afternoon came, even my friends were nervous for me. I waited, he hasn’t arrived. I still waited. I waited until 9pm. But guess what? HE DIDN’T SHOW UP. How nice right? I thought that I am immune to the pain already, but I am not. The pain is indescribable.  Well, I guess it’s a way of telling me that it’s not meant to be. I cried my lungs out on my way home. I don’t care if people will stare at me. When I arrived home I still cried myself to sleep.

It hurts to be rejected unintentionally, to be hurt by someone who is not aware that you are hurting. I can’t blame him, because I should not.

ACCEPTANCE

After crying a river I composed myself, regain myself and begin to accept things. Well it’s not easy but I have to. Come to think of it, he brought me a lot of good things, I am who I am now partly because of him. I look up to him, set him as my role model, thinking that “if he can do it, then I also can”. Therefore, I became a better person. It’s time to accept the fact that I am just a friend. It amaze me how being curious to someone leads to falling, how one smile can make my day, how a simple pat on the shoulder can boost my energy, how can a hand shake can turn every negativity in me to positive ones and how can a hug can ease my troubled heart. He had made my college life more colorful. He even drew me closer to God. He is perfectly imperfect for me. How lucky is the girl who has his heart. I hope and pray that she would love him like I want to.

 

A week before the school year ends I saw him. And I decided to talk to him, to put an end to this once and for all. I bought something for him as a graduation/thank you gift and I was supposed to give it to him when I was about to confess but since he didn’t came I’ll just give it to him now. I walk towards him, not minding that it’s 5 minutes before my class.

“hey ____can I talk to you?”

“oh hi ___ yeah sure”

“here, it’s for you. Thank you so much for everything.”

“what’s this for?”

“just don’t asked. I want to thank you for everything, you’ve done a lot of good things to me.”

And our conversation ended with smiles, I smiled then he just smiled and said,

“thank you too.”

Then I turn around and walked my way to the classroom. I sit down and not minding my friends questions. I finally put an end to it, although I did not elaborate my whole feelings, a thank you is enough I think. Well he is a bright man so I guess he already knew what I wanted to say. When the class ended I told my friends what happen and they are like “why didn’t you explain further? He might not get it, what if he realized that you are the one?” and I just shrugged my shoulders and went home.

Well, if it’s meant to have me and him there will be.

After that I didn’t see him and I am looking forward to my last year in college without him. Before, I thought a school year without him is as worst as a world without water but I knew that I can cope up. Its time to let go of things, to center my life with myself, besides I have 9 amazing friends to make my school year a crazy memorable one!

After 4 months it was our general assembly and our organization shirt is made up by HIM and I guess I still had that radar because when I look back while walking I saw him. He welcome me with a hug and hug him back and right then and there I knew that I still love him but I also accepted the fact that we are just friends. For me, once you love someone you cannot unlove them, the feelings remain but it will be different.