C h a p t e r  2 0

What happened in the following days and weeks was a lot of – mostly one-sided – talking, hugs and tears. Donghae was still in his own world most of the time but he slowly started to react to the touches and words of his visitors. If somebody would talk to him a lot, mostly about good things in the past or nice things that happened recently, Donghae would listen and maybe start to ask questions. Sometimes there would be real conversations but they usually didn’t last long; Donghae would stop talking after a while and space out again.

With Donghae reacting again, Mrs. Jung was finally able to start her therapy with him. She was very careful when she visited him in his room, always spoke with a soft and friendly voice and never pushed him too far. Donghae had been afraid at first when she had asked him to tell her about his past but once she had promised him that Eunhyuk would be allowed to stay with him, it had gotten better. Yet it had taken a lot of time until Donghae trusted her enough to tell her what had happened to him and the steps he took were very small – but he was moving in the right direction. Mrs. Jung had once told him that when he shared a memory with them it would lose its might over him because he didn’t keep it a secret any longer. He said that he always felt kind of relieved when he told something that had been torturing him and with Eunhyuk and the others replacing those memories with good ones, the voices in his head seemed to become quieter. They didn’t stop talking completely, though.

When somebody was with him and Donghae was busy with listening to them, it seemed like the brunet wasn’t hearing them at all. But sometimes they would come back, without warning and maybe overwhelming enough to make Donghae lose his voice again. It could be just a word or a move that reminded Donghae of something and he wasn’t reachable anymore. He would avert his eyes, his hands would start shaking while his body tensed up; when a memory started playing in his head there wasn’t much to do that could help him. Eunhyuk would always hug him and tell him that he was safe now and that they couldn’t hurt him anymore; when he was lucky those flashbacks didn’t last longer than a couple of minutes.

Panic attacks were rare, but they sometimes occurred when Donghae was with Mrs. Jung and told her and Eunhyuk about specific incidents. It was like he relived those memories while talking about them and the fear and helplessness from that time hit him full force; Mrs. Jung knew some methods to calm him down when it was needed but that didn’t mean that she was always successful.

Donghae still had nightmares every night and if they wouldn’t sedate him after waking up, he wouldn’t be able to find some rest. He would talk about his dreams when Eunhyuk would ask him to, but what he heard then simply made him speechless. There were times when he wished Donghae would stop talking because he couldn’t stand hearing it anymore and he slowly understood that Donghae was right when he had told him that there hadn't been a single day where they had left him alone. The violence the brunet had experienced wasn’t always physical, in fact that was rather rare. No, it were the words they had said to him, the insults and threats that had smashed his self-esteem and had taken his ability to love himself. Because when there are people telling you every day that you are nothing, that you are worthless and that the world would be glad if you wouldn’t exist – then you'll start believing it.

Eunhyuk didn’t know about it but he was afraid that Donghae was still thinking that way. That he had only been loved for his looks if any, that the fans only had cheered for him because they hadn't known about his uality and that Eunhyuk only stayed with him because of his body. The raven head had proofed his love to him in so many ways now, but yet he wasn’t sure if it had been enough. Donghae had tried to kill himself – and Eunhyuk was just so, so afraid that he would try it again.

He had talked with Mrs. Jung about it, had asked her what he should do when the time would come that Donghae was about to be discharged from the hospital. She had told him that thinking about this still was a long way off because right now Donghae only felt safe in his room and leaving it always cost a great deal of effort. It would be a lot of work to make him understand that there hadn't change that much after the video had been published and that the whole world didn’t hate him or would try to hurt him like his former comrades had made him believe it would. Donghae had to learn again that there were people loving him for whom he was – and that he shouldn’t care about anything else.

Though the members and his family always told him how much they loved him, Donghae couldn’t really express his feelings. But he didn’t have to anyway; his actions spoke for themselves. The way he hugged them when they sat down next to him and how he didn’t let them go for hours, the way he asked them to stay longer when they were about to go – he wouldn’t be able to stand all of this if they wouldn’t be with him.

"I actually think that he wouldn’t be able to stand all of this without you", Leeteuk had once told Eunhyuk and the latter had been surprised by that.               
It had been the day after he had made Donghae eat again by stuffing his mouth with sea food and telling the younger how delicious it was. It had taken all his will to not immediately spit it out again and every bite had made him feel more nauseous; Donghae had asked him why he was eating it because he knew that Eunhyuk didn’t like it all – this had been one of the first sentences Donghae had spoken of his own free will.

"Why do you think that?"

"Hyukjae, he acts different when you are around. He talks more, he trusts you more… In fact, you were the one who made him talk. If it wasn’t for you he would still be speechless and we wouldn’t be able to help him. He's really depending on you; it's like you're the light in the darkness around him. You are the reason why he is getting better, we are only embellishments."

"Hyung, that's not true-"

"You are really important to him, Hyukjae. I… don’t want to think about what would happen if you would let him down."

"That's something I would never do and you know that."

"Yeah, but… Please be aware of the responsibility lying on your shoulders."

Eunhyuk couldn’t do wonders, though. All he could do was to reach his hand out for Donghae and there were times when the younger didn’t take it. He wasn’t sure if he didn’t want his help or if he couldn’t accept it; he always hoped for the latter.

***

"Oh, look. Do you remember what happened here?"

Eunhyuk held the tablet computer in his hands a bit higher to give Donghae a better view. The brunet sat between the raven head's legs, his back resting against Eunhyuk's chest and his head on the other's shoulder. They had been sitting like this for a while now and they sat like that every day; it had become a daily routine to them.             
He felt the other nodding against his shoulder.

"You do? Can you tell me about it?"

It took a moment before the younger started speaking with a very low voice that sounded kind of raspy. "This was in Paris… Kyuhyun and Sungmin-hyung were really drunk that night."

The raven head chuckled and let his eyes travel over the picture of a grinning Kyuhyun with two wine bottles in his hands. "That's right. I still don’t know who thought it was a good idea to go to a wine tasting session with them…"

His finger brushed over the screen to show him the next picture and he let out a laugh as he saw Heechul dressed up as a girl, wearing a wig, high heels and straps. He couldn’t see Donghae's face so he didn’t know if the other was smiling or expressed any other emotion on his face. It would be a surprise to see anything like that; Donghae's face had stayed blank during all those days.

"Do you remember that?" the elder asked and had to wipe a tear out of the corner of his eye as he saw the weird look in Heechul's eyes that was most likely intended to be seductive. Donghae had to think for a while.

"This was after one of our Super Shows", he eventually mumbled. "Hyung said he really liked the lipstick so he was still wearing it when we arrived at the hotel. The receptionist kept staring at him like he was a ghost."

Eunhyuk burst out laughing once more and nodded his head a few times. "Yeah, she couldn’t even avert her eyes. Or that one time when we put Youngwoon-hyung in all this stuff and he was just so embarrassed… He said he couldn’t wear that on stage right after coming back from the ar-"

The rest of his sentence was stuck in his throat and he quickly coughed to get rid of it. With his finger brushing over the screen he searched for another picture and started telling something he wouldn’t be able to remember five minutes later; Donghae seemed to stay calm so he hoped that the younger hadn't realized what he had been about to say.

"I remember this", Donghae suddenly mumbled as Eunhyuk swept over the screen once more. The elder stopped and noticed with a smile how Donghae put his hand on top of his own; maybe he was just imaging it but he thought it felt warmer every day.

"Really?" he asked, looking at the screen that showed a picture of almost all members on a beach, grinning from ear to ear. "Where was this, then?"

"Hawaii", Donghae said without the slightest bit of hesitation. "This was in Hawaii two years ago."

'And only a few days before all the bad things started happening', Eunhyuk thought and felt something akin to longing as he saw the blending smile on Donghae's lips as he stood there, one arm around his shoulder. Back then, when they had been allowed to touch each other without people sending glances towards them.

"Did you like it there?" he asked and Donghae was quick to nod. "What did you like the most about being there?"

Donghae tilted his head to the side a tiny bit, eyes glued to the screen and reached out his hand to let his fingers tap against it, pointing at the crystal clear water behind them. "This", he said and he reminded Eunhyuk so much of a child.

"The ocean?" he asked and heard a soft hum as his reply. "Would you like going there again?"

This time it took Donghae very long to show him a reaction. The hand on top of his own left him and he heard the shaky breath the other let out. Eunhyuk let the tablet sink down immediately and hugged him tight; he still tried to understand the way Donghae was thinking and he wasn’t that successful yet. The younger's reactions sometimes could be very unpredictable.

"Hey… Everything's alright."

"I don’t know if it's possible", Donghae whispered. "I don’t know if we can go there again."

"Why do you think that?" Eunhyuk softly asked. "Everything is possible and if you want to go there, I'll take you there."

Donghae didn’t seem convinced as he tilted his head more towards Eunhyuk, hands resting on the latter's arms. "I'm scared", he whispered.

"What are you afraid of?"

The younger's breathing became shaky again and Eunhyuk quickly pecked his forehead in an attempt to soothe him. He started to slowly rock him back and forth, rested his head on the younger's and made some hushing sounds to make Donghae relax.

"Believe me, everything's fine; there's no need to be afraid", he whispered. "Please don’t worry about anything."

"But-"

"Ssssh… Let me make a promise. Once you're feeling better I'll take you to Hawaii, okay? We'll spent all day on the beach, let the sun warm up our skin, go swimming – everything you want. How does that sound?"

Donghae sighed silently, his thumb brushing over Eunhyuk's arm. "Wonderful", he whispered.

A bright grin flashed over Eunhyuk's face and he hugged him closer, pecking him once more. "Then it's settled! Ah, I can't wait. I bet the others will be jealous as hell to hear this…"

Donghae hesitated for a moment before he spoke again, his voice just as silent as before. "Can they come along?"

"You want them to come with us?" Eunhyuk asked a bit surprised. "Are you sure about that? …Just imagine how Heechul-hyung will grumble all day long that he surely get burned by the sun if he leaves the shady places for a second even though he's covered with sun blocker from head to toe. He already did that one time, remember? Or Jongwoon-hyung – imagine what happens if he sees a turtle. Kyuhyun complaining how there isn't any internet connection on the beach, Sungmin-hyung we