Krystal found it difficult to acknowledge the fact that she broke down in front of her blonde-haired senior. She just couldn't bring herself to believe that she had revealed a side she promised to hide from everyone else for as long as she lived to someone whom she just met, and someone she wasn't exactly fond of no less. Her sudden crack of emotion was obviously not something she had planned, but it happened and no matter how often she looked to the sky and asked for time to rewind itself, it just wasn't possible.

    She hated herself for being so weak. 

    Everything she had worked so hard for-- the pretending to be the perfect daughter, the perfect friend, the perfect human being. Yes, she was tired of it and although she had told herself that her new life in Korea would be different, a fresh start where she could finally crawl out of her perfectly sculptured shell and to just be the real her, she couldn't. Everything was moving too fast and she just wasn't ready for it. She wasn't ready to face people who thought of her as anything less than perfect. It was only after the sudden outburst she had with Amber, when she finally realized how stupid it was of her to think that she could just forget about her old life, the old her and pull a 360, becoming a totally new person.

    Some things you can never let go of.

    But Krystal wanted to, she really did. She wanted it so bad, she would've given her whole world for it. She wanted to stop being the person who was so caught up in her little made-believe world, she became made-believe herself. She became someone who wore shoes that were two sizes too big and couldn't fit her not matter how hard she tried, who liked things she couldn't stand, who did what was expected of her and pushed away anything else that wasn't within her parents' line of focus. She became the puppet on the lonely string.

    God only knew how conflicted Krystal's soul was. A part of her was telling her that it was written in stone, her duties as Krystal Jung Soo-Jung, but another part of her was screaming at the top of their lungs for her to buck up and become the person she was and wanted to be. A person who isn't afraid to show others how tired, and how fragile she actually was. A person who didn't have to care about how she looked, or how she acted around people so she was seen as the perfect everything, but nothing is ever that easy.

   All Krystal longed for was to step up and become the real her, the her that she named 'the '. She claimed that that was the actual her and not the fake girl who pretended to enjoy helping people, but little did she know she just wasn't as y as she credited herself to be. It wasn't iness that filled her heart, it was numbness. Numbness and the occasional stab of pain. And somehow at some point in her life, she mistook that for being y. She thought that her inability to feel empathy or sadness towards anything else but her own life was the definition to the word 'y', but she was wrong.

    Krystal wasn't y. She was just, empty.

    And who could've blamed her for misunderstanding herself?

    She wasn't even aware that something inside her was missing and that something had been gone for so long, it became a part of her. She was now the missing piece and the missing piece was her. If only she realized that, then maybe she wouldn't have gone around following the footsteps of those blonde es she saw from TV. They didn't seemed to care when they rammed kids into lockers or put glue in people's hair and neither did Krystal. So, she foolishly decided to brand herself as y even though she hadn't let it out on public display.

    At least not until she met Amber.

    Amber Liu. What makes her so different from the others?

    It has been a month since Krystal's transfer to her high school in Korea. Life was pretty good. Her grades didn't turn out to be as bad as she thought they would have, and she had friends. Actual friends. Not like the ones she had back in America who only cared about what kind of bag she bought over the weekend or the stellar discount she had over her new pair of heels. I don't even like heels. Or bags. Or anything that required you to pay extra money for. The friends she had now was the complete opposite of the ones she had tolerated over her years as a pre-teen. Well, excluding Key. God, he's such a diva, but in the best way possible.

    It was true though, Luna and her gang of friends were the realest people she had ever come across. They were honest with each other and their bond seemed to be a lot more stronger than the ones she had with her "girlfriends" back home. Maybe it was because their bond didn't revolve around a pair of Jimmy Choo's or Prada skirt that made them so much closer as friends. They didn't need to have the same field of interest to click. They just did. According to Krystal's close observation for the past month since befriending the group of monkeybutts, the only seemingly mutual interest they had was about one thing and one thing only-- food. Henry and Luna were almost always spazzing about pizzas while Key and Sulli went off to their own side, complaining about how much calories these burgers had in them or how much better the salad from that new Italian restaurant was compared to that "pathetic excuse for a bistro". It was a daily routine for them to talk about food. Of course, they talked about other things as well, but the food conversation always seemed to be the only thing of actual importance to them.

    Amber wasn't any different. When they met up everyday during recess, the blonde would bury herself in the pizza talk with Luna and Henry, but moments later, she would always go the extra mile to spike up a conversation with Krystal no matter how unapproachable she might seem. Krystal being Krystal, would usually brush her off and send Amber one of her monotonous, single-syllabled answer, but that didn't stop the seemingly hyperactive blonde from annoying the heck out of Krystal. She would go on and on, yapping about her non-existent life as a basketball player(the school only had the boys' basketball team) and how stupid the uncultured gladiators would act when they saw Krystal around with the rest of Amber's friends when waiting for Amber to finish up her short, just-for-fun matches with the official basketball players.

    Krystal knew that Amber only told her these things because she wanted to amuse her or entertain her in some way, but it didn't. In fact, the effect was quite the opposite. Not only were they unappealing to Krystal, they pretty much irritated the crap out of her. She didn't need to know how many idiots there were who are completely willing to give up both their kidneys for her, or how they'd shoot themselves between the eyes just to get that little attention from the brown-haired sophomore. Amber claimed that the boys needed Krystal so much, they were willing to quit the basketball team just to give Krystal their undivided attention. Those boys don't need me, they need Jesus.

    Time after time, Krystal kept rolling her eyes at Amber whenever she talked about the subject, hoping that the rather dense-minded tomboy would catch the drift, but she never did(too dense duhh) and at some point, Krystal just gave up and let her be. It wasn't like they didn't have anything else to talk about, but Amber just seemed to like this topic a lot more than she did the others.

    After the incident that happened during their first math tutoring session at school, Amber never brought it up again. She never talked or enquired about Krystal's sudden outburst and her probably-there-bipolarity. Krystal knew how curious Amber got, she could see the question marks behind those dark irises, but the senior apparently knew better than to dig up old skeletons. She was considerate and gave Krystal the space she needed. Breaking down in front of people wasn't Krystal's thing and even after their brief moment of knowing one another, Amber could tell that it would have been too much for Krystal if she brought it up. And for that, Krystal was thankful. She appreciated Amber's kind understanding and that was the reason to her indifference in treatment towards the blonde-haired senior.

    Also, Amber was the only person other than him who had ever witnessed Krystal stripped bare and without the protection of her usual aura of confidence. She stood in front of the blonde, in a pool of nothing but her own sadness, her very own weakness. There weren't any holes to hide herself in, or sea to drown herself in. It was just poor, vulnerable Krystal lying in front of Amber(metaphorically speaking you dirty people).

    Amber had seen it all.

    Amber knew.

    Having someone who had seen you in the worst possible condition ever, it just made it easier, almost normal to just be yourself around them. And that was what happened to Krystal. With Amber in the knowing, there wasn't any point left to pretend being someone else. So, Krystal's interaction with Amber wasn't quite the same as with her other friends. With Luna or Sulli, she was always on guard, thinking about what to say next and whether she should laugh at this or that joke. Krystal's insecurities about her image was still felt when she was in their company, but with Amber, it was a completely different story.

    Rather than being the reserved, quiet yet confident Krystal that Luna and the rest came to know, she turned into someone who wasn't the thought-up image of her. She morphed into the Krystal who is sarcastic, outspoken and even humorous(at extremely rare occasions) when it came to Amber. Although yes, Krystal always showed limited reactions towards the senior's sad attempts at getting her to carry on a conversation, she found herself contradictingly enjoying whatever time she spent with Amber, especially their alone time during their one-to-one math tutoring sessions because it was only then her body and mind would allow her to to put aside the perfect-looking mask and reveal the person underneath it-- the real her.

    While she had always been a person of social means, she still found it somewhat uncomfortable to deal with new people. Back at home, she never expressed her discomfort towards the matter of meeting new people because what's a perfect girl if she can't get people to like her? But here in Korea when she decided to turn a new leaf, she said to herself to be more quiet and less "out there" than she did in the States because it was getting tiring, pretending that it was that easy to talk to people. Krystal was also a natural when it came to the art of sarcasm, but she couldn't really stretch that sarcastic side of her often as not many bore an appreciation towards it. So, she hid that about herself, along with all other traits that were deemed unacceptable by her parents and the part of her who put reputation before everything else.

    Basically, the real Krystal was shy, insecure, but witty. And the only time where she could be all three of those was when she was in the presence of Amber and Amber only. Not even he can compete with that.

   Krystal was just her truest self with Amber. 

   The blonde allowed her the chance to let out whatever breath she was holding in. She let Krystal break free. Free from whatever that was holding her back and dragging her down; free from the controlling and manipulative voices in her head. Just, free. Krystal was the realest and the happiest around Amber, but she didn't exactly realize it as she didn't waste her time thinking about anything else but how comfortable she felt around Amber. Comfortable and refreshing.

    Without knowing it, her senior became the breath of fresh air that she desperately needed. She became that favorite spot everyone had where they can be alone with their own thoughts and be completely at ease; the one place people go to rejuvenate themselves and to just be happy and carefree again. Amber became Krystal's rooftop.

    She became Krystal's favorite rooftop.

    But of course, Krystal who was too caught up with her own issues failed to notice that little fact. To her, Amber was merely a friend. scratch that, Amber was just a schoolmate and a senior that was preventing her from failing math. Krystal didn't see much point in relating her thoughts towards the blonde-haired tomboy. At least not when the back of her mind, or rather, every part of her mind was occupied by Kai 24/7. He was everywhere she went and everyone she saw. She turns a corner at the school hall, she sees Kai standing by the lockers with that half-smirk of his. She looks into her schoolbooks, images of all the post-it notes he used to stick on them come crashing in like a tidal wave. She unlocks her phone, and she can feel her fingers graze over the keypad, itching to type in the familiar number. People talked to her but all she heard was Kai, Kai, Kai, Kai. His voice. His laughter. His breathing.

    His cussing. Him damning her to go to hell. Him abandoning her, leaving her to fend for the lost and broken pieces of her heart alone.

    She would never let his betrayal become something to be forgotten. Even if she somehow managed to get him out of her system one day, she knew she would never be able to fully let things go; to fully let him go. She wished she could look into the mirror and yell at least she tried, but the fact was, she didn't. She didn't try to let go of the past. She didn't try to let go of him, and she doubted there would ever be a day when she did.

    But that was before she got involved with Amber in ways she never thought she would.

    Before she came to realize that Amber wasn't just a schoolmate or a senior.

    Or someone who was preventing her from flunking math.

    Before she realized that Amber was more than.

    A friend.

A/N: Glad i finally got to express Krystal's thoughts and her feelsss, although i'm not sure if i depicted it well enough. Oh wells. Hope you people didn't get bored reading this. Sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors and thanks for taking time out to read whatever crap my head is asking me to type into my laptop. And thank you even more if you pressed on the 'subscribe' button. No seriously, thank you. If i could say it in like 25 languages i would, but i'm too lazy to hit google translate. Till next time then :]