~*~
 

As I listened to my parents shout angrily from the ground floor, I just tucked myself in the bed, tugging the sheets that were protecting me and baby girl. I had no more tears left to cry. Surprisingly, even if Jiyong's begging voice resounded all over my parents' home, I did not become an emotional mess.

My mother and father were doing an excellent job sending him away. Yet Jiyong was also doing an excellent job begging them to let him see me. I didn't know how I truly wanted their heated discussion to end up. Did I want to see Jiyong right after we confessed our adultery, and announced our divorce, to our entire family? Or was I tired enough to just leave Seoul without seeing him? I listened as he constantly apologized to my father, I listened as he cried and begged for my mother's mercy. I listened as my hurting parents lectured him about the true meaning of marriage. I listened, and it was as if the lessons they were reaching my husband also got engraved in me.

I listened, took to heart what they said, yet I did not cry. I was already numbed.

When silence covered the house, my senses came back to me. The lecture was over. Because of swimming in deep thoughts, I failed to catch what the end result was. Did Jiyong leave? Or did my parents let him go up to my room and see me?

I slowly got out of bed and approached the door of my bedroom, planning to take a peek. But just as I was walking towards it, the bedroom door flew open to reveal Kwon Jiyong. And this time, he wasn't disabled or muted like he was in our house earlier, while we talked to our families.

"What are you doing here?"

"Tell me you lied!" he exclaimed so emotionally, closing the door after him and coming close to me.

"I'm really tired Jiyong, and I just want to sleep," I calmly answered, because I just knew what was going to happen next.

I wasn't sure I was mentally, emotionally, or physically ready to have an honest-to-God conversation with my husband. I bowed my head and caught my head, shaking it a couple of times to gesture my tiredness.

"I want this all to be over, because I've had enough. This," I pointed to my heart as I looked up to him, "...is now numb."

"So just tell me you lied about everything!" he shouted, stepping another two leaps to reach me. But I just shook my head at him and bowed down again.

"Tell me you lied about seeing Leeteuk," he begged, holding my arms on both sides, forcing me to look up. But I held ground and remained looking on the floor. He shook me and said, "Tell me you lied about signing the divorce papers!"

Clearly, I wasn't numb. Because just as he held on my body, as he breathed and talked inches away from my face, as I felt his warmth and presence again, the knives began to tear my heart again, shredding it so painfully, that it felt like I could just die.

"TELL ME YOU LIED ABOUT NOT LOVING ME!"

"SHUT UP JIYONG!" I cried out, feeling the last shredding of my heart kill me. The tears attacked my sanity once more, and they came, raging. "ENOUGH! I'M GIVING UP BECAUSE THIS IS ALL TOO MUCH!"

I lied. Of course I lied a lot. I lied about everything. My last statement silenced Jiyong, and I felt him let go of my body. I almost shouted for him to never let go, because I found myself yearning for his touch. He stepped back slowly, and when our eyes met, I saw an inexplicable pain in his brown eyes. It was as if he hurt with my words. But I shook any of those thoughts, because they only made me hope. Hoping for Jiyong meant still wanting to fight. Even if Youngbae gave me ammunitions, even if he encouraged me and gave me hope, I didn't want to have to fight this war. I decided that if I wanted to fight, it would be for myself, and for baby girl. Not for Kwon Jiyong. Because he had to be the one to fight for me, for us. Not me.

"So that's it? After everything we've been through, you're just giving up?" he asked so bitterly, the pain coating his every word, his every sound. Seeing him hurt like this also hurt me beyond words, and I could only cry helplessly.

"So what's the point of going through them all? We've already hurt so bad just to give up now. This is all for our baby girl, so you can't give up on us! There's not going to be a divorce. There's no end. You and me, we will stay together for baby girl! We've done so much, lost so much, sacrificed so much, just for this marriage!"

"We? We sacrificed so much? We lost so much?" I couldn't help but say. All his words did not dwell so smoothly in me. In fact, I felt resentful of what he said. "Tell me this Kwon Jiyong. Did you sacrifice Big Bang? Did you lose YG? Did you sacrifice your great friends? Did you lose the love of your life?"

I felt resentment swallow me whole, and I knew that I would regret my next words. This time, the raging tears wouldn't let out without a fight, and they prevented me from being calm, or reasonable, or merciful.

"NO YOU DID NOT, BUT I DID! I SACRIFICED SO MUCH! I LOST SO MUCH!"

"Your name, your future, your life, they're not greater or more important than mine! My name's tarnished! My life became crap! My future in my career was destroyed! I'm the only one of us who lost everything! I'm the only one suffering because I'm the woman, I'm the mother, even if I am a victim too! This ing society and its double standards, your friends, your fans, your lover, and you yourself, you're all giving me a slow and excruciating death!"

I felt every word I said, and as I said them, my heart shouted for mercy. It was being badly mutilated, abused, torn to pieces, and I just desperately wanted everything to stop. I was bawling my eyes out now, and I was so short of breath. I did not want to appear this weak, because I didn't want him to come help me. I couldn't let him touch me, or comfort me. So I fought all the will to break down, and only made the angry tears fall peacefully.

"I'm not blaming you Jiyong. I'm not asking you to love me. I never did, and I never will. But at least have the decency to respect me. Because now, it feels like I'm dying, and I don't want to kill our child with me."

And that next move he made was the last thing I expected him to do. Over the last few months, I never once thought Kwon Jiyong would ever do this to me. I've seen him do this before, but he was drunk. And he did so, only because of that same woman whose existence caused me all these sufferings. But now, my husband was very much sober and sane. He wrapped his arms around my waist, his face meeting with baby girl. From the last time this happened, my stomach has grown twice in size, making what he was doing much more difficult on his part. But he rested his face on my belly, kissing and crying silently in there. His appearance, his actions, his pain, they were killing me, disabling me, softening me.

"Taeyeon please. I'd do anything. Please just stay with me," he begged, my abdomen muffling his voice. Yet his face remained buried on baby girl, and I felt him kiss me, kiss baby girl, over and over. "Don't take her away from me. Tell me what I have to do and I'll do it."

"Don't do this Jiyong," I cried out, pushing him away. But he was adamant to stay embracing me and our child.

Don't make me do it. I dreaded this point when he'd ask me point-blank to be selfish. I would never. It went against who I was. I didn't want to require him of anything, to force him into something, especially if I knew my requests would kill him.

"Do you want us to try?" he asked so emotionally, and this made me weak in the knees.

Try what? No. Don't say that. Just stop making me change my mind.

"If you want us to try and have a real relationship--"

"Don't ask me things you'll hate me for," I cut him off, finally surrendering my weight to the surface of the bed.

His hold on me permanently melted my knees. But as I sat, he remained kneeled on the ground, his face just the same level as mine. When I sat down, he took his arms off my waist, and instead rested his hands on my lap, taking ahold of my hands too.

"You're my wife. This is our family. You can be selfish and demand me to stay with you," he muttered, his face tearful. He gripped my hand so tightly, and I just shook my head with his every word. "YOU AND BABY GIRL, STAY WITH ME! STAY WITH ME, ARASSEO?! AND TELL ME TO STAY WITH YOU!"

"IF I DO THAT, WOULD YOU REALLY STAY?" I shouted just as loudly as he did, my voice surely echoing across the house. But I knew that my parents and siblings already left this place, giving us our much needed privacy as a couple.

"IF I ASK YOU TO SAY, I'D MEAN STAY ONLY FOR ME AND OUR CHILD! I'D MEAN DROP EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE ELSE AND JUST BE WITH ME! CAN YOU DO THAT?"

I really didn't want to make my demands known. The provisions I said, they were a sign of hope. I didn't want to hope, or to look forward to another option. There was no other option but to separate ways. But now it was already too late, because Jiyong now understood what I said.

"Youngbae said you were about to turn your back on all of this... Seoul... Big Bang... your family," I calmly muttered, trying to divert the attention from my selfish demands. "Had Kiko accepted your proposal back in January, would G-dragon have left everything behind?"

We looked at each other so deeply, and there were tears in our eyes. It took Jiyong a long time to answer, but in fact, I already knew the answer. It's an answer that already hurt me.

"Yes, I would have," he admitted. As expected, those four words crushed my heart.

I chuckled slightly and said, "You two have this very obsessive and enviable kind of love. It's a really powerful love."

"And it's one that's difficult to let go," he answered, looking straight into my eyes. This removed the grin off my face.

"Maybe even one you can never let go, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you say you would," I replied, looking back at him with an even darker gaze than he gave me. Not that he ever said he would let go of her. I punished myself more, because I just realized I casually gave another of my demands again.

Silence followed us again. For a couple of minutes, we stayed in that same spot, just looking at each other's eyes. He still held on my two hands, and all four of our hands were rested on my lap. He was still knelt down. Finally, I saw him lean forward to kiss my baby bump again. His shoulders shook so violently while his face rested on baby girl's home. I also just cried watching him cry there. Why are you crying Jiyong? Are you crying for me? I stopped myself from hoping, but everything that he was doing was making me hang so patiently on a thin thread.

"How can we fix this?" he looked up and asked tearfully. "I know that we can still fix this, just tell me how. I don't want baby girl to go anywhere but here beside me. I want to be with you, and all three of us have to be together, always."

"There's only one heart Jiyong, and it only beats for one person. Tell me that's not true and I'll tell you we can still fix this."

He just crooked his forehead and squinted his eyes, as if fighting the tears. I found myself unable to bear the sight of his tears, so I forced my hands out of his grip and wiped his face. I wiped all of the tears away. While I cupped his face, he held on my wrists and closed his eyes, feeling my hand on him. He even kissed my two hands. It felt so good to touch him like this, to hold him like this.

"The only way we can ever have a real relationship is if you learn to let go. Don't look back. Don't hold on to the past. Let go of Kiko while I let go of Leeteuk. It's the only way we can ever look ahead. Can you do that?"

Please don’t say another word that’s going to break me.

Even with that question, with that yet one more known demand, Jiyong's eyes remained close, and his face remained rested on my hand. It took too long. Even though I knew the answer would hurt me, somehow the time he took to answer hurt even more. The only expectation to avoid any pain was for his quick answer of "Yes." But of course, that did not happen, leaving me with so much pain. I let his face go, forcing him to open his eyes. He didn't allow me to let go. He grabbed my one wrist almost too painfully, then used his other hand to cup the back of my neck.

Kwon Jiyong pushed my face forward so that I could lean closer to his face. Then he kissed me.

That kiss was the last thing I wanted to happen at this time, yet it was also the only thing I truly longed for. It woke up all the feelings of love, longing, desire, passion, forgiveness, happiness. I felt him struggle from kneeling down that he lifted his body a little so that our faces were leveled, so that our kiss would be easier. Whatever position he took, it made it all easier, because he gave so much more passion in that kiss.

As I felt the sweetness of his mouth, the warmth of his lips, the wetness of his tongue, I found myself kissing back ever so hardly, ever so thirstily, as if that kiss gave me life. Because it did. The kiss, it took all the pains away. The kiss, it made all the hurting invisible. The kiss, it gave me so much strength, so much hope, so much relief, so much comfort.

The kiss was everything I ever hoped for.

We kissed so passionately for a long time. I even closed my eyes, turned my head, as he did the same. He savored my tongue as if it was his, and he owned my mouth so hungrily. Then it ended. And when it ended, we found ourselves still closing our eyes, foreheads on each other. He never let go of his hold on my head, and we caught our breaths on each other's face.

"Don't kiss me like that," I breathlessly uttered, still closing my eyes on him.

"I don't want to make promises. You don't want me to make any promise. But I'm asking you stay with me Kim Taeyeon, and we'll work through our marriage together," his voice made me open my eyes. I leaned back to let go of his forehead, yet his hands stayed rested on my neck. He looked at me with so much begging, so much longing too, that my stomach was yearning with that unnecessary empty hope. "I'll work on my shortcomings. I'll undo the things I did to you. I'll give you all of me, every part, every bit. But just give me time. All I ask is a little bit of time."

The empty hope was growing so big. The best answer would have been Yes, and the worst and most painful would have been No. But he answered neither. Instead, he provided me empty hope, almost a promise, a compromise. I felt so weak in the knees to be given that kind of hope. Then, there was the kiss too. I was hanging on so much to that thin thread, setting myself for yet another heartache. I didn't want to gamble my heart anymore. Not when I was six and a half months pregnant. I was speechless for the next minutes, until I felt myself reaching the apex of weariness.

"I'm so tired Jiyong. C-can I just sleep now?" became my response.

This shocked him a little, but I was sure my tiredness, my weariness, was very visible to him. The conversation was not over. We didn't answer each other's question straightforwardly, yet I had no more energy to continue. It was already 1am, and I had been crying and suffering all day long.

I've reached the limit, and Jiyong could see that.

"O-okay."

The next minute, I lay down on the bed and covered myself under the sheets, turning my back on him. I didn't want him to leave. Not yet. Like I said, our hearty and honest conversation as a couple wasn't over. I just needed to lie down and get a break.

"Can I stay?" I heard him ask. Great. He didn't want to leave either. I didn't speak, and was glad that my silence was interpreted as a permission.

I felt him lie down beside me, also covering himself with the comforter. Slowly, he put his arm on top of my body, and inserted his other arm under me, so that he was fully embracing me from my back. He rested his hand on baby girl, and his mouth kissed the back of my neck.

"I'm sorry baby," he whispered to me, the air from his mouth making the hairs in my body shiver. "I never wanted to hurt you."

That made me tear up once more. All I wanted was to turn my back and face him, then kiss him, maybe give him myself again. He kissed my neck and shoulder again, and tightened his embrace on my body.

"All I wanted was to give you the world. To give you everything. To give you myself," he confessed, making my tears fall more angrily.

I was silently crying, believing every word he said, even if it was so against my decision not to fight for him. Not fighting for him meant not hoping we could ever be, yet here I was, being helplessly bought by his sweet words.

"I'm a work in progress, Taeyeon. I know that I'll get there eventually. Just please bear with me through the process. Can you do that?" he asked, kissing my skin again, this time much longer, much warmer.

"Kwon Jiyong..." I uttered, stopping myself the moment I did. But my emotions, my heart, they already overpowered anything else. The next words I said were a confession of that one feeling that caused me all this pain.

"I love you. I don't know how it happened, it just did. I love you so much. I hope you know that," I said tearfully, my eyes wetting every bit of my pillow. I said all these words without meeting his eyes, and in fact, not looking at him made me say it easily.

He was still and silent after my confession, that I found myself turning my head around to meet his eyes. I hated myself for doing so. I hated that I told him I loved him, I hated that I turned around to look at him, I hated that I longed for his response, for his acceptance. Telling him of my heart was another unintended demand. Of all the provisions I consciously laid out today, the confession of my love marked my answer to the war. It was a sign of fighting for him, which I earlier decided not to do. Because fighting for him was tiring. Fighting for his love would drain me. I already decided not to fight, so why did I tell him I loved him?

The next thing I knew, he leaned forward to kiss me again. We kissed, as we lay down like this. I was at such a sensitive moment, a vulnerable state, that I knew that kiss on that bed would lead to something. Something that shouldn't happen, otherwise I would open myself up for another pain. When I felt him help me turn my heavy body around, when his kiss travelled from ny lips, to my neck, and my chest, when I felt his hands slide inside my night gown, I knew that we were already doing the very last thing that would help me.

"I c-can't do it. I just c-can't," I muttered weakly, pushing him. He stopped kissing me, stopped holding me, then froze on top of me. He looked at me in the darkness of the night "I don't want us to do this when everything's plain ed up. I can't give you myself again, because that just makes me hope again, hurt again."

I was proud of myself for being able to say that, for having the courage to stop anything from happening forward. Jiyong nodded and laid flat on the space beside me.

"I understand," he said, embracing me closer again. "Just rest and sleep now honey."

I nodded. This time, I turned around to face him, and he tucked me in his chest. I closed my eyes, ready to sleep in his arm like that.

"We'll figure something out, but don't ever sign your name on the divorce papers. Please don't give up on us yet. Just give me time... to figure things out..."

I did not respond. Instead, I just buried my face on his chest, letting his warmth provide me relief. He enveloped my whole body so tightly, even kissing the top of my head.

"Mom... promise me that..." he begged of me, and I still chose to keep quiet. But he wouldn't let it go. "Answer me Taeyeon."

"I'm really tired. Can we just rest? Baby girl really wants to sleep..."

I was done for the day. Done crying. Done hurting. Done talking. Though we still had a lot of things to talk about, a lot of things to decide on, I had no ounce of energy left for this day. I just wanted to keep my eyes closed and surrender to sleep, resting in his arms, smelling him, feeling him, loving him.

I felt him lift his body up, only to kiss our baby girl. In my stomach, he muttered, "I love you baby."

Even if I knew that those words were only for our unborn child, I still couldn't help but feel a sense of security hearing him say it. There was a part of me that dreamed for that day to come, and he'd say those words to me. He came back to lie down beside me, and locked me in his arms again. In return, I found myself locking his body in my arms too.

"Good night honey," he whispered, kissing my lips gently.

That night, we slept on that bed peacefully, like a husband and a wife would. If only we could stay that way forever.

~*~

The music was hurting my chest, thumping so strongly, until I felt difficulty breathing. My ears was bleeding too from the overbearing club music. Yet I couldn't get out. I liked the pain the sound was bringing me. I continued dancing to it, getting lost in it, letting myself drown in the intoxicating smell of alcohol, sweat, smoke, and illegal substances. Even if this world wasn't my world, I allowed myself to be the stranger who gave it her all in this strange place.

Because tonight, my heart was aching so bad. My mind would soon go crazy.

"So why are you here? Do you have any love troubles?" the man I was dancing with shouted in my ears, holding my waist as we both grooved to the Hiphop music.

"Love? Aish! That word, it's burdensome. The word alone means trouble!" I shouted back, laughing at him. I could smell the nicotine from his mouth. Normally, I would be disgusted, but there was a certain quality to him that made him irresistible. Oh God, I'm really drunk. "Since you're bugging me, I should bug you back! What are you doing here?

"Same!"

"So we're both here, drunk and wasted, because we're broken-hearted?!"

He laughed out so loud, pulling me closer to him just as the dance floor suddenly got more crowded with the influx of newcomers in this foreign planet called Noise Basement Club.

"Damn, that's cheesy, eh?" he joked, shouting in between his laughter.

"CHEESY AS !" I shouted back. Uh-oh. I was now saying bad words, which could only mean I was already fully intoxicated to the point that I forgot why I was here in this club in the first place.

Oh yeah. It's because Leeteuk, the on-again and off-again boyfriend I've waited for, just snapped at me yesterday.

"I can't love you right now Kim Taeyeon! There's nothing left in here! I'm empty, and I'm in so much pain that I just want to die. Can't you see that? So don't ask me where we stand. We stand nowhere, because there's nothing I can give you at this time."

I remembered how he pushed me away, how he clarified that there was nothing between us, after his family just died. My world crashed and burned. I felt my heart in pieces, because I was ready to give Park Jungsu my future. I was ready to promise him all of me. I was ready to give him my hand. But now he was in such a bad place.

"Drink one more?" my company offered as we headed for the table.

"One more!"

We both took a shot of that strong and special drink, and I felt its heat coat my throat, down to my chest, then my stomach.

"Christ. I've never had this much to drink before! My mom's going to kill me!" I cried out, but he just offered me one more shot, which I took.

"You can be a bad girl some time," he teased, pouring himself another kind of drink. His looked enticing, stronger.

"Can I taste that?"

"You're funny babe. You're overeager to binge-drink. I can tell it's your first time, because first time binge-drinkers are always excited. Is this your first time? Are you a partygoer?"

"What? ? Yah, that's personal! But no, I'm not a ," I answered, taking his special alcohol from him and drinking from the bottle itself.