~*~

"How was Prague? I saw all the photos, and you both looked like you enjoyed it! Taeyeon especially loved shopping, huh?" Kwon umma teased cheerfully on the other end of the line.

Jiyong and I just touched down Seoul, and were now in Jiyong's white Lamborghini that was brought to Incheon by his staff. Immediately as we drove home, Jiyong called his mother. Seoul was busy as usual at 12pm.

"It was very enjoyable. Jiyong definitely took care of me. I bought a lot of souvenirs for you and Kwon appa," I happily shared to Jiyong's mom, talking over his phone while Kwon umma's voice boomed over the car stereo. "Belated Happy Mother's Day Kwon umma!"

"Same to you too, Taeyeon."

"Eh? Me?"

"Dear, you are already a mother. You're responsible for a life other than yours, and that's what a mother is. Yah son, did you prepare something for our Taeyeon on Mother's Day?"

Jiyong and I looked at each other, and I felt myself blush. I never realized or even remotely considered that I was already a mother.  

"Thank you Kwon umma. But of course, Jiyong surprised me with a romantic dinner that day," I answered her, not lying at all. It was definitely in time for Mother's Day when Jiyong paid a €5,000 dinner for us in Prague.

"That's great! Alright, you both go straight to your Aunt Choi's hospital. She's dying to check on you and our baby Kwon."

"Alright mom. Love you and miss you, mwah!" Jiyong cutely expressed. This was a new side of his that I witnessed. By now, I could definitely conclude that Kwon Jiyong was a mama's boy.

"See you later Kwon umma, baby girl and I miss you," I also expressed very fondly.

I have grown to be very affectionate to her and the whole Kwon family. It was funny, because I was the least expressive person I knew, and I didn't get well easily with new people. But since my pregnancy, I've developed sympathy, empathy, and affection for others. What did you do to my ice-coldness, baby girl?

"Happy Mother's Day," Jiyong suddenly greeted, and this only caused me to blush further.

"Th-thanks. It seems I don't deserve to celebrate that day yet," I admitted, my face very much heated up.

"I think you're going to be a great mom. I'm also thankful that you're the mother of my first-born," he answered so casually while making a U-turn to head for the hospital on the other side of the street. I was glad he was not facing me when he said that, because I couldn't control the way I reddened crazily. I couldn't get used to people considering me a mother.

"Belated Happy Parents' Day to you too," was all I could say.

"Parents' day came and went and we didn't even celebrate, huh?" he muttered, now relaxed again as we entered the entrance of the open parking lot.

"To be fair, if I take away the first half of the week from the picture, it was a pretty enjoyable honeymoon. You're not too bad as a company, Mr. Kwon Jiyong."

"You, too, Mrs. Kwon Jiyong."

There was a certain high in hearing the phrase Mrs. Kwon Jiyong -- a high I would continue ignoring for a very long time. The last four days in Prague became really enjoyable. We toured, took photos, shopped more, ate more, and didn't fight once. He didn't bring up our make-out session, and I didn't have the nerve or even the funny bone to bring it up. Because of our awkwardness to such event, neither of us also brought up his Tokyo rendezvous with Kiko. Everything about her would just remind us of our wild that night. So we co-existed in peace, we discovered Prague together, we enjoyed our honeymoon, when we ignored the issue.

But with such bliss came a very huge price.

"Taeyeon, what's going on?" my aunt, Dr. Choi Jiwoo, asked me rather condescendingly when she re-entered her clinic.

She was holding a thick set of laboratory papers, and she read it closely as she walked towards us and sat beside the ultrasound machine. Her nose was buried on the papers, and behind her focal glasses, I could see that her forehead was crooked with shock.

"What is it? Why auntie?"

"Is everything alright with her?" Jiyong asked.

"Your potassium level is still low, protein level is slumped severely low, your iron is dangerously low," she read out the results, and she mentioned more results of my other minerals that I didn't understand. "You've lost eight pounds in four weeks, and your BMI is under the healthy number for a pregnant woman going to the second trimester. With these new stats, you've aged at least ten years since last month. This is not good!"

"What?! Is she alright? How about our baby?" Jiyong very worriedly inquired.

Aunt Choi began to check on my stomach, and I felt a little awkward that Jiyong saw my bare abdomen. We avoided each other's gazes the entire time. But just then, I heard that magical heartbeat live again, and this caused us to look at each other with smiling faces. He was clearly excited to have experienced this moment the first time.

"It's a miracle that our little angel is fighting and is very much alive. My God, this is preposterous!" Aunt Choi dramatically answered him, handing us the lab results for the first time. She looked at us both and continued, "I can't even fathom to believe that this three-month old life is hanging in there when she's living in such an unhealthy environment."

I bowed my head low and began to fiddle with my fingers at the back of my head. I was totally expecting these results. I have already heard them before, but not from Aunt Choi. I just thought five days were enough to recover from my malnourishment. I was dreading this doctor's appointment, because there was always that possibility that my auntie would still see the traces of my unhealthiness in the last four weeks.

"What can we do to make it better doc?" Jiyong asked.

How I wished he did not come with me. I dreaded the next things my aunt would say. When she wrapped up the ultrasound, I covered my stomach and got up to be leveled with them. She reviewed another set of documents, and then...

"Mr. Kwon, aren't you taking care of my niece? My God, this is upsetting. Her blood count is bordering malnourished," she explained. Uh-oh, stop right there auntie. I hope she didn't find it out... "Her iron is -- oh God -- you are giving me a heart attack Kim Taeyeon! Have you been bleeding?"

Busted. . I just avoided looking at either of them, but that was a stupid move, because there was no escape.

"Taeyeon... d-did you ever bleed again?" Jiyong asked me, and the way he towered over me with arms crossed made him appear intimidating. Scary.

"Kim Taeyeon? Don't you dare lie to your aunt. Have. You. Been. Bleeding?!" Dr. Choi very angrily asked me.

I couldn't hide it anymore, and so I answered, "Th-three times s-since... my last b-bleeding."

"WHAT?!" my two companies shrieked in chorus.

Aunt Choi stood up and approached her computer to type in the doctor's notes for the patient's condition. While typing with a frowning face, she demanded, "When and why? Tell me each occasion specifically, and give me all the details."

I saw Jiyong catch his forehead, then he turned around from me. He was really scaring me now. I was already expecting his anger, his litany, his loud and booming voice. I dreaded the conversation that would follow this appointment, and I dreaded even more when my auntie shared these results to my parents.

"The first one was two weeks ago... in Japan... one day after we watched a SNSD concert..."

I recalled that night when I first saw blood on my underwear. I cried the whole night. It was after I saw Jiyong and Kiko ing live. I also recalled the intense fear that covered me that night, and I also remembered how my tears nearly dried out as I cried for two things -- the words I heard Jiyong said about me -- and the fear that I just lost the only good thing in my life.

"...it was just a spotting, but I felt a slight pain when it came out. The second time was more than a week ago... here in Seoul... on the night of our wedding..."

Again, I recalled another emotional moment when I saw a pool of red fluid on the toilet. I fell on the floor that night, and vomited from the sight of blood. It was another excruciating event for me. While the rude threats and words from Jiyong's friends echoed in my head, I also worried for the survival of my baby girl.

"...I bled so much that night, and my pee had blood in it for a couple of days. And the last time was five days ago... in Prague... on the second night of our honeymoon..."

Baby girl scared me again that night, because I thought she gave up on me. It was the same day when I read about the talks of Jiyong's rendezvous with his girlfriend. I remembered reading Nate posts in my tablet when I felt the first painful burst of the blood.

"...it was the most painful and the strongest, but it didn't linger in my pee. I haven't bled since."

"What's happening in these instances that caused you to bleed? Were you stressed? Physically, emotionally or even mentally? Did you skip meals, or your vitamins or your supplements? Did you lack sleep, relaxation and peace of mind?!" Dr. Choi inquired in great detail.

"I've been... d-depressed... a little..." I admitted. There was no use lying to my obstetrician and say everything was fine when it clearly wasn't.

"Why didn't you say anything to anyone?! That was reckless Taeyeon!" Kwon Jiyong exclaimed from my side, and I could tell he was holding his anger.

"I'm sorry. I'm just--"

"This has got to stop right now. Whatever's happening between the two of you, drop it all and focus on your child," my aunt stood up from her stool and came in between us. "I'm speaking both as your obstetrician and your aunt. You two are now parents, and the first priority should be this kid."

She crossed her arm and faced Jiyong. With a raised eyebrow, she said, "Mr. Kwon, do you realize that whatever's happening that's causing all my niece's stress can potentially kill my grandchild?!"

"I'm sorry Dr. Choi. I'm... I didn't realize that Taeyeon's been stressed. I deeply apologize," Jiyong answered sincerely, bowing consecutively at my aunt. It was clear as day that she was updated with the latest tabloid news. How else could she have deduced that something was going on?

"Don't apologize to me. Apologize to my granddaughter, who's not having a very good developmental experience right now," she answered patiently. This time, she faced me, and she wore a more disappointed expression. "Kim Taeyeon, you do realize you're a mother now who's responsible for another life, right? Anything you do to yourself, you do to your child! If you don't eat, you starve her. If you don't sleep, you tire her. If you don't relax, you stress her. If you get depressed, you are slowly killing her! And yes, your husband was right. Not telling anyone you've been bleeding was RECKLESS, even stupid!"

I took all the words she told me, and appreciated that such elder was telling me things I needed to hear. I held on my belly, and said a silent prayer that she was still there. My baby girl. Thank you for staying. I collected myself and chose not to say anything back, because both Jiyong and my aunt were completely emotional about this.

"Your cervix is now half-opened with all this bleeding. I hate to scare the two of you, but another bleeding might scrape your uterus off of all the life in it. You can't afford another drop of blood coming out of you."

The good doctor now headed back to her chair and typed in more notes on her computer. Meanwhile, Jiyong just sat beside me, his head massaging his temple. I could tell that he was angry, thinking deeply, and soon will explode.

While typing, aunt Choi said, "You two are being totally irresponsible about this. With my patients' well-being in mind, I will alert your families so that mommy and baby girl can get all the help they can get. The next time we meet, I want these lab results to be for a healthy 26-year old pregnant woman, and not a 36-year old depressed mother-to-be."

She then printed her notes, possibly her prescriptions, and handed them to Jiyong. I stood up from the chair, and Jiyong assisted me. He answered, "Yes, doc. I promise we'll become better and more responsible about this pregnancy. Please tell us what we can do, and we'll do it all. I just... I want my child to be healthy..."

My aunt began to give us healthy pointers one by one, from my diet, to my exercise, to the other medicinal supplements and physical activities that would help me get better. She also suggested that I watched happy movies, listen to songs that made me happy, meet and talk with the people that make me happy, and to avoid people who make me sad.

"I am also referring you to Dr. Han Gain for a regular therapy. I will order at least ten weekly sessions for you. Depression during pregnancy is extremely dangerous. You need to see a specialist, Taeyeon. Please listen to auntie, because I only want what's best for you and your child, okay?"

Leaving that room prescribed with an anti-depression therapy made me even more depressed. The doctor's packet said only 18% of pregnant women became depressed. So I was a part of the minority? Not only did the therapy sessions scared me, Jiyong did, too. I expected him to begin his litany when he slammed the car door so heavily and so strongly on me. I expected him to drive in the speed of light, but he didn't, maybe because of my condition. I expected him to confront me, reprimand me, but we already passed by three major intersections, and he stayed mum. I was silently thankful, because I just didn't have the energy or the will to fight with him. I was too busy worrying about baby girl, and silently saying my prayers that she was still with me.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" he began to talk. I was a little shocked because my mind already wandered far. We were ten minutes away from home, and I already expected his silent treatment to last.

"It was very stupid. You could have lost her, and it's not like this has never happened before," he was calm at first, but that was only temporary. "God Taeyeon, you need to tell me everything, especially things considering our child!"

I had no words to respond to this. Even though I had been expecting this angry litany, I guess I still expected him to take even the littlest responsibility as to why baby girl kept wanting to come out. Unexpectedly, his angered voice also angered me. But I stopped myself.

"Three times. Three ing times! You bled that many times and didn't even think she must have been swimming in the toilet already?! You can't keep these things to yourself! How stupid was that, Taeyeon? It was a very ing goddamn stupid decision on your part!" he exclaimed so emotionally.

By now, he was becoming unstoppable. He continued to say words, insulting ones, that reminded me over and over how stupid I was, how reckless I was. The words bounced off my ear, and I didn't have the energy to answer back. Not in the car. Not when I couldn't move. Not when I couldn't turn my back and walk away. He kept talking angrily until we pulled over the apartment parking lot. Thankfully, he was temporarily shut up when we walked the public hallways and elevator to his unit. But once inside the safety and security of his home, he resumed his very loud and very angry exclamations

"I already told you to stop wallowing in your depression! Why are you still stressing yourself out? I'm working so hard to give you such a comfortable life. I'm giving you everything, providing you everything. Every single member of our family's doing their best to make things easy for you. And you even told me to back off? Well clearly, you're too irresponsible to be left on your own!"

The fact that he believed himself to be the only responsible one of us two made me fume. His last set of words pushed just the right button. I was set off. It required every single nerve and every ounce of patience in my whole living being not to slap him right then and there. For every time we fought, I never gave in to the evil of physically attacking him. Somehow, I disappointed myself that I didn't have the nerve to do so. So I didn't hurt him, and instead just turned my back to go to my room, bringing my Gucci purse with me.

"Yah Kim Taeyeon, I'm talking to you! Don't just turn your back on me, goddmanit!" he screamed after me, but I immediately shut the door on his face.

He kept shouting hurtful and insensitive statements from outside. Inside, I dug on my bag to obtain the very thing I'd use to shut him up. It frustrated me that the garbage in my purse prevented me from pulling out the pieces of papers that would made Kwon Jiyong shut the f*uck up. Fortunately, just as he shouted the words stupid and irresponsible for the umpeenth time, I have found the documents I was looking for.

"Kim Taeyeon open this ing door--"

"I'm stupid, I'm irresponsible, I'm the worst mother in the whole world!" I quickly shouted on his face the moment I opened the door. "I already know that, so you don't have to remind me over and over again!"

"That's not what I'm saying!" he shouted back just as loud, but I only threw the stack of papers on his face.

"What's this?" he wondered, catching some, and picking some up from the floor.

"Every single time I bled, I went to a hospital to get her checked. I couldn't go to my aunt, because I was afraid she'd tell my parents, or your parents, and I don't want them to worry