Chapter 9: Letting Go

Breakfast the next morning was awkward, to say the least. It was the first time in months that the Park family was complete, gathered around the dining table just like always. Except that it wasn't like old times. There wasn't laughter or smiles, no chatter or bickering. The table was absent of Sehun's humming and Jongin's whining, and Chanyeol's singing and Baekhyun's affectionate reminders for the family to have a good day ahead. Love was lacking in the family.

Chanyeol sat rigidly in his seat, feeling more out of place than ever. After all, even before the talk of a divorce, he hadn't spent that many of his mornings sitting at the very table. Well, any of his time with his kids and Baekhyun for that matter. He watched silently, and intently, as Baekhyun went about serving the kids an egg each to their plates of fried rice and poured juice in their depleting cups. All with a slight smile to his kids every time Sehun would look up at him with a random giggle, though Chanyeol could tell just how troubled he was. Being with Baekhyun for 12 years taught Chanyeol a lot about the smaller male whom he would describe as someone who was determined. Someone who would fight for what he wants and love. Chanyeol felt guilty at the memory of the incident the night before. 

He thought his ex-husband would ignore his presence but he was surprised when Baekhyun served him a meal and poured him a cup of coffee; with two cubes of sugar, just like how he likes it. Despite himself, Chanyeol found that he felt something akin to guilt when Baekhyun continued to tend to his needs before he set off for work.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Chanyeol called, somewhat hesitantly and warily. Baekhyun merely threw small, forced, smile -- that was really just the pressing of his lips -- in Chanyeol's direction and shook his head though Chanyeol was annoyed to note that he refused to meet his eyes.

"I can eat later." Baekhyun simply said as he continued to busy himself with nothing in particular. Anything to avoid having to sit down and have a conversation or discussion or whatever the hell they needed to do after last night. He wasn't really in the mood and there was no way they were going to have it in front of the kids. Jongin left the table first, heading for his room to grab his bag but not without his brother who was told to tag along by Chanyeol who wanted the kids away so Baekhyun and him could settle things. The room fell awfully silent, even more than it had been before, but it did little to impede Baekhyun's ministrations as the smaller man proceeded to clear the table.

"I've set out some work clothes on the bed," Baekhyun said softly as he leaned over the table to wipe it with a cloth, eyes never leaving the surface, "It's a little small, but it should be fine since you didn't bring any from your apartment. I've placed a new toothbrush on the counter, you can use that. And I know it's my turn to use the car but you can have it for today. I can just take a cab to work."

Chanyeol swallowed the last of his rice that felt more like a baseball instead of the few chewed grains, as he kept his gaze fixed on the other. 

"You didn't have to do that." Chanyeol finally spoke up once he'd found his courage again. He didn't know why -- or maybe he did -- but he felt somewhat remorseful. 

"It's fine," Baekhyun assured him, dumping the dishes into the sink and letting his back face the other.

"No, really, you didn't have to," Chanyeol pressed, annoyance tinged in his tone from the irritation bubbling inside him. He was feeling so confused and right then, he had no explanation for it all which irked him to no end.

"I said it's fine." Baekhyun gritted out a curt reply, the plates in the sink making loud clattering noises now from how hard he was doing the dishes.

"Why are you doing this, Baekhyun? Why do you still care?" Chanyeol had his voice raised, setting his mug down harshly and glaring at Baekhyun's back. There was a short pause in which Baekhyun used to gather his thoughts.

"Because," I love you, "You're still my husband. I don't intend to break my vows even though it means nothing to you.," Baekhyun said slowly, emphasizing each word to get his point across, "I will continue to be the best I could be for you until the divorce is finalized." And even after.

Chanyeol couldn't stand to listen to any of the words that were leaving Baekhyun's mouth. There's a tiny voice in the back of his head, a nagging feeling, that the smaller man was right. Could it be that Baekhyun was just trying to get into his head just to get the upper hand? He really didn't need any of this right now.

"If you're trying to get to me, I'll have you know it's not working," Chanyeol declared, almost threateningly, "I can't ing wait till this is over." With those bitter words, he pushed his chair back with a loud screech and stormed away, leaving Baekhyun in a mess of emotions tucked neatly away inside him; something he had learnt to do ever since his separation from the man he loved.

+++

Baekhyun didn't know what to expect after yet another one of his arguments with his estranged husband, but a text message certainly wasn't it. 

We need to talk. Come by my office at lunch.

There was so much more behind those words. Words said so... distantly. Baekhyun figured that this confrontation, or more decently put, discussion, was bound to come sooner or later. Despite being unprepared for whatever was to come, Baekhyun decided that it was better that they had it sooner just so they could all move on from it. He made a mental note to remind Chanyeol of the papers he had yet to sign as he rode up the elevator to the office. When he got in, Chanyeol wasn't around yet, just like the receptionist out front had said. Baekhyun perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa with his hands on his knees, biting at his lower lip as he took a glance around. There used to be pictures of him and their kids at his desk and Baekhyun used to chide Chanyeol for it, saying that it only created clutter, but Chanyeol had always been adamant about keeping the pictures there just so it could help him "make it through the day". Now, Baekhyun wasn't surprised to note that the only lone picture frame was that of Sehun and Jongin. There was no trace of Baekhyun anywhere. 

Just then, Chanyeol strode into the office, causing Baekhyun to jump up from the sofa in surprise. Chanyeol must have forgotten he was expecting a visitor because he was startled at the sight of the shorter man and promptly held a hand out only to recoil when he finally realized it was his ex-husband and not anyone else. In that short moment where Baekhyun stood eyeing the other's hand, he was quick to notice that the hand had a ring missing from his finger. Baekhyun felt foolish to be wearing his own but he swallowed down the huge disappointment and lifted his gaze to meet Chanyeol's.

"Hey," Chanyeol greeted, albeit tersely, "Thanks for coming."

Baekhyun nodded once, glancing away. Unfortunately for him, his eyes settled upon that of the empty space where the frame of a picture of him used to be. Its absence stared back pointedly at him.

"You wanna sit?" Chanyeol asked, a little unsurely, head jerking towards the sofa. Sometimes Chanyeol confused Baekhyun. One minute he was alright, and in the next, he would be snapping at him with nothing but anger and irritation in his eyes. Of course Baekhyun preferred the gentle, somewhat caring Chanyeol as opposed to the one who's always annoyed with Baekhyun's presence, despite how uneasy that Chanyeol could be. It was the Chanyeol that was closest to the man he fell in love with all those years before. 

"I'm doing okay here." Baekhyun said.

"Okay." Chanyeol made no move to sit, either. The silence that followed filled in the seemingly immense distance put between them.

"I called you here to talk about last night," Chanyeol began, watching as Baekhyun's eyes flittered to the buildings outside the glass windows. He waited for a moment before Baekhyun finally spoke.

"I think the more pressing issue is that of your inability to leave your signature on a piece of paper," Baekhyun said with a wry smile. "It's been weeks, Chanyeol. I'd appreciate it if you prioritized your family for once."

Chanyeol had every mind to snap back at Baekhyun for playing the blame game yet again, something he clearly liked doing, but he bit back on his words with clenched fists.

"As I was saying, about last night. I'm sure you know about the call I received--"

"--I don't really care, Chanyeol. Just sign the god damn papers and we can be done with this. Let's stop playing chase. I'm tired, and I'm certain you are too." Baekhyun cut across Chanyeol. Part of him really was weary of Chanyeol's habit of stringing him along, but he knew, deep down inside, that the truth was that he didn't want to hear Chanyeol say those words. He didn't think he could handle it.

Chanyeol took a deep breath, his hands perched on his hips before letting out a long sigh.

"I know. But Baekhyun, we have to settle things before the proceedings."

"Settle what? What is there that needs to be done, Chanyeol?" Baekhyun's voice grew louder with every word as he challenged the other, chin pointed intimidatingly.

"I need to tell you about Jongdae." Baekhyun had been expecting this for the longest time but it didn't mean it hurt any less. Baekhyun swallowed the large lump that had welled in his throat.

"Who's Jongdae?" He asked quietly, words leaving his mouth before he could stop them.

"He's--" The door swung open right at that moment and a neatly dressed, handsome young man with chestnut brown hair and a pair of bright eyes, that were evidently troubled, burst into the room. He looked no older than Baekhyun and Baekhyun would have guessed that they were of the same age, but it was evident that he looked much older with his eyebags and permanent lines of worry etched into his forehead, weighed down by the onslaught of responsiblity he has to shoulder following the separation from Chanyeol. To be honest, he had been swamped with problems for a long time now but it only showed when they made their decision to separate official.

"Chanyeol, I'm sorry about--" The man paused as soon as he realized he had interrupted a conversation. He knew this pretty man before his lover. He recognized him right away.

"Babe, who's this?" Jongdae made his way over to the tall man and stuck to his side, voicing his question despite knowing the answer full well. The sight of another man hooking his arm with Chanyeol's and bein so intimate with his first love killed Baekhyun inside. Suddenly it became extremely suffocating to be in the room. The air was thick and Baekhyun could do nothing much to calm himself down. Breathing became relatively difficult with the two lovers' presence.

"He's my husband, Jongdae." Chanyeol replied as calmly as he could, concealing the fact that he was annoyed that his boyfriend had to interrupt his time with Baekhyun. He needed to come clean about everything and set the record straight. It wasn't like he regretted being with Jongdae. But it felt wrong, he felt guilty even, that Baekhyun knew nothing about it. The least he could do was to let him know. 

"Oh, right. The one you're leaving?" Jongdae blurted, insensitive towards Baekhyun's feelings. This was the first time he was meeting Baekhyun but it didn't take much to know that Baekhyun was troubled by the fact that his husband was seeing someone despite still being married. But that was only in papers. Jongdae knew, from all those late night sessions in the office and all those unnecessary business trips that Chanyeol no longer cared much for his brunet of a husband. As far as feelings go, Jongdae could safely say Chanyeol would pick him over Baekhyun any day.

"Yes, the one who had to take care of his sons at home while he went off fooling with other men. The one who had to tend to his sick son alone. The one who, apparently, hasn't loved him enough." Baekhyun beat Chanyeol to it, surprisingly soft and calm despite the bitterness in his words. "I'm that man he doesn't love anymore, and you're the man he has given his heart to. I am sorry we had to meet this way, Jongdae-ssi."

Chanyeol was shocked by Baekhyun's words, to say the least, but he doesn't show it. With a turn of attention to Chanyeol, Baekhyun requested, "Can you give Jongdae-ssi and I a moment, Chanyeol?"

The tallest of them straightened out his back, a hand slipped into his pocket, as he eyed his ex-husband with all kinds of wary. Baekhyun knows Chanyeol all too well. He knows the meaning behind every crease of his forehead, every minute upturn of the lips. Right now, he knew of Chanyeol's reluctance to allow him to be alone with his lover. But Baekhyun wasn't going to do anything reckless.

Chanyeol reached a hand out to grab Jongdae's. "I don't think--"

Jongdae held his head high and confidently pried his hand from Chanyeol's, "It's okay, Yeol."

Baekhyun winced internally at the nickname as Chanyeol gave Jongdae a look of concern, but Jongdae merely waved him away. Without a glance to Baekhyun, Chanyeol strode outside to give the two men some privacy.

"What is it?" Jongdae's voice turned harsh as he folded his arms into a tight cross over his chest. "Are you going to tell me to leave him? He's not happy with you, Baekhyun. It's time you realized that."

"I know," Baekhyun's head dropped, eyes casted to the ground. "I just wanted to tell you to take care of him."

"I will," Jongdae snapped. "Better than you ever did."

"He's allergic to fur, if you don't already know," Baekhyun started. "He can't be anywhere near anything with fur, so you'd have to make sure he stays away from them even if he's a er for cats and ferrets."

"He takes his coffee with two cubes of sugar. He can't take it bitter," Baekhyun continued, and he heard a loud scoff.

"I know," Jongdae snarled but it doesn't faze Baekhyun who pressed on.

"He tends to skip dinner, but make sure he doesn't because he'll end up waking up in the middle of the night for a midnight snack, but it's not healthy, so just buy him something light if he's too busy for dinner. He has this old shirt, a white concert tee with some illegible words on the front. I know it's hideous," Baekhyun chuckled softly. "But don't throw it away. It's his favourite."

Jongdae stood rooted to the ground, annoyance draining from his body as his stance relaxed from its previously defensive posture.

"He hates taking meds and would do anything to get out of a trip to the doctor's, but if he ever falls sick, then a good rest is all he needs. That, and a hot mug of honey lemon with a bowl of chicken porridge."

Baekhyun startled Jongdae by letting out a string of laughter. "I can't think of anything else off the top of my head."

A brief pause fell over them. "Oh, and one more thing. Chanyeol doesn't like it when it's warm so here's a tip; if you want him to stay with you in bed then make sure the air conditioning is turned up during the summer. I know it'll get really cold, but that's what Chanyeol's hugs are for." Apart from making you feel loved.

Something he hadn't felt in a long time. Something he missed, but knew he would never get a chance to experience ever again.

"Yeah, okay," Jongdae said after a long time. He sounded less unpleasant and somewhat empathetic and for that Baekhyun was grateful.

Baekhyun hung his head low. "I know what you may be thinking. I know you may not like me, may hate me, even. But I'm glad I've finally met you. My duties are over, and I hope you will take over them and carry them out with the same amount of dedication I've given him, if not even more."

"I wasn't enough," Baekhyun said quietly, swallowing hard and blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall. He lifted his gaze to meet Jongdae's with a shaky, but extremely wide, grin. Jongdae couldn't help but notice the way Baekhyun's eyes glisten despite the wobbly smile plastered across his face.  "But I hope you will be, for him. I truly do."

"Anyway, I've got to go. School is ending soon and I have to go pick my son up." Baekhyun gave a bow. "I'll try to stay out of yours and Chanyeol's way, but all I ask is for you not to take my sons away from me. They're all I have."

Jongdae was left more conflicted than ever. He attempted to digest everything his boyfriend's husband had told him. It was weird, because he had expected to be left with anger and hatred but strangely enough, he felt... regretful. Ashamed, even. And then it hit him. 

He knew exactly why. Anybody could tell just how much Baekhyun loved Chanyeol. Jongdae had never met Baekhyun before this but one look into his eyes and Jongdae could see them awashed with unbridled love for one man only. The same man who no longer shared the same sentiments.

Outside, Baekhyun turned to a nervous Chanyeol who had been pacing right outside the door. 

"I swear, if you said anything to him--"

"I would never do anything to break you apart," Baekhyun assured with a small smile. "I'm glad you're finally happy. I really am."

Chanyeol continued to eye him warily, not really believing Baekhyun's words. But then again, why shouldn't he? They weren't in love anymore, they couldn't stand each other. They can't even hold a conversation without the sarcasm and intention to hurt the other with words. Their time was over.

"Don't forget to sign the papers. I'll pick them up myself when I drop Sehunnie off at your place."

The smile he had on stayed as he got into the elevator, but as soon as the doors closed and he could no longer see Chanyeol and the befuddled expression on his face, it faded away. Baekhyun closed his eyes and sighed.

I can't stop loving you but I'm ready to let you go so you can move on. Goodbye my first, and last, and only love.

+++

"Yixing, am I a fool?" Baekhyun asked that night as he snuggled into the man's hold, his head rested on the pillow that was in Yixing's lap. Baekhyun was supposed to send Sehun back to Chanyeol but the poor kid had fallen asleep on the way back from school, and Baekhyun had no heart to travel all the way to his ex-husband's apartment which was comparatively further than that of their house. So for tonight, both kids were in his care. Because of that, he had called in sick for work. The kids had fallen asleep just minutes ago, right before Yixing made a surprise visit. Since Kiko was with her parents, she had told him to have a fun night with the younger man, but both knew that was only a way to say "check up on him".

"Without a doubt. I feel like smacking you whenever I see you hurting because of Jerkyeol." Yixing huffed in annoyance, causing Baekhyun to chuckle.

"But, you aren't the only fool. Everyone in love acts like one." Yixing conceded with a small sigh, hand petting Baekhyun's soft hair.

"Yeah, like how you repeatedly wear the sweater Kiko knitted for you last Christmas despite your complaints of how ugly it is?" Baekhyun teased.

"Baekhyun, sweaters and secret lovers are two very different issues," Yixing said as a matter-of-factly.

"It's not a secret anymore  though," Baekhyun pointed out with a rueful smile, moving to sit up. "It's time he moved on."

"Okay, that's it. That's the last time I'm allowing you to talk about Jerkyeol. I don't care if 'he's happy' or if it's a 'good thing he's moved on'. I want you to be happy. I don't want to see a mopey Baekhyun anymore. I want the old Byun Baekhyun back, the one who's all smiles and laughter. It's been awhile since I've seen your bright eyes and not this, this dull, lifeless, sad looking ones and I miss it, Baekhyun. I miss cheery, ball of sunshine Baekhyun."

Baekhyun bit down on his lip. "You know the answer to that, Yixing hyung. I don't think I can ever be that Baekhyun anymore."

"It's hard." Baekhyun stared at his hands in his lap. "I sound like a whiny kid but I can't help it. There are no words for this heartache I can't seem to heal."

Baekhyun pulled his legs up onto the sofa and hugged his knees close to his chest, resting a cheek on them with sorrow and emptiness in his eyes.

"Nobody knows how tough it is for me to look into Chanyeol's eyes and see nothing but hatred and regret for all those years he spent with me, time he could have been spending with someone else. He can do better than me. He probably mistook pity for me with love," Baekhyun said in resignation, weariness laced in his tone. He had done far too much crying for something that's meant to be and he wasn't going to give his Chinese friend another reason to pity him.

Yixing opened his mouth to retort but Baekhyun beat him to it with a wide smile. "But as long as I have Jongin and Sehun, and you, I'll be fine. Won't I?"

Yixing wanted to argue, that Chanyeol is the only person and will be the only person who would ever be able to put that eye-blinding smile, the only man who would ever be able to make Baekhyun glow as he had in their first years together, but he quickly thought against it. "Yeah, you will. You'll always have us, Baek. I promise."

And as sad as it sounds, Baekhyun believes Yixing could hold onto that promise better than Chanyeol had.

+++

A/N: Don't you all just love pitiful Baekhyun? Hehe. Ok so this chapter isn't really my favourite but this was a bit of a filler chapter, and in the next, things get quite angsty so brace yourselves. ~_~ hope everyone is up for more angst~

I've been getting an influx of love for this fic and it makes me so happy! I'm glad I didn't discontinue this story despite the long hiatus I had. I've set my sights for this story and I'll see it through! xx

The comments I've received so far makes me feel so appreciated! I'm glad I'm doing something right with this story (: