April 28

As I striked of the previous date on my calendar, I was surprised it is already the 28th of the month. Usually, the April snow should almost be over by now, but today, the snow was falling heavily, almost like the breaking of a blizzard. I looked through the window of my house and saw few kids catching the last miracle snow fall before it is gone. Despite the tranquility of the beautiful white scenery, my heart felt particularly heavy and uncertain. I remembered the words from Dr. Jin so clearly carved in my brain "The cancerous cells have spread to his liver. I would hope that all of you could brace yourself, as he could go anytime from now" Such harsh words were spoken just a week ago, after my night with him. His soft touches, gentle intimacy still cuddles my heart as though it was yesterday. His condition turned for the worst the day after the intimacy, everything just happen so fast I thought I was on a roller coaster ride. I hate myself for falling ill right at about when he needed me the most...I didn't manage to visit him the past few days, but what I heard from my brother was enough to send me to hell.

Those exact recounts from Daiki was difficult to even imagine seeing him myself..."He is trying so hard to appease everyone, Mirai. His mother brings him tonics, food and all sorts of chinese medicine, and even though he looked like he is having a hard time ingesting, he still forces it down his throat, smiling though it is clear he is in pain. He vomits out whatever he ingests, including his meals, giving the nurses no choice but to eventually put him on drips. I saw him resisting, he wanted to eat it himself, he didn't want to be put on drips. I went to ask him why, since putting him on drips would alleviate the agony of swallowing his food, and his reply is just heartbreaking 'If I have to depend on machines, it only means my end is nearing...if I can't give hope to everyone who prays for a miracle, then I should at least not kill their hopes, even if it is only an illusion. I have to try, Dai-chan'...I began to hope for no news, cause every news Daiki brought back from the hospice was bad, if not worst. The day before yesterday, he told me Ryosuke suffered from a sudden seizure, so bad that they have to inject a huge dose of tranquilizer to keep him down. My brother had to help the female nurses cause it was getting tiring to keep him down. He said Ryosuke was gripping his arms so tight and murmuring 'save me Dai-chan'. Daiki didn't want to tell me this so that it doesn't scare me, but his eyes were so swollen when he came home that day that after long probing, he finally said it. He ended up repeatedly telling me, 'Ryosuke is so pitiful...I really dread to go back to the hospice day after day to see his condition detoriate. I can't do it anymore, Mirai' I couldn't sleep that night, rather every night, i kept pondering over whether how I would react when I see Ryosuke after I am well enough to visit him. All that Daiki has told me, no longer sound like Ryosuke. The mere thought of him bed-ridden, skinny to his bones, heavy eyebags, tubes inserted everywhere on his already bruised lips, these cannot be Ryosuke, IMPOSSIBLE. Ryosuke should be the perfect, flawless, charming boy that mesmerises anyone who passes him. When I thought my imagination was bad enough, Daiki brought back more bad news yesterday...I couldn't hold my cup without trembling after I hear from Daiki, the cup eventually fell to the ground and smashed to pieces.

"Mirai, I don't think he can hold much longer... His family didn't want to give up, but I can tell he can't take it anymore. He...(my brother started tearing, stammering, as if something really beyond my imagination happened to Ryosuke)....he couldn't....control his bowels today....Everything was just in a mess. The nurses have to clean up the bedsheets, everything was chaotic... His mind was clear so it was even more torturous for him to know he caused the mess. For a guy, this is just too embarrassing for him to endure, so naturally he threw tantrums and smashed everything in his line of sight, and eventually threw his family out as well, even his sisters. Surprisingly, he let Chinen in. According to Chinen, he could only see his expressionless face, dazing into space as if in a deep trance. Chinen knew he didn't want to speak, so he just sat by his side until he fell asleep..."

I couldn't stop crying that night...I wanted so badly to rush to him, but I couldn't. My brother warned that he would not want me to see him this way. I don't understand, I really don't. I know he needs me, he wants me by his side, he said it before, but why does he always try so hard to resist me. I told myself that this would be the last night away from him, the moment sunrises tomorrow, I will accompany him whether or not he likes it. I didn't want to shut my eyes that night, I was afraid of the nightmares. With my eyes wide open, my tears just rolled down profusely. Then, a phone call at 3 am startled me. 

I didn't prepare myself before I subconsciously picked up the call, so I tried to clear my throat and stop my tears "*sniff moshi moshi"

"..." I only heard irregular breathing from the other side, and some sniffing which sound identical to mine. Whoever is on the other line is also muffling his cries.

I looked at the caller ID and it was.... "Ryosuke? RYOSUKE is that you?!!! speak to me, Ryosuke"

"M-Mirai...(there was a long pause...) how are you and Yuto?"

"you called me to ask me that?"

"I... I told you to forget me...."

"No NO NO NO~ I NEVER PROMISED YOU YAMADA RYOSUKE!"

"...."

"Ryosuke? I didn't mean to shout.... don't hang up on me...."

"Mirai... I lied...."

"huh?"

"I thought I accepted death...but I realised I have not....I am scared of death....I don't wanna sleep, because everytime I shut my eyes, I don't know if I can wake up the next day... I am afraid I leave in my sleep."

I cupped my mouth to stop myself from breaking down. My eyes were bleeding with buckets of tears, my hands squeezed upon my blanket to channel the excuciating pain from the cringe in my heart. "t-then don't sleep, Ryosuke... we can talk the whole night....I can't sleep anyway"

"Mirai....arigatou *sniff"

"Ryosuke, you know you have another admirer"

"huh?"

"this person obviously has a huge crush on you."

"who?"

"guess...it's someone you know"

"Umika? no it can't be, she is with Chinen...Suzuka?"

"well, she does like you, but not so infatuated as that person..."

"*cough* who is it?"

"Chinen Yuri" I heard Ryosuke chuckle in the midst of his coughs. It's heartening to hear that I managed to cheer him up, albeit a little.

"He plays at your house, and is especially close with your sisters. Even your parents, especially your mother, likes him"

"Mirai... I like him too"

"nandayo..../chuckles/"

"I can't help it, he's irresistibly cute, ne. He clings to me like a slug, though we barely know each other."

"yeah...he is very outgoing..."

"I would hope I could befriend him longer, then we could be almost like siblings..."

Why must he mentioned that again, my tears jerked out once more, and I almost had to hold my phone away for a second to clear my tears...

"you know what.... he's so funny today.... he brought a photobook filled with photos with his soccer mates. Although I wasn't in the mood to listen, but he was so enthusiastic in telling me every hilarious story that happened, then I ended up becoming excited myself"

today? meaning after that embarrassment? so Chinen managed to cheer him up? but does he know Daiki told me all about what happened. What if he is upset that I knew about it. Daiki said he wouldn't want me to know. There was loads of self-conflict going through my mind.

"Mirai..."

"ah, yes... I never heard his soccer stories though. This means he really treasures you. You see, I told ya, he likes you"

"Mirai... I know you found out what happened..."

"gomenasai Ryosuke... I..."

"/fake giggles/ I never expected something like this would happen. It just did. It's....really scary...(a long silence stretched, and I heard sniffing sounds again)............."

"/fake giggles/ it's okay, Ryosuke....I did it when I was in grade 1 too. I never told anyone, except you now. Haha..."

"Really?! grade 1 isn't too young. Isn't it embarrassing?"

"Of course it is... Imagine the number of guys there are staring at me! That's why I am so unpopular among the guys"

"well, they're really missing out."

"huh?"

"You are a real treasure ne. It's a pity they couldn't look past this episode, or they would have realised how awesome you are."

"nandayo, Ryosuke"

"it's true..."

"then Ryosuke, I will say it to you too. Whatever happened today isn't worth brooding over, cause you're a treasure to everyone too. Those who judge you or snigger at you would have missed out such a valuable gold."

"....arigatou Mirai... I thought I couldn't face you after such a thing, but somehow I just couldn't help but yearn to hear your voice... I just, didn't feel that embarrassed when I talk to you... Even at that very moment, I thought if it was you beside me, I wouldn't mind."

I cried out finally, no amount of holding on my mouth or nose could muffle those overflowing cries. "Gomenasai! Gomenasai I wasn't there... "

He was crying out loud too. For a few minutes, the conversation was just like a tissue party, all that transpired across the call was cries and more cries. Then, a third voice travelled through the call and I heard bits of struggling.

"Ryosuke!!" no matter how much I shout his name, there was no reply. I could only hear him screaming. Though his screaming was muffled with his cries, but I could somewhat make out what was happening "No NOOOOO! I don't want that!!! I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP"....

"you have to sleep Ryosuke. You need the energy to fight tomorrow" the third voice echoed through the phone.

 "No, I don't want to fight!!!....n-noooo" his voice gradually soften, until I could only hear his much toned down sobbings. Then the third voice spoke to me directly through the phone...

"is that you Mirai-san?"

"Nanase-san?"

"yes, it's me. We just gave him some general anaesthetic cause he needs some rest. You'll understand right?"

"yes."

"but, thank you Mirai.. He seemed better after talking to you. Actually, you can still stay on the phone a while, probably talk to him a little more. He'll go on and off until the drug fully kick in, but he'll listen for now"

"thanks Nanase-san"

"...." there was his breathing sound again, and somehow his breathing was enough to calm my tense nerves.

"Ryosuke, I know you're tired...You don't have to speak, you just have to listen to me, okay? I'll talk to you until you fall asleep. It's also a sweet thing for a girlfriend to talk her boyfriend to sleep, ne. You know, I noticed you for a long time, has a crush on you so much longer than you thought. It's silly ne, that I believe in true love, happily ever after, fantasies and sorts, but the first day I saw you in school, I could almost see that glow around you. I have an inferior complex so I never dared to confess to you like the other girls did. Then when I found out you are already attached with Haruna-san, you cannot imagine how sad I was. I even cried over you whom I haven't even spoke to before. It's really so stupid now I think of it. But you know, I was literally over the moon when I saw you at the hospice again! The first time I get to speak to you, I was so nervous I thought my heart will drop. I don't know what's wrong with me, but my guts just came and I was so glad I threw myself over you! I never regretted falling for you, never regretting going in a relationship with you. Even though you let go off my hand already, even though I couldn't see our future anymore, I still love you and I don't think it will ever change. I may be in many other relationships after this, whether or not it's with Yuto, but I will not forget you...I don't think I can ever forget you. Like people said, first love is the most unforgettable... I totally agree. Ryosuke, there's something I need to tell you....I know I sound evil if I have misread your heart, but please forgive me if I hurt you if I have guessed it wrongly. Others may not have realised it, but I think...you don't wanna fight on anymore...you're tired ne? As much as I want you not to give up on yourself, I couldn't bear seeing or hearing you trying so hard to keep yourself alive to appease others. I thought our selfish desires for you to press on, is actually hurting you more than ever... So if it comes the time when I find you at a crossroad between life and death, I kept pondering if you would have chosen death, though everyone would choose for you the other...Am I right, Ryosuke?"

I never expected an answer, or rather I am afraid to hear whatever the answer is. I was hoping none came...

"sou desu" it was muffled, but it was clear. There's no denying that my guesses were spot on. He chose death.

"Ryosuke, are you still there?" I cried.

"........y-yes......" it was almost as if he was breaking out soon.

"listen to me a bit more....please...." I just don't wanna put down the phone. I just can't.

".....mmm....."

"I don't know how I am going to live without you, but for you, I'll try. If this makes you feel better... I know I burdened you a lot with all my cries and emotions, but I promise I'll be strong for you, if it's not too late....so don't worry about me for now,