Chapter Nineteen: Like I Can 

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“You’re okay…” He whispered for the thousandth time, almost like a mantra.  

Yet, Baekhyun couldn’t stop trembling. The incident at the Do’s had left him in a state of shock but what had really got him was the words that had been uttered by the woman. 

He couldn’t shake off the feeling that something was going to happen. Something that would go beyond whatever that had thus far been thrown at him.  

“I’m not upset about getting pushed the ground, or kicked in the leg,” Baekhyun began calmly, only to get a muttered curse in response. The hands moved to his right leg before moving on to his left, rolling up the pants till an unsightly bluish black mark greeted him. 

Baekhyun heard the man inhale sharply, another curse leaving his lips. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Baekhyun said nonchalantly.  

“Why aren’t you…” 

“Upset?” Baekhyun finished the sentence for him. He gave a curt nod.  

“She said something,” Baekhyun continued, a distant look in his eyes. “I-I can’t help but think that something bad is going to happen.” 

The tall blonde stood up just then and didn’t hesitate to pull Baekhyun into an embrace. 

“Nothing bad is going to happen. I won’t let it,” Kris said resolutely. The man felt Baekhyun nod against his chest, soothing the worry he’d felt since he first found Baekhyun in a dishevelled state. Baekhyun allowed himself to drown in Kris’ company for a moment. He still felt awkward but he was getting better at it; skin ship with others. If anything, Kris had done nothing but to make him feel better about himself and the situation he’d been into. 

Baekhyun suddenly pulled away, gently pushing the hands that were holding him. 

“What’s wrong?” Kris questioned with a deep frown, though not going any closer than he’d been pushed to just in case he’d made Baekhyununcomfortable. 

Baekhyun shook his head. “No—You.” He glanced at the man. “I’m getting mud all over your shirt,” Baekhyun said softly, nodding at the dirty marks he’d cause on Kris’ front. 

Kris merely chuckled. “It’s nothing to worry about. Just a little Fab would get all this dirt off.” 

“I’m more concerned about your bruises.” Kris’ frown returned. Baekhyun couldn’t help the sardonic laughter that escaped his lips. He gave a small wry smile when Kris looked confused. 

“My father was an alcoholic. You know what follows. I was left to pay off his debt to the owner of the bar you have now. You know the story.”Baekhyun shrugged. "I've had worst..." Baekhyun was referring to the faded scars that littered his torso and back. 

“But…” Kris hesitated, trying his best to keep the shock to himself. “Does Chanyeol know?” He asked lowly. 

“He did.” 

“And he…” Kris shook his head in disbelief. Chanyeol knew so much about Baekhyun’s past and yet he’d let it happen to Baekhyun again. He couldn’t believe it. 

“Pity can only get you so far,” Baekhyun said with another shrug. 

Kris opened his mouth to say something, to protest, but he thought better of it and kept his thoughts to himself. He never knew Park Chanyeolbefore this. He would never know if Chanyeol had really loved the brunet man sitting before him. What he knows, though, is that Chanyeol had his turn and it was over. The ball was now in his court.  

“Baekhyun…” 

Said man glanced up to look at the other in the eyes. In that moment he could see nothing but sincerity, and he wondered, for a brief moment, if he was imagining things. It was the same look Chanyeol had given him that first night they’d met. 

“…Byun Baekhyun…” 

Baekhyun watched in quiet contemplation as Kris got on his knees before him. Even so, they could finally meet each other’s eyes.  

Kris held his hand with such gentleness and tender care; something Baekhyun had been missing from Chanyeol for years. 

“If I told you…” Kris brought one of his hands up, tentatively, eyes gauging the younger man’s reaction, “If I said that I’m serious about wantingto win your heart…” 

Baekhyun’s breath hitched at those words. A pair of lips grazed across his knuckles. 

“What would you say?” 

As expected, Baekhyun shook his head. "I-I can't..." 

Baekhyun lifted his gaze to look squarely into Kris' eyes, hands pushing the man gently away yet again. "I made the mistake of letting Chanyeolfall for me out of pity... I can't trap you to that too." 

"This isn't pity, what I feel for you." Kris frowned. 

"How can you be so sure?" Baekhyun challenged, eyes turning cold out of self-defence. 

"Because I think I love you despite your past," Kris said simply. He sat back on his heels. "Whatever you're going through right now... I can't see any of that." 

"I'm selfish," Kris continued, holding Baekhyun's attention. "I'm so god damn selfish, but I'm not afraid to say this. When I look at you I don't see a divorcee with two kids. I don't see a battered man with a bloodied past, or someone who cries himself to sleep every night." 

Baekhyun flinched at those words; he knew he wasn't so subtle about it but being called out for it by Kris, of all people, only made the reality of it all sound absolutely pathetic. 

"What I do see, Baekhyun, is a man with lovely eyes..." Before he knew it, Kris hand was cupping his chin. "Your eyes... I dream about them all the time," Kris whispered in musing. 

"I see a man with a smile that makes most of my crappy mornings. I see someone with the kindest and most selfless heart, with courage that burns like an undying flame," Kris paused, an absentminded chuckle leaving his lips. "When I think about you I can't help but smile, even when I'm by myself." 

"I'm a lovesick fool for you, Byun Baekhyun. How could you have not already seen it when it's obvious even to the most oblivious of people?" 

"I see it..." Baekhyun admitted in a small voice after the longest silence. "I always see it, and to be honest it scares me senseless." 

Baekhyun gathered his courage and took the chance to meet Kris' eyes once more. The sincerity in them was what terrified him the most. It was awfully reminiscent of the look Chanyeol always sent his way whenever their eyes met in the early stages of their relationship. It was a constant reminder to Baekhyun of what he'd lost, and it hurt more than he could ever say. 

But this was Kris. The man who made Baekhyun see that there was light at the end of this hopelessly dark tunnel. Baekhyun felt safe with him. He felt welcomed with the warmth; but on top of it all, Baekhyun felt loved. 

"Honestly," Baekhyun continued, voice low and eyes dark, "I don't think I would have made it if you hadn't come for me that day." 

"Please don't say that," Kris said gravelly, eyes clenched tight in hopes of ridding himself of the flood of unwanted thoughts. 

"But I'm better now," Baekhyun assured him. "Not entirely good, but I'm getting there." 

"That's..." Kris sighed in relief before flashing him a smile. "You have no idea how happy I am to hear that." 

Baekhyun gave a tiny smile in return. 

His frown returned. "I can't promise anything..." He said apologetically. "I don't know when I'll be ready again... if I ever will be." 

"I'm not looking to replace Chanyeol in your heart," Kris said assuredly, "I know it's unquestionable. But we don't have to find the solution to everything today, Baekhyun. What you can be certain with is that you'll always have a friend in me." 

"Yixing 2.0?" Baekhyun teased with a smile. Kris leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. 

"I'll take what I can get." 

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"What's got you in a sour mood?"  

Chanyeol acknowledged Jongdae's presence with an annoyed grunt, not bothering to lift his gaze from the computer as he typed angrily away at his report. Jongdae sighed, setting the take-away meal on the table before circling the desk to get to his lover. 

"I'm not in the mood," Chanyeol said gruffly, attempting to shrug off the hands that were working on his tensed shoulders. Jongdae was stubborn and relentless, Chanyeol would give him that. Instead of being put off, he tightened his hold on Chanyeol's shoulders and continued to massage the muscles there. 

As annoyed as Chanyeol was, he wasn't mad at Jongdae, and welcomed his soothing hands this time. 

"God that feels good," Chanyeol moaned, giving in to the treatment. Jongdae grinned, thoroughly satisfied, before moving to unpack the meals. He prepared them both and handed one to Chanyeol who graciously accepted it with a muttered thanks.  

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" Jongdae prompted as soon as they had begun to dig in. He waited patiently for the man to swallow his first mouthful. 

"Sehun told me something," Chanyeol began, his frown returning as he recalled his conversation with his youngest son on their way to school that morning. "He asked if our family was going to get bigger." 

Jongdae's heart skipped a beat. It sounded a lot like Sehun was asking if Chanyeol was going to marry him. Jongdae loves Chanyeol, sure. The prospect of being married to Chanyeol was endearing. But he wasn't ready. They rarely talked about marriage. One day, Jongdae was certain he'd want the long-term commitment. As for now, he knew that neither of them were nowhere near ready. Chanyeol's only getting out of a marriage and he still wanted to travel a little, meet new people. He couldn't do much of that with a family -- especiallly one with kids. 

"What did you tell him?" Jongdae wondered, tossing his food about in the container. 

"I said yeah, probably. I told him that we were committed to each other but I didn't say anything more. It's not something that's happening anytime soon. We talked about this. That's not the point though," Chanyeol said, pressing on, "He asked me if I knew whether "Uncle Kris" was going to become one of us." 

Chanyeol scoffed at those words. Jongdae, on the other hand, looked rather pleased. 

"Kris has a thing for Baekhyun?" Jongdae asked, face considerably brighter than it had been when the topic was about them.  

Chanyeol stared at Jongdae. "You're joking, right?" 

"So Kris likes Baekhyun?" Jongdae pestered, ignoring the look of disbelief on the tall man's face. "Did he ask him out? Are they together or something? Sehun wouldn't have asked if there wasn't anything going on between them, right?" 

"What are we, twelve?" Chanyeol rolled his eyes. 

Jongdae frowned. "You're kinda acting rather childish right now..." 

Chanyeol spluttered. "W-What? You're the one playing match making." 

"I'm not playing match make," Jongdae retaliated, "I'm just wondering if they were together. I mean, I could see the way Kris was looking atBaekhyun in the kitchen at Sehunnie's birthday party." 

"No one looks at someone the way he does at Baekhyun. It's the look of someone who's completely smitten," Jongdae said as a matter-of-factly.Chanyeol's face was permanently set in a scowl as he finished up the last of his food and tossed the container into the bin nearby. Chanyeolknows what being smitten feels like. He knows what it looks like. It was the same look he'd seen on himself in candid pictures of Baekhyun and himself all those years ago. He'd rather not be reminded of it. Lately he'd been having mixed feelings. It still hurt to remember how happy and in love he was with Baekhyun but this time it came with a renewed sense of longing. Chanyeol's been spending sleepless nights wondering if the longing was strong enough to translate into determination to give their marriage another shot. 

"Are you upset about it?" Jongdae finally broke the silence after an intent look at the other man. 

Chanyeol shook his head, letting it fall into his hands at the emotional exhaustion he felt. In a second, Jongdae was by his side once more, gentle hand carding through his hair. 

"There's something you're not telling me..." Jongdae whispered wistfully, almost knowingly. 

For a long moment, neither of them said anything. It was only when he felt the soft tremors running through Chanyeol's body and the quiet sniffles that Jongdae realized the man was crying. 

"It's okay..." Jongdae said quietly, trying his best to sound reassuring.  

It was a long time coming. 

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Chanyeol ended up telling Jongdae about everything. He hadn't meant to hide it from him. He had, of course, initially planned to tell Jongdaeabout the talk he'd have with Baekhyun but for some reason or another Baekhyun had changed his mind about whatever they'd agreed on.Baekhyun's unspoken decision was clear as day to Chanyeol when he outrightedly chose Kris over himself. 

Chanyeol thought he could do it. Pretend the talk didn't happen and move on from it. But hearing his youngest son speak about Kris potentially becoming someone Baekhyun would love in the future only made him feel an overwhelming sense of regret and sadness. 

As cliché as it was, he only realised what he'd lost when he no longer had it. 

"I'm sorry..." Chanyeol said for the countless time. Despite the fact that he absolutely did not deserve it, Jongdae still cared for him and continued to show understanding of the situation. 

"Maybe it's because I've known it all along," Jongdae admitted with a resigned sigh. "I've never told you this, but even when you were repeatedly asking for a divorce, I could see the immense hurt in his eyes. I could feel the unconditional love he had for you, Chanyeol." 

Chanyeol could only groan as he was subjected to the torture of recalling all the times he'd hurt Baekhyun. The saying was true -- that no one could read a situation well enough quite like the third party could. Chanyeol might have been blind to Baekhyun's unwavering love but Jongdaehad seen it all this time. 

"I admired him so much for it," Jongdae whispered longingly, a bitter chuckle leaving his lips. "I thought to myself, 'how could someone still loveso much despite being repeatedly hurt?' And then it hit me: Baekhyun knew he would never fall out of love with you but he loved you so much he wanted whatever that would make you happy." 

"Your friend Yixing talked to me at Sehun's birthday party," Jongdae began suddenly, as if remembering something. He had an odd look in his eyes; one Chanyeol could not place. 

"He told me something I've been meaning to tell you as soon as you realize what a huge mistake it is to be letting Baekhyun go." 

"What is it?" Chanyeol prompted nervously. 

"That Baekhyun will never find someone who means what you mean to him." 

"And that is?" Chanyeol held his breath. 

"Home." Jongdae gave a sad smile. "You are and will be the only home Baekhyun will ever have." 

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