65*
Red Skys and Royal CardsI’m a stubborn, hotheaded, impulsive and I know it. I’ve spent years with only my parents and maybe one other person at my side. I learned pretty young that most people only get close to you to get something from you, in my case it was getting closer to my cousins. So I had to learn to deal with that, and I did, but because of it I don’t open myself well to others, example would be how I acted towards Lay.
Taking help is hard when you have to admit that you are weak and actually need it. Showing you're weak makes you open for attack, and it’s become a force of habit. I have so many bad habits twisted into my brain that I have had to rely on for so long, that I’m struggling to break all of them and open up to these twelve wonderful boys.
After my cousins left I had no one. I hadn’t made any real friends when they were around because most of the kids used me to get closer to them. So having them gone meant no one had any reason to be around me. I made my walls and kept to myself and I never had any problems living like that. But what I had relied so heavily on was what was tearing me away from these boys.
No matter how I looked at it, unless I could start opening myself fully to these boys, I was going to push them away. I had to get the fact around my brain that they do care for me and won’t see me as weak when I ask for help. I need to be able to rely on them as much as they can rely on me. I want to help these boys the best I can, but that wont work unless they have some trust in me.
I need to start letting my walls down and let them in. Sure, we won’t tell each other every little detail about ourselves, but we need to build an actual relationship somewhere. If anything I learned form the previous incident, it was that the only people I could ever rely on where these boys, they seem to care for me and aren’t going anywhere. So I need to let them in. Swallow all my pride, at least around them, other people are a different story.
Trust is earned and these boys have earned my trust, so it’s time I give it to them.
I tried to shift a little, though it was made painfully clear that I wasn’t going to get to do that. I was sore everywhere and the now bandaged gash on my back felt like it was being stretched as I moved. Note to self: no moving. I looked around - that was currently possible because my head was resting on my arms in front of me. I was on top of the bed; the covers had been stripped so we could get the bloodstains out of them. I had my feet at the head of my bed and my head resting at the foot of my bed so I could face out at the boys around me.
The boys sat themselves around my bed on the floor and some in chairs, all where I was able to see them if I moved my head a little. It wasn’t crowed exactly, but since I didn’t have a wide range to view everyone, they had to move a little closer together.
Lay was sitting as close as he could to my bed where I could still see him and he could help me in a second if I needed him. He sat there and just watched me, more closely than the others did.
“I’m sorry about earlier.” I said to him. I felt bad about what I said, I’m confused as ever, and I took it out on him.
“It’s fine, Sky.” He reassured me, but it didn’t help ease my guilt by much. “Really, don’t worry about it.”
I sighed, “Are you sure?”
He smile warmly at me, “As long as you are fine, nothing else matters. So please, don’t beat yourself up about it.”
“He’s right, Sky, it isn’t all on you. We should have stayed, even with you telling us to go.” Suho spoke up, “We had the choice to stay and we didn’t, so don’t blame yourself alright?”
“I guess.” I muttered, but let the topic drop.
We stayed silent for a while; I watched the boys and they in turn watched me. A few fidgeted as they sat in the silence that was starting to get really uncomfortable. Baekhyun finally broke the heavy silence, “What you did was stupid, in case you weren’t aware.”
I laughed softly. Yes, it was pretty stupid. Letting myself get hurt is probably one of the stupidest decisions I’ve made, but I wasn’t really thinking at the time. “I’m aware of that fact, but thank you for pointing it out again, Baekhyun.”
“What happened to you could have been a lot worse and you could have died. You understand that, right Sky?” D.O added.
“I know, but it didn’t and I’m healing now so we will take it day by day and I’m not going to let it happen again.” Yeah, no more purposing getting hurt, it was stupid the first time and I already realized that the boys got crazy when I got hurt and I don’t need them worried or upset anymore.
“You’re not going out of our sight for the next few days.” Chanyeol commented, “You’re still hurt, and it will be easier to get more hurt on your own.”
So long as I still have some time alone I see no reason why I can’t bring them around with me during the day. Just because I’m injured doesn’t mean I can’t still go to classes, I just won’t be able to participate as much as I hope to. “That’s fine, but give me a little space at home and not all of you can be with me all day.”
“If that’s your only conditions, then deal.” Xiumin said, “But Lay is with you no matter what.”
The others all nodded their heads in agreement. I understand why Lay has to be with me and if they all thought it was a good idea, then so be it. Lay seems to know what he is doing medically so it might be a good idea that he says around in case anything happens. Other than having to have Lay around should I rotate the o
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