Pick Up - permanent_dreamer
DEATH N♔TE Review Sh♔p [CLOSED/Finishing Request]
Reviewer: LavenderAlisa19
Chapters 1 to Epilogue
Title [5/5]
Even though the title seemed simple at the first glance, the one-word title actually attracted me. It actually has this special tinge and a melancholic feeling to it. And this was proven to be true, when upon finishing this ff, I could never think of any other title that perfectly suits this story.
Description & Foreword [10/10]
The description was just nice—it didn’t reveal everything, and it definitely leaves some ‘question marks’ to potential readers, just enough to pique their interest. I do realize the gradual change in the lengths of description for different pairings, but then I thought that was an intentional move. I don’t think I have anything to penalize here, so yup, full marks for you in this section as well.
Plot [19/20]
The plotline slowly shifted from KyuMin to the conflict in HyukHae’s relationship. It must be agreed that the latter storyline is more dynamic and had more depth than the first one.
If we break down the plotline to its core, the storyline that you used was actually based on the typical foundation—CEO guy being arranged into a marriage by his parents, his crumbling relationship because of it, the adopted child being despised by his foster parents. But you managed to manipulate these typical traits into something that was yours. Like how you set up the scenes.
I must say, the plotline is not something that I’ve found in other pieces of work. It was undoubtedly mature and unique.
Characterization [14/15]
Each character had interactions with one another, which I must applaud you for that. You even made the rarest interactions between Sungmin and Donghae happen.
At first, Donghae gave me the impression of being a childish man, but as the story progresses, I must say he is the most developed character in this ff. He wasn’t a bright person, nor was he intelligent, but he thinks the most logically. He was unlike other characters that prefer thinking based on facts or books. Sungmin, on the other hand, was a bit shallow. There were actually times where I noticed that he had quite a bipolar character.
However, I love how you made even the tiniest character lively, or just the side characters. Taking Lee Ae Ri as an example: she wasn’t the typical snobbish and bratty girl from a rich family, she was an independent woman instead. I especially love her habit of fumbling through her purse, searching for imaginary items just to blurt what was on her mind. I find it extremely endearing. Lee Ae Ri was definitely adorable, admireable in a way.
Grammar & Vocabulary [13/15]
Overall, you have a good command in grammar in this ff. There were only minor mistakes that were repeatedly made in this ff, which I believe they were made out of ignorance, so I feel like I should share with you some knowledge that I gained from school (and hopefully I'm using the terms correctly).
—Modal verbs, that are ‘will’ (past tense ‘would’), ‘shall’ (‘should’), ‘let’, ‘make’ (‘made’), and their relevant forms should be followed by infinite verbs. Infinite verbs are verbs that are in their original form.
Ch 3
What you did: and how bunnies made him feels all fluffy
Correction: and how bunnies made him feel all fluffy
—The same goes to the five senses: ‘see’, ‘hear’, ‘feel’ etc. They should be followed by infinite verbs as well, and can be followed by verbs with the ending –ing without being accompanied by 'is', 'am' or 'are'.
Ch 11
What you did:
Hyukjae was hastily dressing up when he opened his eyes the next morning. He did hear he spoke on the phone earlier about something, and he mentioned a name; a familiar name actually, yet it probably was the morning and sleepiness that unfortunately he forgotten of who it was the second he came back to his consciousness. “Leaving?” he asked, and Hyukjae jolted.
Suggestion (and some alterations):
Hyukjae was hastily dressing up when he opened his eyes the next morning. He did hear Hyukjae speaking on the phone earlier about something and mentioning a name—a familiar name actually. But the second he came back to his consciousness, he forgot about the name, probably it was the morning and sleepiness that made him forget.
“Leaving?” he asked, and Hyukjae jolted.
—Semi-colons were utilized in this ff as well. Some of them were used correctly in terms of places and purposes, but there were times where a coma could have simply done the trick.
Ch 8
A deep hum came out from Kyuhyun’s throat, and Sungmin looked at him; confused.[use coma, not semi-colon]
Ch 10
“Don't say that,” Sungmin scolded him; sternly but softly enough that made Kyuhyun silent like a good boy.
Ch 4
Rainbows just; disappear.
Suggestion: Rainbows just...disappear.
[I personally think ellipses suits this situation more]
One golden rule in using semi-colon: make sure that both sentences before and after the semi-colon are complete clauses and are independent of each other. You can refer here to know better on the uses of semi-colons.
—Tense inconsistencies.
Ch 9
“You want him to stop being sad, aren’t you? [don’t]
Ch 10
What you did:
He wanted to brush those bangs off Hyukjae’s flawless forehead lovingly, crawling his hands and fingers around the slim waist and tickle them lightly, listening to Hyukjae’s giggles about being ticklish and sniff the scent that Hyukjae always emitted from the mixture of his colognes and perfumes.
Corrections:
He wanted to brush those bangs off Hyukjae’s flawless forehead lovingly, crawl his hands and fingers around the slim waist and tickle them lightly, listen to Hyukjae’s giggles about being ticklish and sniff the scent that Hyukjae always emitted from the mixture of his colognes and perfumes.
Ch 15
“I thought you guys are on a date?”
And then Lee Ae Ri came into the picture. She was a surgeon-in-training. A woman who knew dressing up doesn’t mean wearing expensive ’s dresses or patching make-ups like her face is a canvas. She doesn’t play tennis or golf or squash because her life is filled with books and books and medicine and people who needs her help. She called herself a nerd. And she wasn’t ashamed to admit that to Hyukjae despite they were still on their first date at that time.
[The ones that I underlined were in their respective past tense form, so the other verbs that I highlighted should be in their past tense too.]
Overall, your grammar mistakes lessen as the story progresses, and the amazing thing is? There were barely spelling mistakes.
Writing Style [8/10]
You tend to use the pronoun ‘he’ a lot. Unspecified ‘he’s. There were four main male characters in this ff, and there were more than a few times where I got confused as to which character you were referring to.
For example in Ch 17
“I thought you didn’t smoke,” he asked, entering the library as his fingers swiftly ing his suit and s out of it. Hyukjae chuckled as he hooked the lifeless suit on the backside of a chair near the chess table.
“I do, on special occasions. Like today.” He lifted his hand with the Columbian cigar nipped between his fingers, waving showily at Sungmin and offered another one from the silver case that he promptly took out from his slack’s pocket, and his brother rejected it without words.
There were occasions where your sentences were awkwardly structured too, but as a non-native speaker myself, I was afraid of making corrections on them, fear of ruining the messages that you intended on delivering.
Despite the occasional awkward sentence structures however, you surely have an admirable knack on wording the sentences, which in turn, helps with the drama in this ff. Never before had I had so many favourite quotes in an ff, but I’ve retrieved so many from you.
The scene where Hyukjae called Donghae after their nil interactions for example... I love how you set up the scene, with the alarm clock, the annoying fan...it felt so real.
Believability [4/5]
Sungmin coming back. I still can’t see the connection of him having to travel to other side of the world in order to transfer the company to Hyukjae. Maybe the skipped process made it quite unbelievable. I don’t know why but I felt it was surreal. Sungmin coming home still felt like a dream.
Despite this, I loved how you made Donghae the most under-employed man in this ff. It was already known that Donghae wasn’t a bright student, thus there was a slim chance that he would be successful in his career life. While other authors try to make all their characters somehow successful in their career lives despite not having excellent results during their school years, I admired the fact that you steered away from this clichéness.
Flow [9/10]
It was rushed in the first few chapters, but in the latter ones, it was mostly stable. Your improving and descriptive writing style majorly contributed to this.
Structure/Presentation [3/5]
The font type that you used throughout the ff was consistent, but the length of each chapter varied greatly from one another. The first few ones were short, but it became noticeably longer as the story progresses.
Enjoyment [4/5]
The drastic change in chapter length shied me away. To be honest, I’m not a fan of long chapters—there is usually too much information to recall and digest, and yours were no exception. I guess you are correct in your A/Ns, which stated that AFF readers preferred much shorter chapters ^^” I was quite excited for the considerable length in the first few chapters, but upon reaching the tenth chapter, I was taken aback, hence the major delay of the review.
Nonetheless, I especially enjoyed the latter chapters of this ff. I loved how descriptive the scenes were in these chapters; the way you set up the scenes was to be admired for.
As mentioned before, you had the knack in choosing which quote to use, you had the knack in wording your sentences, making them angsty and heart-tugging to read. You even managed to put me in a dilemma, whether to root for HyukHae or Hyukjae and Lee Ae Ri.
Bonus [+4]
I actually removed this section in my previous reviews because honestly, I didn’t know which aspects I should give the bonus points for. I was sure I had covered everything in the main rubric. But I must give some cookie points for you—your improvement was definitely commendable. The settings were attracting me too—they weren’t entirely unique, but they weren’t cliché either.
Total: 93/100
My notes:
I would like to apologize for not being helpful in terms of correcting the flaw in your writing style. If you wish this matter to be addressed more reliably, I suggest you seek reviews from others, preferably those who have better command in the language and sentence structures.
This was the first SuJu fic that I read, so I apologize if I didn’t catch their personal real-life traits that you included. But hey, this is definitely a must-read ff! The improvement that you made in this ff can be the inspiration to other writers that before being someone, you have to start somewhere <3 I notice that you’re starting on a spin-off on this story too, good luck!
I, on behalf of the whole Death Note staff, deeply apologize for the (super super) lateness of this review. Hopefully the review is still relevant to you, orz, I know how late this review is. I would like to apologize if I missed out some important advice that I’ve been intended to give, and thus not being able to come up with a decent review.
Thank you for requesting at Death Note Review Shop nonetheless! Please credit the shop once you pick-up the review :)
Alisa/LavenderAlisa19
18th November 2015
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