HYUKJAE POV

 

 

“Hyukkie, are you ready?”

 

I quickly pulled my backpack and threw it to one of my shoulder, nodding at him. “Let’s go,”

 

Yeah, I finally go to school today.

 

He’s pampering me a lot, and asking me if I’m sure I’m already fine enough to go countless time since I woke up.

 

Of course I’ll go, well, he’s going so I’ll be going too, right?

 

I’m feeling healthy now, though.

 

 

Anyway, umma and appa tells me that they will be home this afternoon, which I have to go home soon. I haven’t seen Shindong hyung either, hmm… I bet he’s busy too with anything here, or helping umma and appa’s business.

 

 

“Hi, Khun ah,” I greeted soon as I entered Hae’s car.

 

Hae told Nichkhun to fetch us to the school which is he already complied by waiting for us in front of my house.

 

“Morning, are you feeling better?”

 

I raised my brows. I thought Hae doesn’t tell it to him.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine, thanks,”

 

 

“Baby, you forget something,” He said and pulled something from his pocket.

 

Strawberry milk!!

 

Awh.

 

I thought he won’t remember such thing, since I forgot about it and I thought I could buy it at cafeteria.

 

“T-thanks, Hae,”

 

I feel my heart ache so much.

 

He’s being super sweet.

 

Why can’t I understand it?

 

 

That Yoona’s shadow is haunting in my head, yet I’m really, really afraid to ask about it.

 

Should I ask?

 

Or maybe I could ask Yoona instead, since Kibum said that she’s at Fukuura.

 

I’m really confused, yet jealousy took over me again.

 

 

Aish.

 

I already told you it won’t work, if you keep it this way.

 

 

 

----

 

 

 

“Hi, Eunhyuk!” some of my schoolmates greeted me, replied by my nod right when I entered the Fukuura’s area. My mind are wandering wildly to nowhere, and, guess it right, it’s about Hae.

 

It’s always about Hae.

 

 

I really need to see Minho, checking exactly what he means by the photo. The freaking photo that make me freak out everytime I see Hae.

 

Seriously, no matter how sweet he is, I couldn’t erase the thought and plus, I witnessed a scene that make my heart breaks.

 

He cupped her cheeks—gosh, I didn’t know I still remember that.

 

 

Don’t want to remember it.

 

Don’t want to remember it.

 

Don’t want to—

 

“Hyung!”

 

I felt my heart stopped. “Ah, Minho,”

 

 

Ugh…

 

Should I ask?

 

But I’m afraid there’s something wrong going on.

 

But...

 

But...

 

“What’s wrong, Hyung?”

 

I bit my lower lip in confusion. “Where did you know that photo from?”

 

Aish, I unconsciously said it out loud, and I could never take those words back, couldn’t I? I’m curious too, though.

 

Minho raised his brows. “Do you mean… Donghae hyung and Yoona’s photo?”

 

 

Don’t say that two names so close, please.

 

My heart already breaks into pieces by only that, make me unable to think straight because of the comebacks jealousy.

 

“Yeah, tell me who’s the one who tell you?”

 

Minho sighs, from his stare I know he’s feeling guilty. But I care less—he already told me so, he has to tell me full thing about it. I really want to know.

 

I really want to know.

 

I don’t care anymore.

 

 

“I, uh… I don’t really know…”

 

I crossed my brows. How come he doesn’t really know about it?

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“There are so many girls has crush on Donghae hyung, and that made me unable to remember who exactly it is. And yet, they keep talking about the photo. Someone said that she went to the beach that day, and found a couple that really similar to them,” Minho shrugged. “And it turns out they really are,”

 

“How do you know? How did she know?” I asked, almost yelled but thank God I managed to hold my emotions.

 

“Hyung… I’m sorry to tell you about this,”

 

I sigh impatiently. “It’s okay, but is she really sure? Can I see the photo myself?”

 

“I don’t have it with me, hyung…. I don’t even know how’s Yoona’s reaction about this. But I will try to find it, okay? Is it really okay with you, hyung?”

 

No, of course not okay.

 

Just by knowing that rumor, I know that I’m not okay at all.

 

“Yeah, just… Show it to me if you already have to photo,” I said, and even if I’m already force myself to smile at least a bit, I’m already too numb to even move up my lips.

 

 

Just because of a photo.

 

Maybe if the photo doesn’t exist, I will go towards Hae with no hesitate, because I didn’t think about Hae cheating at all, before.

 

But unfortunately I know it first.

 

And even if he’s still become the most perfect boyfriend ever, that thought keeps on lingering in my head.

 

It’s so annoying.

 

It’s really annoying.

 

 

It’s so annoying I could die with it.

 

Hell.

 

 

I walked uneasily towards my class, thinking if I could forget those rumors if I distract myself with studying, or maybe drawing something random, or playing handphone games, or anything. Just…

 

I really need to forget—

 

 

.

 

Isn’t that….

 

The ing girl?

 

What the…

 

 

That’s real.

 

It’s the same girl I saw at the beach, the girl that has been the topics all the time, the girl that made me jealous at hell, and there she sat there, with her friends. She’s showing her happy expression that maybe looks like she’s faking it.

 

How in the earth she just goes off like there’s nothing wrong with that rumor, as if Hae has no one to be called boyfriend or even freaking girlfriend?

 

—

I don’t care.

 

I don’t want to see her—even talk to her at the moment.

 

Maybe Hae will tell me about her soon, so I’ll just have to wait.

 

 

I don’t want to be the one who suspect him on cheating.

 

He won’t be, anyway.

 

 

I decided not to care too much and continue stepping towards my class, sitting an empty seat that I used to sit there sometimes and sighed.

 

I really don’t want to think about this at the moment. But hell—Hae’s presence in my heart is really strong, I even suffering from it if we’re talking about the cheating part.

 

That Minho’s friend said that she’s at the beach back then…

 

How the would she knows?!

 

Did she talk to them?

 

Why she just took a goddamn picture and just suspecting like that?

 

She has crush on Hae, right?

 

Why doesn’t she just pretend like there’s nothing happened instead of telling everyone about Hae and that girl’s existence at the beach??

 

 

Or maybe she hates me?

 

Maybe this is all just an act.

 

But Hae…?

 

 

, this is getting me insane like hell.

 

 

Instead of pulling some books to read or something, I just pulled out my phone, planning to just forget everything by playing games, but I don’t know why, I just led myself to open the ‘message’ menu.

 

And unconsciously, unstoppably, I wrote a message.

 

 

To: Hae

Mssg: I miss u… already

 

 

Selfish, I know.

 

Jealous, hell I am.

 

Stressed out, maybe.

 

Possessive,

 

I don’t care.

 

 

I really can’t help not to sent him that kind of message. Thinking about the cheating stuffs made me want to ensure myself that Hae really loves me.

 

I’m getting so sensitive these days.

 

 

Just because of a freaking photo that haven’t seen by my own eyes.

 

And—yeah, because of that scene too.

 

 

, I don’t feel like I’m healthy now.

 

I need Hae’s warmth.

 

 

Suddenly, my phone vibrates. I felt my heartbeat even stopped, expecting any replies from my boyfriend whom I love the most.

 

Fr: Hae

Mssg: Really? I’m glad ^^

 

 

 

What the….?

 

 

Hell, stop it, Hyukjae.

 

You’re getting so sensitive just like a chick.

 

I quickly type reply, feeling really uneasy out of a sudden.

 

 

To: Hae

Mssg: What? Why are u glad?

 

 

I unconsciously pouted. I really want Hae to tell me that he missed me more, just like he always does. But hell why he just reply me that kind of message?

 

It makes me broken.

 

 

It hasn’t been a minute already—or maybe it hasn’t been half a minute, but I felt the vibrates of my phone.

 

 

Fr: Hae

Mssg: I’m glad I’m not the one who feel it ^^I miss you much much more <3 data-blogger-escaped-span="span">

 

 

…

 

Awh.

 

 

Just to hell with that rumor.

 

I think I’m going crazy here.

 

 

He can’t be cheating on me, he can’t.

 

He just can’t.

 

He’s permanently mine.

 

He’s too sweet to even think about another person.

 

 

 

Right?

 

 

 

 

--- 

 

 

I yawned.

 

I’m not sleepy, but sudden laziness wrapped me and held me from thinking that I should attend the next class.

 

Haish, I’m being such a bad boy.

 

I’m the president of Fox, I shouldn’t be the one who’s bad, right? I have to be good so that everyone will look at me in a good way, and will respect me, the way Rakooga’s students respect Hae.

 

 

Hae is really a gentleman and a really good students, I mean, I know he’s not even a nerd and not a student who’s always strict to the rules, but he can communicate really well with students and the teachers, the same as his principal which made everyone instantly likes him—even me, at the first sight.

 

I’m just lucky enough I’m the one who he loves.

 

 

And I’m not so stupid to just let him go, right?

 

 

Well, talking about him—I’ve been randomly wait for him to eat lunch with me, without informing him that I’m actually waiting.

 

He might’ve been just busy, and I’m here just feeling uneasy if I’m being so childish and text him instead.

 

So… I think I’ll just wait and if he doesn’t come, I can eat lunch myself. It’s not a big deal.

 

 

I slammed myself to lie down on the couch lazily.

 

Since the message he texted me, I’m feeling so much better—physically, and mentally—and not really minding the girl he’s been rumoring with. Anyway, it’s not like everyone knows about it, right?

 

I mean, I never heard anyone talked about the rumor nears me, so I assume that it’s not really a big problem.

 

 

I’m just taking it too much, being a possessive boyfriend I am.

 

 

Sighing deeply, I glance at the clock and it turns out to be 40 minutes before the bell rang. I think I’ll be—

 

WHAT!

 

WHERE’S MY MILK??

 

I messed my hair, sat up and glancing to the small table in front of me, revealing nothing but only a cheeseburger I just bought.

 

How could I forget the milk??

 

 

Well—this morning Hae gave it to me, but I thought since it’s still on my class and my class is definitely further than the cafeteria, I decided to just buy it instead.

 

Really, such a burden of myself. How forgetful.

 

 

I quickly stormed out from the library, pouting since I’m getting pissed off by myself, I’m just about to ready to eat but then I forgot about the milk.

 

Seriously, since when I’m being that addicted to strawberry milk, anyway?

 

It’s just, me and strawberry milk, you can assume we are one now—besides how I love Hae, the love towards me and strawberry milk is totally different, you know.

 

And… I think I’m just screwed enough to forget about the milk—which I realize that Hae may just more important than strawberry milk.

 

Hell, of course. Stupid.

 

 

Hae is just like, my whole world, my whole life, yet strawberry milk? Far from that, maybe if the world was invaded by zombies I could try to live without it. But without Hae? No, hell no. I better die.

 

Aish, what am I thinking?

 

 

But seriously…

 

I need him, he’s just as important as a heartbeat.

 

 

Just after I’m about to arrive at the cafeteria—actually it’s still a bit far from it—something shocked me and make me gasped so loud, too loud I could even shock myself twice.

 

O-omo.

 

 

“HAE!”

 

 

There he is—my lovely boyfriend, the one whom I really care the most, appears in front of my eyes, just get back from cafeteria since it’s obviously one-way to it.

 

“H-hyukkie?”

 

He looks shock, as shock as I am, but he quickly regains his consciousness and stepped closer to me while curving a little smile.

 

 

“What are you doing here… Hae?” I asked, feeling so dumbfounded after my short thinking that Hae won’t be in cafeteria if he just arrived here at Fukuura. The back door to the library is close enough than to cafeteria.

 

 

I wonder…?

 

 

“I’m about to come to eat lunch with you,” he said, smiling.

 

Eat lunch with me…?

 

And not that adorable smile, please.

 

 

Before I could reply him anything that across my mind, he lets out his hand with something inside his grip.

 

OMO!

 

“S-strawberry milk!!”

 

I heard delicious chuckle coming out from Hae’s lips, while he stepped even closer to me, gicing me a carton of milk that make me pissed off earlier.

 

 

“I know you’ll want it,” he said, my back slowly as he keep walking towards the library, making me walked along with him. “But I thought I gave you a carton before,”

 

I pouted. “Yeah, I left it at class,” I said, but then squealed happily. “Thank you, Hae! You’re the best!”

 

He really is the best.

 

He knows that I need my milk and yet he came with milk in his hand.

 

 

“Don’t be really cute, Hyukkie. Let’s just walk faster since I’ve been dying to kiss that pouty lips,”

 

I blushed, as I felt my heart fluttered.

 

He might be just came and go to the cafeteria first to buy me the milk… Right?

 

So he’s just thinking about me the whole time.

 

I’m getting more certain that he loves me only.

 

 

And by this, I don’t think I have to ask him about the rumor.

 

It’s just me and that stupid gossip.

 

 

 

I feel like a fool.

 

 

 

---===---

 

 

 

“Hyuk! Hyuk ah!”

 

I heard someone called me just after the last bell of school rang, which I’ve been readying myself to go home.

 

“Oh, Xiah? What’s up?”

 

He stared at me worriedly, as if he has done something really wrong to me. Well, I rarely saw that expression so… I kind of suspicious. “Hey, what is it?”

 

“Uh, it’s just…” He hummed and before he continue, he dragged me to the closest chairs and sit there, made me sit beside him too so we don’t have to block anyone’s way.

 

 

Now he made me curious.

 

He avoids my stare, but I know from his expression, he has to tell me whatever in his mind. And by just thinking about that, makes me remembered about Minho before he told me about that rumor.

 

Ah, I’m thinking about that again—never mind, I’m just too obsessed.

 

 

Xiah inhaled deeply, before stared again to my eyes.

 

 

“Do you, by any chance, break up with… Donghae?”

 

 

My breath stopped, so does my heart beat that feels like skipping a beat.

 

W-what?

 

 

Break up with Hae?

 

 

I tried so hard not to shock with the question, but hell, what makes him think I’m breaking up with Hae? I mean, we both do lovey dovey things until now, for God’s sake.

 

 

“Who… Who told you that?”

 

, I’m stuttering.

 

 

I hate this.

 

 

Again, the insecure feeling fills my heart wildly, make me can’t think straight and just think about any nightmare that I’ve ever had.

 

“N-no, Hyuk ah, I’m sorry to ask you that,” He said, looks even more uneasy with my answer.

 

“Then?”

 

“It’s just… What’s he doing with that 2^nd grader girl?”

 

 

2^nd… Grader… Girl?

 

 

Kibum is 2^nd grade… so does Minho… And the—

 

.

 

Yoona, again?

 

“I-is it her?”

 

“Her?”

 

“Y-Yoon.. You know, you know her,” I said, now it’s me who’s avoiding his stare.

 

 

“Ah, I… I’m not sure, but maybe she is, if I didn’t know it’s Donghae, I would’ve thought that guy is her boyfriend,”

 

 

That sentence breaks my heart again.

 

If I could fell down, I’ll just fell now. But fortunately I’m sitting, so even if my knees become so weak, I won’t fall.

 

My mind wanders wildly.

 

 

So…

 

“W-where exactly it is and when?”

 

Xiah stood up. “At lunch hour, in cafeteria. Wasn’t he ate lunch with you? Or did he eat it afterwards?”

 

I gulped hardly. “He… He did, don’t worry,”

 

 

“Uh, I’m really sorry, Hyuk, but I think we could continue the conversation later. I have to meet the principal about my scholarship,” He said and take a look at his watch, before looking at me again.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hyuk ah. Everything is going to be fine, okay? I’m going!” He said, and leaving me sitting there, with mind so empty, unable to think about anything.

 

 

At lunch hour, in cafeteria.

 

 

B-bastard.

 

 

He…. I thought you’re just busy and went to cafeteria to buy me strawberry milk… Hae?

 

How come…

 

How come?

 

 

Xiah told me that, it means that he’s sure.

 

He won’t lie, except maybe back then when he tricked me to just help my relationship with Hae.

 

But now…?

 

I’m happy enough, and it’s ruined so freaking badly.

 

 

I felt my phone vibrate, indicating a message, but I’m too numb to even moved my finger so that I could pulled the phone from my pocket.

 

My heart…

 

It hurts a lot.

 

 

You pabo, Donghae.

 

 

If I will think about this kind of stuffs,

 

Why don’t you tell me what exactly is going on?

 

 

You just keep acting like there’s nothing, nothing at all. Yet everyone who’s close to me are the only one who tell me about it!

 

 

I know…

 

I know I’m supposed to believe in you.

 

 

But, this is just too much.

 

 

After the overloading happiness,

 

I know I shouldn’t just hope too much to be happy always.

 

 

After I don’t know how long I’ve been silently sitting there, I felt another long vibrate, indicating that someone called me. And one name I could just think of is my boyfriend.

 

I can’t answer the call.

 

It still hurt.

 

 

Why, why, why, why, why?

 

Just tell me why, I won’t even dare to mad at you.

 

 

But this?

 

In this condition?

 

 

I gritted my teeth, clenched my own fist.

 

What are you doing with Yoona back there?

 

In front of my friend?

 

 

In front of my friends?

 

How long?

 

Did she refuse your strawberry milk and you gave it to me instead?

 

So who am I?

 

 

Did you lose your interest to me?

 

Are you regret being gay for me?

 

Am I nothing but the second for you now?

 

 

If you didn’t tell me, then I will never know.

 

It’s useless to just hear other people’s story since it’s not exactly from your mouth.

 

 

Do you just dare to lie to me?

 

 

 

 

Another vibrates.

 

 

My trembling hand slowly trailed my pocket, searching for my phone because the vibration is getting annoying. And soon as I got it, I quickly pressed reject.

 

 

My hand moved on its own.

 

I never wanted to do that.

 

He’s my boyfriend. My lovely boyfriend.

 

 

He’s searching for me.

 

 

 

Suddenly, I spotted someone ran towards me.

 

“Hyung ah,”

 

Taemin?

 

“Yeah—ah, is club activity going today?”

 

He nodded. “Are you coming? Or are you still feeling unwell?”

 

I furrowed my brows. How did he know that I’m sick? There’s no club activity yesterday, and we rarely meet if there’s no important occasion about Fox things.

 

“How do—“

 

“Ah,” he chuckled. “I met Donghae hyung earlier at lunch hour, and he told me that you’re sick yesterday. Are you still feeling unwell?”

 

W-what?

 

Hae?

 

 

, this is getting ed up already.

 

How should I react?

 

 

I rubbed my temple, feeling the sudden dizziness. “I’m still feeling unwell. I won’t come to the club today,”

 

He nodded understandingly. “Okay, then. Just go home soon, I think I saw Hae hyung earlier at the gate. Why don’t you go to him?”

 

I just silence.

 

“Hyung, are you still thinking about Yoona?”

 

 

DON’T, say that name in front of me.

 

I’m so screwed up now.

 

“I… I’m just…”

 

“It’s okay, Hae hyung still loves you very much, I can see it,” He said, ensuring me, which I replied by a nod and a slight fake smile.

 

“Thank you, Taemin ah,”

 

“Okay, just tell us if there’s something bothering you, alright? I’m going now,” He said and then ran towards the club room, dance hall.

 

 

Hae… loves me.

 

 

I felt another vibrate from my phone, made me glance to it and feel a slight ache in my chest because of the name on the screen.

 

“Yes…” I said on the phone, decided to answer it.

 

“Hyukkie? Are you home already, baby?”

 

 

 I bit my lower lip.

 

Call me that again.

 

 

“I… I have,”

 

No, don’t say it.

 

You want to go home with him.

 

 

“W-what? How come you didn’t tell me earlier? I have nothing to do,”  He replied childishly, make me just want to hug him but… I don’t know why what came out from my lips is the opposite.

 

 

“Sorry,”

 

That’s the only thing that came out.

 

“Hyukkie, are you okay? Are you feeling sick again? Should I go to your house now?”

 

 

My heart is going to burst.

 

“No, I’m okay,”

 

I’m not.

 

I’m not.

 

You know it, I’m not.

 

Hae.

 

 

“Alright, tell me if you need anything, okay?”

 

 

Only that?

 

You know exactly how I am when I’m not feeling okay.

 

So freaking dense.

 

I hate it.

 

 

“Mmm,” I only hummed, because if I speak, the tears will come out from my eyes because of the unsatisfied feeling.

 

Then, I heard nothing but silence.

 

 

What?

 

What are you thinking about?

 

Are you happy, that you could spend your time with that girl again?

 

Are you thinking what should you do to kill time with her?

 

.

 

it.

 

 

 

“Are you sure you’re okay, baby?”

 

 

W…

 

What…

 

No.

 

 

I feel so guilty, I could die with the feeling instantly because it’s just not like I was expecting.

 

 

I’m sorry.

 

I’m sorry, Hae.

 

I think so negatively about you.

 

I’m sorry, baby.

 

 

“Y-yeah…” I answered, not knowing a droplet of tear already fell down through my cheek, made me feel so weak.

 

“Can I visit you, baby?”

 

“No,” I blurted so sudden, I don’t even want it that way. “I… I mean, I just… uh,”

 

“Your parents are going to have dinner together with you again?”

 

“Yeah….”

 

Hell.

 

STOP LYING, Lee Hyukjae.

 

 

“Okay, I’ll call you tonight,” He said. “I’m hanging up, okay? You didn’t sound so well, rest now, baby,”

 

My heart fell.

 

“O… Okay,”

 

And then we hung up.

 

 

I’m stupid.

 

I’m so stupid.

 

 

At lunch hour, in cafeteria.

 

 

No—I’m not.

 

It’s still your fault.

 

 

You didn’t tell me anything,

 

It’s still your fault.

 

 

 

Hae.

 

 

 

----===---

 

 

“So, you’ll be taking the dance education for your college, right, Eunhyuk ah?” I heard Shindong hyung asked me countless times, writing here and there, I don’t even care about what is he doing.

 

“Yeah,”

 

I just responded.

 

I already told him since I’m in junior high school, why he has to ask again? I’m still certain I’ll take the dance education degree.

 

 

I’m currently sitting on the couch at the living room, staring blankly at the tv screen which is currently showing some stuffs I’m unable to catch.

 

 

My mind is still blank.

 

Maybe because I…

 

 

I just lied to Hae.

 

 

The feeling, I don’t know how to describe it. It’s a terrible, horrible feeling I’ve ever felt, and it won’t disappear even if I’m already do many things afterwards.

 

“Oh, and at least, you know where it is already, right?” Shindong hyung keeps on saying something related to my college even if it’s still about a year later. “Not that far from our house,”

 

Whatever.

 

I need Hae, I need him badly.

 

 

I don’t care if he really is cheating on me, or having a special relationship with that Yoona, I don’t ing care.

 

I just need him just the way he always pamper me.

 

 

After half an hour later, Shindong hyung finished with his writing about information, maybe for me, I don’t know. It’s just everything seems too blurry for me right now, I don’t have any passion to anything.

 

I lazily went back to my room.

 

 

It’s not too late now.

 

Hae might still be awake.

 

Where is he now?

 

Does he eat already?

 

Did he eat well?

 

 

I’m worry, I miss him.

 

I feel so guilty, but I miss him.

 

I still blame him, but I miss him.

 

 

I’m so damn confused, but I still miss—

 

 

Ring~

 

 

I jolted sitting up, feeling so aware about the ring that coming out from my phone, and quickly grabbed it from my night stand.

 

“H-hello?”

 

“Hey, beautiful,”

 

Oh no, my heart.

 

It’s so…

 

 

Aish.

 

It’s still his fault.

 

“What?”

 

I swear to my life I didn’t mean to be that harsh.

 

 

“Oh, did I disturb you?”

 

NO, NO.

 

 

“Not really… why?”

 

Why the are you being this childish, Hyukjae?

 

“Baby… Are you okay? I’m worried,”

 

I don’t need it.

 

I don’t—

 

Hell, I need your concern so much.

 

 

Don’t forget me.

 

 

“I’m okay!” I replied, sound pissed off, but actually I got pissed off with myself. The thing is… He doesn’t even know if I got pissed off with myself, right?

 

 

Is he just got back from date with that girl?

 

Damn it!

 Will you stop for once, thinking about that rumor??

 

Gosh!

 

 

“Okay… I just missed you, baby.”

 

“Me too,” I answer quickly, this one, my lips couldn’t even lie.

 

I heard the usual chuckle from the line, made my heart beating so hard by the hearing of that delicious sound.

 

“I think you better sleep now, baby, I’m sleepy too,”

 

I nodded even if I know he couldn’t see me. “Okay,”

 

“Sleep, Hyukkie baby, I love you,”

 

“Me too,”

 

 

And then we hung up.

 

I…

 

 

Do I still have to certain, I will believe in Hae?

 

Maybe…

 

 

If I didn’t know it’s Donghae, I would’ve thought that guy is her boyfriend.

 

 

Oh, hell.

 

 

I still….

 

 

I’m sorry, baby.

 

 

Maybe I’m just not good enough for you.

 

But I won’t give you up just like that.

 

 

I lay down for I don’t know how long, staring at the ceiling.

 

My mind is screwed.

 

I tried to sleep, but I can’t.

 

 

I realize how confusing my feeling is when I’m thinking about Hae, but I don’t know what to do about it.

 

RING~

 

Suddenly, I heard rings from my phone again.

 

Oh… Is it Hae again?

 

I just think I almost dozed off, but never mind, that’s just because I didn’t do anything at the moment so I easily got sleepy.

 

Closing my eyes, I roamed my hand through the nightstand and grabbed my phone who’s currently keep ringing, pressing ‘answer’ button blindly and put it on my right ear.

 

 

 

“Hello…”

 

 

 

----===---

 

I glance down towards the field on the ground floor, then to the front gate which I know I won’t find Hae there.

 

Yeah, I’m going home with him, I know.

 

But he said he’s going to do something first, and I insist to wait.

 

 

Even I don’t even know how many times I become so harsh towards him.

 

 

I’m waiting for any rumor to appears again this morning, which I don’t have any, fortunately, but I got those stares from almost everyone.

 

That ing stare, the stare that make me feel like something.

 

 

I mean, most of them stared at me with that pity stare, another some stared at me with ‘everything is gonna be okay’ stare, while another stared at me with some undefined stare.

 

I don’t like it.

 

I know they suspect something has gone wrong between me and Hae.

 

Whose fault is it?

 

Not mine, him.

 

Hae.

 

 

I swear even if Hae’s cheating, I will show to everyone that he does still belong to me, and me only.

 

Hell, Hae doesn’t even forget to pamper me as always—even if I know, everytime he pamper me, something has bothered his mind, which made me even sure about the rumor.

 

Aish, forget it for a moment, will you?

 

 

I bit my lower lip and glance to my watch. It’s been half an hour since the last bell rang, and there are still plenty of students around.

 

What to do?

 

Wait for him?

 

 

I decided to walked towards the dance hall and practice there since I’ve been skipping the club activity yesterday.

 

Yeah, I think that would be goo—

 

 

What if…?

 

 

I stopped my feet, crossing my brows.

 

What if he’s going to meet that girl again?

 

 

Gosh, stupid.

 

My stupid thoughts has managed to take back those steps and made me heading to Rakooga, to make sure about what is he doing since if I doesn’t know,

 

It will bother me, a lot.

 

 

Unconsciously, I brought myself faster than I imagine because it’s not until 2 minutes and I’m already arrive to the front of Rox Room.

 

Yeah, fast enough?

 

 

I look around. I know Hae and maybe the others are inside, since I know they always home late. But…

 

Aish! Stop being a coward!

 

I won’t do anything that could disturb them, I swear.

 

 

With that, I knocked slowly to the door, waiting for a bit before turning the doorknob in hesitate, but, never mind, I’m already opening it.

 

 

“H-hello…”

 

Inside, I only see Sungmin and Kyuhyun.

 

Sungmin is doing something, writing, or maybe drawing? I couldn’t see it clearly. And Kyuhyun, at his side, just playing his PSP so seriously, he only glanced at me for a milisec before get back to the screen.

 

Such a game addict.

 

 

Minnie turned to see me and smiled. “Hyuk ah! What are you doing there? Come in, Hyuk!”

 

I slowly closed the door, and stepped closer to a single couch at the corner of the room.

 

“Hae hyung is in the principal’s room,” Kyu muttered, eyes still glued to his PSP screen, tilting it left and right unconsciously.

 

Oh, principal’s room?

 

I really am having negative thoughts towards him.

 

 

I couldn’t help it being super possessive that could make our relationship harmed.

 

I hope Hae doesn’t know it.

 

 

“Just wait here, maybe it’s not that long,” Minnie said. “What happened, Hyuk? You’re not looking well,”

 

Hell, I never look well ever since that rumor appears.

 

“Ah, it’s just… Nothing,” I chuckled bitterly, staring awkwardly to the floor.

 

 

“Hmm,” Kyu hummed. “Something is bothering you,”

 

“No—I just…”

 

You’re right, something is really bothering me.

 

 

Eh—wait.

 

I could just ask them about Yoona, since she’s Siwon’s cousin, right?

 

And where is he?

 

“Where’s Siwon and the others?” I asked, feeling so empty since I know 4 of the Rox has graduate, but there are still 6 others, right?

 

“Siwon is going to America again for I don’t know how long….” Minnie shrugged. “That business guy really busy, but he likes it to help his dad with the business. He’s talented, though. Yesung and Wookie already left just now,”

 

Hm… I see.

 

 

“H-hey…” I tried to compose the question out of my head, but I don’t know it will be so hard.

 

I have to make it flow as casual as I can.

 

“Hm?” Minnie hummed back, writing something on his paper.

 

I played with my fingers. “Do you know Siwon’s cousin who’s in Fukuura?”

 

“He means Yoona,” Kyu muttered to Minnie, make my heart flinched by the name he casually said.

 

“Yeah…  Her,”

 

 

Minnie raised his brows confusedly, and glance at me. “What’s with her? Did she made any problem there?”

 

“No…” I shook my head slowly. If she did, I won’t care either.

 

“Are you all close with her?”

 

Minnie goes silent for awhile. “He’s close with all of us, but she’s closer to his own cousin, Hae, and Heechul hyung. I could say those three has become her guardians or so, since they already know each other for such a long time until now,”

 

 

I stunned.

 

Hae…

 

Hae, too?

 

 

“What’s with the question, Hyuk ah?”

 

I quickly shook my head furiously as I faking a chuckle. “What do you mean by guardians?”

 

“Oh, it’s just that… You maybe know that Siwon really loves and care for Yoona as his ‘baby girl’ or something… But Heechul hyung and Hae loves her just as much,”

 

“Not that kind of love,” Kyu quickly added, made me blinked because he may just read my mind.

 

“Yeah, of course,” Minnie rolled his eyes. “Ever since 2^nd grade, we rarely hang out again since we’re so busy. And Yoona just moved from her old school, make it busier. Usually we hang outs at her restaurant,”

 

I nodded understandingly.

 

But then…

 

 

Siwon has become so busy, now..

 

Heechul hyung has graduate.

 

Hae is the only person that available.

 

 

But—

Sometimes, that kind of care can turns into love, I mean real love.

 

 

No.

 

No, please no.

 

Please, please, please, no.

 

 

I hate it how Yoona knows Hae longer than I know him.

 

But what can I do?

 

I love him more than Yoona does, it’s certain.

 

 

“Isn’t she had boyfriend?” I asked out of sudden, but not regretting it since I want to know either.

 

 

Minnie shrugged. “No, I don’t think so. I once heard that she had someone she likes, but I didn’t hear anything more,”

 

“We even thought Hae likes her since he always said he’s not gay,” Kyuhyun followed, and Sungmin nods. “It turns out you’re his first love,”

 

I’m…

 

Am I really, his first love?

 

What if he just didn’t tell his feelings to Yoona, before I appear to his life?

 

 

“GAH TTT!!!”

 

I gasped by Kyu’s sudden screams, so does Minnie.

 

 

“I’M FREAKING STUCK!” He stared at his PSP screen in horror. “I’m stuck! Ah! ! This can’t be happening! Shi—oh…”

 

Suddenly, he calmed again.

 

“You’re stuck, Kyu? I thought you never got stuck like that…” Minnie asked, peeking to the PSP screen but then Kyu chuckled.

 

“What? No, it turns out I’m not stuck. See?” He said proudly, showing the screen to Minnie and get back to his previous position. “I just only ever stuck once in my life,” he said even prouder.

 

But still, he’s stuck right?

 

I thought he’s master in gaming.

 

 

Minnie laughed. “Really? But that still count, right? When is it? I never know,”

 

 

“What? You said you never know?” Kyu glance at him in disbelief, but just get back to play his game in his cool manner as he shrugged.

 

 

“I’m stuck at you,”

 

 

 

 

…

 

 

Why he has to be that cheesy when I’m around?

 

I heard Minnie slapped Kyu’s arm with his red face. I bet he’s damn happy right now, because Kyu is way too cool when he’s saying his cheesy lines.

 

 

I’m so jealous.

 

I wish Hae was here.

 

But if he is, I will get so awkward thinking how is his relationship with Yoona which is, piss me off.

 

I got up, decided to leave these 2 lovebirds since if I keep being here, my existence will just disturb them.

 

“Eh? Where are you going, Hyuk ah?” Minnie asked.

 

“I’ll just walk around,” I said, giving him a slight smile and walked out from the room.

 

 

Seriously, why I get so envy?

 

Hae is still so caring to me.

 

Even if he’s not cheesier than last week—which we’re not even that lovey dovey than last week—at least he’s still so care about me and that made me really, blessed.

 

The thing I don’t understand is the Yoona part.

 

Maybe if I didn’t know it, if I’m not involved with Fukuura and the rumors inside it, the reason why our relationship becomes not too well is I.

 

I, am the one who always got so harsh to him.

 

Yet he still care and loving.

 

I want to show him that I love him back, but…

 

 

Jealousy took over me, and I couldn’t think of anything instead of doing the opposite of what I actually feels.

 

 

“Hyukkie?”

 

My heart stopped, hearing the most familiar voice that I’ve been craving to hear.

 

 

“Hae?”

 

I turned and there he is, my handsome boyfriend, walking towards me with smile formed on his lips.

 

That charming smile, as always.

 

“What are you doing here, baby?” he asked soon as he stepped in front of me, grabbing my hand with his warm one. “Are you ready to go home? I’ll grab my backpack first at Rox Room, if you do,”

 

I just silence.

 

Say something, pabo.

 

 

—But this warm hand muted me.

 

 

Yoona’s,

 

Guardian.

 

 

That means, he will protect her, from anything, right?

 

 

Why…

 

Stop being so possessive,

 

It hurts.

 

What if Yoona likes Hae.

 

What if they liked each other but Hae, in other hand, loves me too?

 

 

What if?

 

What if those are right?

 

 

What if these warm hands is not belonged to only me?

 

 

“Baby?”

 

I felt other warmth cupped my cheek lovingly, as I feel he’s leaning even closer, making me hard to breath.

 

Don’t…

 

I’ll just drown to your act—if it is an act.

 

Why I couldn’t trust my own love?

 

Why I couldn’t?

 

I have to try,

 

I have to.

 

I have to.

 

 

Just if… He gives me any explanations maybe that will do.

 

 

But where is it?

 

Where the is it?

 

What if what I’m suspecting this whole time is right?

 

 

I’ll be so broke—

 

 

“Mmm,”

 

This, again.

 

We’re in school’s corridor, for heaven’s sake.

 

 

But—that’s not what bothering me.

 

He my lips, asking me to part it which I unconsciously did, while my hand suddenly already at his shoulder, gripped his uniform tightly.

 

I want this.

 

I really do.

 

 

Who doesn’t want to kiss this perfect boyfriend?

 

Who doesn’t want to be pampered?

 

 

But—what if… These perfect lips are not only…

 

 

Mine?

 

G-gross.

 

 

“H-hyukkie?”

 

Wait.

 

What did I just… do?

 

 

He’s standing a step away from me, looking at me with that eyes—that hurting, and confuse eyes.

 

I pushed him?

 

I rejected his kiss.

 

 

I’m thinking that those lips is shared with Yoona, and I couldn’t help but to feel so gross and hate build inside me, even if I didn’t know if he has kissed Yoona or not.

 

 

I’m at fault, gosh.

 

I felt so guilty.

 

But I couldn’t see him for now.

 

Or else I won’t calm down my feeling.

 

Seriously, stop being so negative.

 

 

I hate it.

 

 

Unconsciously, without letting my mind knowing it, my body already walked closer to him because of the guilt, and hugged him tightly.

 

“I’m really sorry,”

 

And before he could respond anything, I already pulled apart, letting myself not drowning with his warmth,

 

And then I left.

 

 

I left him.

 

 

I just—

 

I just can’t see him in the moment.

 

 

I’m really disgusting.

 

 

 

-----===-----===----

 

DONGHAE POV

 

 

I lay down on my bed, messing my hair desperately.

 

 

Hyukkie…

 

Hyukkie…

 

Why are you being so cold to me?

 

 

I’m unable to ask, since if I do, your reaction will get worsen to me.

 

Just…

 

Just… Everything made my life screwed up.

 

 

 

“Hae oppa…”

 

She’s crying her heart out.

 

 

I can’t,

 

I can’t see her like this.

 

 

 

Gosh, ing gosh.

 

Why my life has become this miserable?

 

I swear I can’t sleep, I swear I’ve been just countless time calling Hyukkie since that scene—when Hyukkie pushed me from the kiss.

 

He…

 

I never look his eyes seeing me with that stare.

 

That hatred stare.

 

 

Even if he quickly hugged me and apologizes to me right after that, but stare doesn’t lie.

 

Oh baby.

 

My heart feels like it’s been torn apart.

 

 

I have so many problems.

 

What should I do?

 

 

I messed my hair desperately, again.

 

 

“You looks troubled—anyway, Hyuk hyung’s here just now,”

 

“I know,”

 

I grabbed my backpack and feeling broke.

 

“Something’s wrong with you both?” Minnie’s voice.

 

 

“Or with Yoona?”

 

 

I stunned.

 

“How did I know? Well, ask Hyuk hyung?”

 

 

 

.

 

!!

 

What’s wrong with me?

 

Hyukkie… Baby…

 

I’m sorry.

 

 

I should have known it.

 

What the is going on with me?

 

I hurt him.

 

I must have hurt him.

 

 

B-but…

 

“Sssh.. Please, calm, please?” I asked softly, hugging the weak creature in front of me.

 

Oh God.

 

“I don’t… I don’t know what to do…”

 

The sobs are getting harder, shattering my heart.

 

 

“Oppa… I really don’t…”

 

I closed my eyes.

 

 

“H-hyukkie?”

 

He keep staring at me, with that stare, that heartbreaking stare and I just…

 

Suddenly—I felt something wrapped around my waist for only ten seconds.

 

 

“I’m really sorry,”

 

 

And then he left.

 

 

I’m a jerk.

 

I’m a total jerk to my own boyfriend.

 

But what can I…

 

What can I do?

 

 

I’m so freaking dense.

 

Maybe he thought about that too.

 

 

 

I quickly ran to that place right after I read the message.

 

Where is…

 

Oh.

 

“Hey, you have to eat, you know? Why aren’t you? C’mon,” I quickly dragged the said person to the cafeteria, and realize that cold hand is so obvious to my own heat.

 

“This is why you have to eat,”

 

She pouted.

 

“Everyone is looking at us,”

 

I glance around and, yeah, they are.

 

 

Gosh, I’m too careless.

 

And yet Hyukkie might be eating alone.

 

 

“AAAARGH!!” I screamed outloud, didn’t even care about what if butlers or some of bodyguards hear my yells.

 

 

I want to punch myself so ing bad.

 

I want to go to my boyfriend, having myself in his warmth but I know he wouldn’t let me.

 

I’m at fault.

 

 

Baby, I’m sorry.

 

I’m…

 

I can’t hold myself anymore.

 

I quickly got up from the bed, grabbing my phone and shoved it inside my pocket before I ran outside the house, feeling something possessed me already.

 

How about…?

this, I need to make sure Hyukkie won’t be mad at me first.

 

 

Idiot, of course he would be mad at you.

 

I’m just…

If I’m saying the truth then…

 

GAH!

 

I ran, and ran. Until I got in front of the familiar house that make my heart warm because I know who’s inside it.

Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I quickly pressed my speed dial to my beautiful boyfriend.

 

“Please, answer it,”

 

No answer.

 

I pressed redial, and waited for five seconds,

 

 

Still no answer.

 

!

 

I glance inside the garage, and found out that there’s nothing inside it except Hyukkie’s own car. I don’t know if he’s inside, since he usually got home by walking.

 

Now what should I do?

 

What should I do?

 

 

I bit my lower lip.

 

 

“Too bad, we’re here after the sunset,”

 

I nodded. “Yeah, are you feeling better?”

 

Small chuckles were coming out from the small lips.

 

“Thank you, oppa, really,”

 

 

The wind is so strong tonight.

 

I’m glad Hyukkie doesn’t really interested in going to the beach often.

 

He’s skinny and stuff, he could’ve just sick.

 

 

“Aren’t you cold?”

 

She just smiled. “Not really,”

 

Yeah, she is, too.

 

I quickly take off my jacket and wrapped it around her.

 

“Seriously, we should head back now, if you’re feeling better,”

 

 

She just chuckled bitterly, shedding a tear from her eyes again.

 

No,

I just hate to see it.

 

 

“Yeah,”

 

I gasped.

 

Hyukkie’s answering the phone!

 

I sighed in relieve, he never answered the phone ever since he rejected my kiss.

 

 

“H-hyukkie, where are you?”

 

“Home…”

 

His voice is damn husky.

 

Is he crying?

 

Oh, no.

 

Oh no.

 

“Baby, could you just come out for a moment? Are you still mad at me?” I asked, panic. I really can’t stand to imagine those droplets of tears coming out from those beautiful eyes, yet I already did countless time.

 

I heard silence.

 

“B-baby?”

 

 

PEEP!

 

The line…

 

!

 

He ended the call?

 

He..

Is he really mad at me that he couldn’t even bear to talk to me even for a moment?

 

…

 

!

 

I’m so screwed.

 

I’m a bastard, but I can’t hold it.

 

I swear if he’s being like this, every single second of my life has become a tortur—

 

 

The door suddenly snapped open.

 

God.

 

“H-hyukkie,”

 

His face is red, still wearing his uniform that has become messy, his eyes are puffy, I don’t know, I want to punch myself more for being too bastard that I didn’t know why exactly did he cry.

 

“Hyuk—“

 

 

“Come… In,”

 

 

 

---===---

 

 

“Mmmh…”

 

I his lower lip hungrily, while he parted and make me sneaked my tongue in, just about to meet his and battled for dominance.

He deepened the kiss by rounding his arms around my neck, pulling me down since he’s now lying, with two upper buttons uniform ed.

 

“Mm, ah,”

 

We gasp, feeling lack of air, yet we just panted and keep kissing each other in needs, my hand supporting myself to not bump into him yet our kiss became hotter and hotter, I almost lost myself.

 

“T-tickles…” He whispers, right after I start to give small kisses on his neck, it while I ed the two other buttons out of my mind.

 

 

So, y.

 

I gasped, right after he roamed his hands on my chest, and slowly stopped me from keep kissing his neck, instead, he ed one of the button from my uniform and give a peck on my chest.

 

Maybe he could just hear my heartbeat.

 

“Baby…” I panted, sat up along with him while he start to give the same kiss like I just did on his neck. 

 

He makes me go crazy, out of my mind.

I could smell possessiveness from his kiss, yet I couldn’t do anything except his hair lovingly, before he opened another button which is quickly revealing my chest slightly.

 

Oh God.

 

I couldn’t held myself because of his way dominate me, yet I’m enjoying it so much.

 

 

“Ah,”

 

I pushed him slowly and start ravishing his lips once again, feeling so hungry for his kiss.

 

“Hae… Mm, H-hae…”

 

y.

 

We just panted, kissing each other, pulled apart, kissing all over his face, until we I don’t know how long as we ended up by him inside my embrace—still with the clothes on, of course.

 

Gosh, why are we kissing each other when he’s obviously mad at me?

 

I just…

I bet he’s missing me the way I missed him.

 

And that’s, a lot.

 

 

We still panted from the long heated kiss, not any word came out from our lips as we still busy with our own thoughts.

 

“Baby…”

 

He didn’t responded, just staring to my chest. I his hair slowly, kissing his forehead and leaned to his ear, whispering really slowly.

 

“I have a request,”

 

He glance up at me, with that, oh so adorable expression that I can’t believe he could be the one kissing me like before.

 

“Will you do it for me?”

 

He bit his lower lip, make me fight the urge to kiss him again—since if I do, I won’t be able to speak to him and just kiss him all night instead.

 

“What… Is it?”

 

His husky voice now sounds so y.

 

 

I leaned closer and closer, closing the gap between our lips as I give as much love as I can to the kiss, so he could understand that I love him, I love him so damn much.

 

We parted, from the passionate but not so intimate kiss like before, because of the oxygen needs and yet we stared to each other eyes with love filled stare, even without a blink. And I know he’s been waiting for my answer.

 

 

I just want him to do it for me, then our relationship won’t be broken.

 

I want to apologize to him, but I know it’s meaningless for now.

 

It’s only one thing I need the most.

 

 

 

“Trust me,”

 

 

 

 

Please.

 

 

 

 

==========================================================

[a/n]: hello everyone~ HAPPY NEW YEAR! sorry I'm latee, but it's a super long chappie so you have to forgive me! ^^

anyway, thanks for keep reading!

 

please check my one-shot... It's my first one! 

thank you so much!

 

My Name is Lee Donghae (ONESHOT)

 

I love you !!!