C h a p t e r  10

During the time after the accident Donghae became clingier – no matter what condition he was in. If he was happy he didn’t leave Eunhyuk's side; when they left the dorm it was always hard to distract him so much that he left more than a few steps of air between the both of them. When he was his normal self he also stayed close to Eunhyuk but he still controlled himself. They had searched the whole dorm one day, and it seemed like Donghae now also was convinced that there were no cameras around. He had even developed a tiny bit of trust towards the other members; when they were around he dared to stay close to Eunhyuk and keep talking to him at least.

Eunhyuk and Donghae didn’t waste any words on the day of the accident; Eunhyuk didn’t ask whether it even had been an accident to begin with or if Donghae had heard what they had been talking about. The argument with the other members about how they could help Donghae to get clean wasn’t finished either. Even though they all had this voice in the back of their heads telling them that this addiction had to end as soon as possible, it became more normal with every passing day. They all thought that Donghae was able to control it – and it really seemed like he could do that. He didn’t take more than two shots per day; one to survive his schedules and the other one to go to sleep. Eunhyuk always tried to restrain him as long as he could from another shot and Donghae only did it when his body started aching or the fear was too much to handle. The other members then would watch him and make sure that he didn’t say or do the wrong things; fans and the media started to see him as the cheerful Donghae again, just like two years ago.

Practice also became easier. Donghae always tried his best to dance without the influence of drugs and even though they had to take breaks more often because of him, they made advances. When they were at the studio to record new songs the progress was slow but it was there. This was depending on two things though: there had to be as less people as possible and Eunhyuk had to stay close to Donghae. As soon as he left the room Donghae would start to get nervous and uneasy. Yesung once said that Donghae was becoming even clingier than he had been before but that was totally okay with Eunhyuk. He didn’t mind spending every single minute of the day by the others side if that meant that he could help him to get away from his addiction.

***

It had been a long day at the studio for both Eunhyuk and Donghae. They finally knew what songs they were going to sing for their solos; Eunhyuk's song was fast and danceable while Donghae's was a little slower. But both of them would have choreos to take the fan's breath away – SM still had to spruce up their image.

Eunhyuk entered Donghae's room after taking a long and hot shower, his hair still wet and he was drying it with a towel. A grin appeared on his lips as he saw the other sitting on his bed.

"Hey", he said silently and threw his towel over the next chair he saw. Donghae lowered the cell in his hand and looked up; a soft smile curling his lips.

"Hey", he replied just as silently and watched how Eunhyuk locked the door and sat down beside him. Locking the door was Donghae's only condition for sleeping in the same room. Eunhyuk accepted it even though he knew that the other members wouldn’t enter their rooms without knocking. They never had.

Eunhyuk pressed a soft and gentle kiss on the other's lips before reaching out his hand for the younger's almost dried hair. In the morning they had been to a hairdresser to cut it; Donghae's hair was now brown again while Eunhyuk's hair had stayed black.

"How are you?" he asked with a low voice, letting his eyes travel over every detail of Donghae's face. He had noticed that the younger's pupils were narrowed when he was drugged so it made him even more happy that they had a normal size at that moment.

"I'm fine", was the quiet reply and it was the first time Eunhyuk thought that Donghae meant what he said. During the last couple of days he and the other members had done everything possible so Donghae would feel comfortable when he was home; they wanted him to be free from fear so the need of taking drugs because of fear was as small as it could be. And their work was worth while. It was the little things that showed them that Donghae was slowly beginning to trust them again. A weak smile now and then, the sparkle in his eyes – it was all coming back; even though it was just for a short moment. When he was comfortable – and that was mostly the case when he was alone with Eunhyuk – he could stay without drugs for hours. Eunhyuk took away his anxiety and it only returned with the first withdrawal symptoms or calls of the managers. But even though he slowly learned how to control his addiction; he was still ill and that was something nobody forgot.

Donghae's state of mind varied highly during a day but by now they all had gotten a feel for his behavior. They knew when he was feeling well and how he acted when the withdrawal started and there wouldn’t be many hours left before he would disappear for some time. They knew how it looked like when he was high and how it was when he started to come down from his high. But no one dared to stop him again from doing what he needed to do every day. Eunhyuk only begged him to be careful and that seemed to work; the last couple of days had passed without an incident.

Eunhyuk's grin broadened and he leaned forward to steal another kiss from Donghae. They kissed tenderly, letting their lips brush against each other like they always did when it was just the both of them in this room. After separating, it was Donghae who reached out his hand for the other's hair, sliding his fingers through it while looking at him with those beautiful eyes. A soft smile flashed over Donghae's face before he pulled Eunhyuk closer to kiss him again. After a few innocent pecks it was also Donghae who let his tongue slip out of his mouth to let it run over Eunhyuk' upper lip. The latter opened his mouth eagerly, letting their tongues meet carefully at first but they both became braver with each passing second.

Both of Donghae's arms were wrapped around Eunhyuk's neck while the latter laid one hand on his boyfriend's thigh and the other at his waist. As their kiss was becoming more passionately, his hand slipped underneath the thin fabric of Donghae's shirt, his thumb caressing the warm skin. The younger came closer, leaned into the other's touches as his fingertips ghosted over Eunhyuk's arm; the latter's hand travelled continuously over Donghae's thigh. A soft moan left the brunet's lips – and Eunhyuk immediately stopped kissing him. He leaned back a tiny bit so he could see the other's face better but this movement was enough to bring that insecure look back to Donghae's eyes. The younger let go of him instantly.

"I'm sorry", Donghae whispered quickly and turned away slightly; the fingers of his good hand started to nervously play with the bandage of his injured one. Eunhyuk took them carefully in his, squeezing them softly but Donghae still avoided his gaze.

"Please look at me", he said just above a whisper; Donghae hesitated for a brief moment before he obeyed. Eunhyuk didn’t like this insecurity in his eyes; he knew that the younger was beset with self-doubts and that he was still ashamed of the things he had done during his military service even though Eunhyuk had already forgiven him. "I stopped because I don’t want us to rush things, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong."

Donghae smiled but this time it looked forced, his quick nodding only making it more obvious. "Yes", he mumbled and let his eyes fall to the floor but Eunhyuk didn’t give up that easily. He curled his fingers under Donghae's chin and made him look up; their lips met and he did his best to prove that he was telling the truth.

"I love you", he whispered. "And that won't ever change, you hear me?"

Donghae nodded again and a short smile appeared on his face even though he wasn’t completely convinced. Eunhyuk engulfed him in a hug, pressed his body close to his own and breathed in the other's scent before pressing a short kiss on his temple and letting go.

"Bed time!" he grinned, crawled to the other side of the bed and tucked himself up before he patted the empty spot beside him invitingly and spreading his arms.

Donghae smiled to himself but then he turned around to open one of the bedside cabinet's drawers. The grin on Eunhyuk's lips disappeared immediately because he knew what would come next.

"Donghae", he called out softly, making the other stop. "Can you try to… stay without it tonight?"

He heard Donghae gasp and saw how he quickly shook his head.

"No, I… I need it to fall asleep. It will take hours for me to fall asleep without it and I don’t want to have nightmares again, I-"

"Donghae", Eunhyuk called again, interrupting the other's flood of words successfully. The brunet became silent and slowly turned around; his fear and insecurity clearly visible on his face. Eunhyuk spread his arms again and waited patiently until Donghae came closer, hugged him and rested his head on his shoulder. "Do you trust me?" he asked silently as he let his fingers slide through the younger's hair.