Chapter six: Love

            It was my second time waking up in Taeyeon’s bed in Japan. But this time it was different because I felt her next to me, her head against my back as she hugged me from behind. ‘Spooning’ is what they’d call it but it was much more magical than that if you ask me.

The sun was barely shining through the curtains that Taeyeon had bought, and I had no idea what time it was. I couldn’t remember if I had classes later today or not. But something told me today was important. I just didn’t know what or why.

I wrapped my hands around Taeyeon’s arms that held me and for a moment I just breathed. I breathed and took it all in, what I was feeling, how I was feeling it, how I didn’t seem to have any significant thoughts on my mind. It was one of the nicer things in life I suppose. That hole inside from before becoming more filled and filled. I felt full for the first time, full on life.

Slowly I unwrapped her from me, the bottom of my feet meeting with the cold wood floors. I let out a quiet yawn moving over to my bed and let my aching body fall on it. I noticed that I smelled like the sea, as if I was still there, on the beach. I took deep refreshing breaths, I smiled unconsciously to myself.

“What’s funny?” I heard Taeyeon’s sleepy voice as we lay on our stomachs. Our heads turned to face each other.

“Nothing.” I reply, I was getting better at answering Taeyeon’s futile questions. 

“Why did you move?” She asks and I stay quiet for a moment, trying to find the reason why I did indeed move. Trying to put the words together.

“Because…” is all I could muster before shutting my eyes slowly. I could still feel her kisses burning my lips, I could still feel my head spinning.

“Because why?” always countering my answer with another question, so like Taeyeon.

“Because I don’t know.” I whisper out, my eyes still shut and I can feel myself start to drift back to sleep. Just barely hanging onto consciousness by a thread.

“I want you close to me.” I open my eyes, only to see her staring back at me, her back slowly rising and falling with her shallow breathing as though she’s still overcome by sleep, and maybe she was.

It sounded kind of desperate, the way Taeyeon said that. I didn’t think I’d be the one not clingy, in whatever this is. But maybe she just liked me close and nothing more.

“I want you close to me too,” despite saying that we still laid on our sides lazily staring at each other. Time didn’t matter but I swear it felt like forever. I swear it did.

“We’re only a few feet away from each other…” she says and I feel like it’s an answer to both our statements.

“Yeah.” I reply, “But doesn’t that somehow—” I bite my tongue from saying anything else. It was too much, at least I definitely felt like it was.

“What, say it…” she seems to sense my hesitation, and I swallow the bitterness in my throat. It was dry and it almost hurt to speak again.

“Doesn’t that somehow feel like light-years away?” I expected her to laugh or say I was naïve or dumb but she doesn’t, she just stares at me and blinks her eyes. Like she was trying to solve a complex puzzle in her mind.

“That’s odd,” she finally says her lips, “Because it’s kind of true.” I guess I was just as confusing to her as she was to me. “Tiffany,” she opens then shuts it. Opens then shuts it. She can’t seem to find the words she needs, and I can sympathize with her on that one.  

Her brows stress together, and she purses her lips before she gives up and sighs out.

 “I hate that you make it hard to speak.”

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If there is one thing in the universe that’s odd and forever a mystery it’s the meeting of two people. When one person comes to meet another and has this almost chemical reaction. They could both come from different sides of the world, they could come from completely different backgrounds but when they meet it was like they were always meant too.

It’s the effect that person has on you, sometimes you wonder how it was even possible to meet such a person that could make your body tingle and change your life in ways you didn’t think was real.

Sometimes it’s that once in a life time friendship.

Sometimes it’s that unexplainable, deeply rooted, unforgiving almost criminal love.

Sometimes it’s both. I feel like it’s both.

Taeyeon got under my skin, and it almost hurt. I remember saying as a kid “I will never change no matter what, I’ll forever be the girl that I am now. No man will ever change me.” Granted, Taeyeon is not a man but the rule still applies.

I hated to think that I was skipping classes early in the afternoon just to be able to watch Taeyeon play her guitar. I hated to think that I haven’t called my parents in days because Taeyeon had all of my attention. I hated to think that I kissed someone I barely knew simply because I wanted too. I hated to think that all my time in Japan was revolving around one person, one girl. And what I hated the most was that I couldn’t help but think that I wasn’t having the same effect on her. Sure Taeyeon likes me, she likes kissing me. She likes dragging her nails across my arms lightly giving me goose bumps and recently she likes having me close.

But I like having Taeyeon in my life and in my thoughts, I like having Taeyeon on my skin and under it. I liked having Taeyeon in the room or in bed with me, I liked eating ramen with Taeyeon, I liked going to the beach with Taeyeon. I liked everything about her, well everything I knew. 

Maybe I was starting to love Taeyeon.

I wasn’t ready to let that feeling in and run me wild.

Taeyeon stops her guitar playing and looks at me and my thoughts are washed away like chalk in the rain.

“Tiffany.” She tilts her head at me and I bit the inside of my cheek. Stop it, I say to myself. Just stop it. “Want to go out for a while?”

This time, she waited for my answer giving me a choice. Although it’s not like I really had one “Sure.”

 I was a prisoner of my own heart.

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I let out a deep breath as we reached the top dorm building, Taeyeon opened the steel door. And my breath was taken away.

A flock of birds soaring through the orange blue sky, the warm wind brushed us lightly. Taeyeon grabbed my hand pulling me onto the flat concrete roof, and everything before us was so vast. Big and beautiful. I didn’t think feeling so small would feel so amazing.

“Wow.” I muttered, my eyes looking out, the huge skyscrapers and buildings could be seen blurred off in the distance. Japan was such a cluttered place: people, bikes and cars zooming around desperate to find there place but up here, up here it’s like time is frozen. It’s like we’re the only two people in the world and this is our domain.

“I come here when I’m feeling lonely sometimes, or when I need a break from everything.” Taeyeon says as she takes me to the edge, a somewhat high fence is placed around the perimeter. And as my fingers drag along the holes of the fence Taeyeon’s hand lets go of mine.

“Why would you come here if you feel lonely?” I ask. “I feel like the loneliest person up here.” The wind blows and my hair sweeps across my face, Taeyeon leans against the fence. I study her face and I could never quite figure out what she was thinking.

“I don’t know.” she sighs out as her eyes shift to mine. “Maybe it’s because that when I look out from here, I know that there are millions of people out there. Millions.” she repeats.

“Numbers never quite made sense to me,” I reply. “Sure there are millions of people out there, even billions. But I don’t really care, I just need one.” I take a deep breath “I just need one person to care, to love and I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine with whatever I have or am given.”

Taeyeon chuckles out “You know…” she says “I always thought the same, that all I needed was one person to love me and I’ll be okay but I don’t know.” She shakes her head.

“Love.” I breathe out “It’s so complicated. When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it.” In my mind something clicked, the hole inside aching, and my mind going a bit fuzzy. Was this the chemical reaction everyone talked about? Or was being up this high just scaring me?

“But sometimes, I doubt if I can really love anybody.”

Time slowly passes us by, and my thoughts are all over the place.

“You can” Taeyeon breaks the silence “As you said when you fall in love the natural thing to do is just give yourself to it.” Taeyeon looks at me and I blink watching move, for a moment I think that it would be nice if I had met Taeyeon under different circumstances, then maybe having her around wouldn’t be so difficult. “So give yourself to it, just love” she shrugs. “Sometimes you’re only given one chance, maybe two or three if you’re lucky, in your life time to love and be loved. If I were you” she pauses “I’d take that chance.”  

“Maybe I will.” I whisper out, my heart beating at an irregular pace. And it’s all because of Taeyeon.

“Well it’s your life, your choice.” she looks back out into the distance, her eyes slowly losing any focus as they seem to get lost in their own world. “If I were to be honest though…” she speaks without turning to face me, but my eyes never waver—

 “I doubt if I can really love anybody also.”

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I never realized how much I missed being at home unless I’ve been somewhere else for a while.

“Mom?” I sat on the edge of my bed as my knees were tucked in and my chin rested on the top.

“Honey?—stop it! No, you have to wear the green with the blue! It brings out the color of the models eyes! Dammit.” I sighed hearing my mother fight with the coordinator once again. It was her job after all.

“Honey you there?” I blinked a bit before pursing my lips.

“Yeah mom I’m here.”

“What do you want sweetie I’m working right now.” I waited a bit before saying anything.

“I miss you” I said softly “I miss you and dad.”

“Oh honey, it’s not that bad over there is it?” she asked and if I were to be honest it wasn’t bad at all, in fact I loved being in Japan.

“No” I shook my head “But I’m tired.”

“School rough?”

“Not that kind of tired I mean…” I paused, what exactly did I mean? “I mean mom, when you love somebody but you know that they’re kind of not good for you what are you to do?” a long moment of silence passed us by before my mom spoke.

“Well you never know until you try I guess, I mean they might be good for you, they might just be the thing you need. Look at your dad and I, I thought he was the perfect man for me but now” she paused “But now we can’t even be in the same room without going at each-others necks.”

I suddenly felt a flux of sad thoughts hit me “But what if it doesn’t last forever?”

“Baby you have to remember that not all loves last forever. Sometimes you’re just meant to love someone while you can, and then let them go. Sometimes you’re supposed to love someone till the end of time and sometimes you’re not supposed to love at all.” She breathes out “Love isn’t what you should be afraid of sweetie, love is something that should make you conquer that fear.”

“Well how do I know?” my eyes dart to the bathroom where Taeyeon is showering and I sigh.

“I don’t know” she says and I feel like I’m getting nothing out of her “Miyoung-ah, stop asking so many questions. Love should be simple, stop making it so complicated.” 

“Okay mom” I breathe out “I trust you.”

Did I actually trust her? Not really. I couldn’t even trust myself let alone another, but it was nice to have someone who cared I guess. Cared enough to give me clarity.

Love.

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A/N: Its not letting me edit the text/color of the chapter for some reason so idk it might just be my computer. TBH this is like my favorite chapter i written so far lol idk why anyways yeah love you guys! Have a great weekend!