~*~

I was ice cold.

Spring has come. The cherry blossoms have began to turn white. And yet, the wind howled, the skies were gloomy, and the air that touched my skin made me shiver up to the bottom of my spine. My back arched, the cold hurting me. I was not prepared for this weather, the thin material of my dress providing the least amount of comfort. Why did it it reach close to freezing temperature when it was already spring time?

How funny. It was exactly as I felt during the crossroads of my life. Spring was season of plants booming, of giving birth, of a new life. I recently turned 25, a quarter of my life has passed. Yet why did it feel as if I was still stuck in this new life, this new season? I was still in the winter cold of my 24th year of existence, the saddest year of my life, the darkest, most depressing moments I've ever lived.

So I cried as I hugged myself. I teared up as I provided myself with warmth, looking at the flowing water of Gumbeong River. The waters looked cold. Should I jump? Wait, what am I even thinking like this? No. Don't jump Taeyeon. If you jump, you're not just killing yourself. Then I remembered why I was even here in a military base, five hours away from Seoul. I cried harder, because I realized why I escaped my schedule and drove down to the suburbs -- to find comfort from the cold that has enveloped me. I had been sad for too long. Hurt for too long. Afraid for too long. Then here I was, hoping to end my misery. Because today, I quested to find answers. To seek help. To beg for the pain to stop. I just needed one answer, and all the loneliness and fear that have long since took command of me would disappear.

The sun was setting. It was now 5:03pm, and I saw the reflection of the pink skies and scarlet sun on the water. I suddenly heard voices, laughters, and looking back I saw approaching men. Soldiers. They were running around the block, laughing and talking to each other as they approached my spot. I tightened the hoodie surrounding my face, afraid to be recognized. Finally, they were gone.

Where are you? Please come. I need to see you. I need to talk to you. I miss you. I love you. I heard my pathetic expressions, I shook my head and then wiped my tears. Even after all the months have gone by, I was still holding on the thinnest shred of hope. For what? A lot of things. To go back to how it was before. To be happy again. To be loved again. To be full again. To be with him again.

"Taeyeon?"

That voice. The way my name was called. Suddenly, my stomach lurched, hurting me even more than the unexpected cold did. I quickly turned around, and when my eyes landed on his bare face, I sobbed. Pathetically. Helplessly. Painfully.

"Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?" I heard him nervously ask, then the next thing I felt was his warmth. Finally. He was owning me like he always did back then. "Come here. What's wrong?"

"I don't know what to do. I'm... lost... take me away, oppa. Take me away," I cried out. Again, pathetically. I was tearing up so badly, and though against my pride, I embraced him too. So tightly. So clingy.

"What happened? What's going on?" he asked with a new tone of panic. He was caressing my back, and I found that I just buried myself even deeper in his chest. He smelled like a man, like a soldier, like the love of my life.

"I know we said we'll figure everything out when you come back... I know it's only a few months from now... I know we're not together anymore... and that you might not want to go back--"

"Of course I want to," he immediately cut me off, and his answer only caused me to be more emotional. These words were all I ever wanted to hear. "You know I never stopped loving you."

"R-really?" I clarified, moving my head back from his chest, looking up to meet his gaze.

We just spent time together four weeks ago. We spent the night. We made love. We laughed some. We talked some. But we never really talked, never really laughed. Nothing was settled. Nothing was concrete.

We slept together, but we weren't together. That one night on late-February became the happiest I had been in a long time. Since we ended things things on October 2012, I had never owned a genuine smile, never been genuinely happy. It was as if my life stopped when he left. Because he was my life. He was my happiness. He was my dream. He was my future. He was all of me. So leaving each other, living without one another, it caused me to be an empty shell existing for nothing. So when I saw him again last month, I swallowed all my inhibitions, forgot my pride, only thought of the love and longing in my heart. I initiated the kiss. I initiated the touch. I initiated everything that night. He was broken-hearted, grieving, in so much pain because of his family. I wanted to make him happy, to soothe his pain, to assist him. Because I missed him. Because I loved him. Because I wanted him.

"Do you really still... l-love me?" I asked again, his next answer, if exactly what I wanted, would give me the license to finally be happy again.

"I can never throw away five years. My whole life, my future, I envisioned them all with you," he answered, his gaze never leaving mine.

I felt intense lightness, freedom, liberty, slowly covering all of me. The weight on my shoulders were lifted. The pain on my chest was dissipated. The tightening on my stomach was freed. I felt lighter. I felt free. I felt happy. Finally, I could celebrate the news I just learned of last night.

"...I love you Kim Taeyeon. So much. Like I have never love and will never love someone else."

His sincerity, his gazes, his handsome face, his sad eyes, they all shot through me, burying the most cruel form of sadness underneath me. I saw the maturity, the pains, the suffering in his eyes. My strong and brave Jeongsu oppa. I wish I can take away all your pain. So I cried, and I embraced him again. It was funny how we spent months and years pushing and pulling, how we slept together last month and still continued to repel each other. Yet one heart-to-heart conversation like this changed everything to make us both happy and together again.

"Just cry. It's okay. Oppa's here. I'll take care of you," he whispered, holding the back of my head.

"I love you t-too," I answered in a voice that was coated in sobs.

He kissed the top of my head, and then pushed my head away, cupping my face. He wiped my tears and said, "Now tell me what's wrong. You wouldn't drive all this way to see me if you just suddenly felt lonely. Or just intensely missed me. Or to get back together with me. Or hear me say I love you."

He was joking, of course. But I didn't answer. He was telling the truth. We already said we'd only talk like we did now when his military service finished. There were still five months left, yet I was already here.

"I'm..." I started, but didn't continue. How should I share with him the very news I only found out myself less than 24 hours ago?

"What?" he asked.

"...d-delayed."

Silence. His eyes became frozen on me, and his grip on my face loosened up. I could have worded it better, yet that was how I brought it up.

"Wh--" he muttered one syllable, and then just like me, stopped. "D-does that..."

He really couldn't talk. He finally let me go to hold his forehead, breathing in and out to recapture his calm.

"H-how long?" he asked, finally able to speak more than a simple sound.

"It's been two weeks. I think I'm one m-month--"

"O-ok... uhm... are y-you sure?" he was stuttering, his nervousness much more apparent.

"I tested positive last night."

Again, silence. I was not prepared for this kind of response. I had hoped too much that he would rejoice with glee. I became too confident that he'd be ecstatic, excited, happy. But to see him think twice like this, suddenly the happiness that soothed me when he told me he still loved me slowly vanished. I've been depressed for so long that reading my positive urine test brought me unexplainable happiness. I felt happy about this. But then I realized Jeongsu and I weren't together, so I became sad again. That's why I immediately drove down to his camp base so that I could regain back the happiness I initially felt. I gained it back a few minutes ago, only to lose it again now.

I shook my head and cried, saying, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry oppa. I didn't mean to--"

"We'll figure it out. We're in this together. Okay?" he kindly said, pulling me in more and kissing my forehead repeatedly. I felt calmer.

"What are we going to do? I d-don't know what to do," I laid out my fears on him, consecutively shaking my head. He just soothed me and caressed my hair.

"I love you. God I love you," he answered, holding me even tighter.

"Take me away. Let's run away. I don't know where else to go," I began to narrate to him all the convoluted thoughts on my head.

"Everyone will hate me, and it's all too much to think of. My parents would kill me... the members... the fans... and SM--"

That's only when it hit me. My company. His company. Our cruel, heartless company. I almost felt my breath stop. My heart definitely skipped a beat. I stepped back from his embrace, and now it became my turn to hold my forehead.

"Oh my God. SM," I blurted out, eventually pacing back and forth on my own as the thoughts and memories flashed before me. "They will... they will ask me to get rid of... God. I forgot. They will ask me to kill this--"

"Stop it!" Jeongsu immediately shouted, pulling my arm back so that I was facing him again. "Calm down. Please. Relax and don't stress out like this."

"They asked BoA unnie to do it... Victoria... Sulli... S-Sica..." I continued to panic, remembering that day in 2010 when I told Jessica Jung to her face that our friendship was over, because she agreed to what SM asked of her.

"They let go of Dana unnie, and Stephanie unnie, when they refused to do it. They will ask me to do it," all my greatest fears now only dawned on me. I had dwelled so much on hoping for Jeongsu's acceptance that I failed to think of the other aspects. Now that I have Jeongsu on my side did the other worries come out. "I don't know what to do! I'm scared oppa. I'm--"

"KIM TAEYEON!" he shouted, holding my two arms and shaking me back to rationality. "STOP PANICKING!"

And I listened, because the way he held me, the way he talked to me, the all waned down my fears and anxiety.

"I will never let anyone hurt you, or this," he declared with so much principle. He touched my belly and said, "This is ours. It's a gift. It's a blessing. Do you hear me? This