After Tao had left the group it was hard on everyone but, like the “true professionals” that we were (or so they said) we still moved through everything. We had tried to continue on as if nothing was wrong.

Kai and Sehun chose this moment in our careers to finally go in the army and I was envious of their choice. I would have to wait another two years for them to come back before I was allowed. It would be ridiculous to have so many members gone at one time; after all we were down to only eight at this point.

We had been dubbed “Cursed EXO” by the media. They had run stories monthly that usually consisted of television memoirs of our career. “EXO, the band who only lasted a few years before everything started falling apart!”  I didn’t pay much attention to it, they were always looking for some new kind of storyline they could write about and I would let them have the satisfaction of renaming our band and saying whatever they wanted. Any kind of hell they made could never even come close to the actual hell that we were going through anyway.

Or maybe I didn’t try to fight them on anything because deep down I felt the same way. There was no doubt there had been a large shift in the band since Tao had left. I wouldn’t go as far as to say he was the glue that held us together (he wasn’t) but the way he left had scarred us all; though we would all never admit it. We all didn’t want to think about those horrific words. The fact that he blamed us.

Because, truthfully, we blamed ourselves too. Or, at least, I did. I had had nightmares relentlessly every night for months and months. One of the few times I had enjoyed sharing a room with our manager; I didn’t want the other members to hear my screams.

 I could see the effect of us falling apart in these times the best. Lay and Luhan were hardly ever around anymore; always flying back to China doing who knows what. Though we all suspected them of visiting our long lost member but really, who could blame them? Our “China-Line” had always been a tight-knit group.

SM had tried over and over to get us to continue on with our promotions and although we were tired out, we slowly but surely got back into the groove of things. And by the “groove of things” I meant that SuHo and I would show up to dance practice and sometimes sit alone for hours on end waiting for other members who we knew weren’t showing up.

I admired SuHo and his determination though. He had never missed a scheduled practice. He showed up every day with the same eye-smile on his face; dressed in his sweats as if he actually expected to get something done. I followed him without fail on these days, what else was I supposed to do anyway?

“Thanks for showing up, Minseok-hyung,” he would always say. “You wanna play cards while we wait for the others?”

I always obliged.

We had been just there the night that I truly started to believe our new media name.

SuHo had been chatting up a girl who was training with one of the newly debuted girl groups; her name still escapes me to this day. I had been lying down on the cool floor as I absentmindedly stared at the ceiling.

Our manager burst through the practice room door causing the girl to let out a slight yelp. His eyes were red and glistening and his breathing was heavy. I sat up, instantly sensing that something was wrong. He eyed the girl in the corner before training his eyes on us.

“We need to go,” he said shortly.

SuHo, without question, went to grab his coat and said a quick farewell to the girl. I, however, wasn’t as obedient. “Where?” I asked.

“Minseok, let’s go,” he said again, more authoritative.

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I don’t think so.”

He narrowed his eyes on me. “If you want to regret this moment for the rest of your life then go ahead and stay here. I’m not forcing you to come.”

I had never gotten up so fast.

He explained to us on the way what happened; something he didn’t want to say in front of the girl in the studio. “Don’t want the media to find out yet,” he said.

There had been an accident. Our members had gone out to who knows where in the city and had flipped their car while driving. I had never had so many thoughts running through my head than in that moment.

“Are they okay?”

“What about Yixing and Luhan? What about Sehun and Kai?”

“How exactly did this happen?”

“Who was it?”

Though I already knew the answer to the last one I asked anyway. In the time following Kris’ death and Tao’s sudden departure our members had chosen to deal with their problems in different ways. While SuHo and I threw ourselves in work, our other Korean members who were still around decided to roam the town and enjoy their celebrity lives instead. They felt the need to take full advantage of their fame while it was still around. I mean, who could blame them?

But, it always just one member I was less than thrilled with. It had become a well-known fact at SM that our dear doe-eyed D.O had never been inside what he portrayed on the outside. Most thought it was simply a matter of personally but we, the members, knew better of his sinister side.

Kyungsoo had never been able to deal with any kind of change or grief well. Other than Tao, he had taken Kris’ death the hardest.  He had started drinking shortly after that. And don’t get me wrong, we all drank. We drank a lot. We were young boys in the prime of our lives and living the dream. But as usual with Kyungsoo he always took things to the next level. A personality flaw.

Maybe if it was a different time then we would’ve noticed it more and would’ve been able to get him the help that needed. Sometimes I think that maybe if we would’ve mentioned it even at all then he would’ve stopped.

But we didn’t.

And he didn’t.

We had labeled them “the party gang;” Kyungsoo, Chen, Chanyeol and Baekhyun. It was funny at the time. And I can’t lie and say I didn’t join them some nights on their escapades sans the alcohol. They were my favorite group because they had always been the brightest members in little family. They were simply enjoying life and I loved the ways they were able to make me forget, even if it was only for a little while.

“Kyungsoo and Baekhyun are being transported to the hospital right now.”

“Where are Chanyeol and Chen?”  I asked. I could feel the tears prickling the corner of my eyes but I swiftly swiped them away. I could see SuHo in my peripheral vision as he just stared outside of the window as the car sped through the city. He was turning his thumbs in his hands, an obvious sign of the stress he was going through. I wanted nothing more to grab his hand and tell him it was okay. But I didn’t.

Our manager was silent after my question but we all knew he didn’t have to say any words. Like me, he had the inability to express what was needed to say with words and we were okay with that. Nothing he said could’ve helped ease the tension in the car anyway.

I watched as SuHo squeezed his eyes shut tightly and put his hands to his ears as if he was trying to block out some sort of imaginary sound.  He rocked back and forth and never moved from his position the entire quiet ride.

I remember the feeling of being angry. But not just any kind of angry, the angriest I’d ever been in my life as we walked into the hospital.

SuHo and our manager instantly went to the 5^th floor where Kyungsoo was; we were just told he was out of an emergency surgery. They didn’t notice as I slowed behind them and eventually pulled myself away. I couldn’t see him. I was too mad and I knew that all my rage would be bestowed onto him; the last thing I wanted.

But then, at the same time, I wanted him to know just what he did. I wanted to scream at him like Tao had done to us. I wanted him to know that he was to blame. Because, although nobody had yet said it aloud, I knew he was the one driving.

But it was the nightmares that made me think otherwise. If Kyungsoo survived this, I knew he would never forgive himself. And who was I to add more grief?

So, instead, I chose to make my way down to the emergency room. Nobody had said anything about Baekhyun so I figured that he was still down here somewhere. It was hard to catch my breath this time as I strode through the white hallways. They were bustling with people but I heard nothing. I could only see his face in my mind. Baekhyun. Funny, lively Baekhyun.

I paused only a moment to ask a nurse about his whereabouts. She frowned sadly as she told me to go around the corner into the private room. I held my breath as I walked toward it. The door was ajar and I peeked through. I could see a large group of people gathered around a tiny white bed with an even tinier, pale body on top of it.

I recognized his family members instantly; his mother, father, brother. Both of his hands were held tightly in their grips. I could see the tears streaming down their faces. The way some of them cried out told me that I had been too late.

I closed the door, leaned against it and squeezed my eyes shut. I told myself that I didn’t want to disturb his family in this moment, it was disrespectful. But as the picture of Kris that night from the television flashed through my mind I knew my actual reasoning. I tried to imagine Baekhyun the way he had always been; playing around, singing, laughing. I didn’t want to picture him dead in the hospital bed so instead I chose to imagine his face with color flushing to his cheeks. The way he smiled and laughed. The impact that I knew he would leave on this world.

I walked back out to the front slowly and ran into my counterpart on the way. I watched as he marched outside with a sense of purpose. I followed him closely trying to catch up; wanting to know what was happening.

The doors opened and the flashing of the cameras blinded me temporarily as I tried to look for SuHo in the crowd. I noticed him a little further up standing in front of a reporter who refused to get out of the way. I watched him clench his fists open and close as he tried to be as polite as possible to the man. Ever polite, Junmyeon.

“Tell us what happened!”

“Is it true that you lost four members today!?”

“What’s going to happen to EXO?”

“You're the leader! Why didn’t you take better care of your members?”

“What happened-“

He didn’t get to finish his last statement before I had finally reached him and collided my fist with his mouth. Blood splattered as he fell backwards onto the hard pavement. The flashing overtook us as people now yelled into my face; profanities and more questions. It was unexpected move from someone like me.

SuHo, however, didn’t even react. He simply looked down at the man and then up to me. His eyes were dead inside and he frowned, something I hardly ever saw on his expression. He nodded to me and then turned his attention to the gaggle of reports. My held my throbbing fist in my other hand.

“It’s over,” he said to the cameras. “EXO is over.”

SuHo and I had parted ways naturally; drifting apart. I don’t know much about what happened to his life after that. I read a lot about it in the newspapers, as most people did. I know he continued to stay in the music business mostly doing behind the scenes work. Something he was never destined for.

I know that after years and years of talking and going out with the same girl, the girl from the company that day our worlds fell apart, he finally got her to marry him.

I read about the trial and tribulations in their life. How badly SuHo wanted children (I knew this to be true) and how much she didn’t. I know he stayed with her despite it all because that’s the kind of guy he was. The last time I read about his personal life in the papers he was 48 and still childless.

And I know that a year after that, SuHo had died from a major heart attack. Even though I hadn’t seen him in over 15 years I always imagined he was happy at the time. And still is, wherever he is now.

But it still always causes that dull ache in my chest when I think about it.

Just like our short-lived musical career. SuHo was always the one who worked the hardest and longest at something only to not have it turn out the way he wanted. He was the one who deserved the most and was always handed the least.  His life was always unfair.

And for him, I cried.