When I was a kid, my grandfather was a preacher
He was a million miles from a million dollars
But you could never spend his wealth
- Preacher , OneRepublic

“Grandfather, are you awake?” I heard the soft voice ask. I recognized it instantly.

I opened my eyes and started at the small, black haired beauty that leaned over my bed. She smiled brightly at me instantly causing her eyes to form small crescents and I couldn’t help but grin back. She had her mother’s smile.

“I am, dear one. What are you doing here? Where is your mother?”

She frowned. “Mama went down to the cafeteria. She said she needed coffee for work tonight. She told me and Ji Ae to wait here.”

“And where is your sister?” I asked sitting up higher in the bed. All parts of my body ached but it was a feeling I had now grown accustomed to.

She shrugged. “Probably outside on her phone or something. I came inside to hear a story. Mama said not to bother you today but I know what’s happening.”

I frowned at her. At five years old I didn’t want her to know anything other than how to play with toys and sing twinkle twinkle little star. “What do you think is happening?”

She moved herself more onto the bed until she was kneeling on the side; her tiny frame barely taking up any room. I moved slightly to the side in order to let her in. Her presence was peaceful and comforting.

“Mama says you’re going to live with daddy in Heaven. But I told her I don’t want you to go too. I’ll miss you.”

I smiled sadly as I petted her head. She cuddled closer. I kissed the top of her head. “I’ll miss you too, my little bumblebee.”

“Grandfather Minseok!” she giggled as she playfully pushed my head away. I laughed beside her.

“So you said you came in for something?”

She brightened. “Yes, I wanted to hear a story. Just one more please, grandfather. One more before you have to go?”

“And which one do you want to hear?” I asked tickling her sides.

She giggled loudly. “I want to hear the one of the prince and the princess and their 12 dogs! It’s my favorite one!”

“Ah, good choice, little bee!”

“No. Jun See, go downstairs. Mother is looking for you,” another voice interrupted us. Jun See looked up and frowned at her older sister.

“Grandfather is going to tell me a story,” she tried to reason; a valid excuse in her head.

The eldest shook her head. “No, mother needs you. I will stay with him.”

“But-“ she tried again.

“No.”

She watched solemnly as the younger one begrudgingly got up from the bed and made her way toward the door. “Promise you won’t tell the story while I’m gone?” she asked.

I smiled at her. “I would never.”

She laughed once more before bouncing out the room. I turned to my oldest granddaughter, a spiting imagine of my late-wife when she was younger. She tucked her hair behind her ear as she awkwardly turned to me. I could see now that she was carrying a large brown book wrapped up in her arms.

“What do you have?” I asked.

She cleared , “Mom had us bring in a book.”

“What kind of book?”

“A photo album, I guess. It’s old. I don’t know who made it, probably grandmother though.”

“Can I see it?” I asked reaching my arms out.

She held on to it tightly, only moving slightly forward. “I looked through it. It’s a bunch of old pictures. I recognize most of the people in them.”

“Oh yeah? Your mother and father?”

She shook her head. “No,” she said hesitantly as she shifted her feet. I could see the uneasiness in her posture. “I recognize them from school, from music classes. You’ve never talked about them before but I’ve learned a lot about them.”

My heart sank with every word and I knew the frown was now evident on my face. Ji Ae quickly tried to backtrack as she stepped forward another inch with wide eyes. “I’m sorry, grandfather! I just wanted to know. Everyone always asks and I’m never able to tell them anything. I know you always say you’re not good at speaking, especially about this, but I just…I just want to know.”

I sighed while letting my shoulders drop. Deep down I knew it was now or never, right? My past was something I had never been able to move past no matter how much older I got every year. It was something that haunted me daily; a time that I was forever stuck in. Able to move forward, but never able to move on.

 “I know, my dear, I’m sorry.” I motioned for her to come closer and she did; taking a seat beside my bed as she placed the book in my lap. “What do you want to know?”

She thought for a moment as she carefully calculated her question. We both knew there wasn’t much time left and maybe that was the reason I was finally willing to share my story. Maybe it was finally time to let go.

“What happened? What happened to all of them?”

It was hard to think about and yet it was always there. Sometimes it was on the backburner, in the back of the mind as I was doing every day activities. Other days, it paralyzed me. I thought about nothing but it, them, for days on end. I couldn’t sleep. I hardly ate.

And yet, no matter how horrible it got, I could never do it. I could never do anything about the feeling because in reality there was nothing to do. And feelings are the one thing that should never be forgotten; bad or good.

I always knew, from the beginning, that I would probably be the last one. Yes, I was the oldest so the odds certainly were against me, but I was the best all-around. I was never the one who got in trouble. I never drank, did drugs, or did anything wrong. Looking at the others, by the end, it was easy to tell just exactly how they would all go out.

I remembered the day it began so clearly. It was the moment that triggered it all; that started the whole downward spiral. Though some would argue that it was “inevitable.”

I had been lounging in my bed back at the dorms. It had been an especially long day. We were preparing for one of our comebacks. I remembered how badly my back had been hurting that afternoon. Our choreography consisted of some kind of hip spinning that I knew I was way too old to be doing (only further proved by my backache).

I had been icing it when Tao burst through my door. I was used to this kind of behavior, especially from him. I didn’t get privacy anywhere especially not in a room that was supposed to be a sanctuary. No, that was too much to ask for.

“Dude, what the hell! Get out!” I yelled out. “I’m sick and tired of this and I’m not in the mood right now.” I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was tried and angry and just wanted to be left alone.

“It’s important,” he said softly.

“I don’t care,” I said rubbing my forehead. “Get the out.”

“Hyung…” he said again.

“I said get out, Tao. I don’t care about anything right now especially not one of your petty problems.”

“ you, Minseok.” He said back before slamming the door. I heard the break in his voice at the time but I didn’t even bother looking up at him. Tao was an emotional person, he was always crying about something. Why should it have been any different this time?

I remember waking up hours later to a dark, quiet room. It was unusual. Our dorm was never quiet. There was never a night that I could get a peaceful nights rest because with fifteen people living in a tiny home there was always bound to be someone awake doing something.

I got up out of bed, my back still hurting, and made my way to the living room. Dark and quiet. I the television.

I don’t know what compelled me to do it. I don’t watch tv. I hated tv. I hadn’t watched tv in years.

But I did. I turned it on and sat down; probably the best decision I could’ve made at the time.

His face flashed on the screen. He was on every single channel. I flipped through over 40 different ones and shook myself over and over just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming; that I wasn’t making it up.

I stared at the screen. The words being said didn’t matter, I couldn’t hear them anyway. I could only stare at him as he stared back at me. He wasn’t smiling in the picture because, let’s be real, he never smiled much in pictures anyway. His hair was dirty blonde which means they chose a picture that was at least a year old (he was black haired at the time, trying out something “new and exciting!”).  His haunting gaze really threw me for a loop. I wonder where they got the picture. I wonder who took it.

At that moment it didn’t matter then though. It didn’t matter that it would be that gaze that would be in my dreams for the next few years. What mattered were the words that were scrolling by under it. Those were the words, in their horrible bright red lettering as if they were bleeding off of the screen, which I could never forget.

‘BREAKING NEWS: [Confirmed] Wu Yi Fan, better known as EXO member Kris, found dead in hotel room.’

The feelings are what you remember the most in those moments, although they are the things that you most want to forget.

It was because of that feeling that, for the rest of my life, I could never sleep without sound again.

“How did he die?” Ji Ae asked in a hushed whisper as she rested her hand on top of mine.

It lingered over a picture of him that I had opened the photo album up to. It had been so long since I had seen his face. I enjoyed this picture so much more than the one from the news coverage. He had his head tilted back and he was laughing while holding his stomach. His eyes were clenched shut and his mouth wide open. This was the way he should’ve been remembered.

“It was a drug overdose,” I told her. “He had been going through a lot of his own personal struggles at the time. You know what they say, people are always fighting their own demons inside, even if you can’t see them.”  I looked down at him again but smiled this time. “But he would’ve hated it anyway.”

“Hated what?” she asked.

“Growing up. Getting old.”

She nodded. I could see her in a breath as she prepared her next statement. I waited patiently. 

“Tell me more, grandfather,” she said.