3/April/2013

 

She watched him looking into the eyepiece. She had always admired his passion for the stars. She closed her book and grasped the camera.

 

She entranced her arms around his waist and he chuckled, finally letting go of the telescope.

 

“I want a picture oppa”

 

He switched their position while giving her a smile. He was the one holding her now. She handed him the camera since his arm was longer. They both showed their best smiles and he snapped the photo.

 

That moment was forever saved.

 

14/June/2014

 

His arms covered her shoulders as they rested together on the ground, leaning against the old oak tree. The flowers were blooming exquisitely that day. She called that place ‘our spot’ ever so creatively, but he liked that name. She told him it was their place in the world, their little paradise. It was indeed.

 

That was where they sat to gaze upon the stars all during those past few years. It was where they shared their first kiss and where they went on their first date.

 

“That’s the Ursa Minor right, oppa?”

 

He nodded. “And that’s Lupus” she relaxed against his chest.

 

“Oppa, can I have a star?” a smile crept on her lips as she asked.

 

He chuckled, softly kissing her cheek. “Which one do you want?”

 

Her eyes sparkled. She enthusiastically looked up once again. Her eyes roamed the sky as she bit on her lips, trying to find a perfect star for her. “I want that one! Right there across the skyline. Can I have that ? Hmm?”

 

Her excitement evoked his laughter. He followed her pointing to a single star, which shone brilliantly, making it very easy to distinguish from all the other stars.

 

“It’s yours then. We shall call it Suzy from now on”

 

 

20/March/2016

 

“Good morning” she gave him her sunny smile when he pulled a chair to sit on the dining table.

 

He poured himself some milk. “Good morning, Suzy” he forgot to pour some for her, she found comfort in that.

 

That was how their past few months went. She’d wake him up, and then beg him to get out of bed. They’d share breakfast, just like every other day in the past few years. It seemed impossible for him to imagine getting used to any other routine. She’d then insist on getting him out of the house, even though all he wanted was to hold her in his arms all day.

 

“How about her?” She pointed towards another woman. She was sitting with him on their familiar bench in the park.

 

“I don’t like her clothes” he absentmindedly answered.

 

She sighed. “She looks nice”

 

“She’s too tall”

 

She narrowed her eyes. “Yah! You like tall women”

 

“I like you. She isn’t you, Suzy”

 

She tried not to smile. “It’s been a year”

 

“Let’s just go back home”

 

He yearned to lie back on the bed, their bed, and close his eyes. She’d protest and poke his shoulder, desperately trying to wake him, then give up and lie with him, her arms wrapping around his chest.

 

 

13/July/2014

 

“I always thought it to be stupid how we wish upon falling stars. They’re merely rocks” She lied on the grass and watched as he made another wish.

 

It was one more falling star, one more wish and one more disappointment.  She gave up a long time ago, probably by the time her father had to travel for work to pay for her sessions, or the nth time she found her mother crying on the floor. Possibly around the time that everyone else gave up on her.

 

Everyone but him.

 

The physicians gave it some extravagant title. Her family referred to it as ‘her condition’. He called it her needing him.

 

He reclined next to her a few instants later.

 

“What did you wish for?”

 

“For you to get better” He never gave up faith, that’s why she knew he’ll be left with the greatest aching. He caressed her hair as she rested beside him.

 

“What’s that one named?” she asked.

 

“It’s Libra”

 

“It looks like a table”

 

He chuckled slightly. “You need imaginings to form constellations. The ends of the table are the two pans of the scale…” he continued to explain the mythology and beliefs to her, ignoring for once, that imagination was never something she needed.

 

 

12/May/2014

 

He shoved her instructor out of the way and ran to her side. Her hands concealed her face. “I’m right here. It’s alright. I’m right here” he continued to whisper gentle words to her while embracing her as close as he could manage.

 

“He was hurting me, oppa” he simply nodded.

 

“I wasn’t…” her teacher argued. He signalled him to be quite.  Her struggling calmed in his embrace in what seemed like a painfully extended period. The episodes were getting worst.

 

Seung gi thought she was recovering this time, that it might work this time. He thought giving her a chance to learn something she loves would help her connect more with her world, that’s why he offered to appoint a guitar instructor for her. He was the fourth tutor they tried. All led to the same result, her crying on the floorboards, grasping onto him.

 

He wiped the tear and sweat mixture off her face, allowing her to have an intense look into his eyes. He hoped that offers her some relief. She was exhausted from the combination of pain and despair they both felt.

 

“I’m sorry, Sir” she tried to bow to her teacher and he nodded. It was obvious that his vision of her reformed after witnessing her breakdown.

 

She briefly wondered how his never did.

 

 

14/May/2014

 

They were sitting on the grass near the planetarium once more. That was a spot Seung gi was well used to by now. It was the only place that allowed them a clear view on the stars she loved. It was far away from their home, and yet he became used on taking her there.

 

It was one more thing he counted on to offer both of them some support after almost every occurrence.

 

“You know… the doctor always says I’m hallucinating, engrossed in a different world” she begun. “I’m not hallucinating, I’m simply dreaming” he silently observed as her stare remained on the sky above them. “But I never dream when I’m here. I think it’s because this place is as captivating as the world in my dreams”

 

He followed her gaze up to a certain constellations. “Your world isn’t separated from mine, Suzy. It will never be”

 

“It can’t be. Not here. When we’re here, our worlds become one” her eyes finally fell on him.

 

“Promise me?”

 

She nodded. “I promise I will never leave you for another world when we’re here together”

 

She always promised him she’d get better, that her attacks won’t happen anymore. And yet she always broke her promises. That promise was the only one she kept.

 

“What’s that one called?” she pointed at another star formation.

 

 

11/November/2014

 

“The next time you go to space, I want you to get me moon dust”

 

He gave her a smile; the light didn’t touch his eyes. He had never been to space.

 

“I’m not an astronaut Suzy”

 

She giggled and pulled him into a kiss. Her lips were always sweet. That was one thing that will never change about her.

 

“And I want you to take me with you sometime” she added.

 

“To space?” he asked. She was quiet. Her eyes wandered around the room. He couldn’t allow this to happen again. He couldn’t let her slip. He brought her close to him, lifting her chin to force her eyes to fall upon him.

 

“Where do you want to go?” The period of silence prolonged, all while her eyes remained fixed on him.

 

“Away”

 

“I want you to stay” he stated.

 

 

9/April/2016

 

“So, I was thinking… we should go to the gym this afternoon” she began as she lied next to him. “It’s a perfect place to meet people”

 

“I don’t want to meet people” she quietly observed as he stirred the ramen. “Suzy?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You stopped leaving me notes on the fridge”

 

“And you stopped pouring me milk in the morning” she returned.

 

“You never drink it”

 

“I never liked milk”

 

His hand reached for hers. “Your garments are still in the closet. You should change, white doesn’t suit you”

 

“You always told me it does” she argued. She pointed at the left countertops when he tried to find a clean bowl. “How come you don’t go to our spot anymore?”

 

“I don’t like it any longer” he simply replied as he scooped the ramen.

 

He didn’t dare step foot near that place ever since.

 

 

17/November/2014

 

She sat with his arms around her. The telescope he loved stood forgotten near them. 

 

“Show me The Pleiades” she asked. He kissed her cheek and pointed near the moon, where seven bright stars were sparkling.

 

“They’re stunning” she remarked.

 

His breath fell near her ear, sending a chill down her spine. She sank closer to his embrace. He tried to shield her well with the blanket upon sensing her shivering.

 

“They were sentenced for their beauty, given the lore at least”

 

She nodded. “You told me their story”

 

“They show an impeccable illustration of what prejudicing people for something beyond their control can lead up to, their beauty vanished from this world forever” he began and she continued to listen. She always esteemed the spark in his eyes when he talks about stars. He crooked his head to watch her gorgeous orbs, noting her contemplating his words. “If we don’t take time to observe every little detail about someone, we might fail to regard their outstanding beauty. That’s why they’re my favourite constellation”

 

“And they’re sparkly”

 

He chuckled. “That too”

 

“My favourite is The Archer” she told him. Her observation went back to the heavens. “Because he was in agony and was let go by the ones that cared for him. Even though you want to preserve the ones you love close to you, sometimes goodbye is for the best”

 

He tried to make believe that he didn’t fathom her words; it wounded him extravagantly. “It’s not love if you let them go, Suzy. One must try to hold his loved ones near, just like this” he tightened his hold and she giggled as his fingers tickled her skin.

 

 

4/April/2016

 

“Open the window” she urged.

 

“It’s too cold”

 

She gave him a look. “It’s spring now. Open the window; I miss the scent of orange blossoms”

 

He finally complied. He stood near the window and allowed her to join him. He watched her beaming as she looked down the street, a group children were playing.

 

Their house slowly absorbed the scents of spring. He was used to cherry blossoms filing his nose every morning, and night blooming Jasmines in the evenings.

 

Every time, she’d rest her head on his lap and allow him to read some book, often about stars. It was moments like that that made him forget about their real state. He’d be in seventh heaven, some other realm where she wasn’t sick and they weren’t fated to part.

 

She enclosed her arms around his waist, noting it was far easier than before. “You’re getting thin, oppa”

 

“Of course, I’ve lost my appetite. You should cook for me, I miss your food”

 

“Half of it was burnt anyway” she reminded him with a smirk.

 

“I still liked it”

 

 

11/April/2016

 

He heard the alarm going at noon. His hand tiredly shut it. He turned around to find her sitting beside him on the bed, staring down at him.

 

“You’re a mess” she stated. He slowly pushed the covers off to sit straight. She drew closer to him. “Get up and shower, you should shave too. Come down to eat and then wear something appropriate, we’re going out tonight”

 

“I just want to watch some movie with you” he pleaded her with his eyes hardly open.

 

“We won’t do that. You have to set your life straight, it’s been long enough!” her voice slowly rose to the point of shouting.

 

“Do you expect me to get beyond you just like that?” he gave her a sly smile, keeping his tone calm, which irritated her even more.

 

Her lips quivered and her eyes grew teary, she blinked the tears away. “You must! I’ve been nothing but a burden to you. I’m not normal!”

 

“I love you”

 

“You shouldn’t have. I don’t qualify to be loved. I’ve never once been sane” she retorted.

 

“Who do you think you’re talking to? I’m the craziest one of the two of us” he let out a laugh while her eyes grew wide. “I’ve spent a year talking to my dead girlfriend’s ghost” His statement completely hushed her. “And even she wants to leave me” he muttered amid another bitter laugh.

 

 

11/March/2015

 

He closed his eyes as they watched the meteors, she could tell he was making a wish. They were once again sitting on the hill near the planetarium, to watch the stars they both loved.

 

Her condition kept becoming worst, the occurrences took longer, the pain only grew more, the medicines stopped helping, and his heart sank deeper every time. She knew her life was coming to an end.

 

“What did you wish for?”

 

“For you to recover” came his reply.

 

She was well accustomed it by now. “You should release me sometime soon you know” she tried to keep her sight focused on him, even though she felt her world whirling.

 

“I can’t let go of you”

 

Just then, another meteor passed them. This time, for the first time in her life, it was her that held her hands together, and made a wish upon a falling star.

 

She didn’t wish for time, as she knew that was running out. She didn’t wish to heal, for she knew it was impossible. She didn’t wish for his heart to rectify either.

 

Instead she wished to linger by his side, just up until he can set her free.

 

A week later they had a fight. He lost all control he strived to hold the past few years. He told her every little detail about her that got on his last nerve, every little reason why he wished he had never come across her, all about the ways she pains him.

 

By the time she stopped crying, she walked out of their home. And by the time he grasped the fault, he went after her.

 

A car accident took place two boulevards away from their house that night. That was how she lost her life. That was also how he lost the love of his life.

 

It wasn’t in a hospital room, it wasn’t painful and it was quick, yet he was the one left with all the pain.

 

 

20/April/2016

 

It was barely sunrise when he woke up that day. She watched him leaving the house. She sat in the emptiness, looking as every little item in their shared home glowed under the rising sun.

 

She saw him walking back in with numerous boxes at hand. Furiously, he unlocked the door to the closet they shared. He shoved her clothes to the ground; some were greeted by the box.

 

"What are you doing?” shocked by his behaviours, she tried to hold his arm but he freed it, causing her to stumble backwards. He continued with his task, inside of him was a pile of withheld emotions that stormed out at once. She stood watching as he emptied nearly all her racks in the wardrobe, some falling into the containers, others scattering on the floor.

 

Once all her clothes were gone he kneeled to empty the drawers, which contained some photos, albums and dried flowers he once picked for her. He was in an instance of rage, pushing every item in his sight to fall, not sharing a single word with her. Everything happened so fast as her sight went blurry with tears

 

She tried to stop him when he held her most treasured photo. They were both quite young, in love, and very happy. They were sitting in their most favourite place; the stars twinkled extra brightly in the background, as if equally enthusiastic to see young lovers.

 

Amid his rage, he pushed the frame to fall; the glass scattered and made the vision on the photo unclear. He stopped right then. He sat on the ground and allowed her to watch him crying, breaking right in front of her. He didn’t even notice the glass that injured his foot.

 

“This was supposed to be your ring” he stated while pointing at a small box in the very end of the drawer. “And I never even had a chance to see you wearing it” he stopped to take a deep breath, and then proceeded. The ring was forever lost into the container. She didn’t even have a chance to see it.

 

Everything that reminded him about her was gone. Her CDs, her photos, her vintage books, her collection of hair pins and accessories were lost in a flash, sinking deeper and deeper into the boxes. She watched the life they shared being erased so fast.

 

She sat near him on the floor when he finally stopped, her tears flowing freely. She always asked him to move on and forget her, throw her clothes away, break their frames and hide their memories. Yet she never imagined it would cause her such aching.

 

“I wanted you to stay with me” he told her amid a chuckle. He looked like a crazy person, his eyes red and sore, his arms and legs injured and bruised, his clothes a mess, sitting on the floor and talking to someone that didn’t exist.

 

They unleashed their aching and mourning that dawn in April. It was greeted with the warm spring wind. Afterwards, it was silence. Neither one spoke a word as they took in the scent of flowers. She didn’t know how long it lasted.

 

By the time he finally looked up to face her eyes, they were both weary. “I’ll go to the planetarium tomorrow” he stated.

 

Tears formed in her eyes once more. He watched as her lips quivered and she tried to blink them away. “I should… I should go then” she croaked. Fresh tears now fell down her cheek.

 

“Don’t go”

 

“I must”

 

“I don’t want to let you go yet. Can’t I have one last night of holding you?” he pulled her into his arms, delighted in the fact that he felt her hair tickling his arms, just like back then. “One last night then”

 

She nodded into his chest. “We shouldn’t cry now. We should treasure our last night together, make it properly memorable” she wiped his tears and forced a smile. Just then, the sunlight fell on her hair, turning it golden under the rays. Just then, she looked beautiful.

 

She took his heart a long time ago, he never got it back. But in that very moment, for the first time in the year she left him, his breath was taken away.

 

One would spend their last time with their loved one doing something memorable and exceptional. Instead, they spent their afternoon looking at their photos, their evening watching the stars, and their night held in each other’s arms.

 

To them that was just as exceptional and memorable.

 

“I’m sorry we had a fight” he whispered in her ear as they rested on the bed.

 

She moved her hand to caress his cheek. “And I’m sorry I left you”

 

“I still need you; I’ll never stop wanting you”

 

She shook her head while giving him a smile. “You never needed me. You deserve a lover, someone normal. Someone who can cook” they both chuckled at that. “Someone that can give you healthy children”

 

“I wanted a family with you. I can never stop thinking about you”

 

“Yes you can” she insisted.  “You’ll meet a woman; she won’t remind you of me at all. She won’t like vintage books or late night dancing, she won’t even like the stars” she smiled. “But you will fall for her. You will love her far more than you ever loved me”

 

She traced a finger down his lips to quiet him as he was about to argue.

 

“And when she walks down the aisle, you’ll stop thinking about me” he gulped as they both tried to keep their promise of not crying that night. “And then when you hold your first child in your arms, that’s when you’ll really forget about me”

 

She wasn’t there when he woke up. She left by early sunrise, just before he managed to wake.

 

 

23/July/2014

 

“Oppa, do you think stars watch us, just we like look up at them?”

 

“Why would you ask that?” he inquired instead.

 

She smirked. “It’s nice to know that when you go through bad times, and even good ones, there’s someone up there cheering you on, faithful to you as you make your way in life”

 

“The skies captivated people through all ages. Perhaps that’s another reason why we look upon them” he replied. “But you don’t need them, you always have me to cheer for you, and I’ll always have you”

 

 

27/April/2016

 

He stared at the vase in front of him, the only thing of hers still there in the room. He was supposed to go to their place a week ago, he simply couldn’t. He spent a week without her, and the pain was excruciating.

 

She told him she wanted the ash to be spread in their spot. He simply couldn’t get himself to go there. That day, he came to a decision. That day, he was going to finally visit her. And then he was going to make her wish come true.

 

He walked toward their spot, the vase that contained her ash held in his hand. It was evening now, and the stars shone brightly down at him. He thought about what she told him. Maybe it was true, maybe stars gaze down at people. He imagined that if it was indeed true, the stars would congratulate him for making it this far.

 

He sat on the grass, leaning his back on the familiar oak tree. The wild flowers surrounded him in that beautiful time of the year. Perhaps the flowers felt confused as to why she wasn’t with him. Perhaps they bloomed further this year to surprise her, but were let down when she didn’t come.

 

“I hate you… I hate you for leaving me behind” he didn’t bother trying to hold his tears. “Why did you have to run off like that? You knew I never meant a word I said”

 

The graveyard was so awfully quiet. He wished for a small movement. Instead, he was left to his memories.

 

“I remember how you used to stomp your foot on the ground when I refuse to get you something, and how you wrinkled your nose after you sneeze” he chuckled at his reminiscences. “Maybe if I had regretted it sooner I would’ve run after you, and then this would’ve happened”

 

That very moment, he felt a cold rush of wind going against him. He turned to find her looking at him. He knew it wasn’t his imagination this time. She was in a haze this time but he could tell she was smiling, happy and at ease.  He could tell she was reassuring him. He could also tell she was there because she promised him she will be. She promised him that when they’re there, their worlds will never be apart.

 

“I can still make out your scent every morning” he faced her. “I’ll miss how you always woke me up with a kiss. And I’ll miss the scent of your burnt food. I’ll miss how when you can’t sleep, I find you sitting in our balcony, gazing at the stars. I’ll miss your awful taste in music”

 

He was silent for a few more seconds; delighted in just watching her for what they knew would be the last time.

 

“I really hope you’re happy now, up there. Save a spot for me near you” He could picture her sharing his laughter. “I promise you I’ll set my life right now, just wait and see. I won’t be moping anymore” he stood up.

 

He felt lighter than before, like the weight he carried was finally lifted off his shoulder.

 

“I’ll always love you” he told her as opened the urn.

 

He could see her blurry figure smiling, mouthing back a reply. “I love you too” before she disappeared with the ash. He knew this time it was permanent.

 

 

20/march/2020

 

He kept his promise to straighten up his life, he became an astronomer, he was offered a good job and he continued to love the night stars. She was right about everything, she was always right.

 

He held a little girl in his arms that night as he gazed upon the stars. She was his first child. Her mother was nothing like Suzy. She didn’t even like the stars.

 

She was wrong about some things though; one of them was that was that he never forgotten about her. Every time his daughter’s cries calmed when he takes her to look at space, every time those cheesy pop music played on the radios, every time he saw those cooking channels she used to watch, to no avail, he was reminded of her.

 

One more thing she was wrong about was that he never loved any person more than he loved her.

 

He loved her. He loved her so much it hurt. She was his other half. Without her all he was incomplete.

 

And yet every time he had troubles at work, he went under pressure or problems, he looked up at the stars. A single one shone further brilliantly down at him. The one she claimed as hers.