~*~

KIM TAEYEON AND KWON JIYONG'S MARRIAGE OFFICIALLY DISSOLVED

1. [+9453 / -1342] Finally, our justice system worked right. While there are people who truly love each other and can't afford a decent wedding, these two wasted millions of dollars showing off their staged marriage to save their careers. They could have donated it to the needy, but they chose to lie. Karma's as y and as ty as Taeyeon. Good.

SM CONFIRMS KIM TAEYEON WILL NEVER COME BACK TO SNSD

1. [+8938 / -894] Praise the heavens! We, Sones, are done with her. I don't want her to have anything to do with the eight members' career. She's a curse, a betrayer. We don't need you!

SOURCES REVEAL KIM TAEYEON WILL PERMANENTLY RESIDE IN JEONJU

1. [+7284 / -485] Yes! I no longer have to see her on TV, or have her airport photos and public sightings litter the Internet. Every time I see her face,  I just want to vomit. Stay as far away from the spotlight as possible .

~*~

I have learned to keep away from the media. Not only did they post about my life like everyday news, the comments of the people were toxic for me and Jiwon. To protect my child, I chose to avoid the poison that further weakened me. The media and the public could taunt, ridicule and judge me all they want. It didn't matter now, because I was far away from the spotlight. Here in my quiet hometown, Jiwon and I settled for good.

There was peace. Quiet. Normalcy. And above all... family.

I watched my mother fold my clothes at the foot of my bed while I drew random things on a piece of a small canvas. I smiled at the scene. This was just like when I was nine, and there was no SM and SNSD yet. The sight comforted me. I decided to stop drawing and scoot nearer my mother, then I helped her fold all the newly washed and dried clothes.

"Thank you for doing this for me umma," I muttered. She just smiled at me.

"Your dad and I decided to use our emergency savings to build a nursery for Jiwon," she replied, standing up to put the folded clothes in my drawer. "That way, the two of you can stay with us and we can help you take care of her while you get back on your feet."

"I have a couple hundred grand left mom. You can use that for the renovation--"

"Nonsense! You've given this family everything that we have now," she exclaimed, and her voice must have invited my dad, because he just peeked on the room and then entered to join us. Mom continued, "Whatever you saved up from SNSD, that's all yours. Use it to start a small-scale business, or to go back to school. Your savings from working hard at such a young age are all yours."

Appa sat on the bedside with me and took away the clothes from my hands. He put away the basket of laundry and put them on the floor. Dad held my hand and kissed my forehead.

"Don't feel pressured about starting over," he said. "You would need peace of mind for the next two to three years while you raise a child. There's no rush about going to school, or finding another job, because the court declared Jiyong's child support and alimony. You will be fine financially."

Yes. According to the judge's decision, Kwon Jiyong was to give me half of everything he earned in a fiscal year. It didn't feel right to accept anything he earned on his own. I decided I wouldn't accept the alimony, but would accept Jiwon's child support. How could I still depend on him when we weren't husband and wife anymore? The thought of our nullified marriage hurt me beyond words. Up to this day, I still wasn't able to read, or even hold, the divorce papers again. Whatever was in there regarding financial matters, I only found out from my parents. I couldn't bear to look at it. I couldn't accept that we were divorced. I couldn't believe that there was no marriage tying us any longer.

"I'm sorry that we were weak," my mom suddenly cried out, and when I looked up, I saw that she was in tears. She sat beside me so she and my dad were sandwiching me.

"Umma... why are you s-saying that? Don't," I told her, wiping the tears off her face.

"Because we weren't strong enough for you, because we didn't trust you, we allowed you to marry Jiyong. Every night, I blame myself for everything that you're going through."

"Don't say that umma. It's not your fault!" I cried out too.

This was the first moment my parents and I discussed my life in this level. In the past week, all we talked about was how to settle my life in Jeonju, or the pains I felt about Jiyong. They soothed me, motivated me, but we never talked about the past like this. I wasn't ready to hear it, because it would only cause me to be even sadder.

"I keep telling you you're an irresponsible mother. Yet I should tell that to myself. I messed you up. I didn't encourage you, I didn't believe in you. I lost faith in you, and thought you were weak," umma continued to cry out, and she held my hands too. I always liked it when my parents held me together like this. It always made me feel that I wasn't alone, even if I had the burden of the world on my shoulder. She then held on my face and said, "But you know what? You are far stronger than anyone else I've ever known. I am so proud of the woman you've become. Thank you for hanging in there, my Taeyeon. And I'm sorry for not having faith in you."

Then, dad also said, "Your mom and I will now be stronger for you. We will be here every step of the way, and will not force you into any decision anymore. We love you very much Taeyeon."

"I love you too," I replied, putting my head on dad's shoulders while mom wiped the tears off my face.

"Let's move on from here, okay?" appa asked, caressing and squeezing my arms. "We will start over. You and Jiwon are not alone. Here in Jeonju, we can go back to living a quiet and simple life, only with my grandchild in our lives. I'm very excited about her to come."

"So what do you want to do child?" my mother then asked when we have all calmed down a little bit. "Like we said, there's no rush. But next to SNSD, do you know what else you wish to pursue?"

Mom's question made me think. I lifted my head from my father's body, and suddenly thought about the answer to her question. Then, my sight fell on the drawing canvas I just abandoned. I felt its sight warm my heart.

"I want to pursue... art."

"Art?" umma clarified.

"Fine arts," I confirmed. Just then, my father stood up to leave the room. "Where are you going appa?"

He did not respond. My mother and I just looked at each other in confusion. A minute later, dad came back, carrying with him an old canvas book. It was one of my childhood canvas books.

"Do you remember this?" he asked, opening the booklet and displaying to me and mom the drawings inside. My drawings inside. Dad chuckled and said,  "I always thought you would be an artist one day. Well, a different kind of artist. So pursue that dream, Taeyeon. You have another talent other than singing."

I took the booklet from him, and with my mother, we looked at my juvenile art works. These were my drawings from elementary school, while I was just a trainee for SM Entertainment. I drew just about everything - nature, love, people. I couldn't believe I was already this able to draw when I was only 14.

"I think I want to start an art school for children," I declared, sharing with my parents my deepest and most secret ambition for the first time. "But in order to do that, I have to go to university. I'll go back to school when I'm ready."

"That's great! That's a beautiful dream," dad excitedly declared. "We'll be there with you every single day as you achieve it."

"You can do this Taeyeon. You're a strong woman!" my mother encouraged, squeezing my arms too. "Even if your days as SNSD is gone, even if your fans turned their backs on you, even if this scandal might haunt you for as long as you live, always look up! Jiwon's here now. She's worth all that you've been through, and she will replace all the pain with happiness. So pursue that dream for Jiwon, arasseo?"

I nodded, and we all chuckled and cried together. That afternoon as I talked to my parents, I felt a rush of hope. Like going forward would be easier. Like I was not alone. Like I could do anything as long as Jiwon was with me. So even if the thought of going through the next days without Jiyong hurt me, Jiwon was able to appease all the pain I felt for her father.

But I wouldn't lie and say that my deepest desire was still to be with Jiyong as I achieved that dream. I thought about him a lot, even if my life has began to settle in Jeonju. The words of love he professed to me, they made me hang on to something. I wasn't hoping pitifully anymore. I was ready to move on from the divorce. But for every time his words of I love you echoed in my memory, I felt a strong sense of hope that someday, we could work things out and be together.

Right now, the only thing stopping us from being together was my selfishness and his baggages. I didn't want to accept him, thinking he still wasn't the man who deserved me. What did he need to do for me to accept him? For me to forget all the sufferings I've been through and just be with him again? I didn't know. But I was sure I would know once he's done what needed to be done.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

As his face appeared on my phone screen, I felt my heart drop. In my bedroom veranda, I got excited. Even if feeling this excitement wasn't helping me to move on, I couldn't help it. This was the first time in a week that we'd talk, the first time since he confessed he loved me in that hidden alleyway in Apkujeong.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

I thought for a while whether or not I should answer it. But as I felt Jiwon on my stomach, I knew that it would be right to pick up his call. I should be used to this. He was Jiwon's father. We'd interact with each other in the future, and talking to him couldn't be helped.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Yoboseyo?"

"Hi."

One word. Just one word, and the hoarse way he muttered that one word already made my heart jump. I missed him so badly that I held on to that one word to keep me alive. As the Jeonju wind touched my face, so did Jiyong's spirit did to my heart.

"Hi."

"Did you see get the package I sent?"

More words. Every word he said, they became like water to my thirsty heart. I quenched on every sound he made, and they soothed my beat and blue heart.

"Y-yes."

"Did you already open it?"

"Yes."

"And... have you r-read it?"

"I did."

Well, that was a lie. I only read the first page that said our marriage was now nullified. After that, I couldn't bear to read the ten-page document. I didn't know why Jiyong thought it was important for me to read through the divorce papers. That was like adding insult to the injury. I couldn't add salt to my wounds.

"Wh-what do you think?"

I couldn't understand why he was asking these questions. They hurt me. What part of our dissolved marriage needed thinking?

"I think it's time for us to move on. Now that the marriage is over, we can just put everything behind, and move forward. That's what I originally wanted after all."

He didn't respond. What did he expect me to say? Did he expect me to confess the unbelievable pain I felt as I read through the words nullified marriage? Did he expect me to beg him to marry me again? Or maybe he expected me to say I accepted him, and we could be together again. I recognized the role of pride in this relationship. It needed pride. This relationship needed my pride.

"Jiyong? Are you still there?"

"Is that what you really want?"

"It's not what I want, but it's what's right. It's for Jiwon's best interest," I admitted.

My pride, after all, was all for Jiwon. If I let his friends and Kiko overstep and hurt me, I wouldn't ever allow them to do that to Jiwon. The world could hurt me all they want, but not my child. It's for Jiwon that I chose not to accept his father who still did not deserve us.

"Have you really already forgiven me? You opened the package... does that mean..."

"I don't know what to forgive you for. I just think I love you very much, that's why it hurts like this. I really don't need to forgive you. I just need to think of myself a little bit, think of Jiwon, and forget all the pain," I muttered, closing my eyes as I said it.

The wind was how becoming too chilly for me, so I entered my bedroom once more. With difficulty, I lay on the bed, with only the nightlamp's light illuminating the room.

"If you love me, why do you insist on moving forward without me?"

"Like I said, I need to be selfish and think only of myself. I can't accept you and your baggages Jiyong. It's not fair to me, and it sure isn't fair to our child. I'm staying here in Jeonju. Stay there in Seoul, or travel the world. Just give me this little bit of time."

He became silent again. I heard him breathe on the other line. Even just his breaths became hope to me. I longed for him so badly that I could just listen to his hoarse breaths all night.

"I love you Taeyeon."

And when he said that, I found myself crying, holding on to Jiwon.

"I love you too Jiyong."

Why did I have to say that? But I found that I didn't hate myself for doing so. I loved him. He loved me. So what's stopping us? Then I realized it was the world outside us. We lived in a world that poisoned our love, that broke us apart. All the scandals, the headlines, they strained us both. We were in a place where saying I love you to each other just weren't enough.

"One day, you'll see that what I'm saying is true. One day, you'll see that I can deserve you."

"I'm sorry that it's going to hurt in the mean time while you don't see baby girl. Just a little while... Please just give me this time to heal myself."

"I miss you and baby girl every second."

"We miss you too."

"If you change your mind, you know where to find me."

"Let's hang up now," I begged. I was poisoning myself more by allowing us to say our emotions like this. I was afraid that if we said more loves, that the night would end with me giving myself to him.

"Can we not hang up? Can we stay like this... until possible?"

That requ