Dear diary,

            Today, I broke his heart. And I broke mine.

 

Baekhyunnie

 

 

 The sun was gone when I opened my eyes. My room was dark and even so I could make out the outlines of the bandages that clung tight around my palms and knees.

 

The sun was gone, but the hurt remained. I felt hollow like the shallow breaths I forced from my lungs harmoniously playing with the throbbing of my head. The floor was cold on my back and it seemed to dull the searing pain around my wrists. I planted my palms on the floor, forcing myself to sit up, completely ignoring my injuries. In the end I failed when the pain overwhelmed my limbs. Like a helpless piece of rag, I gave up and laid on the floor once again. The throbbing of my head intensified but it was numbed by the coldness that once more crept to the surface of my back. It was funny how I managed to evaluate my pain when Chanyeol had it worse than me.

 

I’m sorry Chanyeol.

 

I glanced at the clock. It was almost eight in the evening. Surely, mom was in the hospital by now. I’d have to explain things to her soon.

 

I’m sorry Chanyeol.  

 

The rawness of what happened in the morning rushing through my consciousness like a raging river was like waking up with a hangover and recalling a guilty memory from the night before. My lips trembled from the thought and the tears were threatening to well out once more. I tried to stop them from coming by rubbing my eyes, a bit surprised with the swelling of the bags under them. It was a clear reminder of a bitter memory you’d give a million lives to erase. I can’t seem to believe it happened but truly, it did. And the worst part is that what is done cannot be repeated.

 

But it can be mended.

 

 

 

 

“For Christ’s sake, Byun Baekhyun! Why haven’t you been picking up my calls today? And what the hell was all the sobbing earlier?”Luhan furiously blared into my speakers. I managed to stand up after long hours on the floor overthinking and wallowing in guilt. The pain hid the fact that I was actually starving. The kitchen was eerily cold and empty when I arrived; even Luhan’s familiarity was eclipsed by the cold surroundings. Or was the cold actually coming from inside of me? Either way, his voice was a welcoming calm after the storm and I managed to smile even with an aching body and an aching heart. And so, after taking out a bottle of orange juice from the fridge, I spoke; for the first time in a few hours. The voice that came out scared me. It came feeble and tiny, like some dandelion tossed in a robust gale. 

 

“Chanyeol.” I finally said.  

 

“What happened?” he answered, concern evident in his voice. I gulped, toying the water drops dribbling down the bottle. The drops reminded me of Chanyeol’s cheeks welled by tears after my big confrontation. I smiled weakly and drank from the bottle. My throat welcomed the refreshing liquid like some addictive drug. It cleared my head a bit. I gave out a sigh before answering the eager guy on the other end of the line.

 

“Chanyeol happened.”

 

We were both silent. The quiet built up in a few moments and slowly I could feel the comfort fading away. As if the unnerving cold of the kitchen wasn’t enough. I could sense Luhan’s interest intensifying too and that was all it took before I gave away all he wanted to know. I told him about the party last night and Chanyeol’s parents. Of how they wanted to end their marriage and Chanyeol getting drunk and avoiding them. I told him about the night in the park and slipping into his room at the first rays of sunlight. I told him of the daffodils and the hyacinths and something about them needing each other. With a heavy heart, I told him about the breakfast and how I dreaded remembering it.  I told him about hands held together under the table and a hand hitting a face. I could hear shallow breaths from the other end of the line, fervently taking in the information, whimpering and complaining every now and then. If Luhan was a good talker, he was a better listener.

 

That was when I heard a small purr in the background.

 

“What was that?” I asked, suddenly finding a distraction from all the emotions. I walked from where I stood, dragging my way to my room, eager for soft cushions and warm fluffy blankets.

 

“What was what?” he asked clearly puzzled from the inquiry.

 

“Are you with a cat? I didn’t know you like cats.”

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”

 

When I reached my room, I turned my lamp on before I finally threw myself on my bed, burying my head under the pillows. “I heard a cat purr.” I said, imagining white fluffy fat cats surrounding me on the mattress. I could not do the same with Luhan without imagining him dressed as a cat. That was when he burst out laughing. I suddenly felt embarrassed. Did he read what I was thinking? I creased my forehead.

 

“Why are you laughing?”

 

“Oh. I’m sorry.” He said in between laughs. “That was Sehun.”

 

I gasped. In my mind, the cats rapidly flooded a sad memory because of a scandalous and intriguing statement. I managed to bite the hem of my bandages while rolling my eyes. Here we go, Baekhyunnie. You know what’s coming.

 

“Hi Byun Baekhyun sunbae.” A different voice answered this time.  I could hear Luhan choking down his laughter. How did this freshman get involved with a guy like Luhan?

 

“Hi.” I said awkwardly and rubbed my temples. “Can you give back the line to Luhan?” I could sense that he made an uneasy chuckle and mumbled some words before giving back the phone to my shameless friend.

 

“I see you’ve been doing more extra-curricular huh?” I said making sure I gave an accusing tone to my words. He was gasping for breath.

 

“I told you! He’s staying with me for a while after what happened with his dad!”

 

“Spill.”

 

“His dad found out we were together. Actually, he caught us doing it in the basement.” I could not believe my ears. I sat up from the bed ignoring the jolt of pain from my limbs. Can I just pretend I didn’t hear that?

 

“ you Luhan. You just ing ruined the life of a ing freshman.”

 

Luhan scoffed, “Because his dad caught us ing, is that what you want to say? Oh please. Sehun’s okay. Right Sehunnie?“

 

I heard a simple “Yehet” from the background like some kind of approval, I wasn’t actually sure. Maybe it was a love call. Luhan continued.

 

“Besides, he doesn’t want to stay with his dad anymore. He’s, like, this super strict dad who keeps on drinking every day and arrives home and creates uproar for every little thing Sehun does. He told his dad he’ll be staying with his aunt for a while and his aunt knew what happened and was okay with him staying with me. He hated the man also. I asked mom if he could allow him to stay in our house for a while.”

 

“And your mom’s okay with it?”

 

“Uhuh. And she knows about us and about what happened.”

 

“And she’s okay with that, too?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“I can’t believe I’m your friend.” I sank back to the cushions again.

 

“Ha. Ha. Let’s quit this, shall we? This conversation was supposed to be about you.”

 

“Okay.” I said, clearing out the thought of cats and two men purring under the sheets from my head.  

 

“Okay, so I got her number from please-don’t-ask-who-and-how. I talked to her over the phone. Can you believe it? She didn’t even find it weird a stranger got her number! Anyway, I told her about you and that you wanted to meet. She even asked if this was, like, a date or something. I almost blurted out that it will never happen because girls aren’t exactly your type. Haha”

 

I rolled my eyes.

 

“I forwarded her number to you. Kindly check the heaps of messages I sent you earlier.”

 

As if on cue, I eagerly tapped on my phone carefully ignoring the message Chanyeol sent earlier. I scrolled down all the messages and found the one he was talking about.

 

“Got it.” I whispered. “Thank you for this, Luhan.” I said, staring at the ceiling.

 

This is it.

 

“What are you planning by the way?” he asked.

 

I paused. My fingers froze around the coldness of my phone.  Even I was puzzled with the question. What was I really going to do? That time when I called Luhan, only one thing was on my mind. Maybe this was all about that somehow. I wasn’t just really sure how to do it or if it would work out but...

 

“Know what? I just realized, all this time, it was like I’ve been seeing things wrong.” I said. I got no clear reply from Luhan except his breathing on the speakers. I continued talking. “It’s like I’ve been staying in this relationship I’m on with Chanyeol with one eye fixed on the door. We’re friends; I am very much enlightened with that. But I realized all this time I’ve wanted something better to come in that door.”

 

“Like having an actual relationship with him,” Luhan said. I nodded.

 

“Truth is I want him to make me happy. I want him to be the umbrella to my rain,” Finally. I got to form the words. “But now I realized, it’s wrong. I’ve been expecting something that I have no right to want in the first place. It’s a one sided love, and it’s clear to me that Chanyeol has eyes on someone else. Plus, I only got him hurt because of my selfishness. His rain is pouring harder than mine. So now, I’ve come to the decision that..”

 

“That what?” Luhan asked.

 

I closed my eyes and smiled weakly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I’m gonna make Chanyeol happy.”

 

---

 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I am really sorry for the super delayed update. I hope you like this (short) chapter. Don't worry, I am cooking something to make up with it ehehe. Thumbs up and/or comment if you like it (or not ;A;)

I am really thankful you stayed! Happy New Year! :) Make sure to read the Entr'acte which will be posted later. :)