It's the second time of the day. I stood up and ran away from the dining table, leaving the yet untouched meal prepared for me. It wasn't long before the washroom's door was violently thrown open. I retched into the toilet bowl, finding a disgust of my vomit coughed out as I kneeled and cried involuntarily at the rough abdominal pain as well as my sore throat. I felt the gentle on my back, and knew it was the worried Kevin.

"You're sick. It's been a while since I saw you eat! What are you vomiting out?" I wipe my tears with the back of my hand and cough a bit before sitting down, tired.

"I'm fine.."

"Say that again after you look in the mirror! Your nose is bleeding Jonghyun!" Kevin exclaimed, appearing panicked. Confused, I touched the liquid flowing down my nose and was surprised at how bloody red it was.

"Whatthe..."

"I don't care what you say, I'm taking you to a doctor." Kevin declared and I looked up at him, about to protest, but not finding the strength as I was suddenly breathless. "I know you don't want to go because you're afraid Taemin would be alarmed. But if you love him, and he loves you, you should let him face it."

"No." I said, retracting my hand from his tugging. He was astonished and looked upset. "I'll go.. But I don't want any word to reach Taemin. I swear I---"

"Fine!" He agreed. "I'll keep it from him. So get up and let's go!" To his urge, I tried to stand up but failed. Kevin sighed, brushed away his anger and supported me out the room.

Maybe it's the pure whiteness of the surrounding, or the sterile smell of hospital that made me nausea along the way to the doctor's. I found myself retching again, this time barely made it to the washroom.

"I'm very sorry as to inform you," The doctor spoke, with much dissapointment and at the moment, all I could think about, was Taemin. What happened to him and what will happen to him... if something happened to me. I felt bad. Physically and mentally, and I dread the words that the Doctor wants to deliver.

It was this confusing moment, that put misery and gave me realisation, nothing will be as it is anymore.

"You have developed cancer. Your symptoms showed signs of Multiple Myeloma, cancer of plasma cells. We will have to run a few tests to ascertain if it would affect... mortality or Godwilling, not. I suspect it is due to genetic inheritance.." The doctor went on with a low voice, explaining the misfortune that fell upon me.

I didn't hear what he talked of. It hurts so much, I could barely believe I was alive. And to think about Taemin, tears cascading down his rosy cheeks of the dissapointment I'd give him, was like a stab in my mind.

It's not possible to fully recover from this illness and why God allow me to still suffer, I do not understand.

He must hate me so much.

It was the hardest thing to do. I love Taemin. But convinced myself, with much, much, much... resent, and hopelessness, to let him go. I don't want to bother telling him about this useless body I carry around and... Freed him to be his beautiful, enamour self for a better person and lead a better life rather than hear him weep or sob everyday because of me. No, I don't want that.

I pray, God, make him go away. For the pain of ceasing to love me, is not going to cost him his life. I know, he deserves a man worth enough to have him, a jewel, the only angel ever walked on Earth. I know, that I'm just a sickly man passing through his life. So he's going to be allright. He'll live, happier than ever. If I die, than it's allright. At least I'd be numb to the pain of bounded to Taemin in life.

I couldn't do anything without Kevin though. He was there, for me and I confessed, I cannot bring myself to love anyone, let alone him, my friend. He told me a tale. Of his once bethroted, that died of kidney failure. Since then, he couldn't fall in love with anyone as well. And so, he devised a plan, to help me accomplish what I want to. I was thankful beyond words. His kindness wasn't like any other.

I used Kevin, who was willing to act as my.. secret lover. I couldn't respire upon the hurt on Taemin's face, as he gripped his front shirt and stopped smiling, the day I revealed the lie. And since he ran, I couldn't forgive myself.

I knew, that was the last surge of Taemin's angelic smile for me.

Hours, days, weeks and months went by. Without Taemin, everything was grey. Everything was solemn. I can't help notice how ugly the world is. Treatment proved not a single benefit to me. I'd purposely avoid some of them, just to see if anyone really cares.

Then, I couldn't see anymore.

Severe eye-pain, headaches and frequent vomiting, which is not an alien to my life now has convinced Kevin to see me to an ophthalmologist. I declined, and heard his harsh complaints. He had to bring the doctor to me instead and I had no way to run.

I use cortisone daily as a treatment for my cancer and to stimulate appetite. The doctor explained that it was the cause for my diagnose, pigmentary Glaucoma. It was fine at the start of the stage. Then, I got the news that my blindness is irreversible.

That was the final straw.

Kevin was away to nowhere I could see or informed. I turned my house upside down, managing to get hurt here and there; An act to release my stress. Nothing matters anyway. Taemin's presence is gone, his scent is gone, his laughter is gone and god doesn't even permit me to look at places we were once together. If He won't end my life, then it's decided.

I end my life myself.






. . . . . . . .


I sigh as I rub the long scars along my wrist. I could only imagine how horrible it look now.

After years, I thought these memories wouldn't come flooding back. I thought I'd forget how the person named Taemin even look like.

But, no. Who can forget an angel you met among the sea of human? I wish I could tell him, that I was just thinking of him and it brought a smile to me.

Aside the crackling of fire, I hear the shift of door and immediately recognize the sound of footsteps.

"Oh.." Kevin murmured as I feel his presence stand next to my seat. "It's snowing."

"Really? Then today is.." Probably the day I first met Taemin at the airport.

I smile again as I felt happy I could still picture his small figure and his dearly missed lovely eyes.

I love you, Taemin. Happy anniversary.









**********

Hrm... feeling indifferent bout this chapter.. O well. At least my readers now know Jjong's situation. Spare him! He's actually very kind! T__T

Enjoy and comment. :)