~*~

Eventually, I closed my eyes. Shoot. Don't close your eyes!

But I couldn't help it. Though I was internally killing myself for doing so, the moment just called for my eyes to shut down. My heart that once dropped, then raced for each beat, finally relaxed and reached the correct tempo. Kwon Jiyong was very much powerful on that kiss, pressing on the sides of my neck ardently, and then moving his lips on mine so... passionately. Until I wasn't pushing or pulling on the rationale anymore. I just gave in that kiss, my two hands holding his two wrists, because I was so shocked earlier. My hands stayed there.

Our lips parted a little bit, and that made me open my eyes. It didn't end then, because he only gave us seconds to grasp for air, then he tilted his head to the other side to kiss me another way. That's when I didn't close my eyes anymore. Why was he so engrossed on the kiss? It had already been more than ten seconds, and we were still doing it. Although his mouth tasted... sweet (?), it didn't feel... right. That was probably the second time we kissed. Lord I wasn't even sure. Who knew how much we kissed on the night we conceived our child?

Then, it ended. On that second round, my eyes remained open from shock. So when he parted our mouths, he saw me looking ghastly, as if I was electrocuted. My hands remained on his, while his remained on my neck. He let my neck go, so I let him go too. But I searched for his gaze with the billion dollar question --- why the kiss?

"Don't act so surprised. The world is watching," he muttered through gritted teeth that I almost did not understand him.

"Wh-what?"

He was smiling, too, as he said it. It added to my confusion. One minute ago, we were shouting madly at each other. The next minute, we were kissing like lovers did. And the next second, he was smiling like a lovesick fool. Something wasn't adding up. I was still disabled from that kiss, and his tongue left such a taste in my mouth. Sweet. Very nice. But confusing.

"Smile Miss Kim, and just hold my hands," again, he spoke even if his mouth didn't move. Suddenly, he took my hand and pulled me close to his body so that my face was buried in his chest. He positioned his face on my shoulder, and now his mouth was so near my ears. He whispered, "Now be cordial and greet the public with a smile. Don't resist my advances, arasseo?"

Now things finally added up. I moved my head a little so I can see what was behind him. When I did, I saw tens of people holding up their phones from at least ten meters away. More people were looming closer. Turned out we were being watched by the public, composed of elders, teens, and kids altogether. Jiyong turned us around, and acted so surprised at the sight of the public. He started bowing to the people in the area, smiling and cheerfully greeting all of them.

"Hi Taeyeon unnie."

"Hyung, daebak! Take care of noona."

"Aigoo, what a cute couple."

"Be healthy Taeyeon."

"Oppa! I love you oppa!"

When the public knew that we have now seen them, they threw all their cheers and greetings one by one, until we were drowning in it. Jiyong took my hand and dragged us away from the riverside. On normal days, I would have expected the teenagers and young adults to mob us, especially with G-dragon on my side. But I saw how Jiyong worked his power, holding me so carefully, and politely asking the crowd to give way for his pregnant fiancé. The crowd allowed us room, and he endlessly thanked them. Nobody mobbed us, nobody attacked us, and everybody cheered for us. Good luck, good health, happiness, good life, I heard all sorts of positive greetings, and again I was very surprised. It almost seemed as if I wasn't in South Korea, the same land where people called me a , or G-dragon a .

We reached the place where I parked my dad's car, and even there, people have gotten wind that the couple in plain and casual clothing was actually the nation's disgrace, Kwon Jiyong and Kim Taeyeon. Occasionally, there were negative words thrown out at us, but they were overpowered by the encouragements. I was about to walk towards the driver's side, when Jiyong led me to the passenger side.

"I'll drive, and you can't fight me. There are about a hundred cameras watching us enter this car, so you will be a passenger, arasseo?" he dictated with such a happy smile that people from afar would think he was assisting his fiancé with so much love.

Of course I couldn't fight because of the flashes and cheers surrounding us. He opened the door for me, and like a caring boyfriend, assisted me in entering the car. I bet if he could lift me up, he would have. He put on my seatbelt for me, then muttered, "Now say goodbye to everyone."

With so much awkwardness, I bowed my head repeatedly and waved farewell to the looking public. I forced a smile, but it was the least genuine I could mutter. I felt foolish acting as if we were Prince William and Princess Catherine traveling in Seoul. Jiyong now pulled over and successfully drove away from the river park. Finally, I could remove that fake smile that only hurt my facial muscles. I also realized I had been holding my breath, and working my torso muscles, all this time. I felt myself relax, and tremendous relief covered me.

With so much expectations from the public, so much lavish wedding preparations, it only seemed the last thing I could ever do was turn my back on this marriage.

"I think it's time for you to read the media management plans," he said after a while of silence.

"Kissing in public, holding hands in public, hugging in public, dating in public. Are these all part of your proposals to SM?" I asked bitterly.

I just realized that I was a little disappointed that the kiss earlier was a decoy. That really pissed me off. It was very difficult to fight, be so all-out angry, only to be shut up with such a powerful kiss. If we were going to marry, I would be so upset at him all the time for all his pretentious acts, but every time someone approached, he'd plant a decoy that would distract me, confuse me, anger me more! A kiss. A hug. A hold. Friendship. Dates. Vacations. The thought alone made me so mad.

"So when you offered to bring me to the Love & Peace concert, when you walked with me and held my hand through the crowd, when you lifted me because you were excited to hear the baby's first heartbeat, those were all part of the media management plans?" I followed up in my question.

Everything came back to me. All his kindness, his gentleness, his generosity, they all slapped me in the face again. I was fuming mad that I ever let myself believe that Kwon Jiyong was really decent and kind. He was not. He was responsible, only to the point of following through what YG's media plans dictated. He didn't answer my questions, and my blood boiled hotter, and I was so upset that I was once more in an awkward position to slap him. I wanted to push him, slap him, hit him, just physically hurt him!

I'm so ing angry, God help me! ! ! !

"What's the point, Jiyong? Explain to me the whole point," I demanded with eyes closed, controlling all the urge to hurt him. I was losing air from the pent up emotions.

"The point is we need to erase the public's thoughts that Kim Taeyeon is a , or that Kwon Jiyong is a , or that our first child was conceived because of her parents' premarital ion. It all boils down to the kind of world we'd want her to live in, of the kind of words she'd hear about her parents. That's the point. It's all about our child."

"God, don't even mention our child!" I screamed in frustration. We were fighting again, shouting at each other again, so mad again.

"The point is you want to make a good impression on the whole world, clean your name, appear responsible and perfect and romantic and charming. The point is you're using me and my child to advance your plans of restoring G-dragon's image! Do you even really love this unborn kid, or are you just so concerned about your fame and money?? ! I don't think I can ever trust you again. Every single thing you do for me and her has a hidden agenda!"

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk.

Honk! Honk! Honk!

I screamed out of fear and shock, because he pressed on the brake so hard that we hit a hard halt. The cars behind us honked angrily, and soon they all overtook us. Kwon Jiyong just stopped on the middle of the busy highway. I looked at him in disbelief and saw that he was just as angry as I was.

"You can always doubt my kindness to you. But please never question my love for our child," he said those words so darkly, so lowly, that I read through all his anger and sincerity. Whether it was acting or not, it was believable.

I chose not to respond, because such a low and normal-toned voice was enough to shut me up. It was much scarier than his shouting voice, or my shouting voice. Not to mention he stopped on the road, which meant his anger was enough to put our lives in danger, which was obviously something he was against. He resumed driving, and we were coated in silence for the next minutes. Until I felt myself worked up again.

This fight wasn't over. It was far from it. I felt my lips, I tasted his mouth on my lips, and I was reminded once more of how swept away I had been in the last three weeks because of Kwon Jiyong's perfection. I have now realized that my anger was more so for myself, because I deluded myself into thinking there was a Prince Charming. It shouldn't be G-dragon's fault that Taeyeon was so gullible, right? He didn't declare he was a Prince Charming, I was the one who thought of him as such.

"Don't ever kiss me again, in public or in private," I spoke again in a calmer tone. I trusted that after driving in silence for ten minutes, we have now calmed down.

"I have no intention whatsoever to kiss you in private, don't worry about that," he answered, also in a normal and calmer voice.

"So what else is there? Give me the nutshell now. What sudden move should I expect, huh? Just so you won't throw me off guard by kissing me like that in public."

I was looking at the window, but I knew that he looked at me after I asked that question. I noticed that we just passed by his parent's house in Itaewon. Was he bringing us back to his apartment?

"There's the wedding kisses. The reception kisses. Then our honeymoon in Prague with a lot of public hugs and kisses--"

"Excuse me? A honeymoon in Prague?!" I cut him off, surprised that there was also a honeymoon in the works.

"Your parents said that was your most favorite place in the world. So yes, we'll go on a honeymoon in Prague. We have to make it believable. It's Europe, people kiss in public all the time."

Way to tarnish the most beautiful city I've visited. Mom, dad, just why did you have to volunteer that very personal information?!

"And after the fake honeymoon?"

"The world will be watching our public outings, like doctor's appointments, shopping, strolling, eating, so we need to appear close and happy. We need to make our Instagram and Twitter posts, selfies, updates believable, and together."

"We'll release a wedding album on June, all proceeds to Sewol relief efforts. I'll release guerilla songs for free via Soundcloud, all about you, our child, our family. We'll post home videos together in our couple YouTube account, chronicling your pregnancy and our married life. We have to do them all until end of this year."

A Jiyong-Taeyeon TV? Duet songs? Wow. Just wow. YG definitely thought this through. The rehabilitation plans were full-force, and to think that SM's machinery would support those plans, I shuddered just thinking about all the faking and lying and pretending and projecting we'd do. After all, that was SM Town's motto: Lie. Project. Act.

"I can't believe this," was all I could react to everything he said. I shook my head in disbelief.

"The point is we have to sell this marriage, this family, this love, to the public. Yes, it'll restore my name. And it would yours, too," he defensively explained, because he probably noticed that I was making those disapproving faces.

"When they see us happy, your fans would feel less pain. They would know that the sacrifice you made by leaving SNSD was worth it, because you're happy. Your members would feel less pity for you. They could move on without a heavy heart, because they would see you are in a better place. So be happy, Taeyeon. Pretend that you're happy so that the members and fans could move on without worrying about you."

For the first time since we calmed down, I looked at him again. When our eyes met, he told me, "That's the whole point, Taeyeon. And it's a goddamn worthy one."

"It's unfair, isn't it?" I answered with a question. I have now reached a limit that I couldn't hold off this thought anymore. "SNSD's hurting. My Sones are hurting. I'm hurting. Why are you almost scathe free?"

With that, Jiyong looked at me once more, and this time he was the one in shock. I looked back at the road, carefully choosing my words. I wanted to ensure that I would express this thought in the best way possible. It was a thought that was a product of my resentment. I was so resentful. Bitter. This also added to my strong anger for Kwon Jiyong. Now I was angry at everything. Myself. Jiyong. The public. The situation. The society. I was very very resentful, and I couldn't keep it any longer.

"When I said you had it more difficult as a male idol, I was wrong. Your life moves on, while mine would stop from here on. I had to leave my group, while you're still in Big Bang. I had to terminate my contract, while you're still in YG. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't perform, while you can release albums after albums after albums like nothing happened."

I felt the car slowly reach a stop, and looking around, I saw that Jiyong made a turn for the alley. He stopped the car in a corner street, and I knew that our calm phase was long gone. We would fight and shout and be mad again. I was ready.

"Leeteuk ran far away from me, and he can't forgive me. Meanwhile, you and Kiko already had tons of make-up . Why is it so unfair, Jiyong? Why is the society so much harder on me than it is on you?" I asked him very bitterly.

I wasn't crying, as expected. I was emotional, but I channelled it throughout anger. Gone were the days when my hormones caused me to cry. Now, my hormones caused me extreme rage and bitterness so that I was picking a fight with him every damn time. People always said pregnant woman would always pick on someone during pregnancy -- whether to be affectionate to, or irritated with. I picked Kwon Jiyong, and it certainly wasn't for affection.

"Even when the baby comes, it'll still be harder for me. Who'd want to see a mother dance and sing in Inkigayo? Who'd want to see a mother go on months-long tours? If I do that, the public would think of me as an irresponsible mother. But you, even when she turns one, or two, you can still hog all the music shows, write songs, record songs, release songs, and go on a year-long tour without having to be tagged an irresponsible parent! It's never gonna be hard for you, Jiyong! My life stops here! My life becomes hard here! My career stops here! There's nothing for me to go back to, so the point of all your media management plan is solely for you and not for me!"

"I know that very well, and that's why I'm taking responsibility of you!" he answered back, also shouting now. Though I started calm, somehow, I managed to end up shouting. "I did this to you, Taeyeon. If not for me, you wouldn't feel the harsh criticisms and expectations of the society. I did this, and I'm taking responsibility!"

His voice boomed across the whole car, and this caused me to be quiet. He looked as if he had a lot to say, and I wanted to hear them. So I allowed him this chance, almost sure that I would call bull on what he'd say.

"You had to leave SNSD and SM, hurt your fans, you can't be on the stage, because you're carrying my child. So I'm sorry if I'm still in Big Bang and YG, if VIPs forgave me, if I can still release albums and be on the stage. I'll do it with a thick face, even if the public persecutes me for it, because I need to do it for the two of us. I need to do it to secure our child's future. I wont apologize for being in a much more secured place in my career compared to you, because that's gonna save us both!"

Kwon Jiyong was much better at expressing himself than I was. For a second, I wished I had his eloquence so that my speech or my arguments could be expressed just as clearly. Did my words earlier leave him the same effect as his did to me? Because even if I was mad, even if I was angry, I couldn't help but be drawn to his litany.

"Do you think I want to go against what Kiko requested of me? Of course not! I don't want to, because I love her, and I hurt her, so I need to unhurt her! But I can't just turn back on you. It's not because I want my name cleaned, or my career saved. I'm with you, taking care of you, because it's all my fault that you're in this position! I care, Taeyeon! I'm a friend. I want to save you from this mess. If it's so hard for you to believe that, tell me what I need to do and I'll do it so you'll believe it!"

Kwon Jiyong had the habit of asking women what they wanted to do and he'd do it. Did that mean he was a great man? I still couldn't tell. Although his words, his explanations, made sense and sounded sincere... I was still conflicted whether to buy it or not. Honestly... I was leaning towards buying it. Crap. You're too fickle-minded Kim Taeyeon.

"Just bring me home. My home, not yours," was all I answered.

I was glad his litany was over, and that he didn't continue anymore. If he had said one more paragraph that made sense, I would have bought the act altogether. He drove again in silence. With our fight, the normally half-hour drive to my apartment lasted about an hour and a half. Then, we reached my building, and that's when we spoke again. At the same time..

"Taeyeon..."

"Kwon Jiyong..."

"Go ahead," he offered.

"If I said hurtful things to you, I'm sorry," I muttered. I had been thinking about it for the rest of the drive. As I was leaning more on believing his explanation, I resorted to apologizing for my y behavior in our last four encounters.

"Look, you're pregnant. You have the license for heightened emotions. Heightened sadness, heightened anger, heightened frustrations, everything. I understand, so don't apologize for it."

"No, you don't get it. I'm saying sorry, because I don't want you to think that I am only backing out because I am angry. I still don't think getting married is a good idea."

He was surprised at my answer. Although I wanted to believe him, the magnitude of the act we would play still scared me. So a large part of me still wanted to runaway from the wedding happening in