Chapter Twelve: It's Not Okay

...I'm back. :-B

p/s: proper a/n on another update!

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"You shouldn't have done that."

Jongdae couldn't help the frown that creased into his forehead as he pried himself out of his boyfriend's hold, lightly pushing the man's reaching hands away from him. 

"He wouldn't have stopped calling, I know him," Chanyeol replied with a nonchalant shrug, leaning in to peck Jongdae's cheek instead. Jongdae forced the other back to his own side of the bed, expression dead serious.

"It could have been an emergency," Jongdae chided.

"What sort of an emergency? And why would he need me to help him with it?" Chanyeol challenged. 

"I don't know..." Jongdae muttered, thinking hard, "You're his friend now, remember?"

Chanyeol sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm trying to take things slow. Didn't we agree I should?"

"Yeah, but..." Jongdae pursed his lips, "I can't help but feel like he needs you more than he's letting on. I mean, you guys are getting a divorce. You have me, your family... but he hasn't got anybody. Has it ever occurred to you?"

"He's got Yixing-hyung," Chanyeol countered, but Jongdae merely shook his head. 

"And? How about his family? Didn't you tell me that he didn't have anyone at all when you met him?"

'Don't take my kids away from me. They're all I have."

Chanyeol felt guilt creeping at Jongdae's words. He looked down at his hands, feeling Jongdae's eyes bore into him.

"He didn't... he doesn't."

Jongdae smiled. He reached for Chanyeol's phone that had been turned off and handed it to the man.

"Call him." Jongdae ordered, though it sounded more like a permission than anything else. "Ask him if he's okay, or if he needs us to help him with anything."

Rather hesitantly, Chanyeol accepted the device and did as he was told. This time though, it was Baekhyun who let it go unanswered. Jongdae watched him with crossed arms, giving him a small smile in encouragement every time he would redial the number. After the third unsuccessful attempt, however, Chanyeol tossed the phone back onto the bed.

"Well, maybe he doesn't need any help anymore--"

Jongdae's words were cut off by the phone ringing. Chanyeol grabbed the vibrating device, confused when he saw that it was Yixing calling him instead.

"Hey, hyung, what--"

"--THERE! YOU'VE FINALLY DONE IT, PARK CHANYEOL!" Chanyeol cringed at the fury in the Chinese man's tone, his voice awfully shrill and loud on the other line. Jongdae's eyes flew wide open in surprise.

Chanyeol couldn't even get a word in as Yixing let out a few strings of curses, mostly in Mandarin, shocking Chanyeol. The man hardly ever cursed; he had always been someone who could keep his composure. When he was finally done, he was breathing so heavily that it sounded to Chanyeol as if he had just run a marathon.

There was a loud swallow before Yixing's voice returned, sounding low and threatening, "You've finally broke him, and I hope you're happy you did."

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"Baekhyun..."

The said man remained closed off from the world around him, choosing to stay in the self-inflicted haze around himself so that all the emotional pain he had bore all this time was nothing but a mere numbing sensation. Baekhyun didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to be constantly reminded of how he deserves everything that has happened to him. All his life he has been abandoned, so why should it be any different now? 

He couldn't even cry anymore. He was just so exhausted he allowed himself to curl up against the railings, burying his face into his arms as if the darkness could make him forget. 

Forget everything. Forget Chanyeol, forget the children he had let down, forget that he deserved whatever that had happened to him.

He vaguely registered himself being gathered into a pair of strong arms but he refused to look up. If the man would just leave him alone.

He hadn't realised he'd been freezing till his shivering body welcomed the heat that came from the inside of a car as he wounded the coat that had been put over him tighter around himself. Baekhyun was grateful for the tall man's sensitivity, allowing him to keep to himself the whole ride.

Eventually he fell asleep to the steady lull of the car's engine, exhausted from the night's events.

But even in slumber Baekhyun was unable to escape from the taunts of how unworthy he was of Chanyeol's, or anyone's for that matter, love. 

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"I can't believe it."

"Believe what?" Chanyeol's brow arched in questioning, his lanky limbs sidling closer towards Baekhyun, the love he has for the smaller man reeling him in just like gravity.

Baekhyun gazed at the man, a hand moving to cup at his cheek.

"I wonder, Chanyeol..."

"What's my baby thinking about?" Warm and assuring hands rub against his arms, engulfing him in a heavenly embrace that has Baekhyun's defenses coming undone. It always feels like the first time.

He looked up into those same pair of kind and gentle eyes and he falls in love all over again.

"Sometimes, I wonder what you see in me."

Chanyeol's stare isn't intimidating, nor is it patronizing. It's inquisitive and fond but there's also something that makes Baekhyun shiver in anticipation. There's wonder. Chanyeol never seemed to fail to be amazed by Baekhyun and the latter is always baffled by this.

"Baekhyun, in your eyes I see all things good," Chanyeol spoke up after a pause. His eyes, however possible, turned gentler and Baekhyun was certain he was flourishing like a sunflower from the radiating warmth. Familiar fingertips traced loose patterns onto the back of his hand before they were gathered in comparatively larger hands.

"I see that and I see all the things you've helped me become. Without you, I'm nothing much, really."

"But with you, I'm everything I can be."

"You're awfully sappy," Baekhyun managed despite the hard blush he hid into the man's chest.

"I'm not when it's the truth," Chanyeol chuckled, the sound going straight to Baekhyun's heart. Large fingers, despite being calloused and rough, are familiar as they filled in the gaps in between Baekhyun's. 

"How can I help you be everything when I have always been a nobody?" Baekhyun wondered in a whisper, fingers from his other hand deftly picking at the loose thread of the fabric of Chanyeol's shirt. It's been something he had always battled with. The insecurity that comes to eat away at his heart. It was cliché but Baekhyun knew he was just the lonely boy whose parents, even, didn't want; the boy left to fend for himself. Chanyeol, on the other hand, was someone who was loved, by everyone. Pride of the family, social butterfly of his school. The young boy Chanyeol was had everything going for him.

How could they love when they are worlds away?

But then he thought back on all the times Chanyeol had stood up for him, all the times Chanyeol had made him smile or laugh even, all the times he had managed to make Chanyeol laugh. Baekhyun thought about how he had supported Chanyeol in everything he'd done over the years, putting all his faith in the latter. Despite their vast differences they'd managed to do great together, be amazing when together.

"Because I might have everything I want but they'll never amount to what I need." Some things you just can't explain. Chanyeol embraced the fact that his love for Baekhyun may seem questionable and implausible in the eyes of others, but his heart; it tells him that this is right. It was everything he has always wanted.

"And that is?" A smile, and wandering hands.

"You."

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Baekhyun awoke to streaks of sunlight painting the white ceiling above, hands carefully folded upon his chest. He was back in his room, his small figure looking awfully lonely on the big bed.

How could they love when they are worlds away?

A single, rather off-putting, string of laughter escaped his lips when he thought back on the dream he had had about one of the more memorable conversations with Chanyeol in the past.

Of course Baekhyun would always be that lonely, pathetic boy. And Chanyeol -- untouchable. He should have known, he shouldn't have hoped. He would always be akin to something disposable, thrown aside once it has served its purpose. How should it be any different now? 

In the deafening silence with troubled thoughts came the threat of another onslaught of tears. Baekhyun shoved a fist into his mouth and bit back a sob.

"Baekhyun? Are you awake?" It was Yixing. Baekhyun swallowed his emotions and pulled himself up to sit against the headboard. How could he be so selfish? Always troubling his only friend.

"Yixing-hyung, what are you doing here?" Baekhyun greeted in the softest voice, regret in his features, as soon as he spotted the tray of food in the Chinese man’s hands. "You shouldn't have bothered."

Yixing gave a reproachful gaze, lips pursed, but doesn't say anything in reply. There it was again, a hundred and one questions flashing in his kind eyes. Baekhyun glanced away, not ready to tell. Yixing must have sensed so because he placed the tray on the bedside table but made no move to sit, staring down at the younger man with a tender gaze that spelt understanding. They held each other's eyes for a long moment before the aching in Yixing’s heart became unbearable when he looked at how small Baekhyun looked.

"Eat and rest well, okay," Yixing murmured. With a hand ruffling at Baekhyun's hair, he left the room with a quiet click of the door, leaving the other to wallow in his continuous self-piteous thoughts.

Baekhyun heaved out the breath he’d been holding in, along with the faux composure he’d forced himself to don in front of his friend. The tremble in his hands was true indication of what he was feeling as he brought them up to bury his face in them.

What was he to do?

He was lost. He had never felt so alone in his life as he slid back under the covers. Not even during that dark period of his time before Chanyeol had come to save him. Hunger the last thing on his mind, Baekhyun fell into the clutches of another nightmare-riddled slumber.

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When he awoke again, it was dark outside. Baekhyun strained his ears, only to pick up nothing but silence outside. It must have been a good half an hour before the door squeaked open, the light from the hallway outside streaming in, and illuminating parts of the bed.

Baekhyun kept his eyes closed as a weight settled beside him, making the mattress dip on his right. Despite knowing what was to come, Baekhyun couldn’t help the flinch that came almost instinctively when cool skin pressed against the warmth of his forehead. Eyes flying wide open, Baekhyun jerked away from the contact, scrambling to distance himself from the offending hand by backtracking using his elbows. In the dimness of the room, Baekhyun could barely make out who it was. When the hand reached out for him once more, he felt as if his soul had speed-travelled back to the night before the last. The same all-consuming fear overwhelmed him when the offending hand latched onto his forearm. In a bid to save himself from what was to happen, Baekhyun thrashed around in the sheets, screaming as he did so.

“Baek-- Baekhyun,” came an urgently frantic deep voice, “Baekhyun it’s okay. It’s just me, calm down.”

Baekhyun could hear the concern in the man’s voice but he couldn’t bring himself to stop. No matter how much his heart was telling him that it was okay, that it was someone he was familiar with, his brain was screaming bloody murder. He’s not safe, he’s not safe. He’s going to get hurt again.

It wasn’t till he felt strong arms locking him in a vice grip embrace, a hand forcing his head to rest against the comfort of a hard chest, that Baekhyun finally relented. His body sagged against the wall of support when the fight in him left as he allowed himself to be rocked back and forth in a soothing manner, a quiet and continuous shh murmured into his hair. Once again, Baekhyun was unable to stop the sudden but quiet and steady flow of tears that streamed from his eyes.

“Oh, Baekhyun…”Baekhyun could hear that the man, too, was overwhelmed with emotions in the way his voice broke at the edges when he muttered softly. They stopped moving but he remained tightly locked in the man’s arms, and Baekhyun was half-grateful for it because it seemed like it was exactly what he needed.

The silence was filled with nothing but reassuring (that was anything but) it’s gonna be okay’s and Baekhyun’s obscenely loud sobbing.

It was an eternity before Baekhyun felt like he was ready to face the man who had brought him more comfort and safety he had felt in the past few days. He pulled away from the arms that fell away in an unspoken request. It looked as if the blond had no idea what he should say – what the right words were-- but he gazed achingly deep into Baekhyun’s eyes, his own filled with sorrow and remorse. Kris reached out to caress Baekhyun’s face but the latter, once again, flinched on instinct without meaning to. Baekhyun whimpered as if apologizing for doing so, cowering away.

“I can’t believe I let this happen,” Kris muttered as he slowly retracted his hand, shaking his head that was hanging low. Baekhyun tried to tell the man that it was okay, that it’s not his fault, but the words wouldn’t come out from his mouth. He felt stupid to be gaping like a fish out of water, nothing but air escaping his lips despite how hard he was struggling to get his words out. After countless of failed attempts, Baekhyun let out a frustrated sigh. He felt like he was on a rollercoaster ride; one moment he was fine, the next, he felt suffocated from the memories of the incident. Baekhyun knew then that he wouldn’t ever be the same. At least not for a long time. As if he wasn’t broken enough after the realisation of Chanyeol’s lost love for him. The road to recovery, he predicted, would be a long and arduous one.

Kris stared long and hard at Baekhyun whose own arms had wrapped themselves around his body, trying his best to curl into himself, until he finally looked away with a quiet sigh.

“You stay put. I’ll go get your friend.”

He didn’t return; instead, Yixing made an appearance in his place, this time dressed in a suit and loosened tie around his neck, lines of concern etched into his weary face. He looked exhausted to say the least and Baekhyun was swamped with the same regret he’d felt that morning. The Chinese man wasted no time in approaching the bed but stopped short when he reached the side, looking intently at his younger friend who sat in the middle of the bed, watching him with wary eyes.

“You didn’t eat the soup I made you,” Yixing said, nodding at the bowl that was left untouched and cold.

‘I’m sorry.’ Baekhyun couldn’t find it in him to verbalize his thoughts so he lowered his gaze.

“Kris…” Yixing began, “He was the one who brought you home.”

‘I figured.’

Yixing’s hesitance was obvious but Baekhyun was appreciative of his friend’s efforts. “Baekhyun you’ll get through this. I’m always here, I’ll always be here, you know that, right?”

Yixing’s phone rang in the silence that followed. The Chinese man startled for a moment before quickly moving to get the call. His eyebrows pulled into the slightest of frowns at the screen and he jabbed at the answer button as he excused himself, answering the call with a curt greeting.

It was quiet, awfully so, that Baekhyun could faintly hear Yixing’s voice despite being separated by a wall.

“You can’t come, I’m not letting you anywhere near him,” Baekhyun heard anger in the hushed tone his friend was using.

“What do you ing think, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun stopped breathing for a second at the mention of the name before his defenses crumbled, the courage he’d fought so hard to build for the sake of his friend cracking as it broke.

“Do you think he’ll be fine after that?” Baekhyun shook his head at this, hands flying up to bury his face in them.

‘I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.’ Baekhyun bit down on his lip, squeezing his eyes shut to will the aching pain in his heart away. “I’m fine, I’m fine.”

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note: italics in one of the entire paragraph is a flashback in a dream