“You’re stalking her now?” Sunggyu asked him first thing in the morning.

“It says here she likes Muse too.” L tried to lead Sunggyu away from a sensitive topic about that they might talk about if he found out. He took a glance of her account last night and his mind tried to find the reason why her username was familiar, but he was too tired to do so. Thankfully his mental note of searching for her online overcame his forgetfulness this time.

“Oh really? I hope we spent more time with her because she looks like a potential–“

L turned at the man on his back. “Girlfriend?”

“Forget it. Actually Jinhee feels like more of a younger sister.”

“You’r lying, hyung.”

“I’ve no time for relationships. If you’re interested in her, well, you’re sure gonna have you kicked if you started dating and–“

L stood up from his seat and pushed the space between them. “Whoa, whoa, hyung. You’re jumping to conclusions pretty fast.”

Sunggyu raised his arms like a captured convict. “Just saying.”

          He bit the insides of his cheeks and took a deep breath. L made sure that he was the only person the room. Wait, what’s all this anxiety?

L braced himself as he pressed on her blog entry about him. He knew it was going to sting a little.

‘January 12, 2012

Thursday

Tonight, I unfollowed all of the Infinite members’ personal fancafe accounts and unregistered from their fancafe as well. It was difficult since they defined my high school years, especially a certain Kim Myungsoo, the person that got me in the band. I’m just going to keep this short: Kim Myungsoo’s chicken-like announcement that he had a girlfriend behind our backs was the last straw. I don’t think I could trust any of them anymore.

Signing off as an Inspirit.’

L scrolled on the comments and read that a lot of her online friends, which he presumed to be her old ones, posted reactions to her post with a mix of infuriation and sadness.

‘Inspiritize said: [+10, -3] We’re surely going to miss you, unnie.

Parkjinhihi replied to Inpsiritize: Don’t worry, I’d still post, although it’s not about them. I’ll miss fangirling with you guys too.  

Spideyspirit said: [+45, -2] What the hell? Just because of that? Some fan you are.

Parkjinhihi replied: Let me tell you one thing: I hate lying. Didn’t Myungsoo say in various shows that she likes natural girls? Ironically enough, he dated the opposite of it. Look, if you’re gonna spit back on me with a remark like, ‘it’s just an ideal type,’ well, you’re right on that, but my information told me that she’s not really a nice person.

Spideyspirit replied to Parkjinhihi: Yeah? And where did you get that “information?”

Parkjinhihi replied to Spideyspirit: I’ll have to disclose that person’s identity, so pardon me. I just want the best for Myungsoo. Pardon me again for sounding irrational, but I kind of forgave her, since I’ve noticed that Myungsoo seemed livelier for the past few months. Have you noticed? He looked really happy until the incident.’

Jinhee didn’t post anything for the next three months, which left L hanging. He recalled his relationship with his recent ex-girlfriend and sighed bitterly at the thoughts of them. She wasn’t even in love with him, as he remembered what his female cousin told him, ‘she’s into your career,’  was the painful truth that L had to have confirmed by her.

‘April 30, 2012

Monday

This place seems dead, isn’t it?

My parents dropped me off at Hongdae since they were off somewhere. I complained, yes, but I didn’t regret it anymore after seeing a couple of buskers. They were completely great, and all of them were nice! I had a great time with one band at a hole-in-the-wall café which their parents owned. The youngest of them was going to the college that I was accepted at, so we promised that we’re going together in the freshmen orientation. Along with discounted coffee and cakes (I love cheap stuff, by the way), they gave me song recommendations by playing the songs in the whole place. It wasn’t jam-packed since it’s new, but I’m going to post photos to show you guys that with great company, this quaint, little café will be your favorite hangout place.’

 She posted pictures that evoked L’s sense in photography, as if they share the same style in taking photos. He suddenly felt envious at her since he lacked freedom to visit such place without girls (boys in her case, because he can’t deny that she looks dazzling when she smiles) trailing behind his back. L blankly stared at the last photo where Jinhee opened wide with eyes closed. She was with a guy who smiled with a perfect set of teeth. She captioned it, ‘With Hojoon! Probably my first guy friend in college. Quite mean to his hyungs, but funny at the same time.’  

L read all of her posts and came to realize that Jinhee was successful in erasing her memories about his group. Thoughts that she posted sounded more mature than all that he had ever made in his whole life– and she was a year younger than him. What made L think was, why did she go to the concert if her declaration of not being their fan anymore already happened? He checked the schedule for today and saw that they had an interview in two hours. Quickly taking a shower and putting on his clothes, L made his way to his company’s building, checking every room if his sunbaes were in one of them. He felt relieved at the sight of them in the recording room.

“I’m sorry, sunbae-nims,” L bowed in courtesy. “But do you have spare tickets for your concert in two weeks?” The men laughed at the reason of his sudden barge in the room.

“They’re selling out fast, so if you want to get one for Sunggyu, there’s–“

“Downstairs at the ticketing booth?”

“Yes, and thank you for supporting us. By the way, we did a remix of ‘Before the Dawn.’ Want to hear it?”

L was shaking when he got his wallet and checked his money. Thank God he brought his credit card. “I’d love to, but after buying a ticket,” he bowed curtly and flashed a hurried smile. “I promise I’ll go back!”

Nell’s drummer whispered at the bassist. “Wish I could have his enthusiasm again.”

*         *         *

“Jinhee, you all set?” Hojoon asked as he placed an arm around her shoulders. Jinhee nodded happily, not knowing that it was the night that he was going to formally ask her out as his girlfriend. His parents were overjoyed, knowing that the girl their son regularly brings at their café was going to be his girlfriend. Hojoon saw her making identical patterns with her breath that was evident because of the cold, so he draped his favorite jacket on her, just like he always did when Jinhee seemed cold.

L hid backstage and looked at each of the entering person’s face. It made him dizzy, as he just directly came from a mini-concert, but his anxiety went away at the sight of her. He found her beautiful with her hair loosely falling down behind her back with two cream-colored flower clips in the shape of a Lily on each side of her hair. He found himself smiling as he saw Hojoon stealing one of her clips, which earned him a light slap on one arm. He moved her messed hair strands on her face and secured them on the side with the stolen clip. L fiddled and tapped on the backstage pass hung on his neck, his smile disappearing. He looked at the object and suddenly thought of an idea. L tried to look for a staff member and wanted to have the pass given to her, but all looked so busy. His foot stepped out, wanting to give it to himself, but another glance at the two made him take it back.

“I have a surprise for you later!” Hojoon said with a singsong voice.

“It’s the new song you’ve been making, right? I saw you writing it and Dongjoon oppa said–“

Wrong! He smiled to himself. “You’re a really smart girl, aren’t you?” Hojoon lied and raised his arms in defeat.

“Reveal it to me after the concert!” Jinhee exclaimed while continuously boxing his arms. A woman wearing a clip microphone approached the two and handed Jinhee out the backstage pass, then left immediately. She hugged Hojoon tightly, overjoyed even before the concert started.

“When’s it going to start anyway?” L said with a grimace.

          Two hours past, and Hojoon and Jinhee left the scene still singing with one of their respective arms clinging on their shoulders. L left the backstage and enjoyed the concert, feeling quite jealous since the two looked like they came from an EDM concert rather than a band that makes music depicting pain and loss. It seemed that she forgot the backstage pass since there wasn’t an expression of a different kind of elevation that L was anticipating to be plastered on her face.

“Wait here,” Hojoon commanded and got composition sheet from the backseat of his father’s car. He presented it to Jinhee with a cheeky grin, his eyes not meeting hers. She looked closely at the sheet, then at the embarrassed Hojoon, and embraced him while he did back.

“You tall cheesy guy.” Jinhee whispered in the cold, although she didn’t feel it because of the warmth his body radiated and the jacket he gave her.

“I’ll wait even after you graduate.”

 “I don’t want to be a burden to you, Joon.”

“Now who’s cheesy?” Hojoon looked at her and laughed. He rested his chin on her head, still not breaking the hug. “You aren’t. Mom and Dad thought they were on each other back in the day, but look at them now.”

“Thank you, Hojoon.” Jinhee kissed him on the cheek and saw his face turn red immediately. They were about to enter the car when he pulled the pass’ lace from her jean pocket.

“This is your chance to meet Nell and you completely forgot about it?” Hojoon said with urgency and wore on her the pass. He placed a feathery peck on her temple and lightly pushed her to the direction of the venue’s entrance.  “Enjoy!” He shouted and smiled as he sighed in relief when Jinhee’s dashing figure was gone.

Jinhee bowed at the sight of Infinite’s visual. “Good evening, Myungsoo-sshi. Have you seen Nell? Please tell me they’re still here.”

“Yep. They’re just having a meal. Want to sit down first?”

That wouldn’t hurt right? “Okay,” Jinhee sighted a soda machine beside the sofa. “Want Coke? I’m buying.”

He shook his head. “Can’t drink anything with caffeine right now.” L waited for her to sit down, open the can, and drink it, which she all did with grace. He hid a smile when she wasn’t looking. How did she manage to look at her without feeling a thing? In his case, he did, and it felt wrong since he saw the whole thing outside.

“Your theory was actually correct, Jinhee-sshi,” He changed the subject.

“I made a bet with my best friend who came with me tonight on it.” She proudly stated. L nodded, not wanting to hear Jinhee mention him.  

It’s just the two of us, Jinhee.

“I love your second photobook! It actually inspired me to do a scrapbook last summer. Well, actually my photography teacher also did since he said so and I didn’t want to anger him.”

L quietly laughed at her enthusiasm over his works. “A third one’s currently in the works.”

She nodded, pleased. “Really? With your guys’ hectic schedule and all…”

L anticipated for her next words. You’re a pro, Myungsoo-sshi! or Whoa, you’re so cool!

“Are you okay?”

he breathed in sharply, then nodded slowly. “Not perfectly fine, but you know, I could still eat and all. Sometimes I have nightmares.”

“You get only a couple of hours of sleep during comeback season, right?” Jinhee asked and he nodded. “I suggest you listen to classical music. It soothes my mind, especially when I have to pull an all-nighter during exam week.”

“Ah, thanks Jinhee-sshi.”

She continued drinking her Coke and L figured out that the band was almost or probably done with their meal. He flinched at the idea of what he was about to say.

Here goes nothing Myungsoo. “I’m sorry.”

“Hm, for what?”

“For lying, being a chicken, probably ruining a part of your life.” He muttered.

“It doesn’t matter now because it’s all in the past,” Jinhee patted his sunken head. “Wow, you really have soft hair.”

He felt relieved that she finally forgave him. “Can I show you a favor?”

“Um, isn’t it ‘can I ask you a favor?’” She asked, but L encircled his arms, requesting for a hug. She giggled and felt her high school endorphins waking up from a deep sleep. What the heck, I stanned this guy for two years.

“Thanks for everything Myungsoo-sshi.”

L patted her back. “Anytime.” Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Myungsoo. He knew exactly well that this was the last time.

Before parting, he gave her two snapshots with only the second one with a caption. The first one was an unseen person playing a shooter game in the arcade and his gun pointed at no, depicting his loss on the game.

The loss felt painfully good. The second photo’s caption said in a neater handwriting that she fully knew was his. It showed that the game had no coin credit anymore.