‘Oppa… please take me back home…’

I was running after Seunghyun oppa and Soojin but it seemed like I wasn’t leaving my spot… I felt myself getting tired… only to see them slowly drifting away from my sight… I screamed their name for a couple of time but still they won’t turn back…

‘Soojin-ah… oppa… please take me back home…’

Soon everything went black… I couldn’t see them anymore… just darkness and coldness enveloped me… I stopped from my tracks… gasping for someone… something to hold on to but still I couldn’t see a thing…. Soon I slumped down… crying my eyes out… wishing they would come back for me… just anyone… just someone to heed my dying hope…

Just then the coldness suddenly subsided… warmth slowly crept up on me… and I felt something strong and firm pulled me up from where I was… enveloping me in its security… I finally felt the calmness inside…

I looked up and despite the blur brought by my tears… I could still see the familiar cold eyes of someone… I knew at that point who it came from… such an irony to feel warmth on someone as cold as he… I felt his hold got tighter… as if not wanting to let go of me… I was supposed to get suffocate… feel the pain from it… but surprisingly… I felt nothing but peace and happiness…

‘Stay with me…’


--


My eyes slowly opened… wanting to see where that voice came from… I immediately sat up only to be welcomed by a massive headache… I cringed in pain… brought both of my hands on my head… it hurts so much… just what happened last night…?

As soon as the pain subsided a bit, I scanned the place… I’m in our room… and as usual he’s not at my side…

Was it all just a dream…?

Even so, it felt so real…

That voice... I'm sure it belongs to him...

I really am thinking too much… that until in my dreams I am still blinded by my selfishness… how could I even think of him that way…? Hoping he would actually ask for me to stay… pathetic…


--


He was here last night… he finally came back home… did he spend the night here…? Trails of thoughts quickly filled my mind… anticipation hits me… as my heart suddenly raced fast… what is this I feeling…?

His always expressionless face was the only clear memory from last night… he was there when I arrived… looking at me with those dead eyes… those empty orbs…blank… odd it may seem… but seeing at least those eyes could bring happiness to me… for at least it wasn’t those hurtful stares from before… not those disgusted look that would remind me how horrible of a person I am… and pathetic it may seem… it is better for me to be looked at by his dead eyes for a sudden little change from him is enough to heighten up the last hope I have…

And now here I am… wanting to see him… wanting to see those eyes again… hoping that he’s still here… would it be absurd for me to hope just to see him…? Just to know that he stayed here with me…? Would it be too much for me to wish that he didn’t choose staying with his lover last night…?

I am really being blinded by my selfishness… too drown in my own bliss…trying to capture that one person that never I deserve and never I should look at to… why am I being like this…?

After a while of resting, I managed to pull myself up from the bed…my head is still a bit spinning… I never thought a couple of drinks would make me feel this bad… how did I act when he’s here last night…? Did he saw me in that state…? He probably got disgusted in me more…

Why am I this conscious of what he thinks of me…? That alcohol really got me hard….


--


It’s still early… I still could manage to catch up for my first class… yesterday was like a rollercoaster of events… but never did I enjoy the ride… and never would I want to experience it again… Cl’s probably right… I should just let myself stay away from his lover’s way because it would just only give me more heartache… wherein the first place I couldn’t decipher why should I feel that pain…? Am I worthy to feel hurt hearing those words from her…? Am I worthy to feel sorry for myself being the most pathetic wife of someone…? And most especially… am I worthy of hoping for a happy marriage with her lover…?

I let the cold water rinse off those unanswered questions… together with the sadness that is slowly creeping up on me again… today’s another day… I shouldn’t be worrying about yesterday’s heartaches and just focus on trying to make something new and happy today…but how long have I been doing these trials…? Each day I always try… but in the end… I always fail… am I really incapable of making myself worthy of that happiness…?


--


‘I know someday… Jiyong and I will still be together…’

So much for making myself forget… as much as I want to shift my thoughts to somewhere, I would always fall for that one statement… why am I bothering myself to feel in pain thinking about those words…? I was once a prisoner of him and my cowardliness… it would be a great chance to have my freedom once they get back into each others arms… I should be feeling happy by then… but why… why do I feel the opposite thing…

Slowly suffocating me… thinking what will happen to me once he left…? Am I back into being a mere thing being sold just to free my family from its debt…? Never have I wanted to have such pitiful life…

And why is that a bigger part of me is now screaming for him not to leave me… not to go with her… Have I finally got accustomed to his painful treatment… Since when have I wanting for him to stay with me…? Such a cruel intention to someone I do not own and never will…

“What took you so long…?”

And just then… after a very tiring moment of battling with myself, asking myself with those impossible questions… a voice finally woke me up from my deep trance… thank god someone did for I could feel my self slowly being numb from al